If you had the chance to put an addict in jail,,would/should you?
 

My boyfriend is a heroin addict. He got in a lot of trouble a while back,but got out of it as long as he agreed to drug court. He told them he would go,but never did. He has a warrant on him and if they caught him he would have to serve 3-5 years in jail. As soon as he found out he had a warrant he left my house and I’m not even sure where he is at now.

I’m worried sick. He has almost died in the past. He is extremely reckless and I know that it’s a matter of time before he dies. I don’t wanna get that phone call. I’m pregnant with his son and the last thing I want is for my son to grow up never knowing anything about his father except that he overdosed.


My boyfriend would probably never speak to me again. He has stated in the past that he would not go back to jail he would rather die,etc. but if I could prolong his life and get him off drugs then that’s a fair trade to me. I’ve never turned my back on him and I’ve always been there when he needed me but I know in situations like this sometimes you have to just do what is best for them,not what they want. I know it’s not a sure fix but it would give him time to get clean.


Stuck in this hard spot,I’ve lost people to addiction before and I can’t do it again. I can’t get that phone call that he’s dead..it would destroy me. I need advice.

It sounds like this is about you, not about him really? What you have mentioned in the part I quoted isn't really your call?

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. Those words are true. He will get sober when he's ready and not one minute before that.

We don't really have the right to control anyone at anytime. People have their own lives to live, no matter who they are or their relationship to us (this includes children too). Would you want someone dictating your life?

Have you read Melody Beattie's book - Codependant no more? I'm not saying you are or aren't codependant, of course and frankly i'm tired of the word, but you might find discussion of boundaries etc helpful.

You don't know where he is, even if you did want to turn him in so getting involved at this point, regardless, is probably just trying to grab some control that you don't really have?

Please know that none of this is said harshly. It's a really emotional and tough time you are going through and I understand that but truly, the focus should be on you and your baby, that's where your happiness will be found.

He will eventually be going to jail anyway.

Not about me at all...
 

Not really sure how you think it’s about me. He doesn’t have much control of his life obviously,so it’s really more just trying to get him in a safe place. After every failed rehab attempt I’m pretty sure jail is better than the alternative for him,not trying to “cure” him,simply trying to keep him from killing himself basically.

Iris, if you don't know where he is, how can you ensure he goes to jail? It seems to me it's only a matter of time before the law catches up with him anyway, so why put yourself in that position?

You can't cure him - time and himself will or won't make that decision. I'm hearing a lot of absolutes - you can't do this, he can't do that, yet this isn't something you can control. Please concentrate on what you can do which is look after yourself and prepare for your baby is as calm as an atmosphere as you can create.

Do you have enough support, and what you need to bring the baby home? Stress isn't good for either of you. If you can, try to detach a little from your ABF's situation and make your environment calm. This may involve getting support from Nar-Anon.

Actually, Iris, I understand what you are feeling. You don't know where he is, you are worried that he will die, and you think he'll be safer somewhere where he will be monitored, like a jail. If he's going to end up there, he will end up there -- that's not your call.

I also don't think you're deliberately trying to control his choices, I think you're just frightened that he's going to die -- you are making choices based on fear now. I've been there, I was afraid that someone I cared about was going to die. In fact, I would have rather them in a straight-jacket and being watched 24/7 than kill themselves. Fear was my master. Until I realized... my fears were unfounded. I am not saying that addicts don't die. Like everyone, they do. Sometimes (or often) prematurely. But you have no control over when or where or if it happens.

I know this is hard, but it will be easier if you let go and let god deal with him. I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but right now you have to focus on YOU and your BABY. Those are two more important things than some guy who is running around drunk or high. I don't mean to sound callous, but the truth is: his actions are his choice, his problem. The fact that he's the source of your distress right now when you are pregnant is really unfair to you... so please be fair to yourself and change the narrative: he was and is unfair to you and your unborn child; you deserve better than a guy who is going to be a deadbeat dad.

Will it help if you had a mantra to repeat when you get anxious? Like: I am worth more than this. Or: I love myself and my baby.

Anything that is going to make you feel better about YOURSELF.

Please attend Alanon or Naranon if you are not already. Also have a read around the forums. Read the stickies. This is affecting you and your unborn child... and it doesn't have to. You might have to accept that you will have to grieve him and move forward. He's made his choice. He choose drugs.

My personal belief is – better on a cot in a cage then out on the streets putting poison into their bodies.

As hard as it may be for you, you have to try and allow the natural consequences of his choices to happen as they are meant to with or without your help. IF you have some known locations where he uses and want to share that with the police then do so if that will make you feel better. Most important is that you take care of yourself and your unborn child right now.

the thing is.....no one made you RESPONSIBLE for the life or death of another adult. you are not powerful enough to save him from whatever eventual end he may come to. nor is it your job to try and SAVE him.

your history and experience with this person to date strongly indicates that you have not CHANGED the course of his life one bit.

however.....you DO have a complete obligation and lifelong commitment to the child growing inside you right now. his or her safety, security, health and well being must now be paramount. the person who contributed sperm to the conception is not in any way concerned about the obligations of parenthood. he is concerned about one thing and one thing only.......ripping and running. he isn't going to magically clean up and become father and provider of the year. it's just not going to happen.

he already has a warrant out. it's a matter of time before he gets caught. as you don't even know his whereabouts, you have nothing relevant to offer to the police as information. nor should the police spontaneously jump ever time someone "reports" on someone else.

Thanks everyone.
 

I’m not 100% sure where he is but he always pops back up in my life. Even times when I have tried ridding him of my life he makes an appearance regardless of what I think or what I try to do to put myself in a healthier situation. I know I can’t control him but it is very hard to watch him struggle with his addiction. I know he seems like a careless person but I know he has good in him deep down. Just makes it hard for me to discard him as trash because of his addiction. Everyone here is right,and I know that I am no more in control of fixing him than he is in control of his heroin problem but I have trouble just letting him kill himself. It stresses me out everyday and I know it’s not good for me. I just really don’t want him to die,that is all. I will always care about him no matter how he has hurt me and that’s what keeps holding me back.

Regardless of what you think or do? You are the only one who gives him permission to pop back into your life.

No one is saying he’s trash but his addiction is not healthy to your well being or the well being of your unborn child.

We can still care about people we can no longer have in our lives.

Feel like people get the wrong idea of me
 

I feel like people shut me down as soon as I say that I love a heroin addict,just really irks me. My family,everyone. They all look at me like I’m stupid but I know he could do better,be a good person. We have had deep conversations about it and just moments where he has had pure clarity over his whole situation. I know a different person is in there and that’s why I try so hard. But I know I’m going to raise this baby alone and that makes me so overwhelmed. I had no idea he was like this until I was pregnant and everything started to make sense. The water bottles in my bathroom,the orange caps in my trash cans from needles. His own mom tells me that he is no good. I just can’t abandon him. I have never called police on him but he knows that I won’t hide him from the law or enable him. I feed him and let him sleep on my couch what days he decides to come by. He gets checked at the door for drugs and isn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door. I feel like im baby sitting a reckless child when he’s here,but I do love him so much. I don’t know.. it’s hard for me. Honestly so depressing. So so depressing. I cry way more than I smile or laugh over the past 4 months. I am not me anymore.

you are not ABANDONING him. in your first post you said:
As soon as he found out he had a warrant he left my house and I’m not even sure where he is at now.
he LEFT. voluntarily, right out the door, without so much as a kiss my butt.
you are more than a hotel, maid service, cafeteria or sex performer. that is not love. that you think you see things in him that no one else does, speaks a lot of magical thinking and also being in love with someone's potential.
again you are not strong enough to cause this person to become the person YOU believe they CAN be. water seeks it's own level. he is who he is.
soon you will have a REAL child to tend and fret over. not a full grown manchild with bad intentions. save your love and mothering - you will need it!

I’m sure your family and everyone just wants what is the best and healthiest for YOU and the reality of life with an active addict is not at all healthy.

Puppies, kittens and small children get abandoned, not grown men.

It feels like you are babysitting because you are choosing to baby sit a grown man.

But you have to date who he is today, not who you think he could become once he gets a hold of his addiction. That day may never ever come and when it does who’s to say that the wonderful person you think he could become actually shows up or even sticks around?

Yes you love him, yes you have an idea of how you want and wish life could be with him but sometimes life just doesn’t work out how we wanted. An active addict does not make a good boyfriend and especially does not make a good father.

The choice is not as clear cut as you make it out to be.

The delusion is that you have the choice to "abandon" him or stay and "help him get better."

The reality is that if you allow him to remain in your life he MAY get better, but the odds are far more likely that he won't, and if he does it will have little to nothing to do with you or anyone else in his life. The choice is to protect yourself and your unborn child by withdrawing or risking dragging yourself down into his mess by staying.

I hope you don't feel shut down by my comments above, that wasn't my intention at all.

I DO completely understand your wanting to have him sober and in recovery, totally get that but what people are saying here is that isn't really an option (until he decides to do that). I guess what you are asking is if he does drop by to sleep on the couch, do you call the police and have him arrested? Honestly I don't know what I would do in that situation.

In no way do I see anyone here judging you, in case you are picking up on that, what I do see is a lot of concern for your well being.

Keep posting and working through this. Do you have any other support at all Al-Anon or therapy, any support groups?

Coming in a little late on this, but hope this helps...

I did call the cops and had my addict taken to jail. It was the second saddest day of my life (the saddest having to have her committed 10 years later).

Jail saved her life at the time. She went back to drugs and the commitment saved it the second time.

In both cases is wasn't me who sent her there, it was just me who called the cops to pick her up when she came to my house - I knew she was violating probation and they came immediately. And it was me who petitioned the court for commitment (they took it the rest of the way). Neither of these actions would have been possible if my addict was not an addict, so I didn't look at it like I was doing it - I was just cooperating with consequences that could save her life. I didn't care if she hated me forever - her life was more important to me.

Also - When I did an early intervention, I realized that the only way I could truly set boundaries with my niece (who is like a daughter to me) is if I accepted the fact that she may do something to get herself killed (and believe me, she did many things) and I may have to be the one to bury her.

Why am I telling you this? Because until I was ready to call the cops or accept that I cannot protect her if she won't protect herself, my life was insane and she was getting no better. Before I accepted my helplessness, my life was unmanageable in the face of her addiction.

Romantic relationships with addicts, though, are maybe a little harder - because there are different dynamics. They say women fall in love with a man's potential - not his current state. Normally, this is a little disappointing, but when you fall for an addict, it can devastate your life. 1/3 of addicts get better after treatment, another 1/3 take many treatments before getting sober and about 1/3 never recover.

If you have fallen in love with your addict's potential, you may be betting on some pretty long odds.

One last thing - someone on this forum once gave me some wonderful advice - work your own program like you wish your addict worked theirs. That means, get out the 12 steps and put "codependent" in place of drug of choice. Are you ready to admit you are powerless in relation to your addict and that your life has become unmanageable? Are you ready for sanity?

Of course, focusing on an addict can keep us from focusing on the scary parts of our own lives. It can be complicated.

Wishing you the clarity you need to make your life manageable and become the kind of mother that your little one needs you to be for him/her.

Seeing as there’s not much to admire about his current state,I’m sure that I have fallen in love with his potential. I’m sure that I have looked beyond all his ugly parts to see what he could be. A loving boyfriend,a good dad to our son,etc. even he asked me why I stayed with him when I was so “innocent” as he called me. Because I see the good in you.. that’s all I could say to him. But everyone here is right,and it’s hard to hear sometimes because when you love someone who is struggling,you become addicted to saving them. I think that’s my problem. I have taken him to rehab before,dropped him off. I have called an ambulance for him when he overdosed and was very close to dying. I have been there for him while he cried and wiped his tears. I have ALWAYS been there for him. But he has never been there for me,and the sad part is,is I don’t even care. I have stopped thinking about my own feelings and tried nurturing him back to life but it hasn’t worked. I have just been abandoned by him and stressed to the point where I stopped eating and laid in bed for days. I lost 5 pounds while pregnant because I threw up whatever I ate,and had no desire to even try to eat. I’m not proud of that and most people would ask me why I stuck around but,it just goes back to the times when I have seen a side to him that I know still exists without the heroin. I start thinking of thegood times. The intimate conversations,something as simple as a bubble bath together or watching a movie. Simple things that I actually let reel me back in to his mind games and manipulation because he’s an addict and he’s sick,and he doesn’t know how to be anything else. I could call the police at any time and they would be glad to pick him up,but I don’t want to make him mad at me. I don’t wanna be the one who puts him away. Then other times I think that this is real and he is a danger to himself and if I don’t do something,what’s gonna happen? He always comes back to me so regardless of where he is now,he will show up where I am eventually. I wish I could’ve hard hearted and tell him to never come back but I am not wired to be that way towards him. I don’t offer him anything. It a couch to sleep on and good to eat. I don’t give him money or sex. I don’t hide him from the law or let him do drugs in my house. I have caught on to all of his games. He can’t lie to me anymore or hide when he’s under the influence of drugs. He knows this so he doesn’t stay here often. Just really stresses me out and I’m almost to the point where I wanna say it’s not worth it anymore. The stress I feel,the worrying. It’s taken a huge toll on me and i just feel like it’s running me down physically. I don’t feel happy during what should’ve an exciting time in my life. I don’t know,it’s just nice to have somewhere I can vent my frustrations to because some days I feel like screaming and going crazy. It’s hard.

I hope you keep venting. Lots of people here who understand.

You do need all the support you can get, I would really, really encourage you to try al-anon or another support group. Right now it is probably the last thing you want to do, drag yourself to a meeting with a bunch of strangers - I understand.

Thing with Al-Anon is, you don't have to speak if you don't want to, they will totally understand that, no questions asked. It does give you the opportunity to meet people and hear their concerns and how they cope and usually there is a list of people you can all if you just want to talk.

It might be a huge relief to have that kind of support. Many will have been where you are and they will tell you how they coped and the tools they used.

Anyway, that's just one avenue to use to make yourself feel supported and understood.

And of course there is always SR,

I can see it's taking a huge toll on you and yes, this should be a really happy time for you. You mention you are almost at the point where you don't want to do it anymore, well you know, you don't have to. You aren't actually responsible for him. All your love and kindness it wonderful but he is still an addict. You also can't throw yourself under the bus for him, especially not now that you will have a child to look after. That, as I'm sure you know, will have to be your number one priority and that also means looking after yourself. You deserve to be happy too you know.

Hi Iris

I haven't posted on SR for a while now. I do still come & read on the forum a couple times a week.

Ive read your posts & feel your pain & can strongly relate to your situation.

What you are going through now is different than my experience. But at the same time many parts of it are exactly the same as what I went through. So I understand how you feel.

I hope you find a way to save yourself. There is light at the end of this tunnel. Its not an easy path to get to the light - but there is a path. If you so choose, there is a future for you which does not include all this turmoil. Life for you can return to being normal. Same choice applied to me.

There is a tremendous amount of solid wisdom in the above posts. Im sure its not easy for you to read. It wasn't easy for me to read similar type posts concerning my situation.

I wish both you & your unborn child all the best life has to offer.

I have limited transportation right now so going to any kind of support group right isn’t ideal for me. I know it would probably help,though. I got news yesterday he was trying to come by my house yesterday but he never made it. It’s cold outside and snowing,all o can think is maybe he’s hurt or something. He’s always around shady,dangerous people who wouldn’t think twice to throw him in a ditch if he overdosed or something. Just stresses me out. I stay so worried for him. He doesn’t tell people where he’s at or who he’s with and he blocks all numbers so it shows up private when he does call. Just don’t know about him. He left one rehab and went right back to another the next week. Now he has left it. He’s in a city where he knows no one,trying to hitch a ride back to his hometown no doubt.

Sorry for the typos. I’m not good at replying on these posts.