Didn’t go as Expected
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Didn’t go as Expected
Hi SR forum members,
I’m a long time reader and first time poster here. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my fresh situation.
Little backstory here:
I have been dating/serious relationship with an on and off again recovering addict for almost 5 years. The leap to heroin was made unfortunately. I’ve tried to educate myself as best as possible on my now ex-gf’s drug/escape of choice and I can only imagine how hard it is to remain sober.
I had previously cut off all contact with her over the summer when I found out she was once again using drugs. Blocked her from all forms of communication. Recently we managed to come in contact with one another as my birthday approached at beginning of winter. I was drawn back into the trap!!! I found out that within a mere 2-3 weeks of me ending all communication over the summer that she started seeing and ended up in a relationship with another male whom she met through recovery almost a year ago. He’s also a recovering heroin user. I could not seem to get passed the fact that within 3 weeks of me leaving that she could move on so quick (silly me I know).
We started seeing each other throughout the whole month of Dec. while she was living in a recovery house not too far from our area.
She abruptly stopped talking to the new guy when I was willing to come back around. Every week for that entire month was filled with a day or two of her unsureness of our relationship. I was even told that she wasn’t sure I was there emotionally available for her anymore. That I could not relate to her addiction or struggles (that’s actually true). She was “overwhelmed” or “didn’t want to hurt me while she was working on herself”.
I come to find out yesterday that she’s been in contact recently with the other guy. And that she again wasn’t sure about our relationship anymore. She didn’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt translated into she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I ended up saying some rude things to her to end the last convo yesterday once this revelation came to life which led her to blocking me!
Mind you, I am not an addict. I have a good job and recently started my own company and have been enjoying success early on with the new company. The other guy like previously mentioned is a recovering heroin addict. So I assume he is able to relate better to her and is more understanding of her situation since he’s in the same place/boat.
It just eats at me sometimes because this is a girl who as recently as last week has been having talks of wanting to move in together to a new house. Wanted to get married and have kids together and said she wanted to be with me. She was around my family throughout Xmas and New Years
Not sure what response I’m looking for here but finally had the courage to post on the forum. Guess I’m just mad at myself for cracking and getting back together with her for the brief time only to be “blind sided”.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I have been searching codependent meetings in my area and will for sure be attending one tomorrow and going forward.
I’m a long time reader and first time poster here. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my fresh situation.
Little backstory here:
I have been dating/serious relationship with an on and off again recovering addict for almost 5 years. The leap to heroin was made unfortunately. I’ve tried to educate myself as best as possible on my now ex-gf’s drug/escape of choice and I can only imagine how hard it is to remain sober.
I had previously cut off all contact with her over the summer when I found out she was once again using drugs. Blocked her from all forms of communication. Recently we managed to come in contact with one another as my birthday approached at beginning of winter. I was drawn back into the trap!!! I found out that within a mere 2-3 weeks of me ending all communication over the summer that she started seeing and ended up in a relationship with another male whom she met through recovery almost a year ago. He’s also a recovering heroin user. I could not seem to get passed the fact that within 3 weeks of me leaving that she could move on so quick (silly me I know).
We started seeing each other throughout the whole month of Dec. while she was living in a recovery house not too far from our area.
She abruptly stopped talking to the new guy when I was willing to come back around. Every week for that entire month was filled with a day or two of her unsureness of our relationship. I was even told that she wasn’t sure I was there emotionally available for her anymore. That I could not relate to her addiction or struggles (that’s actually true). She was “overwhelmed” or “didn’t want to hurt me while she was working on herself”.
I come to find out yesterday that she’s been in contact recently with the other guy. And that she again wasn’t sure about our relationship anymore. She didn’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt translated into she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I ended up saying some rude things to her to end the last convo yesterday once this revelation came to life which led her to blocking me!
Mind you, I am not an addict. I have a good job and recently started my own company and have been enjoying success early on with the new company. The other guy like previously mentioned is a recovering heroin addict. So I assume he is able to relate better to her and is more understanding of her situation since he’s in the same place/boat.
It just eats at me sometimes because this is a girl who as recently as last week has been having talks of wanting to move in together to a new house. Wanted to get married and have kids together and said she wanted to be with me. She was around my family throughout Xmas and New Years
Not sure what response I’m looking for here but finally had the courage to post on the forum. Guess I’m just mad at myself for cracking and getting back together with her for the brief time only to be “blind sided”.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I have been searching codependent meetings in my area and will for sure be attending one tomorrow and going forward.
Last edited by relentlessone00; 01-09-2019 at 07:39 AM. Reason: Misspelled
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by relentlessone00 
Not sure what response I’m looking for here...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Dear relentlessone. That girl is my daughter,or a girl like her. It is the addiction that makes her latch on to men.
She wants some one to rescue her but also wants the drug. You can't rescue her.Its not your fault that you "fell for the trick". Stay healthy ,
She wants some one to rescue her but also wants the drug. You can't rescue her.Its not your fault that you "fell for the trick". Stay healthy ,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe the response you are looking for is more of an understanding from those of us who have been where you are today. Many of us got sucked back in, some of us more times than we should have.
I think most important thing for you wrap your mind around is, it’s not you, it’s nothing you did or didn’t do or said or didn’t say……….what you experienced over these 5 years was typical life with an addict.
Thing is she is unsure of anything right now because it sounds like she is balancing on the fence between relapsing again or maybe sticking with recovery. You seem to be part of the recovery side in her thoughts while this other guy is on the relapse side.
I think most important thing for you wrap your mind around is, it’s not you, it’s nothing you did or didn’t do or said or didn’t say……….what you experienced over these 5 years was typical life with an addict.
Thing is she is unsure of anything right now because it sounds like she is balancing on the fence between relapsing again or maybe sticking with recovery. You seem to be part of the recovery side in her thoughts while this other guy is on the relapse side.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You're going to hurt for a while, but you may also gain some perspective on what marriage could have been like. Imagine having children with someone who is not fully committed to recovery.
On the other hand, she may not be capable of recovering and maintaining a relationship.
Another thing to consider is that when she feels bad about hurting your feelings it could be an indicator that she's not really in love with you, even if she's fond of you.
On the other hand, she may not be capable of recovering and maintaining a relationship.
Another thing to consider is that when she feels bad about hurting your feelings it could be an indicator that she's not really in love with you, even if she's fond of you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by relentlessone00
. Guess I’m just mad at myself for cracking and getting back together with her for the brief time only to be “blind sided”.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I have been searching codependent meetings in my area and will for sure be attending one tomorrow and going forward.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I have been searching codependent meetings in my area and will for sure be attending one tomorrow and going forward.
kikin yourself in the ass over it,though- not a good thing. i think many of us here did the same even with alll of the red flags waving. personally i saw them instantly but my insecurities didnt allow me to accept them and do what i knew i should have. trying to save someone made me feel good about myself because i didnt feel good about myself.
we arent/werent bad people- just sick and there IS a solution
one of the hardest words for me to say was NO!
it sure helped me work on myself,though.
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