Success and failure
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Success and failure
I went to my Nar-Anon home group meeting last night. There were three newcomers that I helped to welcome with the usual handful of pamphlets, phone and meeting lists and our own special Welcome card.
One of the newcomers looked vaguley familiar, but I figured I had perhaps seen him at an event or perhaps working in a store somewhere.
Our meeting is small enough ( 14-18) that we always arrange the chairs in a circle. As luck would have it the newcomers sat next to the meeting chairperson and the chair decided we should go around the circle in order and either share or pass. The newcomers were in position to share last - which can be good or bad as it gives them a chance to get a feel for how the meeting works. The three newcomers had come in together and seemed to know each other, more than casually.
When the first fellow shared, it was obvious that he was no stranger to 12 Step meetings - he was a recovering heroin addict with several years clean time under his belt - now he both looked AND sounded familiar. As it turned out, one of the newcomers was an addict's girlfriend, another was his brother and the one that seemed familiar was a friend of the addict and his brother. Both of the guys were addicts in recovery and had been clean for several years - they had come to support the girlfriend and seek some guidance on co-dependency for themselves. One of the fellows is anNA sponsor and admits he has no problem saying NO to his sponsees, but caves instantly to his brother's requests.
The girlfriend was a basket case - she reminded all of us how we were when we first mustered the nerve to find a meeting. She cried openly and we all could easily relate to her pain. She apologized for her emotions and we assured her that anything goes in THIS room, that we had all been in her shoes and some were still fellow travelers with a loved one still in active addiction. She spoke of her guilt (undeserved) and above all, her fear for her boyfriend's life. She apologized for taking so much time, someone commented we did not have any place we needed to be.
Newcomers truly are the life blood of the fellowship since they remind us of where we were when we first came into the rooms.
As usual we have a "meeting-after-the-meeting" and the newcomers were quickly surrounded by the more seasoned members, all offering encouragement and reminding her to use her phone list.......anytime.
The fellow who looked familiar turned out to be a fellow user with my daughter, K, from years back, they went to different schools but ran together at times. He was glad that K was in good recovery and I was glad that he was also. All three of our newcomers promised to be back next week. I will take the two guy's sobriety as a win, and their care and compassionate support for each other and the girlfriend as another win.
Two current successes and perhaps another on the way ! The two guys are 12th stepping the woman for all they are worth..........they got her to a meeting, now it is up to us to keep her coming back by providing her the support she needs by sharing our experience, strength and hope.
I titled this thread, "Success and Failure".............. this afternoon at 5:00 I will attend yet another funeral for the 34 year old child of a recovery group member.
Same story as usual, clean for several years, then runs off the rails; convinces himself that he has one more high left in him; shoots his "normal" amount of heroin and dies, either from a straight overdose or a batch laced with fentanyl. The only positive thing which I can say is that, at least now, he is at peace and free from his demons.
Addiction really sucks for everyone involved.
Keep coming back,
Jim
One of the newcomers looked vaguley familiar, but I figured I had perhaps seen him at an event or perhaps working in a store somewhere.
Our meeting is small enough ( 14-18) that we always arrange the chairs in a circle. As luck would have it the newcomers sat next to the meeting chairperson and the chair decided we should go around the circle in order and either share or pass. The newcomers were in position to share last - which can be good or bad as it gives them a chance to get a feel for how the meeting works. The three newcomers had come in together and seemed to know each other, more than casually.
When the first fellow shared, it was obvious that he was no stranger to 12 Step meetings - he was a recovering heroin addict with several years clean time under his belt - now he both looked AND sounded familiar. As it turned out, one of the newcomers was an addict's girlfriend, another was his brother and the one that seemed familiar was a friend of the addict and his brother. Both of the guys were addicts in recovery and had been clean for several years - they had come to support the girlfriend and seek some guidance on co-dependency for themselves. One of the fellows is anNA sponsor and admits he has no problem saying NO to his sponsees, but caves instantly to his brother's requests.
The girlfriend was a basket case - she reminded all of us how we were when we first mustered the nerve to find a meeting. She cried openly and we all could easily relate to her pain. She apologized for her emotions and we assured her that anything goes in THIS room, that we had all been in her shoes and some were still fellow travelers with a loved one still in active addiction. She spoke of her guilt (undeserved) and above all, her fear for her boyfriend's life. She apologized for taking so much time, someone commented we did not have any place we needed to be.
Newcomers truly are the life blood of the fellowship since they remind us of where we were when we first came into the rooms.
As usual we have a "meeting-after-the-meeting" and the newcomers were quickly surrounded by the more seasoned members, all offering encouragement and reminding her to use her phone list.......anytime.
The fellow who looked familiar turned out to be a fellow user with my daughter, K, from years back, they went to different schools but ran together at times. He was glad that K was in good recovery and I was glad that he was also. All three of our newcomers promised to be back next week. I will take the two guy's sobriety as a win, and their care and compassionate support for each other and the girlfriend as another win.
Two current successes and perhaps another on the way ! The two guys are 12th stepping the woman for all they are worth..........they got her to a meeting, now it is up to us to keep her coming back by providing her the support she needs by sharing our experience, strength and hope.
I titled this thread, "Success and Failure".............. this afternoon at 5:00 I will attend yet another funeral for the 34 year old child of a recovery group member.
Same story as usual, clean for several years, then runs off the rails; convinces himself that he has one more high left in him; shoots his "normal" amount of heroin and dies, either from a straight overdose or a batch laced with fentanyl. The only positive thing which I can say is that, at least now, he is at peace and free from his demons.
Addiction really sucks for everyone involved.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
The funeral was very nice with quite a crowd in attendance.
There was honesty at the funeral which was refreshing, the presiding clergy was an alcoholic in long term recovery and freely admitted it to the crowd.
There were several speakers including his brother, wife and his mother's long term employer who was also an alcoholic in long term recovery and a long time family friend.
His wife spoke to his love for her and their young son. His brother added a bit of levity to the service by relating childhood stories of mischief - they were only 18 months apart so they did everything together.
The recovering alcoholic employer, aptly named Bill, but not Bill W., spoke to the struggles of addiction and the dedication of his mother.
It is nice to see and hear honesty at a funeral for an addict. The sooner society can remove the stigma from addiction, the sooner we can begin to seek real solutions.
K eep coming back,
Jim
There was honesty at the funeral which was refreshing, the presiding clergy was an alcoholic in long term recovery and freely admitted it to the crowd.
There were several speakers including his brother, wife and his mother's long term employer who was also an alcoholic in long term recovery and a long time family friend.
His wife spoke to his love for her and their young son. His brother added a bit of levity to the service by relating childhood stories of mischief - they were only 18 months apart so they did everything together.
The recovering alcoholic employer, aptly named Bill, but not Bill W., spoke to the struggles of addiction and the dedication of his mother.
It is nice to see and hear honesty at a funeral for an addict. The sooner society can remove the stigma from addiction, the sooner we can begin to seek real solutions.
K eep coming back,
Jim
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jim, as always your post touched my heart deeply. I would love to be at your meeting on nights like this, what a great group!
I did nothing but cry (sobbing my heart out) my first three meetings, I could not get a single word out. The members were so kind, handing me tissues and letting me know that it was perfectly okay to sit and cry and not share until I was ready. I kept coming back and this very meeting literally saved my life and helped me find a better path.
I am so sorry about the member's son. Sadly, this is often the outcome for those who relapse and it's a shock and heart breaker every single time.
God bless you and your meeting for being there for those who so badly need your support.
Hugs
The girlfriend was a basket case - she reminded all of us how we were when we first mustered the nerve to find a meeting. She cried openly and we all could easily relate to her pain. She apologized for her emotions
I am so sorry about the member's son. Sadly, this is often the outcome for those who relapse and it's a shock and heart breaker every single time.
God bless you and your meeting for being there for those who so badly need your support.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Ann,
I have heard from more than one relative newcomer (perhaps a person who has been coming for a month or so)..........
"I came into this meeting and all of you were laughing and talking about "normal stuff", all I could think about was my addicted son/daughter/spouse/ sibling/ friend;I knew right away that I WANTED WHAT YOU HAD! I figured that I needed to keep coming back to find the secrets."
Glad you stayed for 3 meetings before you felt safe enough to let it all out; I am sure you are also.
Some people's, especially males, embarrassment level is exponentially higher than others when it comes to crying publicly.
I am the Secretary of our group and as such I collect phone numbers and e-mail addresses of the folks so I can add them to our phone list (strictly voluntary, but highly recommended). I have been known to use that inside information to shoot off a quick e-mail to newcomers following their first or second meeting who seem to be suffering from self conscienceless attacks or embarrassment. I tell them among other things that whatever they say we will not be shocked and we will not judge them for it - primarily because we have all heard it before in the rooms or have experienced it ourselves ---- stealing, endless car wrecks, jail, homelessness, prostitution, it all sounds familiar.
The other thing that I make sure they know is that it is certainly OK to cry openly, no one will think less of them because of it -- we would worry if they did not, since the only reason they have come to our meeting is out of love for their addict; and I also allude to the fact that at one point or another, every person in the room has cried with the group, many of them more than once. But, I also warn them that they should not be surprised when comforting hands land on their shoulders from both sides and a tissue box magically appears within easy reach.
I admit I am biased but, I belong to the BEST home group in the region!
We are lucky dogs to have found this group so early in our journey. Now it is our turn to give back that which was so freely given to us.
Keep coming back,
Jim
I have heard from more than one relative newcomer (perhaps a person who has been coming for a month or so)..........
"I came into this meeting and all of you were laughing and talking about "normal stuff", all I could think about was my addicted son/daughter/spouse/ sibling/ friend;I knew right away that I WANTED WHAT YOU HAD! I figured that I needed to keep coming back to find the secrets."
Glad you stayed for 3 meetings before you felt safe enough to let it all out; I am sure you are also.
Some people's, especially males, embarrassment level is exponentially higher than others when it comes to crying publicly.
I am the Secretary of our group and as such I collect phone numbers and e-mail addresses of the folks so I can add them to our phone list (strictly voluntary, but highly recommended). I have been known to use that inside information to shoot off a quick e-mail to newcomers following their first or second meeting who seem to be suffering from self conscienceless attacks or embarrassment. I tell them among other things that whatever they say we will not be shocked and we will not judge them for it - primarily because we have all heard it before in the rooms or have experienced it ourselves ---- stealing, endless car wrecks, jail, homelessness, prostitution, it all sounds familiar.
The other thing that I make sure they know is that it is certainly OK to cry openly, no one will think less of them because of it -- we would worry if they did not, since the only reason they have come to our meeting is out of love for their addict; and I also allude to the fact that at one point or another, every person in the room has cried with the group, many of them more than once. But, I also warn them that they should not be surprised when comforting hands land on their shoulders from both sides and a tissue box magically appears within easy reach.
I admit I am biased but, I belong to the BEST home group in the region!
We are lucky dogs to have found this group so early in our journey. Now it is our turn to give back that which was so freely given to us.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
"I came into this meeting and all of you were laughing and talking about "normal stuff", all I could think about was my addicted son/daughter/spouse/ sibling/ friend;I knew right away that I WANTED WHAT YOU HAD! I figured that I needed to keep coming back to find the secrets."
A friend (a normie who had no clue about the pain of addiction) once asked me, "So, how long to you have to go to those meetings?"
My response was, "Hopefully, my whole life, there is something there that I need and want and it picks me up like nothing else."
I am not sure she understood but she never questioned me again because she could "see" the change in me and knew it was good.
Anyone here that is considering meetings, I promise you that you will be glad that you go. It's okay to need meetings, to need to be with people who completely understand your pain. Take a look and see what's near you and then give it a try, it may be the best gift you ever give yourself.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Al Anon had the same magic for me. I thought my secret life was so horrible and I could share it with no one and never have any true joy until my addict got sober...my life was running all over putting out fires...Al anon let me slow down, breathe, share and permission to laugh. Heroin is such a scary drug, The story you tell too familiar. I pray the more we share these tragic ends, that lives can be saved by caution.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
thank you as always Jim for the uplifting and then realistic posts. It is so sad when we lose a loved one to this addiction, and after some sober time to boot. My son will have 365 clean and sober days tomorrow for the first time in his adult life. It is an amazing and uplifting moment for him and a celebration for us all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Lovemysonjj,
That is awesome news!
must be a meeting!
Any special plans? I assume he will be getting a one year coin from his NA home group.
When my daughter hit the one year mark, one of her friends who had been clean for many years passed along her own personal one year coin to K. K realized the magnitude of that gift, her friend had given her an object which at one point in time was probably her most cherished possession.
Keep coming back,
Jim
That is awesome news!
must be a meeting!Any special plans? I assume he will be getting a one year coin from his NA home group.
When my daughter hit the one year mark, one of her friends who had been clean for many years passed along her own personal one year coin to K. K realized the magnitude of that gift, her friend had given her an object which at one point in time was probably her most cherished possession.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
We are celebrating Fathers day at home with a nice barbeque. He will take his one year either at his current Alano club home group or at Freedom ranch where he found his real sobriety. I bought a necklace with the serenity prayer on one dog tag and the other says 1 year. I will be giving that to him when I see him. He will get a Freedom Ranch branded chip which I know he will cherish.
TT
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