On Breaking Up
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Denver
Posts: 4
On Breaking Up
I'm feeling very lost in my head today as I contemplate breaking up with my boyfriend who is in recovery from heroin addiction. I have never experienced true heartbreak from a breakup before (I ended all past relationships without much hesitation or pain, as I was either not attracted to the person, or did not find that I enjoyed their company). That cannot be said for my boyfriend - I am very attracted to him, and enjoy his company very much.
The same thought keeps playing over and over in my head: What if he ends up sober >60 years and happy with someone else, and I end up alone?
Am I just trading one negative (history of addiction and uncertainty/anxiety about potential relapse) for another (a lifetime of loneliness, jealousy, and regret)?
I know that from the outside it can be so easy to say "just leave". I can imagine that for those of you who have already left your addicted partners, you are experiencing joy again and are thankful that you left. This all makes logical sense to me, but from my point of view (and with how recently this all has happened and how early it is in this decision-making process), I am very much conflicted in whether to stay or to leave. Our families will likely remain close after a breakup, and I am not sure I could handle the jealousy of knowing if he is happy with someone else.
Just some musings. I appreciate any insight.
The same thought keeps playing over and over in my head: What if he ends up sober >60 years and happy with someone else, and I end up alone?
Am I just trading one negative (history of addiction and uncertainty/anxiety about potential relapse) for another (a lifetime of loneliness, jealousy, and regret)?
I know that from the outside it can be so easy to say "just leave". I can imagine that for those of you who have already left your addicted partners, you are experiencing joy again and are thankful that you left. This all makes logical sense to me, but from my point of view (and with how recently this all has happened and how early it is in this decision-making process), I am very much conflicted in whether to stay or to leave. Our families will likely remain close after a breakup, and I am not sure I could handle the jealousy of knowing if he is happy with someone else.
Just some musings. I appreciate any insight.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey Colorado. I understand how you feel.
This is some serious black and white thinking going on here. Him ending up clean for 60-something years and you ending up alone are two massive extremes in a field of about a billion different possible outcomes for either of you. You really don't have to worry about 60 years from now--the future will take care of itself, whether we like it or not.
Rather than looking at all of tomorrow's unknowns, can you look at what you know today? Are you happy today? Is this the relationship/partner you want today?
Investing in another person's potential, without seeing serious action on that person's part towards change, can keep us stuck, settling for the familiar rather than risking something worse. If the thought of being alone is so frightening to you, that is an area that you can examine, work through, and make changes over. Your boyfriend's recovery is not.
This is some serious black and white thinking going on here. Him ending up clean for 60-something years and you ending up alone are two massive extremes in a field of about a billion different possible outcomes for either of you. You really don't have to worry about 60 years from now--the future will take care of itself, whether we like it or not.
Rather than looking at all of tomorrow's unknowns, can you look at what you know today? Are you happy today? Is this the relationship/partner you want today?
Investing in another person's potential, without seeing serious action on that person's part towards change, can keep us stuck, settling for the familiar rather than risking something worse. If the thought of being alone is so frightening to you, that is an area that you can examine, work through, and make changes over. Your boyfriend's recovery is not.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Deciding whether to roll the dice & stay or leave the relationship are not easy choices. For me nothing about trying to have a relationship with an addict is easy.
For the reasons you stated above breaking up will be difficult. It wont be easy. It will take time to work through the feelings & emotions. Deciding to stay in the relationship has an entirely different set of unknown & potentially devastating variables. This choice has very real & serious consequences.
It plain sucks but these are the very difficult choices we all have to face because we are in relationships with addicts. At some point, unless the addict chooses to run off from the relationship, it all boils down to this choice.
I am very sorry you have come to such a point in your relationship. I am guessing based on my own experience you already know what you have to do. Your looking for the validation & strength to do it.
For the reasons you stated above breaking up will be difficult. It wont be easy. It will take time to work through the feelings & emotions. Deciding to stay in the relationship has an entirely different set of unknown & potentially devastating variables. This choice has very real & serious consequences.
It plain sucks but these are the very difficult choices we all have to face because we are in relationships with addicts. At some point, unless the addict chooses to run off from the relationship, it all boils down to this choice.
I am very sorry you have come to such a point in your relationship. I am guessing based on my own experience you already know what you have to do. Your looking for the validation & strength to do it.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
I broke up with my addict boyfriend 3 weeks ago (cocaine and alcohol)
This was a man I love deeply and have had some of the best moments of my life with the past 3 years when he has been sober. When he was actively using there was NOTHING good about him. I am still in love with him but have learned to love him from afar and accept that if we are meant to be- it will happen. You cannot have a healthy relationship with half a person. Has your boyfriend proven that he is committed to being sober?
I think about him everyday and my heart is starting to heal from the heartbreak I feel with the decision I made to leave him. However- addiction is a variable of uncertainty and you need to remove your personal feelings for him from your decision because at the end of the day his addiction has the very real potential to have an impact on his life for the rest of his life. Is that a life you want? He is an addict. It is heartbreaking and terrible and it truly seems to take the good people on the world and destroy their potential but it is an unfortunate REALITY. there is no changing that he is a heroin addict.
Also worth noting that heroin addictions in particular are VERY hard to remain sober from.
You will have your time, if you decide to leave him, where your heart will just break but heartbreak happens to everyone everyday and us humans are equipped to heal. It will come. It is a process but you will not end up being alone forever.
If you leave him- let him know that your care and love for him runs deep. Trust me telling him this will make you feel more at peace. Then leave and don't look back.
If you decide to stay- understand that your life will always revolve around his addiction and that will always be the third wheel to your relationship that at the drop of a dime will become a priority over you.
This was a man I love deeply and have had some of the best moments of my life with the past 3 years when he has been sober. When he was actively using there was NOTHING good about him. I am still in love with him but have learned to love him from afar and accept that if we are meant to be- it will happen. You cannot have a healthy relationship with half a person. Has your boyfriend proven that he is committed to being sober?
I think about him everyday and my heart is starting to heal from the heartbreak I feel with the decision I made to leave him. However- addiction is a variable of uncertainty and you need to remove your personal feelings for him from your decision because at the end of the day his addiction has the very real potential to have an impact on his life for the rest of his life. Is that a life you want? He is an addict. It is heartbreaking and terrible and it truly seems to take the good people on the world and destroy their potential but it is an unfortunate REALITY. there is no changing that he is a heroin addict.
Also worth noting that heroin addictions in particular are VERY hard to remain sober from.
You will have your time, if you decide to leave him, where your heart will just break but heartbreak happens to everyone everyday and us humans are equipped to heal. It will come. It is a process but you will not end up being alone forever.
If you leave him- let him know that your care and love for him runs deep. Trust me telling him this will make you feel more at peace. Then leave and don't look back.
If you decide to stay- understand that your life will always revolve around his addiction and that will always be the third wheel to your relationship that at the drop of a dime will become a priority over you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Our families will likely remain close after a breakup, and I am not sure I could handle the jealousy of knowing if he is happy with someone else.
Time heals, my friend, if you let it. If I'd stayed with the addict I cannot imagine how my life would be now but I can try: More theft, more violence, more problems with the law, more worry when he overdoses, more disgusting, unwanted sex when he's drunk/stoned...the list goes on.
I don't mean to minimize your feelings so I apologize if it sounds like that. I know you love him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
We could all drive ourselves crazy with the "what if" scenarios. Where is peace to be found with that kind of mind set? I'm not getting down on you....I've struggled with what if's too. Some things you just have to take as they come and see what happens and have faith to believe in yourself....that YOU will be a happy fulfilled person with or without even having a boyfriend. What if's are like future trips and none of us can see into the future and predict exactly how it will go. The bottom line is right NOW, you will be healthier without having to deal with his addiction. It truly sucks I know because you are still attracted to him and love him despite his addiction...but for your own sake you need to let go and live the best life you can without him being your boyfriend. I'm gonna encourage you to "take courage" and do the next right thing despite any fears you may have.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi Coloradonative. I understand what you are experiencing because at one point, I also had the same thoughts. I can't tell you what to do or what to feel, but I can say that from my experience, I both regret and don't regret ending the relationship.
Yes, he may end up sober and happy with someone else forever. Unfortunately for my ex, that is what he thought when he got together with me -- that he would be sober and happy with me forever, because it didn't work out with his exes... so I must be the answer to his problems. Well, I wasn't. And I think the next woman is not going to be the answer to his problems either. If he is looking for answers, it will have to be from within himself. If he is really in recovery, he will realize that his salvation can't be found under a skirt, but in being responsible for his actions.
So if he shapes up and makes living amends, then I'll believe he's at a stage where he can finally control his demons (maybe for periods at a time). If I never hear an apology, it's probably because whoever is putting up with him now is doing so out of fear, obligation, ignorance... and love that he can never fully return.
My stbxAH was and will always be a person I gave my whole heart to, whether he appreciates it or not... or knows it or not. I loved him with all my heart and I will have to carry that knowledge with me alone for the rest of my life. I offered love in all its forms... I loved him when he was sick, when he was dirty, when he didn't love me back... but I drew the line at sacrificing my own safety because I'm not... insane. I loved him, but he was/is too high for it to have affected him. His next choice, no matter what it is, will be made from that altered state of mind. The only thing I can do is wish him the best... and protect myself from his bull-cr@p man-baby actions.
An addict struggles with addiction forever. Sometimes I feel really sorry for my ex -- he will struggle forever. From the amount of time he has spent on this planet as an active addict, I know that his life will always be about him, first and foremost, about him and only him. Even in sobriety, my ex's partner will always have to be second to his struggle.
I don't judge people who chose to stay, but I couldn't make the same choice. It would make me suicidal, literally, if I stayed longer than I did. I think the most honest thing I did was leave... even if HE didn't want it (it meant that I was removing myself as a resource). Because the truth is that I didn't want him to drug himself to death... and that conflicted with the way he wanted to/wants to live his life.
Yes, he may end up sober and happy with someone else forever. Unfortunately for my ex, that is what he thought when he got together with me -- that he would be sober and happy with me forever, because it didn't work out with his exes... so I must be the answer to his problems. Well, I wasn't. And I think the next woman is not going to be the answer to his problems either. If he is looking for answers, it will have to be from within himself. If he is really in recovery, he will realize that his salvation can't be found under a skirt, but in being responsible for his actions.
So if he shapes up and makes living amends, then I'll believe he's at a stage where he can finally control his demons (maybe for periods at a time). If I never hear an apology, it's probably because whoever is putting up with him now is doing so out of fear, obligation, ignorance... and love that he can never fully return.
My stbxAH was and will always be a person I gave my whole heart to, whether he appreciates it or not... or knows it or not. I loved him with all my heart and I will have to carry that knowledge with me alone for the rest of my life. I offered love in all its forms... I loved him when he was sick, when he was dirty, when he didn't love me back... but I drew the line at sacrificing my own safety because I'm not... insane. I loved him, but he was/is too high for it to have affected him. His next choice, no matter what it is, will be made from that altered state of mind. The only thing I can do is wish him the best... and protect myself from his bull-cr@p man-baby actions.
An addict struggles with addiction forever. Sometimes I feel really sorry for my ex -- he will struggle forever. From the amount of time he has spent on this planet as an active addict, I know that his life will always be about him, first and foremost, about him and only him. Even in sobriety, my ex's partner will always have to be second to his struggle.
I don't judge people who chose to stay, but I couldn't make the same choice. It would make me suicidal, literally, if I stayed longer than I did. I think the most honest thing I did was leave... even if HE didn't want it (it meant that I was removing myself as a resource). Because the truth is that I didn't want him to drug himself to death... and that conflicted with the way he wanted to/wants to live his life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 1
Needed to hear this
Thank you Sparklekitty. I needed to read this right now. I also just ended a relationship with my boyfriend this week. We were together for 3 years. He is addicted to crack cocaine. I have never used online as a support but I am desperate. Don't feel like anyone else will understand. I know that I am codependent. He was sober for 2 years. I don't want to give up on him. He's the only man I have ever loved. I try to remember that my hurt will fade. It's so hard to be rational when you are lonely and heartbroken.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Hey Colorado. I understand how you feel.
This is some serious black and white thinking going on here. Him ending up clean for 60-something years and you ending up alone are two massive extremes in a field of about a billion different possible outcomes for either of you. You really don't have to worry about 60 years from now--the future will take care of itself, whether we like it or not.
Rather than looking at all of tomorrow's unknowns, can you look at what you know today? Are you happy today? Is this the relationship/partner you want today?
Investing in another person's potential, without seeing serious action on that person's part towards change, can keep us stuck, settling for the familiar rather than risking something worse. If the thought of being alone is so frightening to you, that is an area that you can examine, work through, and make changes over. Your boyfriend's recovery is not.
This is some serious black and white thinking going on here. Him ending up clean for 60-something years and you ending up alone are two massive extremes in a field of about a billion different possible outcomes for either of you. You really don't have to worry about 60 years from now--the future will take care of itself, whether we like it or not.
Rather than looking at all of tomorrow's unknowns, can you look at what you know today? Are you happy today? Is this the relationship/partner you want today?
Investing in another person's potential, without seeing serious action on that person's part towards change, can keep us stuck, settling for the familiar rather than risking something worse. If the thought of being alone is so frightening to you, that is an area that you can examine, work through, and make changes over. Your boyfriend's recovery is not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
I think you just have to make a decision based on the situation as it is now. You cannot assume anything will change, for better or for worse.
So, if things remain as they are now, will you be happy in this relationship? Will you be free to be the best version of yourself that you can be? Will your life feel fulfilled?
If the benefits to being with your partner mean you can truly be happy with the situation as is, and you want to stay, stay. We get it. It's hard. Maybe one day, it will become too much, but for now perhaps you haven't reached that point yet.
If, on the other hand, it's gotten to the point where you're unhappy, you're stressed, you're not functioning well in life and all of that now outweighs the good, leave. You will be okay. Have faith in that.
So, if things remain as they are now, will you be happy in this relationship? Will you be free to be the best version of yourself that you can be? Will your life feel fulfilled?
If the benefits to being with your partner mean you can truly be happy with the situation as is, and you want to stay, stay. We get it. It's hard. Maybe one day, it will become too much, but for now perhaps you haven't reached that point yet.
If, on the other hand, it's gotten to the point where you're unhappy, you're stressed, you're not functioning well in life and all of that now outweighs the good, leave. You will be okay. Have faith in that.
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