Taylar16

Hi everyone, I am fairly new to this site and joined because I have been going through living hell for the past 6 months with my boyfriend of a couple years. I don't want to make this too long so I'll try to keep it short.

My boyfriend (ex currently) and I were together a full year before he touched meth and had our ups and downs but nothing too crazy that we both weren't willing to fix and compromise with. When my boyfriend first started using, he hid it from me for 2 months before coming to me about it and telling me the truth. I think it was easy for me to be blind to it at first because he would only do it during the day at work mon-fri and only smoke. After he came clean to me about it and started using daily, things took a turn.

For two months straight, I was accused on a daily basis, he had paranoia about everything, had no interest in finding a job prior to loosing his a month earlier, we had no money and were basically living out of our car, ruined family relationships and friendships, and couldn't go more then two days without fighting. The paranoia and the accusations is what got the best of our relationship because he won't constantly come up with these over the top accusations of things I was doing to him and it would make me angrier and more frustrated because I wasn't but couldn't convince him that because that's what happens when someone is addicted to meth.

After those two months of hell, my boyfriend got me to try meth for the first time with him. He made me so comfortable and at ease with his perfect manipulation and me being the girlfriend who had never spent a day apart from him since we started dating and that was attached, gave in. So for two months after that, we had been using and getting deeper and deeper into the hole of addiction to the point where we had to scrounge for pennies just to get a McDouble from McDonald's and had ruined everything in our lives as far as relationship and financially. Our relationship took the worst of it though because we would fight and hate each other 24 hours of the day 7 days of the week...literally because we had no sleep. I never had gotten the paranoia as far as side affects but his got even worse and I couldn't be alone in another room or go to the bathroom without me coming back and him accusing me. This is also when the physical and mental abuse started and was at a full time high. He didnt care how many bruises were on my body or how many times I broke down in tears to him. He hated me for things I never actually did but the drug convinced him I did. And I started to hate him for the person he had changed into and constantly being attacked.

Basically after those two months, I decided I wanted to get clean because of all the trauma and late nights I was put through so I tried to ask him if he would with me. Sometimes he would but being a user, he constantly promised things that he would never live up to especially as far as getting sober. Eventually a few weeks of me staying sober, my boyfriend started to distance himself from me....going awol for weeks at a time, never calling or answering the phone, and then checking in once or twice a week to keep tabs on where I was and what I was doing. Sometimes, if he ran out of dope and had to come down for 48 hours, the old him slowly started to come back and he would apologize and love me like he used to but that would only last until he took another hit. Long story short, my boyfriend started using needles instead of smoking it and everything just got ten times worse. Now he thinks he's invincible, lives in a fairytale land where no one can hurt him or touch him, lost all his friends and family members, and doesn't care to have me around anymore unless he's tired of being alone and wants some company.

I wasn't using long enough to know exactly what's going on in his head and I sure as hell never used needles, so I need a little help here. I'm at that point where I can either stick around and most likely start using again or at least be mentally and possibly physically abused every day to maybe help him find the right path to go (because I've done it before with alcohol addiction with him), or walk away for good and cut him off so he no longer has me at all. I told him a few days ago that I was stepping out of his life until he realizes how bad he's destroyed everything good in his life and gets clean and he never replied to the text and we haven't talked since.

I just want to know if when he does come down fully and stays clean for at least a few months, if he ever does, will he remember all the awful things he's done to me and come back to me asking to fix things? Or will the meth have already screwed with his head enough that he won't ever contact me again? I just basically wanna know if he is ever going to snap back into the brain he used to have and miss me again, knowing he treated me the way he did because of his addiction. Because sometimes when he is clean for a short period of time, he in a wag does....if anyone could please give me some advice that would be amazing! I haven't had anyone to understand my position or give me advice and I'm slipping into depression because of it. I'm still going to focus on me for now but I need to know if there is a slight chance of the old him coming back around once he's sober and feeling remorse and apologizing for everything he's done. Thank you so much!

DreamCatcher17

Welcome! You are in a good place here.

For 1: I am so glad you stopped. Never look back, don't touch it!!!!
for 2: Leave him in the past, that is what I would do and did. My ex husband was a meth user, he physically and emotionally abbused me for 2 years, until I had an enough, I left.
He cheated, lied, and so on.
I remember I took his kids out of state, came back to a female in my bed, and she wouldn't leave. It was the most awkward thing I had ever encountered, to say the least.

If he gets clean, and stays clean... I would recommend a year of sobriety before allowing him back into your life. For me, I have not seen my ex since, and I still have resentments and wish the worst possible for that evil human being, but that is just me. Had I stayed, or thought in the future we could amount to anything here is my anything:
10 years later, I find out he is still using, playing games, and being the same evil humane he was, so I would not have the job, son or life I currently have.
I maybe be an alcoholic, but I would rather deal with this than him any day of my life.

Best of luck to you.

Do what is best for you!

AnvilheadII

when you think about what HE was like, that WOULD be you if you started using again.

don't go back. the drugs are bad enough, the abuse is absolutely irrevocably unacceptable.
leave him to it. be glad you got out. don't be that girlfriend ever again.

hopeful4

I agree with Anvil.

I just said this in another thread, but I will say it again. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Stay strong. I am so glad you got away from using and away from that abuse. You deserve more.

Taylar16

Thank you so much! Honestly it really helps hearing someone else's advice that's been in a similar situation and I appreciate it!

Sephra

I have a meth addict in the family. Also addicted to heroin, currently on the methadone program and free of methamphetamine.
He has not returned to his pre meth state. And I do not believe he ever will. Nor do I think that he will ever really understand the damage he's done to the family. Let alone take responsibility for the damage he's done.

One of the keys is that he spent so much time lying and justifying his actions that I really don't think he knows the truth. The promise he had as a young teen is absolutely gone. He is still and has been for a few years non-functional.

You said that there was a lot of paranoia from the meth. Well, meth psychosis can appear up to a year and a half after last using meth. And once psychosis appears (20% of users) it is apt to throw them back into psychosis with each use.

It got so bad in my world that he was found naked in someone elses house, thought we'd bugged the house and were following him, etc. etc. etc. Even AFTER he pulled out of the psychosis he does not believe he ever was psychotic. It is a very short jump for someone psychotic to begin to see you as the persecutor.

Don't go back. Build a healthy life in front of you. If he ever WERE to really know what he did and how it affected you and apologized, GREAT... the likelihood of him really getting it? I wouldn't hold my breath. sorry. I tend to think that if someone in recovery REALLY got the impact it had on those they loved, and that loved them, they wouldn't be able to live with it. Denial runs deep. Besides, they at least had the insulation of a high along with the chaos, most of us dealing with the fall out, don't.

OpheliaKatz

I just went to a meth seminar this week, because my AH is an addict. He started out with drinking, then pot, then it got worse and worse and he's tried every drug under the sun. Your ex started with drinking too? They usually do. Please never touch meth again. It's really dangerous and hard to stop. Even if you wanted to it's hard to stop. I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for your ex. Abuse is abuse and NO ONE should ever stick around for it and waste their life to save another person. People have to save themselves. When and if your ex wants to be sober, he will get help even if he's still using. He might relapse a bit, but at least he'll be getting help. There is help out there for him that doesn't involve you. Family and friends are usually too close to the addict (emotionally) to be of any help. But you should know what to expect: 1) it takes 10 days of not using for the brain's dopamine levels to replenish, so that means in the time being, they will feel horrible, really depressed, really low. I think you know what that is like. 2) It takes up to 12 months sobriety for sobriety to really "stick", and then they have to start counseling for the issues that brought them to addiction in the first place. 3) While this is happening the addict will not the brain space for ANY relationship. Some addicts attempt to have relationships with other recovering addicts, but... let's not go there, it usually doesn't end well.

I would advise that you stay away from him. He has a long road ahead of him and no one can journey with him. And before he can even start the journey, he has to let go of denial, which he probably won't do because the thing about denial in addiction is that it can make the addict construct their own version of reality, a version that makes the continued use of drugs/alcohol acceptable. You've seen this happen when he hurts you.

Let him go. Focus on getting your life back. The people on SR have some good advice and helped me when I was at my lowest point. They will help you too. Please do some reading about addiction -- check out the stickies. Also consider going to Naranon/NA.

Also, reread what Sephra said. It's all true. In my AH's case, his hate of me, his friends, the people who tried to help, and his denial, all protect him from the truth of what he has done. Deep down inside is his "good self", a self that he murdered when he made these horrible choices. If he ever realizes the magnitude of his bad behavior, he would be so horrified that he would kill himself. He's tried this before, when I pointed out some horrible things he did, and then he quickly reverted to a state of denial when the suicide attempt did not work, and blamed everyone around him for his state (including me) and became violent. Let go of hope. They don't want it.

Taylar16

Your completely right and I think the hardest part for me is watching someone who once hated the drug because of his mother's own issues with meth psychosis, literally walk down the same path. He's lost everything from the truck he worked so hard for to his own legal freedom due to some recent events. After I posted this, 2 weeks ago he got drunk at a bar and got arested with two counts of controlled substance and tonight his aunt called me to come get him cause he had no where else to go and I told her no because I was scared he could hurt me and she called me an hour later and said he clocked her right in the side of the jaw and she is going to the ER. His aunt was someone he valued very much and to see him do something like that to someone he normally would never harm is sick. She called the police so now he's going to have to deal with domestic violence on top of it. I know he's angry at himself for the things he's done and i know he clings to meth to forget but he wasn't okay before the drug and now he's dug himself in a deep hole financially, relationship wise, and legally and it breaks my heart to see someone I fell in love with, completely self destruct. I think my biggest question is if once he's sober (because they're probably gonna put him through rehab now) is there ever a chance for me and him to have at least a friendship? We were best friends better then anything else before the drug and it kills me to loose my best friend and have him hate my guts over paranoid thoughts and me trying to help him...I just wanna know if once he is sober, will he try to reconnect with me at least on a friends level? Thank you so much for all your help, I can't to my family or friends about this stuff because I came from a much different childhood and lifestyle before I met him. Which isn't a bad thing but I have no one to talk to about this and actually understand!

Taylar16

The hardest part is watching him destroy his life and not being able to do anything about it. He might be facing time after an incident he had tonight (which I spoke about below) and I'm hoping they put him through rehab and this turns out to be a good thing as bad as that sounds. I'm scared as you said, that if he doesn't have to do any legal consequences or goes to treatment, that he will realize everything he's done (because he knows and has told me) and want to harm himself and that would destroy me. I'm mostly curious if once someday he gets sober, will he come to me and want to make amends at least in a friendship way? We were always best friends and I'm worried he will forget all about me and still hate me for things I never did and for just wanting to help. The worst feeling is when the person you love most and looks at you with the most disgusted hate in their eyes and they have no idea they hate you for things that honest to god never happened...

Taylar16

Your completely right and that's what I've been trying my best to do. I've been trying to move on and leave that chapter of my life in the past but every time I turn around, his family who I love dearly, calls me begging for my help because he has done something to them or they are worried about him and I tell them no but it still breaks my heart because there's nothing I can do to help. He used to listen to me and trust me and would stop anything at the snap of a finger if I told him it wasn't good for his life but he turned on me more than anyone else and now hates me for reasons I don't even know to this day. I don't get how he just dropped me off the face of the earth and acts like our relationship never even happened. I know it's the drugs but even when i was using, I never just stopped loving someone. Maybe because I have an extremely level head...idk. I'm 21 years old and instead of moving on, I'm constantly at home worrying about if he's eaten that day or where he's sleeping because it pains me to think of him starving, sleeping in his truck, and hurting even though this is his doing. I just need closure so bad because I never got it and until I get that from him and get answers, I'm finding it impossible to move on. Even though I know as long as he's using, he won't ever be able to give me those answers. Thank you very much for your help! You all have no idea how much this helps me because I have people that understand.

hopeful4

I would say going no contact will be best. Even if he does go through rehab, he is going to have lots to deal with, it won't just "fix" him. Sometimes you have to stay away from a person simply because a relationship with them is too toxic for you. It does not mean you care about them any less, just that you cannot have a relationship with them. The reality is that it's not very likely he will stay away from meth. He may replace it with something else, but an addicted personality is so very hard to fight, and not many can do it.

Big hugs to you.

teatreeoil007

If I were you wouldn't be sticking around to see what he "becomes" or goes back to. He has abused you. You've had the bruises to prove it and the mental/emotional torment which doesn't leave bruises on your body but does leave a different type of bruise on your psyche. You need time to heal....try not to even think about what he's doing. I would go no contact and keep no contact. Abuse tends to get progressively worse, just as addiction does. Sure he was under the influence of meth, but even when meth heads aren't high, they are a tough lot to deal with and yes they tend to be very paranoid. Sorry I can't say anything promising about your (ex) boyfriend, but I would be doing you a disservice if I did. Take care and keep coming back to SR...especially if you are questioning yourself.

OpheliaKatz

Abuse only gets worse over time and it takes a lot of work to "fix", longer than a stint in rehab. A domestic violence worker I saw recently said she had been counseling women's groups and men's groups for 30 years now, and while the women who recover move on and do better things, the men do not change. They simply move on to their next abusive relationship and continue the cycle. It's hard for them to change because there's "nothing in it" for them. Change is hard and from their point of view, there's no perceived benefit. If you don't tolerate their abuse, they just go shopping for another victim who will. Being considerate of another human being takes work, one that you are clearly willing to do but he is not willing or ready to do. You only get one life. I would find a new best friend (or just be alone, being lonely is better than being bruised, I know it may not seem like that, but at least you'll live... anyway, that's what I tell myself).

teatreeoil007

How are you doing Taylor?