The stupidest question ever =(
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello sixth,
You have been getting some great information and support so far. I just thought I would chime in and let you know that I do understand, although not to the same extent. You see, I have several family members who struggle(d) with addiction, but the person who drove me to find SR was my stepson--an alcoholic, crack addict, heroin addict.
My stepson has been homeless, unemployed, tasered by drug dealers, in prison, and in jail. He has totaled his car. Before that he had the windows broken out of it by a drug dealer sending him a message. He has stolen from his late father and has threatened to kill 3 members of his own family (his later father, his sister, and one of his half-brothers).
And yet in his addicted brain, none of this is his fault.
While Mr. Seren was still alive, he tried several ways to help his son. Assisted in paying his deposit on an apartment, agreed to pay rent for 6 months as long as he stayed off drugs, kept a job, and stayed out of trouble with the law (he was arrested for drug possession and lost his job in one weekend). He agreed to pay for counseling, encouraged any sort of help the young man might need. All of it was refused--and we always heard that constant refrain that "no one will help me".
Well, to translate, no one will help him the way he wants to be helped. That is:
During one of his fun-filled crack runs, I remember being in church with Mr. Seren at Christmastime and just bawling my eyes out knowing my stepson was in some crack house somewhere.
So, yeah, we get it--sadly. But we can also tell you that it is possible to have a peaceful life filled with joy in spite of what the addicts we love may be doing.
Hang in there!
You have been getting some great information and support so far. I just thought I would chime in and let you know that I do understand, although not to the same extent. You see, I have several family members who struggle(d) with addiction, but the person who drove me to find SR was my stepson--an alcoholic, crack addict, heroin addict.
My stepson has been homeless, unemployed, tasered by drug dealers, in prison, and in jail. He has totaled his car. Before that he had the windows broken out of it by a drug dealer sending him a message. He has stolen from his late father and has threatened to kill 3 members of his own family (his later father, his sister, and one of his half-brothers).
And yet in his addicted brain, none of this is his fault.
While Mr. Seren was still alive, he tried several ways to help his son. Assisted in paying his deposit on an apartment, agreed to pay rent for 6 months as long as he stayed off drugs, kept a job, and stayed out of trouble with the law (he was arrested for drug possession and lost his job in one weekend). He agreed to pay for counseling, encouraged any sort of help the young man might need. All of it was refused--and we always heard that constant refrain that "no one will help me".
Well, to translate, no one will help him the way he wants to be helped. That is:
- Don't hassle me about my drinking and drug use.
- Pay for my car, phone, and apartment.
- Do my laundry and cooking for me.
- Give me cash so I can impress my fake friends.
During one of his fun-filled crack runs, I remember being in church with Mr. Seren at Christmastime and just bawling my eyes out knowing my stepson was in some crack house somewhere.
So, yeah, we get it--sadly. But we can also tell you that it is possible to have a peaceful life filled with joy in spite of what the addicts we love may be doing.
Hang in there!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Seren, I read what you wrote and it brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could give you a hug.
I think the hardest part of being around addiction is acceptance. You have to accept that this person is trying to self-destruct and you can't stop them. It's painful to watch. It's torture.
Did you know that a long time ago, in England, during the early modern period, the royals used to inflict punishment by using a whipping boy? If you were a prince, for example, you wouldn't get spanked for your misdeeds, but the person who was in charge of disciplining you would get your buddy, and take a whip to them. This was supposed to make you feel horrible. Of course, if you were a decent person and didn't like to see others suffering, particularly your playmate, it was like torture.
I think when someone is doing these things to themselves and they don't want to stop, if you don't walk away and close your eyes, you're going to make yourself sick just watching it. Because there is nothing you can do. It is difficult because you always want to care for your children, not matter how old both of you get. But if your child is an adult, I think you need to save some resources for yourself.
I think the hardest part of being around addiction is acceptance. You have to accept that this person is trying to self-destruct and you can't stop them. It's painful to watch. It's torture.
Did you know that a long time ago, in England, during the early modern period, the royals used to inflict punishment by using a whipping boy? If you were a prince, for example, you wouldn't get spanked for your misdeeds, but the person who was in charge of disciplining you would get your buddy, and take a whip to them. This was supposed to make you feel horrible. Of course, if you were a decent person and didn't like to see others suffering, particularly your playmate, it was like torture.
I think when someone is doing these things to themselves and they don't want to stop, if you don't walk away and close your eyes, you're going to make yourself sick just watching it. Because there is nothing you can do. It is difficult because you always want to care for your children, not matter how old both of you get. But if your child is an adult, I think you need to save some resources for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I haven't had time to read all the replies yet, so this may have already been covered. You spoke of being manipulated and speaking to your son on the phone. I found that It was MUCH easier for my son to manipulate me while actually speaking to him so for a long time I refused any of his calls. We communicated solely through text and email. That way I saved myself many knee jerk reactions. It gave me time to think and process what he was saying and if I wasn't in a good frame of mind I didn't respond immediately. Another plus was that he found that it's not as easy to sound pathetic in text or email. The plus for me was that his messages let me know he was alive. Praying for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
6th, my son was homeless for several months until his arrest. Getting arrested probably saved his life. They put him in a rehab program and so far so good. Nar-Anon is a Godsend. I highly recommend it. You are an awesome mom and we are all here for you.
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