Embarrassed and Severely Depressed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 16
Embarrassed and Severely Depressed
Hi everyone. I've been writing on this forum for some time now about my ex boyfriend/boyfriend, whatever he may be. He has been doing cocaine daily for the past 2 months, and in those 2 months are relationship has declined extremely fast. He refused help, agreed to get help, then refused it again.
He does cocaine to the point of psychosis and severe paranoia. 2-3 grams per day. He thinks people are trying to break into his house. Anyway, he is done a complete 180 - he is no longer the loving, caring man I once knew. He is angry, nasty, cruel, and beyond selfish. I know this is TMI, but whenever he is high he will ask me to have sex with him and I absolutely hate it. He is jittery, paranoid, and nothing works (if you get what I'm saying). He is so obsessed with having sex while he's high, it's gotten to the point where if I don't want to do it he gets angry with me. It actually triggers me to be around him when he's high because my brother and mom were both addicts so I cannot enjoy it in the least bit. I've told him this and he tells me I'm being too negative and live in the past too much.
The other day my cat became very ill and needed to be hospitalized. I told him I was not in the mood to do anything sexual, I just wanted his support. His response was "whatever." He told me yesterday we'd go out to dinner (can't remember the last time we did) but when it came time, he said he didn't feel well and asked if we could get delivery instead. I flipped out and told him I'm sick of giving giving giving and never receiving anything in return. He told me once again I am being too negative and that he doesn't love me. (Even though the previous night he told me he was in love with me... I guess just to have sex with me). He told me I'm not worth stopping drugs for yet his exes were worth it and that's why he took them out to eat and put in effort.
I've been in such turmoil over this relationship. One day I feel strong enough to end it, other days I feel I'm addicted to him. I know he treats me so poorly but I keep hanging on to the person he once was. I just can't grasp that someone could become such a disgusting human within 2 months. I'm so depressed from this that I'm physically ill. I'm embarrassed I let this affect me so deeply. Sometimes I almost have semi suicidal thoughts. I'm trying SO hard to be okay and move on. I need serious support and help because I'm starting to lose myself.
He does cocaine to the point of psychosis and severe paranoia. 2-3 grams per day. He thinks people are trying to break into his house. Anyway, he is done a complete 180 - he is no longer the loving, caring man I once knew. He is angry, nasty, cruel, and beyond selfish. I know this is TMI, but whenever he is high he will ask me to have sex with him and I absolutely hate it. He is jittery, paranoid, and nothing works (if you get what I'm saying). He is so obsessed with having sex while he's high, it's gotten to the point where if I don't want to do it he gets angry with me. It actually triggers me to be around him when he's high because my brother and mom were both addicts so I cannot enjoy it in the least bit. I've told him this and he tells me I'm being too negative and live in the past too much.
The other day my cat became very ill and needed to be hospitalized. I told him I was not in the mood to do anything sexual, I just wanted his support. His response was "whatever." He told me yesterday we'd go out to dinner (can't remember the last time we did) but when it came time, he said he didn't feel well and asked if we could get delivery instead. I flipped out and told him I'm sick of giving giving giving and never receiving anything in return. He told me once again I am being too negative and that he doesn't love me. (Even though the previous night he told me he was in love with me... I guess just to have sex with me). He told me I'm not worth stopping drugs for yet his exes were worth it and that's why he took them out to eat and put in effort.
I've been in such turmoil over this relationship. One day I feel strong enough to end it, other days I feel I'm addicted to him. I know he treats me so poorly but I keep hanging on to the person he once was. I just can't grasp that someone could become such a disgusting human within 2 months. I'm so depressed from this that I'm physically ill. I'm embarrassed I let this affect me so deeply. Sometimes I almost have semi suicidal thoughts. I'm trying SO hard to be okay and move on. I need serious support and help because I'm starting to lose myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Abby.
Do you have a place you can go, just for a bit?
Maybe back home, or a friend’s place, you and kitty.
I feel that youare in a dangerous place right now.
Your SO is psychotic when he uses, by your admission.
He pressures you for something you don’t want to, and shouldn’t have to give, your body. He is mean and verbally abusive.
Honey, this is so not normal, I can’t even.
Please get out of there so you can think.
Please.
Do you have a place you can go, just for a bit?
Maybe back home, or a friend’s place, you and kitty.
I feel that youare in a dangerous place right now.
Your SO is psychotic when he uses, by your admission.
He pressures you for something you don’t want to, and shouldn’t have to give, your body. He is mean and verbally abusive.
Honey, this is so not normal, I can’t even.
Please get out of there so you can think.
Please.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I've been writing on this forum for some time now about my ex boyfriend/boyfriend, whatever he may be.
It seems that nothing has changed with your situation from when you first posted in the beginning of November.
He is still doing the same hurtful things and you are still allowing it.
This is person you have only “dated” for 6 months, it’s not working out – time to let go.
What are you embarrassed about? ……….that you went back? that you want to stay?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by atalose 
What ever he may be...................a drug addict, an angry person, a hurtful person, a user.............pretty much all the negatives and why a healthy person would stop "dating" and get away from such behaviors.
It seems that nothing has changed with your situation from when you first posted in the beginning of November.
He is still doing the same hurtful things and you are still allowing it.
This is person you have only “dated” for 6 months, it’s not working out – time to let go.
What are you embarrassed about? ……….that you went back? that you want to stay?
It seems that nothing has changed with your situation from when you first posted in the beginning of November.
He is still doing the same hurtful things and you are still allowing it.
This is person you have only “dated” for 6 months, it’s not working out – time to let go.
What are you embarrassed about? ……….that you went back? that you want to stay?
Yes, just embarrassed that I have allowed someone I've only dated for 6 months have such an impact on me. Normally I am not like this. I don't know how or why I got to this point.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
stop putting ANY value on ANYTHING he says. it's all rubbish. the blatherings of someone jacked up on coke, coming down from coke, wanting to get more coke.
yes he is using for sex. there i said it. even when "it" doesn't work,
his coke infused brain and pleasure centers WANT WANT WANT.
6 months. end it NOW. there is nothing, and i mean NOTHING to be salvaged here. get out, get away. he'll be fine. trust me.
yes he is using for sex. there i said it. even when "it" doesn't work,
his coke infused brain and pleasure centers WANT WANT WANT.
6 months. end it NOW. there is nothing, and i mean NOTHING to be salvaged here. get out, get away. he'll be fine. trust me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 16
Thanks for listening everyone. I think the reason it has hit me so hard for being only 6 months is because I've been in such a rut the last year, this was just the icing on the cake. I just spent the last 4 years helping my brother stop using heroin. I'm just drained beyond words.
I know I have to start caring more for myself. I'm going to start today and never look back.
I know I have to start caring more for myself. I'm going to start today and never look back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
OMGosh, did you say heroin? Oh Sweetheart, I am TERRIFIED! I'm going to be dealing with that too now. But that aside...
How old are you, if I may?
I know I got "involved" and even Married way too young. Too hard to deal with the pressures and every day struggle of *YOU* doing fine! But constantly being sucked back under...
I understand what you are going through. I have no advice as I'm going through your "brother thing" right now, except he's my son.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone Sweetheart.
How old are you, if I may?
I know I got "involved" and even Married way too young. Too hard to deal with the pressures and every day struggle of *YOU* doing fine! But constantly being sucked back under...
I understand what you are going through. I have no advice as I'm going through your "brother thing" right now, except he's my son.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone Sweetheart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by sixth
OMGosh, did you say heroin? Oh Sweetheart, I am TERRIFIED! I'm going to be dealing with that too now. But that aside...
How old are you, if I may?
I know I got "involved" and even Married way too young. Too hard to deal with the pressures and every day struggle of *YOU* doing fine! But constantly being sucked back under...
I understand what you are going through. I have no advice as I'm going through your "brother thing" right now, except he's my son.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone Sweetheart.
How old are you, if I may?
I know I got "involved" and even Married way too young. Too hard to deal with the pressures and every day struggle of *YOU* doing fine! But constantly being sucked back under...
I understand what you are going through. I have no advice as I'm going through your "brother thing" right now, except he's my son.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone Sweetheart.
Don't give up and don't stop believing. Stay strong. I know it's difficult because it's your son but just stay positive and know that there are people out there who change.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Abby, I don't know your history so I might be making a lot of assumptions here. I was in a relationship for 10 years. For most of it, I didn't know that I was living with an addict. I thought I was living with a sick person. So I know what shame feels like. Please do not feel ashamed of not having left yet, but please DO leave. I don't know your history, but I think it may be that your reluctance to leave has something to do with having a sibling that has addiction problems. It's harder to leave a child, a sibling, or a parents. However, this guy is not your brother. He's a guy you've been with for 6 months. Don't let that 6 months turn into a year. He's being sexually abusive by pressuring you to have sex. He's using a dangerous drug. He has no respect for your feelings. You need to get away from this. You and the cat need to get away.
You say that normally you are not like this. Unfortunately there is no room for you in the relationship with him, which is why you are not yourself, you don't have space to be yourself. All your energy is taken up by what he wants, needs, and anticipating his next crises or trying to manage the way he treats you. That is not a relationship, that is abuse. It also doesn't matter what he used to be like. People are what they do, not who they were.
Every year, the cells in our bodies die and renew, we grow hair, we cut off dead hair, we get scraped, our scrapes heal. He's not the same person he was before. When you're dealing with addicts, you're dealing with people who are abusing themselves and causing not just psychological changes but also physical changes in themselves. He is who he is NOW... not a few months before. It takes a long time to heal from serious sustained self-harm. Sometimes, managing the scars are life-long. You can't be there with him. You have your own journey. The only way to know what you were like is to have space for yourself in your head.
I hope I'm not being presumptuous. I'm speaking mostly from my experience with an addict. I know my reasons for staying and they were all fallacious and deluded. I was addicted to hope.
You say that normally you are not like this. Unfortunately there is no room for you in the relationship with him, which is why you are not yourself, you don't have space to be yourself. All your energy is taken up by what he wants, needs, and anticipating his next crises or trying to manage the way he treats you. That is not a relationship, that is abuse. It also doesn't matter what he used to be like. People are what they do, not who they were.
Every year, the cells in our bodies die and renew, we grow hair, we cut off dead hair, we get scraped, our scrapes heal. He's not the same person he was before. When you're dealing with addicts, you're dealing with people who are abusing themselves and causing not just psychological changes but also physical changes in themselves. He is who he is NOW... not a few months before. It takes a long time to heal from serious sustained self-harm. Sometimes, managing the scars are life-long. You can't be there with him. You have your own journey. The only way to know what you were like is to have space for yourself in your head.
I hope I'm not being presumptuous. I'm speaking mostly from my experience with an addict. I know my reasons for staying and they were all fallacious and deluded. I was addicted to hope.
Originally Posted by Abby2690
I'm 27! And I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Just keep believing! My brother overdosed 9 times and was narcanned 3 times on the 9th overdose ... he was seconds from dying. This went on for 4 years. I would wake up every few hours in frantic anxiety and would go check to make sure he's still breathing in the middle of the night. But after 19 rehab stints something finally clicked. I honestly don't know what it was. He's been clean for 10 months by the grace of God.
Don't give up and don't stop believing. Stay strong. I know it's difficult because it's your son but just stay positive and know that there are people out there who change.
Don't give up and don't stop believing. Stay strong. I know it's difficult because it's your son but just stay positive and know that there are people out there who change.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Take a break from helping others for a while and help yourself. Put the effort you used to put into other people, in yourself. If you do this, at least you know that you are going to take all your suggestions seriously. It won't be pearls before swine.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Hi Abby! I'm so glad to hear you've decided to start taking care of yourself first. And that's great news about your brother! 
Totally agree with the others in this thread - this man is abusing you. I hope you're able to leave him immediately, because unfortunately, the longer you stay with him, the harder it's likely to get. It's likely that your sense of yourself will only continue to erode the longer he treats you this way. You say you're not normally like this, which suggests he's already had an effect. If you're not ready to leave him just yet, please take whatever steps you need to get yourself ready. If there's someone you can talk to, try to do it, even if it's hard. If there isn't anyone you can can trust, call a helpline and talk it through with a trained adviser. Coming here was a good start, but talking it through verbally may help too!
It sounds like you've had a tough few years with your brother, and your mum before him. Personally I've found that trying to help an addict can really mess with your own sense of boundaries; things that might have previously seemed unforgivable can come to seem more complicated once you start to think of them as sick, rather than just a liar or a thief. And now, almost immediately you've met one who is a flat-out abuser, over and above the 'usual' abusive behaviours that are inherent to addiction; someone who violates you sexually, who doesn't care even when sober that this is traumatic for you, and generally tramples all OVER your boundaries. You have nothing to be embarrassed about; plenty of people have been blindsided by an abuser, even without this kind of groundwork having been laid in advance. I don't want to make assumptions about your mum or brother, but I do believe that close relationships with addicts can share a lot of features in common with abusive relationships. It might be that this is why you haven't had the mental energy to put yourself first up until now.
You sound like a nice person - please don't wait any longer than necessary! The longer he has you, there harder it's likely to get.
Good luck!
Totally agree with the others in this thread - this man is abusing you. I hope you're able to leave him immediately, because unfortunately, the longer you stay with him, the harder it's likely to get. It's likely that your sense of yourself will only continue to erode the longer he treats you this way. You say you're not normally like this, which suggests he's already had an effect. If you're not ready to leave him just yet, please take whatever steps you need to get yourself ready. If there's someone you can talk to, try to do it, even if it's hard. If there isn't anyone you can can trust, call a helpline and talk it through with a trained adviser. Coming here was a good start, but talking it through verbally may help too!
It sounds like you've had a tough few years with your brother, and your mum before him. Personally I've found that trying to help an addict can really mess with your own sense of boundaries; things that might have previously seemed unforgivable can come to seem more complicated once you start to think of them as sick, rather than just a liar or a thief. And now, almost immediately you've met one who is a flat-out abuser, over and above the 'usual' abusive behaviours that are inherent to addiction; someone who violates you sexually, who doesn't care even when sober that this is traumatic for you, and generally tramples all OVER your boundaries. You have nothing to be embarrassed about; plenty of people have been blindsided by an abuser, even without this kind of groundwork having been laid in advance. I don't want to make assumptions about your mum or brother, but I do believe that close relationships with addicts can share a lot of features in common with abusive relationships. It might be that this is why you haven't had the mental energy to put yourself first up until now.
You sound like a nice person - please don't wait any longer than necessary! The longer he has you, there harder it's likely to get.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
Thank you Abby for the above. What I REALLY hope is that my son starts back with his Psychiatrist soon. That's the part that breaks me ... he NEEDS HIS DOCTOR but with no one to take him... *sigh*
You give the best advice from someone suffering for so long now. I can't imagine this struggle going on for so very long. OMGosh. Breaks my heart and you, m'dear shall be in mine. God Bless or Allah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whoever you deem appropriate.
*hugs* and thank you for your posts... they truly DO help me.
You give the best advice from someone suffering for so long now. I can't imagine this struggle going on for so very long. OMGosh. Breaks my heart and you, m'dear shall be in mine. God Bless or Allah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whoever you deem appropriate.
*hugs* and thank you for your posts... they truly DO help me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
