Do Old Behaviors Still Exhaust During New Recovery
Bulldogs46
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Georgia
Posts: 21
Do Old Behaviors Still Exhaust During New Recovery
I have gone through this same thing with my ex for the past five years. He just got out of rehab for 6 months and relapsed and re-entered rehab in June for another 3 months. I told him I didn't think he was ready considering he has been dealing with addiction since the age of 14 and he is now 46. I wanted to use a post that was posted years ago and wanted to know do newly recovering addicts who still talk about urges and using, continue with the same behaviors that they did during active addiction. I still question his sobriety at this time and I'm pretty sure he is back to using, even if it's not to the extent of what it was before. He is now with a newly recovering addict after he went on to tell me that he loved me, I was the love of his life, and he wanted to marry me and no one else. I'm not saying that he doesn't love this girl, but I feel she offered him a place to stay, since all his options were exhausted and I would not allow it due to the fact he was still talking of using. Please read the following post and tell me to newly recovering addicts still continue with their same active behaviors. Heartbroken in GA.
What Addicts Do
What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
Quote:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
What Addicts Do
What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
Quote:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi
From my experience they are either in real recovery & sobriety or they are not. My addict pretended she was in recovery but if you look at her life & what she does she clearly is not.
Recovery looks & feels like recovery. Active addiction looks & feels like active addiction.
Trust your gut.
I'm sorry for your situation. You've come to a good place for help & support.
From my experience they are either in real recovery & sobriety or they are not. My addict pretended she was in recovery but if you look at her life & what she does she clearly is not.
Recovery looks & feels like recovery. Active addiction looks & feels like active addiction.
Trust your gut.
I'm sorry for your situation. You've come to a good place for help & support.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I'm just picking apart the evidence, so bear with me.
1) You've dealt with 5 years of his addiction recovery (am I right?).
2) He was out of rehab for 6 months, relapsed and reentered with 3 months... then came out again? So he's basically only been in rehab for 3 months, because every time they relapse, they start back where they left off.
3) He's been an addict since 14 and now is 46. He has been struggling with sobriety for 32 years (!). In 32 years, he has not been able to maintain sobriety.
4) He still has the urge to use drugs.
5) You still question his sobriety and are pretty sure he's back to using. 3 months of rehab does not make a person sober. Whatever psychological problem that caused him to use drugs for 32 (!!!) years is still there. My ex has been an addict using drugs on and off (never being sober for more than 2-3 months) for 22 years -- that's more than 2 decades. 10 of those years were with me. You had 5 years with this guy. STOP. Before you're a sad, lonely, poor, angry, pathetic, old Okatz.
6) He's living with a newly recovering addict. That's convenient in more ways than one.
Your question is: do newly recovering addicts continue with the same behaviors they had while in active addiction?
Yes and no. Yes because they are in the early stages so while they may be sober, they have years of emotional immaturity and trauma and avoidance issues to unpack -- people don't use drugs because they are happy campers with no hurt. And no because some of them are better than unpacking than others.
HOWEVER... I believe that your ex is NOT a newly recovering addict. I believe he is not even sober. Therefore, he is not recovering, he is just an addict. Unless he continues with his program (not leaving rehab and shacking up with someone who is okay with him continuing to use), he is not recovering, and won't be.
If he's been in and out of rehab for 5 years your relationship has been in limbo for 5 years, and that's a long time to try to wiggle under a stick.
I know it's probably not what you want to hear and I get that. I often think of how wonderful it would be if my ex were to become sober in 5 years. I would be posting and asking the same questions if he were to contact me.
1) You've dealt with 5 years of his addiction recovery (am I right?).
2) He was out of rehab for 6 months, relapsed and reentered with 3 months... then came out again? So he's basically only been in rehab for 3 months, because every time they relapse, they start back where they left off.
3) He's been an addict since 14 and now is 46. He has been struggling with sobriety for 32 years (!). In 32 years, he has not been able to maintain sobriety.
4) He still has the urge to use drugs.
5) You still question his sobriety and are pretty sure he's back to using. 3 months of rehab does not make a person sober. Whatever psychological problem that caused him to use drugs for 32 (!!!) years is still there. My ex has been an addict using drugs on and off (never being sober for more than 2-3 months) for 22 years -- that's more than 2 decades. 10 of those years were with me. You had 5 years with this guy. STOP. Before you're a sad, lonely, poor, angry, pathetic, old Okatz.
6) He's living with a newly recovering addict. That's convenient in more ways than one.
Your question is: do newly recovering addicts continue with the same behaviors they had while in active addiction?
Yes and no. Yes because they are in the early stages so while they may be sober, they have years of emotional immaturity and trauma and avoidance issues to unpack -- people don't use drugs because they are happy campers with no hurt. And no because some of them are better than unpacking than others.
HOWEVER... I believe that your ex is NOT a newly recovering addict. I believe he is not even sober. Therefore, he is not recovering, he is just an addict. Unless he continues with his program (not leaving rehab and shacking up with someone who is okay with him continuing to use), he is not recovering, and won't be.
If he's been in and out of rehab for 5 years your relationship has been in limbo for 5 years, and that's a long time to try to wiggle under a stick.
I know it's probably not what you want to hear and I get that. I often think of how wonderful it would be if my ex were to become sober in 5 years. I would be posting and asking the same questions if he were to contact me.
Originally Posted by chambersk71 
I have gone through this same thing with my ex for the past five years. He just got out of rehab for 6 months and relapsed and re-entered rehab in June for another 3 months. I told him I didn't think he was ready considering he has been dealing with addiction since the age of 14 and he is now 46. I wanted to use a post that was posted years ago and wanted to know do newly recovering addicts who still talk about urges and using, continue with the same behaviors that they did during active addiction. I still question his sobriety at this time and I'm pretty sure he is back to using, even if it's not to the extent of what it was before. He is now with a newly recovering addict
Bulldogs46
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Georgia
Posts: 21
All of you thank you for your responses. Ophelia I cannot express the gratitude I have for you just giving it straight to me. This is exactly what I needed to here. I have been through days and nights of tears because I feel like I have lost a part of me. He has been a part of my life for 5 years, but when I look back it has been nothing but worry, tears and pain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He has a 32 year history of using drugs, you spend 5 of them with him don’t waste any more of your precious life on someone who couldn’t possible give you the life you deserve and want.
It would be like continually trying to fit that square peg into the round hole, it’s just not going to work.
It would be like continually trying to fit that square peg into the round hole, it’s just not going to work.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry you are going through this.
Based on what you've shared he is still in active addiction and not in true recovery. Now he's gone off and is living with someone else. Ouch. Big ouch. Sending a big hug to you. Hang in there and take extra special care of yourself, no matter what.
Based on what you've shared he is still in active addiction and not in true recovery. Now he's gone off and is living with someone else. Ouch. Big ouch. Sending a big hug to you. Hang in there and take extra special care of yourself, no matter what.
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