purpleprincess

This is my second post and I have a question. Because I feel like I have had moments with my addict that seem to be his true feelings. Not these what I call manufactured feelings from the drug. His choice of drug is cocaine and I believe crack.

Has anyone experienced where they seem to channel into there feelings and you see the real person not the drugs and they express to how they truly feel about you?

AnvilheadII

i sense that you feel more that "just friends" for this person and that you are wanting to have MORE of a relationship.

but as long he is smoking crack - NO. don't go there. don't get further involved.

over time addiction steals away more and more of one's humanity. the drug is like a tumor, gobbling up more and more of the "good stuff" and leaving gaping empty holes. crack is a soul killer.

i know cuz i was once a crackhead. i am clean today, by the grace of god.

Girl1101

1 month ago I almost got into a relationship with a pothead and who knows what else he did that he didn't tell me. He said a lot of things that were nice, pretty, and "seemed real", and got me hooked on his "genuine" compliments, but then there were times where he contradicted himself, and his words never matched his actions. Now I don't know what was real or genuine, or if it was all fake. I have no idea.

The relationship didn't move forward because he ghosted me and I'm glad he did. Probably because it was all fake. I don't want to live a life knowing what's real and what's drug induced, that sounds like it's own kind of hell and like emotional torture.

I don't even know him that well and I'm still confused about stuff that he said. I'm trying to push it out of my head still. I don't know how long you are with this person, but there really is no way to tell what's real and what's not.

purpleprincess

Thank you, for you insight and congratulations on your sobriety.
Well, we are more than friends you are correct. He has been distant lately well a whole lot distant. He keeps flip flopping back and forth with me actually. He doesnt know that I am aware of his addiction.Or at least I dont think so. He told me that he doesn't like cocaine,that is not his choice . Because he already has problems sleeping and he loves to eat. But, I have been around him its one extreme to the next either no food or loads of food.

I feel stuck...I may be in trouble because I love him.
We

purpleprincess

I have known this person for a year. I just know that he expresses himself pretty well. It's hard for me to believe that its not all true and when around each other his actions are consistant with a person who loves and cares for a person.

But you are right I dont wanna live my life without every really know what is true.

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

AnvilheadII

crack can make people chatty as hell....some have called it truth serum - it gets everything all jacked AND evaporates any filters. so his verbosity and words could very well be driven by the drugs.

we want STABLE people in our lives. day in and day out. if we wanted to experience a different personality each day, we'd date multiple people.

let's say you were dating someone who was into rock climbing. just how much time do you think you'd spend on line researching and learning everything there is about rock climbing and trying to understand what he thinks WHILE rock climbing? would you join a rock climbing support group?

swap out rock climbing for sailing, boat building, translating the great literary arts..........same thing. you might find it fascinating, you might be intrigued, but it probably wouldn't cause you angst and confusion and some with a pre-assembled storage locker full of DRAMA.

but i love him......
because i love him.......
those are traps we build for ourselves. love should never keep us captive. never force us endure bad stuff, pain, sadness. never chain us to someone. when "love" is prison, it is no longer love.

purpleprincess

Anvilheadll,

I am starting to see your points fairly clearly. I wish I had know more of the signs earlier on. I truly am appreciating you helping me gain clarity. As this is not easy for me understand because I know what my heart feels, but it seems that only way that this behavior will stop is if he truly wants to do it. But honestly, I dont know if I will be able to turn him away if he came to me for help. I know that I will have to place boundaries up for myself. And stick to them.I have a feeling once I do that...he will further distance himself. It will hurt but It may need to happen this way.

I dont want him to feel anymore less than good enough for me, as he has already stated that before cause I am concerned of his well-being. But I do understand that I must protect myself as well, first and foremost.

One other thing
There are times where he has put me before
himself....I have been reading that addicts are self -centered, is this a normal behavior?

Thank you again!

OpheliaKatz

Try to think about what this relationship is doing to you. If you hold out for the times that he puts you before himself, know that you might get less and less of those times as the addiction progresses. In fact, you'll be getting "him before you" and "you trying to understand him" all the time.

I am not saying that he doesn't or can't love you, but if he is an addict, he loves the drugs/alcohol more, much, much more. I am also not saying that you shouldn't love him, but sometimes it's not possible to be in a relationship with (and also not advisable to have contact with) people we think we love if those people are not in a position to do the "work" of love, which entails mutual responsibility for themselves and others.

Go no contact -- it will hurt initially, but it will be easier than if you keep in touch and get drawn into his drama.

If you keep helping him, you might end up making his life worse (and wasting your life). I say this because I think if I had NOT stayed with my STBAXH, if I had not protected him from the consequences of his actions, repeatedly, I don't think he would have had the money to become as sickly as he has become. It is possible that the misguided "love" of friends and family is the worst thing for an addict -- you can't make a person walk by carrying them.

You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
You should not let it consume you.