Hechosedrugs

Today I attended some family law hearings to get a feel for how they work. A woman was there with her father on one side of the room. On the other side sat her ex-husband with his new girlfriend, a much younger woman, scantily clad and in 6-inch stripper heels with a full face of makeup.

They were called to the stand (not the girlfriend, of course).

The ex-wife had requested permission to move across the country with the children because...

"I don't want to live in this county anymore with the two people I despise most."

A big smile came across the ex-husband's face. He'd just won, and he knew it.

The judge called the ex-wife out on this statement, saying she'd given the reason that the move would be good for HER, but made no mention of the children.

The ex-wife explained that when she says "I" that includes the children, because they are one unit. Her happiness is their happiness.
She has been the sole custodian for two years. She takes them to school, all appointments, etc. He is an addict who only visits once a week- and often doesn't show up at all. California is too expensive. She has a job offer in Pennsylvania and can give them a better life there.

It was actually very well worded. If only she had led with that, and not made that spiteful comment. The judge reversed their original order, giving the ex-husband 3 days a week instead of one. Children are not to leave the county, let alone state.

Just a lesson for all of us embroiled in custody battles- especially those who, like her (and me), are going pro se against exes who are represented. We must not show any sign of resentment. It must be all about the kids.

Not easy. I'm sure it gave her a moment's satisfaction to say those words, but in the end it cost her everything.

Girl1101

That sucks. Yeah it's always good to go in with a clear head and speak diplomatically/formally/non-emotionally and never making it about yourself.

I have a question though.

Can a judge ever make the ex-husband not leave the county? Why would the judge restrict the kids and not the ex-husband?

Seems kind of weird to have made a harsh decision based on that. If I were her I would do an appeal or something.

Ann

I would document his missed visitations and lack of contact with the children for a couple of months and then try again. The judge should have seen beyond her first response, of course she has personal pain, and seen that she and the children would actually be better off by moving. Then, if the ex really wants to see his children, let HIM be the one to be inconvenienced by the travel or having to move himself to see them.

When I grow up I want to be a judge. The world will be a better place.

hopeful4

She ticked the judge off from the very moment she opened her mouth with that statement. Rightfully so. It really is about the kids, and if you are not able to articulate that, then you better have an attorney who can do it for you.

Hechosedrugs

She was wrong, to be sure. However, it's almost as if the judge stooped to her level. What's worse, having children grow up with a petulant mother or in a home with active addiction? So, because she wasn't putting her children's needs first, the judge chose not to put the children's needs first... to teach her a lesson?

I don't know. But this system is so ridiculous. I don't really understand our system of having only one judge, who holds such tremendous power.

Sephra

It is extremely difficult, facing an ex (that may have been abusive and or threatening) in court, fighting for the most important thing in your life, (your children) and not become emotional.
When we are faced with having to go to court for custody, we are not in the right frame of mind to do so.
It is much better, whenever possible to have a lawyer.
It is possible to "win" without representation on one side. (I know, I've done it, but it isn't something I would wish on anyone)
I've seen good judges who see through the BS, I've seen jaded judges that want to "teach a lesson"
I've seen the state get involved to the benefit of No One.
Hang tough, keep fighting the good fight. It will be over at some point.

Hechosedrugs

Also, I forgot to mention- the ex-husband's father was in the courtroom, snickering at every little thing she said. I was getting pretty frustrated with the bailiff- it seemed he should have stepped in, as this was obvious goading.

It's just so hard for most people who haven't experienced the intense gaslighting involved in being married to an addict to comprehend the effects it has on our psyches. It takes superhuman strength to take the high road after they've deceived and manipulated us for years, then left us with literally less than nothing, running up debt in our names and often getting off scott free.

I had no idea how immature I was until I was faced with all of this injustice and expected to just stuff it and "wish my ex the best". I wanted to scream at all of his family members for supporting his drug addiction and turning their backs on me. I really wanted to scream at our first mediator, who made a mountain out of my high school suicide attempt 20 years prior, but a molehill out ex's rapidly progressing addiction.

But I'm better for it now. Really hoping all this practice will come in handy in court. I'm sure he'll have some of his flying monkeys there to goad me, too.

But I'm not afraid of them- THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A PACK OF CARDS!!!!

That's what I keep telling myself

hopeful4

I completely agree! The Family Court system is so broken I don't even know what to think. I don't think the decision was right, I just think she was ill prepared to go in front of someone who has caused her so much rage, which is so very hard. So sad b/c now the children are the ones who pay the price.