Newly Ex-Boyfriend
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 4
Newly Ex-Boyfriend
Recently, my boyfriend and I of 5 months broke up. A little history of our short but turmuluous relationship.
He is a single father of 2 yr old twins. The mother of his children and him have not been together since the babies were infants.
He dated a girl for 2 months and broke up with a her 2 months before we met.
We began dating and I was enamored by his funny, colorful personality. He was full of humor and we related to eachother through humor, drinking and good times. I knew he smoked weed and I participated with him....even though this was against my character. I wanted to do whatever he did to relate to him.
2 months in, I noticed he started getting distant and wasn't giving me the attention he did in the beginning. I approached him and asked him why he was ignoring me and being cold. He said "I told you I didn't want a girlfriend". I said ok, and simply left.
A few days later he reached out to me to reconcile and try it again. I agreeed and at that point we laid out some ground rules. We were simply just going to "go with the flow" no titles. But under the circumstances we were exclusive.
Without the pressure of a title I saw him open up more at this point I shared with him my history with guys I previously dated and dropped hints nonchalantly that My ex dabbled in meth.
About a week into getting back "together" he started showing signs of the same behavior...secluding himself, hiding his phone, staying up really late etc.
I reached out to his mom, who told me what was going on without having to say it.
He was on meth.
I researched ways to approach him that I knew.
When I approached him about knowing, I saw a wall come down and he was so transparent with me. He said he never wanted me to find out because of he knew how bad it was when I was with my ex and he never wanted to remind me of my ex.
We talked about it and he said if he were to stop for anyone, it would be me.
A week later, he decided he wanted to stop. He reached out to his suppliers and let them know he's stopping and we even went by one guys house to tell him in person. I was so excited for this.
The same week he decided to stop. He gets a call from DFCS. They had come to his ex's house due to a tip that drugs were in her house.
He goes under the assumption the whole time he was going to be able to rescue his kids and it be said and done. When he gets there, they ask him if he smoked weed. He was honest and said yes. They drug tested him. The drug test came back positive for weed and meth.
What he thought was his crowning moment his "dad of the year" moment came crashing down on him.
The children got turned over to protective custody (his mom).
He was completely devastated. This 32 year old man was crumbling in my arms sobbing and bawling uncontrollably.
He was very sad and heartbroken.
He went about a week clean. Not doing anything. Then the reality started to sink in, he turned back to the meth.
I told him I understood but wanted to make sure he understood. I told him I would be there and support him whatever he chose to do. And we agreed upon baby steps.
I promised to never leave him through his getting clean process.
The state enrolled him in outpatient treatment.
He told me this was going to get very hard, and gave me an out. I told him that I promised I would never leave or abandon him. I felt like I was put in this mans life for a reason.
He's been in treatment and going to meetings for 2 weeks now. I agreed to go to AA/NA meetings with him. I do drink some, but do not participate in smoking weed outside of him. I never got to go with him.
About a week ago, he found out i lied about something so small to me but a deal breaker in his eyes.
This lie he says, caused him to break up with me.
Im so heartbroken, how can I go through this with him and he do this to me?
I saw him hit his lowest point. Stayed during his lowest point. Was faithful and loyal during all of this!
I refuse to give up on him even though he has pushed me out.
I've decided if he's going to get clean it's best I'm not there as this is his own decision. He's faking his way through outpatient and is still using.
I've told him I'm not giving up on him even if he wants to throw me away.
I've looked into attending Al-anon and Nar-anon to help me.
My question is, do I let him know? Or will he automatically think I'm "holier than thou" and think I'm just doing it to try to get him back.
I don't think us being in a relationship is healthy but I want to show him I'm not giving up.
Any advice will help and I'll fill in any holes I may have left out.
He is a single father of 2 yr old twins. The mother of his children and him have not been together since the babies were infants.
He dated a girl for 2 months and broke up with a her 2 months before we met.
We began dating and I was enamored by his funny, colorful personality. He was full of humor and we related to eachother through humor, drinking and good times. I knew he smoked weed and I participated with him....even though this was against my character. I wanted to do whatever he did to relate to him.
2 months in, I noticed he started getting distant and wasn't giving me the attention he did in the beginning. I approached him and asked him why he was ignoring me and being cold. He said "I told you I didn't want a girlfriend". I said ok, and simply left.
A few days later he reached out to me to reconcile and try it again. I agreeed and at that point we laid out some ground rules. We were simply just going to "go with the flow" no titles. But under the circumstances we were exclusive.
Without the pressure of a title I saw him open up more at this point I shared with him my history with guys I previously dated and dropped hints nonchalantly that My ex dabbled in meth.
About a week into getting back "together" he started showing signs of the same behavior...secluding himself, hiding his phone, staying up really late etc.
I reached out to his mom, who told me what was going on without having to say it.
He was on meth.
I researched ways to approach him that I knew.
When I approached him about knowing, I saw a wall come down and he was so transparent with me. He said he never wanted me to find out because of he knew how bad it was when I was with my ex and he never wanted to remind me of my ex.
We talked about it and he said if he were to stop for anyone, it would be me.
A week later, he decided he wanted to stop. He reached out to his suppliers and let them know he's stopping and we even went by one guys house to tell him in person. I was so excited for this.
The same week he decided to stop. He gets a call from DFCS. They had come to his ex's house due to a tip that drugs were in her house.
He goes under the assumption the whole time he was going to be able to rescue his kids and it be said and done. When he gets there, they ask him if he smoked weed. He was honest and said yes. They drug tested him. The drug test came back positive for weed and meth.
What he thought was his crowning moment his "dad of the year" moment came crashing down on him.
The children got turned over to protective custody (his mom).
He was completely devastated. This 32 year old man was crumbling in my arms sobbing and bawling uncontrollably.
He was very sad and heartbroken.
He went about a week clean. Not doing anything. Then the reality started to sink in, he turned back to the meth.
I told him I understood but wanted to make sure he understood. I told him I would be there and support him whatever he chose to do. And we agreed upon baby steps.
I promised to never leave him through his getting clean process.
The state enrolled him in outpatient treatment.
He told me this was going to get very hard, and gave me an out. I told him that I promised I would never leave or abandon him. I felt like I was put in this mans life for a reason.
He's been in treatment and going to meetings for 2 weeks now. I agreed to go to AA/NA meetings with him. I do drink some, but do not participate in smoking weed outside of him. I never got to go with him.
About a week ago, he found out i lied about something so small to me but a deal breaker in his eyes.
This lie he says, caused him to break up with me.
Im so heartbroken, how can I go through this with him and he do this to me?
I saw him hit his lowest point. Stayed during his lowest point. Was faithful and loyal during all of this!
I refuse to give up on him even though he has pushed me out.
I've decided if he's going to get clean it's best I'm not there as this is his own decision. He's faking his way through outpatient and is still using.
I've told him I'm not giving up on him even if he wants to throw me away.
I've looked into attending Al-anon and Nar-anon to help me.
My question is, do I let him know? Or will he automatically think I'm "holier than thou" and think I'm just doing it to try to get him back.
I don't think us being in a relationship is healthy but I want to show him I'm not giving up.
Any advice will help and I'll fill in any holes I may have left out.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Lizbabe22 
Any advice will help...
Originally Posted by Lizbabe22
I don't think us being in a relationship is healthy.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You can't love him to recovery and many, many people here have lost years of their lives trying.
He's doing you a huge favor in ending the relationship. Let it and him go and move on before you get even more entangled and more hurt.
He's doing you a huge favor in ending the relationship. Let it and him go and move on before you get even more entangled and more hurt.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
think for a moment of all you SAW going on in HIS life in that short five months.........drug use, erratic behavior, him pushing you away, DFCS taking his children AWAY from him.
and did losing his kids stop him? NO.
you owe this man nothing. it might be a good idea to examine your own behavior and how quickly you were willing to stand by him for LIFE. you barely know the guy. he's a drug addict. his life is a mess. you aren't GIVING UP on him, like you hold the last life ring and he's flailing in the middle of the ocean. he was using LONG before you came along, you just got to see about two bus stops worth of the journey.
and did losing his kids stop him? NO.
you owe this man nothing. it might be a good idea to examine your own behavior and how quickly you were willing to stand by him for LIFE. you barely know the guy. he's a drug addict. his life is a mess. you aren't GIVING UP on him, like you hold the last life ring and he's flailing in the middle of the ocean. he was using LONG before you came along, you just got to see about two bus stops worth of the journey.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Can I ask why you feel you have to be there to see him thru all of this mess? After all, he made it himself. Are you really willing to put your entire life on hold for a man you've known less than a year who happens to have a problem with one of the most addictive drugs on the planet? I'd be thankful he cut me loose and gave me a way out of his chaos.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Lizbabe. Welcome to SR. Lots of good support here.
Weed and meth. Wow!
Sorry to say that I agree with the other posters. Your SO is bad news, and it would only hurt you more were you to maintain contact.
Let him work on his recovery. I strongly recommend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. You will meet people there who have had similar experiences and will be a great source of experience, strength and hope.
Weed and meth. Wow!
Sorry to say that I agree with the other posters. Your SO is bad news, and it would only hurt you more were you to maintain contact.
Let him work on his recovery. I strongly recommend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. You will meet people there who have had similar experiences and will be a great source of experience, strength and hope.
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