Help needed with Addict & violent brother - should I press charges
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Please press charges.
And don't ever listen to anyone's mother about whether or not you should press charges.
I remember when I was sweating my mother-in-laws statements about me, and my lawyer told me no judge would ever allow them to be heard in court. Reason?
"If my mom were to find out I killed someone, do you know what she'd say? 'What did they do to deserve it'. That's how moms are."
And don't ever listen to anyone's mother about whether or not you should press charges.
I remember when I was sweating my mother-in-laws statements about me, and my lawyer told me no judge would ever allow them to be heard in court. Reason?
"If my mom were to find out I killed someone, do you know what she'd say? 'What did they do to deserve it'. That's how moms are."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Please press charges.
My cousin is a drug addict. He raped my sister when she was eleven, sent two of his younger siblings into foster care due to physical abuse, sent the mother of his child to the hospital because he beat her up so badly (this happened in another country too), and on and on. His own mother locks the door to her bedroom every night so he doesn't attack her.
They never pressed charges. The closest they ever got was when he sent his siblings to foster care - he was a juvenile then.
When his sister got married (she wisely banned him from the wedding), we all ended up looking over our shoulder praying that he wouldn't show up and hurt somebody, including the children at the reception.
He is obviously mentally unstable, but in the US they can't institutionalize him unless he does so voluntarily. Or unless he hurts somebody who is willing to press charges.
His parents loved him at the expense of others, including their other children, who are now extremely resentful. His parents were not psychiatrists. They were not physicians. And somehow they deluded themselves into believing that their love was enough to cure him, while others paid the price.
I would presume that your mother is not a psychiatrist/social worker/physician. She wouldn't have the professional skills needed to fully assess this case. And even if she was any of the above, she would have a moral obligation to recuse herself from your brother's case.
You do not cause a division in your family if you press charges. Your brother's behavior did that. His choice to self-medicate his condition did that. You are acting in the best interests of your children, as any mother should.
He's already acted up three times. How many strikes does he need before you call him out?
My cousin is a drug addict. He raped my sister when she was eleven, sent two of his younger siblings into foster care due to physical abuse, sent the mother of his child to the hospital because he beat her up so badly (this happened in another country too), and on and on. His own mother locks the door to her bedroom every night so he doesn't attack her.
They never pressed charges. The closest they ever got was when he sent his siblings to foster care - he was a juvenile then.
When his sister got married (she wisely banned him from the wedding), we all ended up looking over our shoulder praying that he wouldn't show up and hurt somebody, including the children at the reception.
He is obviously mentally unstable, but in the US they can't institutionalize him unless he does so voluntarily. Or unless he hurts somebody who is willing to press charges.
His parents loved him at the expense of others, including their other children, who are now extremely resentful. His parents were not psychiatrists. They were not physicians. And somehow they deluded themselves into believing that their love was enough to cure him, while others paid the price.
I would presume that your mother is not a psychiatrist/social worker/physician. She wouldn't have the professional skills needed to fully assess this case. And even if she was any of the above, she would have a moral obligation to recuse herself from your brother's case.
You do not cause a division in your family if you press charges. Your brother's behavior did that. His choice to self-medicate his condition did that. You are acting in the best interests of your children, as any mother should.
He's already acted up three times. How many strikes does he need before you call him out?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 3
Thanks all - Attempting to Press charges
Thanks to everyone that has continued to offer their support on this - especially puzzledheart whose testimony above was so moving and sad.
I have made the decision to go ahead and press charges. unfortunately however the local police department has said that as he was taken away as mentally incompetent (even though the county mental health center released him after 1 hour!) that they didn't even send this to the DA as a crime. I have asked them to reconsider and they are looking into doing this but they said the DA will struggle to prosecute now due to the mental health issues.
We are also filing for a restraining order in the morning as my brother keeps sending me messages trying to manipulate the situation and say that its all my fault.
This is all quite upsetting but at least I know that I have done all that I can to prevent this happening to me or anyone else...
I have made the decision to go ahead and press charges. unfortunately however the local police department has said that as he was taken away as mentally incompetent (even though the county mental health center released him after 1 hour!) that they didn't even send this to the DA as a crime. I have asked them to reconsider and they are looking into doing this but they said the DA will struggle to prosecute now due to the mental health issues.
We are also filing for a restraining order in the morning as my brother keeps sending me messages trying to manipulate the situation and say that its all my fault.
This is all quite upsetting but at least I know that I have done all that I can to prevent this happening to me or anyone else...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
First, I am glad you, your son, and your unborn baby are okay. That sounds very scary.
I am glad you contacted the police, and are getting a restraining order. I do t understand why you can't press charges, they could still find him mentally unstable.
Sending some love your way.
I am glad you contacted the police, and are getting a restraining order. I do t understand why you can't press charges, they could still find him mentally unstable.
Sending some love your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
needhelpNW6: I am hoping your brother will accept the help to start the path to recovery. 
Wishing you and your family strength, safety, and healing in the days ahead.
Remember to take care of you, as well.
Wishing you and your family strength, safety, and healing in the days ahead.
Remember to take care of you, as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Unmedicated Bipolar disorder is a nightmare waiting to happen.
Question, why would you send him to a rehab that is not a dual diagnosis facility? Anyone with bipolar HAS TO HAVE MEDS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. A regular rehab may not recognize that. It is very, very common for them to go off the rails, and addiction is a very common side affect. I agree that you may not want a rehab that close to your home, that is asking for trouble.
That being said, they do still know right from wrong. Myself, I would press charges and try to get the prosecutor to rule him into a rehab that is a dual diagnosis facility. Go speak to the prosecutor before you press charges if you want to and see what they are open to. That way he is court ordered to be there, or he goes to jail. That's what I would work for myself.
Just my two cents for what it's worth. Hugs to you.
Question, why would you send him to a rehab that is not a dual diagnosis facility? Anyone with bipolar HAS TO HAVE MEDS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. A regular rehab may not recognize that. It is very, very common for them to go off the rails, and addiction is a very common side affect. I agree that you may not want a rehab that close to your home, that is asking for trouble.
That being said, they do still know right from wrong. Myself, I would press charges and try to get the prosecutor to rule him into a rehab that is a dual diagnosis facility. Go speak to the prosecutor before you press charges if you want to and see what they are open to. That way he is court ordered to be there, or he goes to jail. That's what I would work for myself.
Just my two cents for what it's worth. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 150
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Unmedicated Bipolar disorder is a nightmare waiting to happen.
Question, why would you send him to a rehab that is not a dual diagnosis facility? Anyone with bipolar HAS TO HAVE MEDS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. A regular rehab may not recognize that. It is very, very common for them to go off the rails, and addiction is a very common side affect. I agree that you may not want a rehab that close to your home, that is asking for trouble
.
Question, why would you send him to a rehab that is not a dual diagnosis facility? Anyone with bipolar HAS TO HAVE MEDS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. A regular rehab may not recognize that. It is very, very common for them to go off the rails, and addiction is a very common side affect. I agree that you may not want a rehab that close to your home, that is asking for trouble
.
unfortunately , despite best intentions and suggestions once charging where they end up is up to the courts. Prisons have 'mental health' wards but the 'system' being what it is doesn't always guarantee the 'patient' will get the help they need 😢
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Addiction is in a huge problem for most DA's. Many of them are open to hearing that families will step in and assist, so I think it's a good idea to speak to the prosecutor in advance and see if it's possible for them to rule to a dual diagnosis facility. If you have one in mind (research), they may be more receptive. Thus if the program is not finished in it's entirety, basically handing them back over to the courts.
That is just my thought process and one I would try for.
That is just my thought process and one I would try for.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
What a mess.
The system is so broken. My brother has fallen through those same cracks(more like canyons) in the mental health/addiction/legal/penal system. Can it even be called a system when it so obviously does NOT work?! Our sick people, our selves , our families and our entire society is at risk because of this and it is infuriating and heartbreaking.
I'm sorry your brother continues to try and manipulate you. Hold strong, you know none of this is your fault and it's all on him. Mental illness or not. If you are not willing or wanting to block his phone number/social media, make sure you keep all communication in case you need it as evidence.
I hope he gets the help he needs before he hurts or scares anyone else.
Stay safe. Hold your babies close. Don't let your brother or mother guilt you just because they don't want to face the facts.
Wishing you peace and clarity while this situation plays out.
The system is so broken. My brother has fallen through those same cracks(more like canyons) in the mental health/addiction/legal/penal system. Can it even be called a system when it so obviously does NOT work?! Our sick people, our selves , our families and our entire society is at risk because of this and it is infuriating and heartbreaking.
I'm sorry your brother continues to try and manipulate you. Hold strong, you know none of this is your fault and it's all on him. Mental illness or not. If you are not willing or wanting to block his phone number/social media, make sure you keep all communication in case you need it as evidence.
I hope he gets the help he needs before he hurts or scares anyone else.
Stay safe. Hold your babies close. Don't let your brother or mother guilt you just because they don't want to face the facts.
Wishing you peace and clarity while this situation plays out.
Now what?
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by needhelpNW6
We are also filing for a restraining order in the morning
EntertheSticks
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
This isnt really a question OP and I wont sugar coat it. Press charges, push for the max, testify, whatever and break all contact with him in the future and write him off for good. Easier said than done... i know (and have had to do that with my own mother). This is all you needed to write:
I want to go through the logic here..... who cares where he hit you... so he was doped up and didnt hit you as hard as he could have? You are a pregnant woman.... and he attacked you. Press charges.
and if your mom has any issue with you doing so... show her this "you are more worried about protecting an addict from themself than a pregnant woman from their harm".
He then kicked me, luckily hitting me in the hip rather than my baby bump
and if your mom has any issue with you doing so... show her this "you are more worried about protecting an addict from themself than a pregnant woman from their harm".
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