Feeling helpless- No Fight Left
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Feeling helpless- No Fight Left
I am new to this forum, but like most people, not to addiction. I have an adult 23yo stepson who is also a paraplegic. He was injured when he was 16 but now can function independently, also drives. If we thought that was the major problem, I was wrong. About 4 years ago he started abusing his prescribed meds, used pot, opiates off the streets, then heroin. Drugs were used, sold, and brought to our house, which we still were raising 3 daughters (2 of my own from pm) and my wife (mom) was the enabler. We were brought to the edge of divorce multiple times over the drug use and enabling until she finally made him move out to his fathers ( only lasted a short time) then he was back. To make this short and to the point, he has been to 6 rehabs around the country in the past 14 months only to be kicked out of 4 and never completed any programs. My wife knows that I won't continue to live in the home while he is there. He does have some ADA requirements due to wheel chair access. Mom is firm while he is away, but he recently was discharged from latest one and is now back.
Mom (wife) is so readily to believe what he says, but tells me the complete opposite, which I feel is to keep me happy. She tells him there will be rules, but they are not enforced or followed. She has let him stay at our house for 3 days since getting back making excuses for him on why he is here. I feel detached from both of them ( have for awhile) and feel that she wants her cake and eat it to. I feel that my only peace of mind,heart,and health will be to leave the situation as the patterns of behavior are constantly repeating. After being out of the house for the past 14 months, the past 3 days have made me feel the same as it did back then.
He has not changed behaviorally, has used drugs while in all rehabs, smuggled them into every rehab and I am supposed to just believe he has changed. I apologize that this is scattered, just needed to start venting and hoping for some words of wisdom.
NO FIGHT LEFT
Mom (wife) is so readily to believe what he says, but tells me the complete opposite, which I feel is to keep me happy. She tells him there will be rules, but they are not enforced or followed. She has let him stay at our house for 3 days since getting back making excuses for him on why he is here. I feel detached from both of them ( have for awhile) and feel that she wants her cake and eat it to. I feel that my only peace of mind,heart,and health will be to leave the situation as the patterns of behavior are constantly repeating. After being out of the house for the past 14 months, the past 3 days have made me feel the same as it did back then.
He has not changed behaviorally, has used drugs while in all rehabs, smuggled them into every rehab and I am supposed to just believe he has changed. I apologize that this is scattered, just needed to start venting and hoping for some words of wisdom.
NO FIGHT LEFT
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome, and keep posting. I think I would have to call it a day, too.
Sorry you find yourself with this decision.
Keep venting. We get it, you'll find lots of support here. You are right to want this to end, one way or the other. You see what you see and you know what you know. I think the worst part is doubting ourselves in these things after so many "chances."
Sorry you find yourself with this decision.
Keep venting. We get it, you'll find lots of support here. You are right to want this to end, one way or the other. You see what you see and you know what you know. I think the worst part is doubting ourselves in these things after so many "chances."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I recently saw an episode of Dr. Phil where the mom was enabling her daughter's drug use. Dr. Phil said to her "you are more worried about your own feelings then about killing your daughter by your enabling". It was harsh but needed to be said to her to get her to understand that SHE was the one in need of help. It was easy to identify the help needed by the drug addict it was much harder for the mom to see and ultimately accept the help she needed.
You are fighting 2 people who need help and one you already know by his constant relapses, doesn't want it. And I'm guessing that your wife has never gotten help for herself with her sons addiction. We can't help people who don't want it or feel they need it.
Your wife and her son have a codependent relationship that's been cultivated for a long time now. Since it has not changed, that means it must be working for them, as dysfunctional as it may be its what they know and do.
No one has to live in this kind of dysfunction and leaving may be the only way for you to save you. They have made their own choices and continue to keep making the same choices. Without some outside intervention for your wife, then the opportunity for her to actually use and stick to new ways to cope with her sons addiction may take a very long time, if it ever happens.
I think by the time most of us come here to SR with similar situations we've pretty much have made up our mind to leave but try one last ditch effort or hope that others will understand and tell us it is ok to leave. And yes it is ok for you to leave this growing dysfunctional situation.
I hope you stick around, read all the stickies and similar stories, you are not alone. You are among others who fully understand.
You are fighting 2 people who need help and one you already know by his constant relapses, doesn't want it. And I'm guessing that your wife has never gotten help for herself with her sons addiction. We can't help people who don't want it or feel they need it.
Your wife and her son have a codependent relationship that's been cultivated for a long time now. Since it has not changed, that means it must be working for them, as dysfunctional as it may be its what they know and do.
No one has to live in this kind of dysfunction and leaving may be the only way for you to save you. They have made their own choices and continue to keep making the same choices. Without some outside intervention for your wife, then the opportunity for her to actually use and stick to new ways to cope with her sons addiction may take a very long time, if it ever happens.
I think by the time most of us come here to SR with similar situations we've pretty much have made up our mind to leave but try one last ditch effort or hope that others will understand and tell us it is ok to leave. And yes it is ok for you to leave this growing dysfunctional situation.
I hope you stick around, read all the stickies and similar stories, you are not alone. You are among others who fully understand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you for taking the time to respond. My wife also had a gambling problem in the midst of this, which I was lied to repeatedly, then blamed for the gambling. I stated at that time I could not continue with the issues of 2 addicts and she did get into a 6 week IOP. This helped, for awhile, just still find her making excuses for her son and me trusting her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Trust when broken is very hard to get back. It's her actions not her words that matter the most.
Addiction is addiction, drinking,drugs, gambling.........and 6 weeks and done isn't anything. I'd be very cautious with money.
Addiction is addiction, drinking,drugs, gambling.........and 6 weeks and done isn't anything. I'd be very cautious with money.
Now what?
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by csmith338 
I feel that my only peace of mind,heart,and health will be to leave the situation as the patterns of behavior are constantly repeating.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Seems like your best option is to leave or else endure this agonizing situation. Sorry you are going through this. I am also going through my own hell with my addicted husband. It can be hard to leave but I think we all know deep down it is best.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too am the mother of an adult son who has been addicted to drugs for close to 20 years now, missing and lost in his addiction somewhere for the past 10 years.
I almost lost my life, trying to save his. Finally, I reached out for help for myself and found my own meetings and SR, and began to reclaim my life and find my balance again. I came to accept that nothing I did or did not do could save him, he alone could do that and only when he was ready. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
You are living in a home of double addiction, gambling and drugs, and if your wife and her son are not willing to embrace a good recovery program or counseling, then I would leave too. I don't know if your daughters are still with you, but if so they need a father too and are surely affected by all this.
It's hard to stay and it's hard to leave. One has to choose which pain to endure.
My prayers go out for you and your family.
Hugs
I almost lost my life, trying to save his. Finally, I reached out for help for myself and found my own meetings and SR, and began to reclaim my life and find my balance again. I came to accept that nothing I did or did not do could save him, he alone could do that and only when he was ready. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
You are living in a home of double addiction, gambling and drugs, and if your wife and her son are not willing to embrace a good recovery program or counseling, then I would leave too. I don't know if your daughters are still with you, but if so they need a father too and are surely affected by all this.
It's hard to stay and it's hard to leave. One has to choose which pain to endure.
My prayers go out for you and your family.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
I agree it is the acceptance of one difficult decision over another and neither is easy. I have realized that at least with leaving the situation there is some light and clarity at the end. Where staying, there is always that uncertainty and waiting on the next episode. Good luck to all searching for advice and guidance in all your situations. God bless
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here. It's a tough situation you find yourself in. Here's my two cents, for whatever it is worth.
There is no evidence that your stepson wants to take responsibility for himself and seek recovery. There is also no evidence that your wife -- his mother -- wants to become part of the solution. Instead, she's opting to enable him. Based on these two truths, I would like to remind you that you don't need permission to do what is necessary to save yourself and your sanity. And sometimes taking action to save ourselves and our sanity means doing things we don't necessarily want to do...but we have to.
In other words, don't eff around. Believe what your eyes are telling you, and respond accordingly.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
There is no evidence that your stepson wants to take responsibility for himself and seek recovery. There is also no evidence that your wife -- his mother -- wants to become part of the solution. Instead, she's opting to enable him. Based on these two truths, I would like to remind you that you don't need permission to do what is necessary to save yourself and your sanity. And sometimes taking action to save ourselves and our sanity means doing things we don't necessarily want to do...but we have to.
In other words, don't eff around. Believe what your eyes are telling you, and respond accordingly.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
I find myself wondering if the W even takes me serious about not be able to stay in the same house with him. I have been sick all weekend, even though he wasn't there every day and she asks if I am on a "food strike" because i can"t eat. The psychological effects the years with them has caused me is crazy. I know that I can't live in the past and worry about what might happen, I have just not seen any difference now than before the 6 rehab stints and.
Thank you for the responses and good luck to all
Thank you for the responses and good luck to all
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
csmith,
You are in a tough situation. Sadly, I myself could have been your wife. I enabled my AS for far too long. I also lived in a home filled with addiction as my husband is an alcoholic. He sought sobriety and I hit my co-dependent "bottom" at the same time. My AS is no longer living in my home but it took me finally seeing how much damage it did to my daughter to take this stand. Please do all you can to protect your daughters. Addiction is truly a family disease and is so very harmful. I sooo wish I could go back and undo the damage. My son has been out for almost two years now and guess what? He's doing it all without me. Have you ever attended Al-Anon? I highly recommend it! It has been a lifesaver for me. Please keep coming back and reading.
Jaeger
You are in a tough situation. Sadly, I myself could have been your wife. I enabled my AS for far too long. I also lived in a home filled with addiction as my husband is an alcoholic. He sought sobriety and I hit my co-dependent "bottom" at the same time. My AS is no longer living in my home but it took me finally seeing how much damage it did to my daughter to take this stand. Please do all you can to protect your daughters. Addiction is truly a family disease and is so very harmful. I sooo wish I could go back and undo the damage. My son has been out for almost two years now and guess what? He's doing it all without me. Have you ever attended Al-Anon? I highly recommend it! It has been a lifesaver for me. Please keep coming back and reading.
Jaeger
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by csmith338
I find myself wondering if the W even takes me serious about not be able to stay in the same house with him. I have been sick all weekend, even though he wasn't there every day and she asks if I am on a "food strike" because i can"t eat. The psychological effects the years with them has caused me is crazy. I know that I can't live in the past and worry about what might happen, I have just not seen any difference now than before the 6 rehab stints and.
Thank you for the responses and good luck to all
Thank you for the responses and good luck to all
In situations such as yours, we have to make decisions based on what we know to be true, not what we hope could or will happen. And, yes, that carries a price. But as you've noted, you've already paid a price.
Sometimes one price is better to pay than another.
EntertheSticks
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
Hey friend... it sounds like you gave yourself the best advice but I will "rephrase it" so to speak.
It sounds like you have 2 decisions... remove yourself from the situation and have possible happiness... or continue to put yourself in this situation... and have possible happiness. From the small glimpse you have given.... I would be willing to bet option 1 is more likely to give you a fulfilling life.
Taking on the kid is enough... taking on the kid and a gambling addict? Thats enough to drive anyone off the deep end. As hard as it is to say... I would move on and try to put the pieces back together. If you wait you may come to the same conclusion 5 years from now.... after the money has been gambled away.
It sounds like you have 2 decisions... remove yourself from the situation and have possible happiness... or continue to put yourself in this situation... and have possible happiness. From the small glimpse you have given.... I would be willing to bet option 1 is more likely to give you a fulfilling life.
Taking on the kid is enough... taking on the kid and a gambling addict? Thats enough to drive anyone off the deep end. As hard as it is to say... I would move on and try to put the pieces back together. If you wait you may come to the same conclusion 5 years from now.... after the money has been gambled away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
life sucks
Just wanted to update my saga. Last night the W asked again if it was ok for SS to spend the night. Well, one night usually turns into more. I again told her how it made me feel with him in the house, and in general, just being back and having some control over our lives. Well of course it turned into an argument and she is trying to convenience that he has changed and is a different person now. Mind you he has been to six rehabs in 14 months in 5 states. Kicked out of 4 and never completed any programs used in rehab and when he just got out he binged on what money he had. He is on suboxone, which he has abused and used on, and I am to believe that everything is different this time. I basically had to tell her that I can no longer function within this constant storm of addiction. I of course was accused of having an affair ( 100% not true) and this was just my excuse for wanting a divorce. It kinda of proved my suspicion that she truly doesn't think I should have any negative effects towards this situation and should just continue to agree with her and ride the wave. This is TOUGH, addiction is truly a family killer
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry, csmith. It sounds like your wife is deep in denial about the severity of her son's situation, as well as her own. You have every right to protect yourself, and I hope you will find a way to do so.
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