Ugh, now what?!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Ugh, now what?!
Just an update on my never ending divorce...it's hard to believe but it has almost been a year since I took the kids and I out of the house. Since I left I asked my ex if he would submit to a hair follicle test to prove to me and his kids that he was sober. He has fought tooth and nail not to take this test and claimed for almost an entire year that his hair wasn't long enough...all the while he was cutting it. Well now almost a year later he has submitted the results of a negative hair follicle test. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this...I thought for sure he was still using as he behavior just keeps getting stranger. The next step is to go in front of the judge to decide how to go forward. I'm still incredibly apprehensive about him having the kids unsupervised and the thought of overnights shakes me to the core. It also is so frustrating to me that now a year later he is possibly clean and may be given unsupervised time with his kids. The kids have been thriving and seem so happy with their current living situation. So now that HE decides to possibly get his life in order he gets to take the kids?! It just seems so unfair! I know he has rights as a father but why do we have to now change our lives because he's decided to shape up. He has already put us through so much. I am so doubtful about these results and I keep wondering if he has altered them in any way or used any shampoos etc to pass it...I'm not even sure if that's possible. It's eating me up thinking that there is a chance that he may always get away with using and possibly having the kids while under the influence. I will continue to fight for the strictest safety measures possible and I pray the judge agrees. I guess there has to come a point where you have to let go. I just don't ever want to. Help! I need advice from others, especially moms that have had to go through this. On a side note...I can't believe it's been almost a year since I have found this site. I read it religiously almost every day and have found so much strength from reading others stories. Thank you SR!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
Your situation sounds frustrating. I hope you can get good guidance with the divorce proceedings. I posted earlier about a hair follicle test. My son is hospitalized after an overdose. One of the addiction Drs suggested we get a hair follicle test because it would show a lot about his drug use. I don't know if there are different varieties of this test? We were told it could go back almost a year, show type of drugs and also pointed to severity of use during certain time frames. My daughter in law had to authorize the testing because our son was under sedation at the time.
One comment the Dr made was that the tests are effective and there is a myth shampoos will erase signs of drugs but he said no. But if your husband kept delaying the test, my guess would be he wanted to have as much time pass as possible when he was not using. I had never heard of this test. Good for you asking for one, very wise.
One comment the Dr made was that the tests are effective and there is a myth shampoos will erase signs of drugs but he said no. But if your husband kept delaying the test, my guess would be he wanted to have as much time pass as possible when he was not using. I had never heard of this test. Good for you asking for one, very wise.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
No advice, I'm right there with you. It really sucks. My ex takes our kids to the casino all the time. They stay in the hotel and he *never* leaves their sides (at least that's what they think, I'm sure when their asleep he goes down and gambles). This is so NOT how I want my kids to be raised- in some casino hotel room being "supervised" by his druggie friends while the ex blows through his money and then tells me he can't pay full support and I'm so terrified to head back to court after all the trauma he put me through last time that I just suck it up. OMG this system could not be more messed up. It shouldn't be about "parental rights", it should be about what's good for the child. He doesn't even brush their teeth on most visits and when I came down on him for that he started making them all share his toothbrush because he never knows where the eff he'll be staying the night- at his demented girlfriends, the casino, one of his loser friend's... ugggh this could not be more upsetting. I'm looking into getting my kids into counseling, but I'm going to have to get his consent for that and that oughtta be interesting. I keep waiting for the right moment to approach him about it and going over in my mind how I can broach the subject without making him feel like I'm trying to get dirt on him, but the fact is these kids need an advocate. They need someone who will report this crap that I keep being told is nothing coming from me, a "bitter" ex-wife. There is no justice for children of addicts. The courts see it as our faults for procreating with these men. Well, let me tell you, this is not the man I married! I have no idea who this fool is, but he does not deserve to breathe the same air as my children.
All that to say I'm so, so sorry.
All that to say I'm so, so sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Brownstone 
Your situation sounds frustrating. I hope you can get good guidance with the divorce proceedings. I posted earlier about a hair follicle test. My son is hospitalized after an overdose. One of the addiction Drs suggested we get a hair follicle test because it would show a lot about his drug use. I don't know if there are different varieties of this test? We were told it could go back almost a year, show type of drugs and also pointed to severity of use during certain time frames. My daughter in law had to authorize the testing because our son was under sedation at the time.
One comment the Dr made was that the tests are effective and there is a myth shampoos will erase signs of drugs but he said no. But if your husband kept delaying the test, my guess would be he wanted to have as much time pass as possible when he was not using. I had never heard of this test. Good for you asking for one, very wise.
One comment the Dr made was that the tests are effective and there is a myth shampoos will erase signs of drugs but he said no. But if your husband kept delaying the test, my guess would be he wanted to have as much time pass as possible when he was not using. I had never heard of this test. Good for you asking for one, very wise.
I have read that for the most part you can't cheat the hair follicle test. I guess I have to try and accept that he is possibly clean. We have been through war the last year and I can't seem to see how we will ever be able to co parent and put things aside for the kids. I used to look at other couples that were going through a heated divorce and wonder why they couldn't just put their feelings aside and act amicable for the kids. Now I know why and I don't know how I am going to do this.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
No advice, I'm right there with you. It really sucks. My ex takes our kids to the casino all the time. They stay in the hotel and he *never* leaves their sides (at least that's what they think, I'm sure when their asleep he goes down and gambles). This is so NOT how I want my kids to be raised- in some casino hotel room being "supervised" by his druggie friends while the ex blows through his money and then tells me he can't pay full support and I'm so terrified to head back to court after all the trauma he put me through last time that I just suck it up. OMG this system could not be more messed up. It shouldn't be about "parental rights", it should be about what's good for the child. He doesn't even brush their teeth on most visits and when I came down on him for that he started making them all share his toothbrush because he never knows where the eff he'll be staying the night- at his demented girlfriends, the casino, one of his loser friend's... ugggh this could not be more upsetting. I'm looking into getting my kids into counseling, but I'm going to have to get his consent for that and that oughtta be interesting. I keep waiting for the right moment to approach him about it and going over in my mind how I can broach the subject without making him feel like I'm trying to get dirt on him, but the fact is these kids need an advocate. They need someone who will report this crap that I keep being told is nothing coming from me, a "bitter" ex-wife. There is no justice for children of addicts. The courts see it as our faults for procreating with these men. Well, let me tell you, this is not the man I married! I have no idea who this fool is, but he does not deserve to breathe the same air as my children.
All that to say I'm so, so sorry.
All that to say I'm so, so sorry.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He has fought tooth and nail not to take this test and claimed for almost an entire year that his hair wasn't long enough...all the while he was cutting it. Well now almost a year later he has submitted the results of a negative hair follicle test. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this...I thought for sure he was still using as he behavior just keeps getting stranger.
Forgive my skepticism but active addicts fake tests all the time and if his behaviour hasn't changed, or nothing else has changed, then I would have a hard time believing that this isn't a fake test or a test taken using someone else's hair.
I pray I am wrong. I pray he is clean and stays clean and that everyone gets to live happily ever after.
But my spidy sense, like yours, is telling me something may not be right with all this. Check it out if you can, if you cannot then discard it as it's not "proof" until it is proven to be his hair.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Ann and I had the same thought...if it's the right color, hair is...hair, at least to the naked eye.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Get your kids in counseling and feign surprise if he objects, "Gee, I was sure you'd be okay with it. I know we both want the best for them."
If you ask for permission, he'll hold that hostage forevermore and your kids won't get the help they need.
Sending you a hug.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Get your kids in counseling and feign surprise if he objects, "Gee, I was sure you'd be okay with it. I know we both want the best for them."
If you ask for permission, he'll hold that hostage forevermore and your kids won't get the help they need.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I am just so sorry you are going through this. I admit that I would have many concerns and fears as well!
I was curious about the hair drug test because I have never really read up on it....so I did.
When someone is asked to have a hair follicle drug test, that person presents themselves at the lab, and a technician collects the hair. The lab will not just take a baggie of hair brought in by someone.
Hair grows at approximately 1/2 inch each month, so once a hair is collected, the tech is supposed to use the 1.5 inches closest to the root. This will provide some indication as to the past 90 days of drug use. It is important that the technician use the portion right next to the root or else drugs that someone took years ago might result in a positive.
The drug panel tested includes not only primary drugs that the person may have used, but the metabolytes of those drugs. That way, a false positive for being around someone else's smoking (cigarettes or MJ) is eliminated. Plus, a lab is supposed to wash the hair prior to testing to eliminate second-hand contamination.
There are no shampoos or hair dyes that can affect the outcome of this test, so no amount of hair washing can help.
So the only thing that this test can really say is that for the past 90 days, your ex has been drug free...
I was curious about the hair drug test because I have never really read up on it....so I did.
When someone is asked to have a hair follicle drug test, that person presents themselves at the lab, and a technician collects the hair. The lab will not just take a baggie of hair brought in by someone.
Hair grows at approximately 1/2 inch each month, so once a hair is collected, the tech is supposed to use the 1.5 inches closest to the root. This will provide some indication as to the past 90 days of drug use. It is important that the technician use the portion right next to the root or else drugs that someone took years ago might result in a positive.
The drug panel tested includes not only primary drugs that the person may have used, but the metabolytes of those drugs. That way, a false positive for being around someone else's smoking (cigarettes or MJ) is eliminated. Plus, a lab is supposed to wash the hair prior to testing to eliminate second-hand contamination.
There are no shampoos or hair dyes that can affect the outcome of this test, so no amount of hair washing can help.
So the only thing that this test can really say is that for the past 90 days, your ex has been drug free...
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Ann
Can you ascertain that the test was indeed his hair? Submitted the results from where?
Forgive my skepticism but active addicts fake tests all the time and if his behaviour hasn't changed, or nothing else has changed, then I would have a hard time believing that this isn't a fake test or a test taken using someone else's hair.
I pray I am wrong. I pray he is clean and stays clean and that everyone gets to live happily ever after.
But my spidy sense, like yours, is telling me something may not be right with all this. Check it out if you can, if you cannot then discard it as it's not "proof" until it is proven to be his hair.
Hugs
Forgive my skepticism but active addicts fake tests all the time and if his behaviour hasn't changed, or nothing else has changed, then I would have a hard time believing that this isn't a fake test or a test taken using someone else's hair.
I pray I am wrong. I pray he is clean and stays clean and that everyone gets to live happily ever after.
But my spidy sense, like yours, is telling me something may not be right with all this. Check it out if you can, if you cannot then discard it as it's not "proof" until it is proven to be his hair.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My X mixes RX drugs w/ alcohol. You are right, it is grueling. I have had the same thought process as you, many times.
Breathe. It truly is one day at a time. You do all you can do, then you turn it over to God.
Tight hugs.
Breathe. It truly is one day at a time. You do all you can do, then you turn it over to God.
Tight hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by hopeful4
My X mixes RX drugs w/ alcohol. You are right, it is grueling. I have had the same thought process as you, many times.
Breathe. It truly is one day at a time. You do all you can do, then you turn it over to God.
Tight hugs.
Breathe. It truly is one day at a time. You do all you can do, then you turn it over to God.
Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
I have the same issue.
I was never married to my ex addict, so things are a little different. In my state I have automatic sole legal and physical custody, until he takes me to court to contest that. He can't hold down a job for more than a few months, so I doubt he will do this, although he told me that his family member attorney said she'd represent him in court for a mere 600$ compared to my, likely 2,500$. Unfair. But, I found a lawyer to talk to with a free consultation, explained the situation, and we set up a parenting time contract for 250$. I, somehow, got him to sign it, and things haven't been too bad. His grandma supervises the visits every week for now. I am concerned about when the increase happens and he gets him unsupervised. I feel scared that he will relapse and keep it a secret for a very long time like he did with me, until stuff just starts suddenly collapsing around him. Meaning danger for my son. One day at a time, though, right?
It is so hard on me, both because I don't trust that he will stay clean, and because I had gotten over him and felt so good with him gone those 2 and a half years and now he's back and treating me like crap again. He is so argumentative and mad about everything I do or say. If I don't respond to a text within 5 minutes he freaks out on me. I feel like he hates my guts and is angry anytime I have to be around because he is my son as well. That hurts because I never did anything to him, I let him walk all over me, I gave him money for rehab, I drove him, I was there for him until it was killing me. Why do I deserve to be hated and treated so poorly for being the one that picked up the pieces, took responsibility, put my child first, and even kept my son in contact with HIS FAMILY when he refused to be there. Sometimes I just want to disappear :/
I was never married to my ex addict, so things are a little different. In my state I have automatic sole legal and physical custody, until he takes me to court to contest that. He can't hold down a job for more than a few months, so I doubt he will do this, although he told me that his family member attorney said she'd represent him in court for a mere 600$ compared to my, likely 2,500$. Unfair. But, I found a lawyer to talk to with a free consultation, explained the situation, and we set up a parenting time contract for 250$. I, somehow, got him to sign it, and things haven't been too bad. His grandma supervises the visits every week for now. I am concerned about when the increase happens and he gets him unsupervised. I feel scared that he will relapse and keep it a secret for a very long time like he did with me, until stuff just starts suddenly collapsing around him. Meaning danger for my son. One day at a time, though, right?
It is so hard on me, both because I don't trust that he will stay clean, and because I had gotten over him and felt so good with him gone those 2 and a half years and now he's back and treating me like crap again. He is so argumentative and mad about everything I do or say. If I don't respond to a text within 5 minutes he freaks out on me. I feel like he hates my guts and is angry anytime I have to be around because he is my son as well. That hurts because I never did anything to him, I let him walk all over me, I gave him money for rehab, I drove him, I was there for him until it was killing me. Why do I deserve to be hated and treated so poorly for being the one that picked up the pieces, took responsibility, put my child first, and even kept my son in contact with HIS FAMILY when he refused to be there. Sometimes I just want to disappear :/
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by solicitude
I have the same issue.
I was never married to my ex addict, so things are a little different. In my state I have automatic sole legal and physical custody, until he takes me to court to contest that. He can't hold down a job for more than a few months, so I doubt he will do this, although he told me that his family member attorney said she'd represent him in court for a mere 600$ compared to my, likely 2,500$. Unfair. But, I found a lawyer to talk to with a free consultation, explained the situation, and we set up a parenting time contract for 250$. I, somehow, got him to sign it, and things haven't been too bad. His grandma supervises the visits every week for now. I am concerned about when the increase happens and he gets him unsupervised. I feel scared that he will relapse and keep it a secret for a very long time like he did with me, until stuff just starts suddenly collapsing around him. Meaning danger for my son. One day at a time, though, right?
It is so hard on me, both because I don't trust that he will stay clean, and because I had gotten over him and felt so good with him gone those 2 and a half years and now he's back and treating me like crap again. He is so argumentative and mad about everything I do or say. If I don't respond to a text within 5 minutes he freaks out on me. I feel like he hates my guts and is angry anytime I have to be around because he is my son as well. That hurts because I never did anything to him, I let him walk all over me, I gave him money for rehab, I drove him, I was there for him until it was killing me. Why do I deserve to be hated and treated so poorly for being the one that picked up the pieces, took responsibility, put my child first, and even kept my son in contact with HIS FAMILY when he refused to be there. Sometimes I just want to disappear :/
I was never married to my ex addict, so things are a little different. In my state I have automatic sole legal and physical custody, until he takes me to court to contest that. He can't hold down a job for more than a few months, so I doubt he will do this, although he told me that his family member attorney said she'd represent him in court for a mere 600$ compared to my, likely 2,500$. Unfair. But, I found a lawyer to talk to with a free consultation, explained the situation, and we set up a parenting time contract for 250$. I, somehow, got him to sign it, and things haven't been too bad. His grandma supervises the visits every week for now. I am concerned about when the increase happens and he gets him unsupervised. I feel scared that he will relapse and keep it a secret for a very long time like he did with me, until stuff just starts suddenly collapsing around him. Meaning danger for my son. One day at a time, though, right?
It is so hard on me, both because I don't trust that he will stay clean, and because I had gotten over him and felt so good with him gone those 2 and a half years and now he's back and treating me like crap again. He is so argumentative and mad about everything I do or say. If I don't respond to a text within 5 minutes he freaks out on me. I feel like he hates my guts and is angry anytime I have to be around because he is my son as well. That hurts because I never did anything to him, I let him walk all over me, I gave him money for rehab, I drove him, I was there for him until it was killing me. Why do I deserve to be hated and treated so poorly for being the one that picked up the pieces, took responsibility, put my child first, and even kept my son in contact with HIS FAMILY when he refused to be there. Sometimes I just want to disappear :/
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