peaches78

I don't know where to start and this Might be a lengthy post so I apologize. My brother has been a heroin addict for about 15 years and has been in and out of prison for most of those years. My mother and father are divorced and they had had to deal with most if not all of his how do I say shenanigans and I really never had to. Until of recent, my father passed away two months ago and that was the only friend that my brother had we'll just said to say. My father left no legal documents so my brother and I are left to deal with his estate on her own. The day before we buried my father my brother took his truck for more than 24 hours without a license and without the truck being inspected or currently registered. He of course used and made it home in time for the funeral and I didn't press charges because I know my father wouldn't have wanted me to do that. The day after we buried my father, He checked into a short term rehab for 3 weeks and then sent to a 3/4 house because he was on suboxin (sp?). Once he was there of course he didn't want to be there because he thought it was a crappy place and he said that he can no longer be there and supposedly left on his own account. However we found out that he got kicked out because three days after being there he used again and was sent to the local hospital because he used. So for the past 4 weeks he has been lying and saying that he has been trying to get into other rehabs while staying at hotels up until last Week. You see, before he checked into rehab, he had signed his rights over to me to be Administrator of my father's estate. I have been fair in all the legal issues thus far. I even gave him a port

atalose

Welcome peaches78, I am very sorry about your dad passing. And I am very sorry that now you feel you have to step in where your dad left off when it comes to your addict brother.

In al-anon years ago I heard this expression……….when we know better we do better. And what we do know today is that enabling addicts certainly does not help them actually it helps feed their addiction. For me to give an addict money I’d be putting that needle into their arm. For me to NOT hold an addict accountable for stealing, I’d be guilty of their next crime.
Lying, manipulation all are part of addict behaviors. It was very a good thing that he signed rights over for you to be administrator of your father’s estate.

Please be extremely careful of any manipulation he might to gain money or assets that he could sell for drugs.

Any rehabs he claims he wants to go to and needs money for and you are willing, make sure you pay the rehab directly and again use extreme caution with that as his history with rehabs has not been good.

peaches78

Thank you, he just took my father's truck again. I was able to recover it after two days and pressed charges. He called today begging for me to drop the charges against him so that he could get to a better rehab that he said he was accepted to. I am torn, but sticking to my gut and not dropping them. He was given a sustainable amount of money 5 weeks ago and it is gone.

AnvilheadII

trying to find a "better" rehab is like getting picky about the color of your life preserver. ewwwwwww, not BLUE!

losing his father hasn't slowed him down one bit. except now he has access to a vehicle and money. baaaaaaaad combo for a dope fiend!

don't drop the charges. stay firm.

welcome to SR.

SmallButMighty

I am sorry for the loss of your father. And I'm sorry your brother causes you so much stress. Families can be so messy.

Hang in there Peaches, you already know he will beg, plead, lie and manipulate to get more dope. He is not serious about getting healthy. Keep trusting your gut and doing the right thing. Not making it easy for him financially and by making him face the consequences of his bad behavior you are probably doing the two best things you can do for him. And for yourself and your sanity.

Hugs to you. I also have a difficult brother, I know it sucks.

atalose

Please listen to your gut and do not drop the charges. Allow the court to get him into a rehab if he qualifies other wise let him sit in a cage on a cot where he's not putting the poison into his body.

FeelingGreat

Awful that he's doing this when you and your mother have so much to cope with emotionally. I hope you've disabled the truck now?
It seems obvious he'll keep going until you call a stop to it, and by pressing charges you have. But you don't need this do you?

peaches78

I feel that I do. He cannot just think that he can get away with this time and time again. Like I said, I haven't had to deal with this until the passing of my father. My father was an enabler and my brother's friend as well. He did this to him more than I can count on two hands. I pray every night to my father about if I am doing the right thing and I truly think that I am. No matter how much it pulls at my heart strings because he is my "little" brother and I know that he is hurting inside, but he is doing the same that he has for years, lying, stealing, using and trying to guilt everyone. I'm not going to be there enabler my father was. I have a family of my own which has been put on the back burner because all of my attention and worry is about him. Enough is enough.

CherryVanilla

I'm sorry about your dad passing. I hope your prayers give you the strength you need to deal with your brother and your grief.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

PuzzledHeart

My sister was in the habit of borrowing my dad's car. He finally put his foot down when he realized that it could be impounded if they found drugs in it. He would have had to cough up the fees to get it released because my sister sure as hell didn't have the money to pay for it.

I still get into arguments with my father about enabling my sister. Like you, there was a significant period of time where I was unaware of how bad it was getting. Her problems really came to light when my mom got diagnosed with cancer.

There is one question I pose myself whenever I'm in a pickle: Am I doing this action to make myself feel better (less guilty) or do I truly believe that this action would be in her best interests?

If your brother is in jail, you've made it that much harder for him to get access to drugs.

I am so sorry for your loss.

peaches78

So it has been a week since I have spoken to my brother. He is now for sure in a psych hospital and has a bed ready for him in a long term rehab waiting for him. He has cleared his psych evaluation and is ready to leave tomorrow or Monday. He of course has a different court hearing this Thursday, but since he is going to rehab, I guess that won't matter? I just received the papers in the mail this morning about the charges that I have filed against him and the court date. Since he lived with my father prior to his death, all mail for my brother comes to my house. So, it's my job to somehow serve him the papers. I am torn now btw guilt. Do I give him these right before he is going to rehab or do I wait and see if he is really going to stick with it? We have a few months before the hearing. He is also asking for the remainder of his share of the life insurance policy to have while he is in rehab for essentials and such. I needed a break from the drama today and have not answered his calls from the hospital. I do feel bad, but spending the day with my girls was way worth it. I still feel that jumping from rehab to rehab is an easy way for him to avoid taking responsibility for his actions (court hearings and whatnot). He just doesn't do well after rehab. Totally torn.

CherryVanilla

I think when he gets to rehab they will ask him about any pending charges, and they will contact the court for him regarding this coming Thursday. I think the court will reschedule for once he's released from rehab. I'd probably give him the new court papers now, this way they're out of your hands, you've done what you needed to do, and while he's away you don't have to think about when you do hand over the papers. (Or mail the papers to his rehab?)

I'm glad you stepped away from the drama today and enjoyed your daughters. I've been following your posts and wish you all the best.

SmallButMighty

I would suggest giving him any and all mail that comes for him. He needs to face and deal with any and all consequences of his actions, that's part of his healing process. It isn't your job to police his recovery, that's part of your healing process.

Best of luck to both of you.

KAS508

Has he tried Suboxone maintenance?
I've dealt with Heavy heroin addicts in my family, & the only way I've seen them get off & stay off once the rehabs failed,
is through maintenance drugs like suboxone. My cousin ended up getting his GED & has held a factory job for years while on suboxone,

Prisons Never the answer in my eyes.
They call it Department of Corrections' but it should be called Department of Punishment. There's no support or anything positive to aid a person in jail.
I've never seen anyone go to Prison & come out a new fresh person, The mental strain it puts on people usually puts them in a darker place in life & just sets them back in life even farther.
I'd say try to find any suboxone clinics around your area & get him there, really dig it in his head, like (only way I'm dropping the charges is if you go to this suboxone clinic with me & sign up, bring him to his appointments.. Any thing you have to do).
Once the rehabs fail multiple times maintenance drugs are a wise option.
There's Methadone clinics to but I wouldn't recommend it ever with the awful experience I've had with it. It makes you really dopey & blah & its hard as hell to come off of.

Idk if he's tried suboxone yet, but if the rehabs are failing, its worth a shot. He may need a high dose if he's a heavy user, but most clinics are more than willing to help.

& remind him if he feels crappy on it the first couple weeks that's only because the junk is leaving his system & it needs time to stable out. Hope this helps a bit. Best of luck.

CherryVanilla

This is how I think, too. Addiction is a disease.

PuzzledHeart

Peaches, didn't you mention that he was already on suboxone?

In regards to sending him the mail, I would say give it to him in rehab. He'll have more people to support him and help him process the news (and they'll be neutral too.)

atalose

I would give him all of his mail while he is in rehab, drop it off at the facility or contact them for a mailing address for him. I would also inquire about $ for his essentials and what their policy is. Not sure the amount of money remaining from a life insurance policy he is talking about but having $100 in an account vs $1000 or more is also something else to talk to the facility directly about.

Addicts are very cunning and manipulative always thinking down the road of how and where they will get their next fix. His words at this point in time are meaningless so use your logic not emotions when dealing with all the important stuff. Keep reminding yourself that he can't think clearly for himself right now so your helping him by using your own logic in handling his important matters.

needingabreak

Peaches I had a son who was an addict, now clean.
If you drop the charges how do you know he will continue to rehab? They may well drop the charges if they know he is in rehab or will continue the case.
My son was given what he needed in rehab. We did not give him money for anything. Giving him money would be a mistake unless it is a little and I mean a VERY little. I would wait on all of it till you know he actually goes to rehab and then STAYS. MY son also needed Suboxone to help him and finally got off it but that was harder to get off than the actual drugs. It is a huge help to many but better off being on it a short time and having help weaning. My son did it cold turkey. I am sorry you are dealing with this, especially after your father's passing but glad you found us. It is a terrible disease and one parents have such trouble not being enablers. We want to believe the best in our kids and really try to help but find we make things worst. It is a learning process. Keep us posted on how things are going.

peaches78

He has done suboxone and Methadone maintenance in the past after rehab. I am going to just mail the papers and let the courts deal with it. Hopefully, they will let him continue his treatment. He is going to be furious with me and blame me, but I wasn't the one who took the truck.......atleast that is what I keep telling myself. Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom and lending an ear. I truly appreciate it. It is all so helpful