bubbles88

Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking here for a couple months now and got courageous enough to join and post I am slowly getting a grip on reality vs my situation, but I feel like my codependent self is fighting it so hard. I really do think I’m addicted to love.

My husband is an addict – he’s been an alcoholic since I’ve known him, and he started on percocets about 3 years ago and progressed to heroin by last year. We’ve done the same addict - codependent dance that most of us have, so I won’t bore you with the ugly details of how our lives were destroyed. As it stands right now AH lives at our house and I am staying with my parents. The last straw was when he put himself on methadone without discussing with me (after a relapse he also didn’t tell me about) along with basically living a complete double life (complete with selling pot and texting ex girlfriends). We share custody of our kids but mostly I just end up going to our house to spend time with AH and them, and sleeping elsewhere. I feel like we’re falling into the old patterns of him manipulating and me accepting to keep the peace. I have such a hard time speaking up for myself. If I do, I just feel like I’m being mean and not being productive. Like I’m just spewing insults instead of setting a boundary.

I walk into that house and I’m instantly angry. Everything’s dirty, the kids’ lunches aren’t healthy, basic things that need done aren’t done. Things are not changing. One thing I do know is that I can’t go back to the same situation as what got us here. Part of me keeps thinking that if I move on, I’m giving up on him (and I’ve put so much time into this, can’t it be fixed??). Part of me is thinking he can’t get sober as long as he has me around because I do everything so he can stay comfortably numb. It hurts to admit that but I’m seeing reality more and more and that IS reality. He genuinely thinks that he is in recovery right now because "all he does" is methadone.

I’m also panicked that if I don’t make a decision or a move soon, this is going to mess my kids up. It’s like there’s literally no consistency. Previously it was a sick consistency, but it was still there (mom and dad scream at each other, dad sleeps, mom cleans and yells at us, mom takes us places).

I don’t want this pattern, I don’t want the old pattern, but I don’t know how to do life differently. I want/need him off the methadone because even though the clinic convinced him it’s the best thing since sliced bread (to the tune of $500/mo) it’s still an opioid and he will (if he hasn’t already) found other ways to get high while on it. Of course he swears not and “how could I have so little faith in him?” And they don’t care if he smokes pot or drinks – found that out in my meeting with his counselor. Their reasoning is his cravings for pot and alcohol will go away when his dose is correct – WHAT?! I don’t think he’s being sincere. Although he’s doing more around the house now than he ever has, it’s like he’s doing it to play a game and get me back so he can go back to flying high while I take care of business. I don’t feel he has genuine intentions. Once I’m back (IF I come back) back to status quo. It will literally kill me to go back down that road.

If you got this far, thank you for reading this and huge hugs – you guys are so amazing.

Ann

I am sorry your are going through all this and hope you can find some comfort and peace here.

Methadone is perhaps not ideal, but it has helped many get off of heroin. Around here they monitor other substance use because it can throw the effects of methadone off and make it mostly useless, or like just another drug.

That said, even using methadone and staying off other drugs is not recovery, it's just putting down the heroin. If he doesn't keep a clean and safe house, it isn't up to you to clean up for him. I don't know how old your children are but living in a home like that may not be safe for them. Can they stay with you?

It may be time for you to make a new plan for yourself and your children.

Hugs

Sunshine1234

Hi and welcome! I'm sorry for all you are going through. I can say though, you have come to a great place! It has gotten me through some of the toughest days I've ever had in my life. A little background on me...I left my husband about 6 months ago when I decided to face reality and accept that he was still in active addiction. I know he was addicted to Suboxone (to replace his Percocet addiction) amongst other things. We have 2 small children and I just refused to subject them to that. At the present time we are in the midst of divorce and it's not anywhere close to amicable. I don't speak with him unless it involves the kids. I only allow him to see the kids at my parents (where I currently live)...no unsupervised visits until he can submit to a clean drug test (he has yet to even submit to one). I worry about your kids being under his care. Even if it's just methadone...he is still under the influence. Have you consulted with a lawyer and are your finances protected? I know the feeling of wanting to do whatever it takes to keep your family together, but the truth is this will be a constant battle his entire life and you have to decide if you are willing to stand by him through it all, including possible relapses. Hugs!!!

AdelineRose

Hi! I am a recovering addict (over a year) and I am a loved one of an addict.

Is there anyway you can get your children out of the house? You have just said the house isn't clean, that he does not give them healthy food, and that he is still doing drugs. Before anything, children's lives need to be put before EVERYTHING else. You said that there is no consistency and that before the consistency from before was unhealthy and not healthy for the children either. Before anything else I would make sure the children are in a clean, safe, environment where you can implement the kind of structure they need. I do not know your whole story, what has happened or gone wrong. I only know what you have written in this post so all I can do is comment from the small bit I have read. I also am not saying it to be mean- I am saying it because being with an addict can make us crazed and because of that we focus on the addict and nothing else- believe me I know/understand.

As for the methadone, it has saved many people's lives if taken correctly-With substance abuse counseling, working with a doctor, not taking any other drugs, and following a program of recovery. Whether he is using, taking methadone, etc. ACTIONS matter more than words. Addicts lie lie lie and you cannot go by their actions, which I am sure you already know.

The only thing you can control in this situation is you. I have found that looking at my addict and looking at myself has to be looked at as two separate things. I have found I cannot look at the addict and me as one entity. There is HIM and there is ME. The more I saw that the easier it was to just focus on myself and to work on being the best me I could be. I am a huge advocate of counseling. I am also found that being the healthy- eating right and exercising has helped me focus on myself. Reaching out to family and friends also gave me a lot of support- I had to realize that it is okay to ask for help, that if I wanted to move forward I had to be honest with myself and that it is okay to be angry, annoyed, disappointed, happy, etc etc.

You can do this, you deserve to be happy and not have to worry about babysitting an adult. That is on HIM to get his own crap together.

bubbles88

Thank you all for your input. At this point, I don't have PROOF that he's doing any substance other than methadone and I don't think the house is not safe for my kids to live in. It's more that it's not up to my standards - as far as how often it's vacuumed, etc. If I had felt that they were in immediate danger, they'd be gone. Not trusting him is the hard part because by all appearances he really is a changed man, but there are still those nagging questions. I know what he can get away with, if he wants to. Does that ever go away?

My counselor seems to think it's as simple as me telling him I want to come with him to the clinic and we talk with the doctor about a taper. I honestly don't want to go through dealing with him in withdrawal again. He keeps saying he'll quit if I don't want him on it, but I know that HE has to want sobriety.

I feel like such a confused mess, one day I'm resolved that I've got to cut ties and start anew. One day I feel like I'm being unrealistic because he's trying to do better. I feel like I'm ignoring the approaching train wreck, but in my heart of hearts I know it will come eventually.

Sunshine, I have not consulted with a lawyer, but my dad did on my behalf. My finances are mostly protected (I have my own bank accts, life ins, health ins) but the big unknown are taxes (he's self employed and hasn't contributed all year). I'm in the midst of figuring out whether we can file as married filing separately or whether we'd have to be divorced in order for me not to be held liable for his tax responsibilities. Also his business vendor accounts would not be my responsibility if in default, thankfully.

And thank you Adeline, for that insight - I'll stop thinking of us as "WE." It hurts to let dreams and illusions go, but it's necessary.

Sunshine1234

It is my understanding that if you file "married filing separate", you will not be held liable for his taxes. My ex lied to me about his finances and would tell me he was filing but I'm 99% sure he hasn't in over god knows how long. I can't see how we would be liable when we were in the dark. Maybe someone that knows more can pipe in on this.

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like a big mess and I'd very concerned about the kids being with him. It's perfectly okay to NOT be okay with things that are not up to your standards, especially where children are concerned, for example: They need healthy food. That's a basic need that is being compromised.

About the methadone program. I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, for many people it gets them off heroin and the methadone they receive is an exact dose; controlled by the clinic, so cuts out the danger of not knowing what they are getting on the street.

Methodone has some advantages, but the sad fact is that they still crave that opiate high/euphoria. And, they may not be getting that high from methadone alone. So some addicts take other opiates on top of their methadone. They get a hold of other drugs and 'supplement' it to get high.

Another reality with addicts is that they lie about how MUCH they use with their 'habit'. For example, if you ask someone how much they smoke, which I have asked many many people that; they usually say "1/2 a pack a day". I cannot begin to tell how many people say that! If someone tells you they have 3 beers a day, that might be true, but call me a skeptic, it's likely MORE than just 3 beers a day.

Same goes for other drugs. This guy I knew in college offered me cocaine once and I was SHOCKED, and declined the cocaine...he could see I did not approve of it and then said, "I only use it when I to have cram and stay awake studying for a test or on long road trips to keep me alert." Okay...It's very likely he was using it MORE often than that! Why was he offering it to me; wanted to use it himself with me, in the middle of the day?

Many people who use drugs/alcohol can be fairly high functioning up to a certain point. In fact, some people think that drugs are helping them function better.

But, your man is showing many signs of neglect in his life...that is NOT a good sign.

We are here for you and hope you can get through this problem.

Big Hug!

bubbles88

Thanks teatree - that makes sense. At this point I'm trying to gather some data to figure out how to proceed. I feel like I have to "prove" he's using or not complying with treatment in order to justify taking further action. I know my gut feeling that things are not right is enough. I am now stuck deciding whether to move back in to keep my kids safe (as in, they will be under my care constantly) until I can take legal action, or try to keep them with me 24/7 at my parents' house since I don't have enough evidence to get emergency custody (tried already and court said unless there's physical danger and/or a PFA, then, no).

I did check phone records which I haven't done since I left (checking them was one of the things that spurred me to leave in the first place) --- and things aren't adding up again. That familiar stomachache is coming back...

Sunshine1234

IMO bringing your kids back into an environment where there are drugs is not the right choice. I know how you are thinking and you feel that if you go back under his roof at least the kids will never be alone with him versus having to give the kids to him without you there. I get that but there are other options for you besides moving back in. When I moved out I consulted with an attorney and she said to ask for a drug test in order to have kids unsupervised. 7 months later and I have yet to receive a drug test. He sees the kids supervised and I have MORE than enough documentation that states he can see the kids once he submits to a clean drug test. Make sure you put everything down in writing because it most likely will be asked for if you decide to divorce him.

Sunshine1234

Ps: It seems like we are married to the same guy! PM me if you want and I can give you some things that helped me during my separation.