How to handle the texts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
How to handle the texts?
If you remember my story......it's my AS who is the addict. He moved a few hours away with his "girlfriend" who is also an addict.
He told the family he was clean and he moved away to start over, new job, etc.
At first we did not hear from him but then he starts texting us telling us how great he is doing, he is working and he now has his own apartment.
Well, on Friday night, 2 officers show up at my home looking for him. There are 3 warrants for his arrest. 1 for cost and fines and the other 2 are for violation of probation (which AS told us he was complying with)!And since he is no longer in the area they can add another warrant for running!
He texts us pics of his apartment and "girlfriend" posts pics of them on Facebook looking like they do not have a care in the world. Living life to the fullest! In the meantime we are the ones back here putting up with his garbage!
How do I handle this? Do we ignore him or do we tell him we know that there are warrants out there and he is looking at jail time again? Or, do we just let it go and let him to continue to think he has us all fooled? I want to confront him and let him know that until he is doing what he should be doing that there will not be any real recovery and these things will be hanging over his head forever!
He told the family he was clean and he moved away to start over, new job, etc.
At first we did not hear from him but then he starts texting us telling us how great he is doing, he is working and he now has his own apartment.
Well, on Friday night, 2 officers show up at my home looking for him. There are 3 warrants for his arrest. 1 for cost and fines and the other 2 are for violation of probation (which AS told us he was complying with)!And since he is no longer in the area they can add another warrant for running!
He texts us pics of his apartment and "girlfriend" posts pics of them on Facebook looking like they do not have a care in the world. Living life to the fullest! In the meantime we are the ones back here putting up with his garbage!
How do I handle this? Do we ignore him or do we tell him we know that there are warrants out there and he is looking at jail time again? Or, do we just let it go and let him to continue to think he has us all fooled? I want to confront him and let him know that until he is doing what he should be doing that there will not be any real recovery and these things will be hanging over his head forever!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I want to confront him and let him know that until he is doing what he should be doing that there will not be any real recovery and these things will be hanging over his head
And so what that pictures are showing up on fake book! What’s that old saying – you can’t judge a book by its cover. Why does it bother you so much that there is a “projection” of happiness? As long as you know the truth, that’s all that should matter.
Sounds like you still want to “control” things in his life and are frustrated because you can’t.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I have been the addict and I have been the loved one of an addict.
From the addict's point of view, he doesn't really care about the warrents, he doesn't care whether you believe him, and he is going to do what he wants for as long as he wants. I would shut my phone off for months, turn it on oh things are great, then off again. Using was the only thing that mattered, no matter who is destroyed. (Luckily my family welcomed me back after I found a doctor, a psychiatrist, went on mental health meds, and had actually gotten clean)
From the loved one of an addict, I know it can be heart breaking. However, there is nothing you can do and nothing you can say to make him see the insanity or that he is destroying himself AND his family. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing that is best for all that are involved- go no contact and wait for the day that he finds recovery and gets the help he needs. Pray for him and take care of yourself- I know it hurts, but taking care of YOU will make you stronger and help you build a life where you can be happy despite him not being there. He is an adult, he can make his own choices just like you can. I know it hurts and takes time..you can do it
From the addict's point of view, he doesn't really care about the warrents, he doesn't care whether you believe him, and he is going to do what he wants for as long as he wants. I would shut my phone off for months, turn it on oh things are great, then off again. Using was the only thing that mattered, no matter who is destroyed. (Luckily my family welcomed me back after I found a doctor, a psychiatrist, went on mental health meds, and had actually gotten clean)
From the loved one of an addict, I know it can be heart breaking. However, there is nothing you can do and nothing you can say to make him see the insanity or that he is destroying himself AND his family. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing that is best for all that are involved- go no contact and wait for the day that he finds recovery and gets the help he needs. Pray for him and take care of yourself- I know it hurts, but taking care of YOU will make you stronger and help you build a life where you can be happy despite him not being there. He is an adult, he can make his own choices just like you can. I know it hurts and takes time..you can do it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
In the program there is a saying "fake it till you make it" Maybe thats whats going on here, maybe not. Either way there is one thing I do know. You didnt cause this. You cant change it and you cant control it.
You should have told the cops not to look for him at your house as he wont be there. You didnt say how old your son is but I'm thinking hes an adult.
I mean no disrespect by this but its really none of your business. I would have politely told the cops he not here and wont be coming back. Then ended the conversation. It would protect you from knowing stuff that you have no control of.
I'm the addict and the family member Ive been thru it all. Sometimes not knowing is a blessing
You should have told the cops not to look for him at your house as he wont be there. You didnt say how old your son is but I'm thinking hes an adult.
I mean no disrespect by this but its really none of your business. I would have politely told the cops he not here and wont be coming back. Then ended the conversation. It would protect you from knowing stuff that you have no control of.
I'm the addict and the family member Ive been thru it all. Sometimes not knowing is a blessing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
I can tell you it's NOT a control issue. There is nothing about this situation I wish to control.
Maybe CONFRONTATION was the wrong word to use. I just want him to know that WE know he's not in recovery and for him to basically leave us alone.
My son is 43 and I did tell the cops that he was not, nor will he ever be here. Don't know where he is at and really don't want to know. They have called us, left business cards in the mailbox so, they are basically not going away either.
Guess when he texts, "hey Mom, how are you and what's going on?" I just ignore it and then when he persists because I haven't replied that's when I tell him I want no contact again......
Maybe CONFRONTATION was the wrong word to use. I just want him to know that WE know he's not in recovery and for him to basically leave us alone.
My son is 43 and I did tell the cops that he was not, nor will he ever be here. Don't know where he is at and really don't want to know. They have called us, left business cards in the mailbox so, they are basically not going away either.
Guess when he texts, "hey Mom, how are you and what's going on?" I just ignore it and then when he persists because I haven't replied that's when I tell him I want no contact again......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
So sorry for what you're going through. I know how it feels when you want so badly to call someone out on lying to you. But it is true that an addict will never fess up. They will only argue with us, bringing more stress into our lives.
It must be hard trying to detach and break away from the drama, only to have police officers show up and reel you back in.
I hope you can find peace soon.
It must be hard trying to detach and break away from the drama, only to have police officers show up and reel you back in.
I hope you can find peace soon.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Plink.....I have been in your situation. What I would do (this is just me)....if you answer the phone and he asks..."what is going on"...I would simply tell the truth, in a short sentence. "The cops were here, the other day, looking for you, with some warrants". Period. don't go into any detail, even if he presses you. Just say..."I told them you weren't here". Give no more details! Let him worry about the rest of it.
As a mother, I know that is in our bones to want to believe that our kids are performing to the standards that we would wish for them. That it is our very instinct to want to protect them as m uch as possible.
Having acknowledged this, I do (have learned) believe that our greatest duty as a parent is the role of teacher. In the laws of Nature...there comes a time in the development, that we have to step aside (begins during adolescence) and let the more advanced teacher take over the teaching responsibilities....THE Universe. The Universe can teach them what we never can....
It is sometimes called the School of Experience...or, The School of Hard Knocks.
Now, I am not saying to take away your love. You can't do that, anyway....
What I am saying, is, knowing when to back off from their adult troubles is the most loving thing you can do, in the big picture....
Both for him. and, for yourself......
As a mother, I know that is in our bones to want to believe that our kids are performing to the standards that we would wish for them. That it is our very instinct to want to protect them as m uch as possible.
Having acknowledged this, I do (have learned) believe that our greatest duty as a parent is the role of teacher. In the laws of Nature...there comes a time in the development, that we have to step aside (begins during adolescence) and let the more advanced teacher take over the teaching responsibilities....THE Universe. The Universe can teach them what we never can....
It is sometimes called the School of Experience...or, The School of Hard Knocks.
Now, I am not saying to take away your love. You can't do that, anyway....
What I am saying, is, knowing when to back off from their adult troubles is the most loving thing you can do, in the big picture....
Both for him. and, for yourself......
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Plink, many times I caught myself in the middle of my son's messes, like you are, and it made me sick, literally.
I made it clear to my son that I would never lie for him, never cover up. I wouldn't go out of my way to make trouble, but if any good person asked me for information, this mama was going with the truth.
You handled this well. I agree with dandylion that just telling him what happened, without drama or emotion, just stating the facts would be a good way to pass on the information and then let go.
Personally, knowing what I know now, if it was my son I would have told the police how to contact him. Partly because I would feel honest and less pressured and mostly because I was asked a question by the police, I knew the truthful answer and I respect the police enough to give it to them.
I'm sending hugs because I know the pain that lives in your heart. My prayers go out for your son and for you too.
Hugs
I made it clear to my son that I would never lie for him, never cover up. I wouldn't go out of my way to make trouble, but if any good person asked me for information, this mama was going with the truth.
You handled this well. I agree with dandylion that just telling him what happened, without drama or emotion, just stating the facts would be a good way to pass on the information and then let go.
Personally, knowing what I know now, if it was my son I would have told the police how to contact him. Partly because I would feel honest and less pressured and mostly because I was asked a question by the police, I knew the truthful answer and I respect the police enough to give it to them.
I'm sending hugs because I know the pain that lives in your heart. My prayers go out for your son and for you too.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Plink))) We do the best we can, Plink, nobody can ask for more.
I am a big believer that life leads us to where we are supposed to go. That applies to you and me but also to your son. Life may take him to jail but that may take him to the willingness to grab recovery and hang on for dear life.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I am a big believer that life leads us to where we are supposed to go. That applies to you and me but also to your son. Life may take him to jail but that may take him to the willingness to grab recovery and hang on for dear life.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Or, do we just let it go and let him to continue to think he has us all fooled? I want to confront him and let him know that until he is doing what he should be doing that there will not be any real recovery and these things will be hanging over his head forever!**
I can so relate to this. The lying really gets me. Its so crazy making. Do I believe an addict or my own lying eyes. I am truthful by nature and have a hard time being lied to. I feel like you are insulting my intelligence when you lie to my face, then I have a hard time believing Anything that's said. I so want to call out my stepson on his lies to me. For the satisfaction of , if nothing else, so that he knows he hasn't gotten away with it. But the reality is, he wouldn't cop to it anyway. there is always an excuse, a reason, a denial, etc etc etc. I can't expect a liar to cop to the truth. Frustrating. But in the end, I know it will get me know where. Just like I know, that when he says "its all under control" "life is great" that it is not what my eyes see. For a long while, I wanted to believe him. (still do) but I know what I know, in my gut, my eyes don't lie, and neither does my heart.
I can so relate to this. The lying really gets me. Its so crazy making. Do I believe an addict or my own lying eyes. I am truthful by nature and have a hard time being lied to. I feel like you are insulting my intelligence when you lie to my face, then I have a hard time believing Anything that's said. I so want to call out my stepson on his lies to me. For the satisfaction of , if nothing else, so that he knows he hasn't gotten away with it. But the reality is, he wouldn't cop to it anyway. there is always an excuse, a reason, a denial, etc etc etc. I can't expect a liar to cop to the truth. Frustrating. But in the end, I know it will get me know where. Just like I know, that when he says "its all under control" "life is great" that it is not what my eyes see. For a long while, I wanted to believe him. (still do) but I know what I know, in my gut, my eyes don't lie, and neither does my heart.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I used to tell my son that where there is one lie, there is no truth. Sometimes I would follow his story and believe what he was saying and then...wait! That little lie in there, it doesn't make sense and it tells me the entire story is a fabrication.
Trust is lost and it takes a long time, if ever, to regain it. Lack of trust is how we protect ourselves and it saves us from trying to sort out the truth from fiction. It becomes too exhausting to even try.
It's okay to not trust our addicted loved ones, it's okay to do what is right for us, even if they don't like it. It's okay for us to just step away from addiction and live our lives in peace. It's okay.
Hugs
Trust is lost and it takes a long time, if ever, to regain it. Lack of trust is how we protect ourselves and it saves us from trying to sort out the truth from fiction. It becomes too exhausting to even try.
It's okay to not trust our addicted loved ones, it's okay to do what is right for us, even if they don't like it. It's okay for us to just step away from addiction and live our lives in peace. It's okay.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
Thank you all for your replies.
He texted pics to me last night of 2 plaques he has won for 3rd quarter sales. I did not respond to him but, I will this morning.
I think I will tell him that "it's great" but, that I know he is not complying with his probation. There will be no arguing because I stopped doing that with him this past summer.......
It's his life, his decisions and he knows he's the only one in control here...
He texted pics to me last night of 2 plaques he has won for 3rd quarter sales. I did not respond to him but, I will this morning.
I think I will tell him that "it's great" but, that I know he is not complying with his probation. There will be no arguing because I stopped doing that with him this past summer.......
It's his life, his decisions and he knows he's the only one in control here...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Plink.....you do what you decide, of course....But, let me ask why is it necessary to even mention the probation issue? There is no need to say everything you know.
He knows what he is supposed to do...and, he knows he is not doing it.
Bringing it up will just cause more conflict, for sure. It will just pull you in deeper.
The Universe will bring the consequences to him in due time. Why give him more bullets for his gun to aim at you?
All of this is on his side of the street...for him, not you, to deal with.
If it were me I would just agree with him that the sales record is a good thing....and leave the rest alone.....
He knows what he is supposed to do...and, he knows he is not doing it.
Bringing it up will just cause more conflict, for sure. It will just pull you in deeper.
The Universe will bring the consequences to him in due time. Why give him more bullets for his gun to aim at you?
All of this is on his side of the street...for him, not you, to deal with.
If it were me I would just agree with him that the sales record is a good thing....and leave the rest alone.....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s been my experience that when I need to be right, need to let others know I know their lies, call them out on their crap……………..it’s never ended with them apologizing, least not a real genuine one or the kind I was expecting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Unfortunately, I don't think you will get one. I think the only thing you can realistically hope for is for you to feel better if you say something. But I don't think he will admit the lies, or apologize, I guess I am jaded enough that if it were my ss and he apologized, I would believe it is lip service and the lies will not stop. Maybe I'm wrong, (in your case) in mine, I know full well that lying is so ingrained that half the time they don't realize they are doing it, and really, it will never stop. I hope your case is different. In my case the reason I haven't confronted him, is 1) I dont believe it will make any difference 2.) Calling him out on it would make me feel better, but the excuses and justifications that would follow would make me feel Worse. That's just me, if he would cop to it and apologize, I'd probably do it, just cause I want him to know he's not fooling me. I hate it when people think I am stupid.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
My son is doing pretty well right now, and I have heard the sincere apology that I had been wanting. There is no way it could have meant anything before recently.
I don't know what made him want to make changes, but I know it had nothing to do with me.
I also don't know how long this will last.
I guess my point is that maybe that apology will come, and mean something. Now may not be the time.
Hang in there
I don't know what made him want to make changes, but I know it had nothing to do with me.
I also don't know how long this will last.
I guess my point is that maybe that apology will come, and mean something. Now may not be the time.
Hang in there
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ohhhhh, Plink......I think that, for the time being, it would be best to just aim for some peace for yourself and more distance from his adult problems. You can grow very old while waiting for an apology...lol....
He, obviously, has a long way to go on his journey. He will learn better and faster if you let the Universe take over.
Best to spend time in alanon or naranon or some other support group for yourself.
You may not believe this...but, right now, you are probably suffering more than he is! He has his denial to shield him from the raw kind of pain that yu are suffering....
Be kind to yourself....you are important, too!
He, obviously, has a long way to go on his journey. He will learn better and faster if you let the Universe take over.
Best to spend time in alanon or naranon or some other support group for yourself.
You may not believe this...but, right now, you are probably suffering more than he is! He has his denial to shield him from the raw kind of pain that yu are suffering....
Be kind to yourself....you are important, too!
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