Need advice. Newly Wed wife of recovering heroin addict.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Need advice. Newly Wed wife of recovering heroin addict.
My husband started abusing oxy in 2013, moved onto smoking heroin in 2014. I had no idea about his addiction until I started noticing money going missing. He finally got caught and admitted his addiction. He had tried to get help secretly in the past by being on the methodone program but fell off of it and started using again. In June of this year he decided he needed the help of his family and I and went to a 30 day rehab centre. He came out confident and clean. He did not utilize the things he learned in rehab and skipped his meetings because he thought he was fine. He soon secretly relapsed on oxy. One day of oxy only.. He started going to meetings. 2 weeks passed by of being clean again while going to meetings and he thought he could use oxy recreationally. Oxy turned into smoking heroin again and now he has been using for 2 weeks. Once again we were blind to it, he was caught pawning off some expensive Jewelry and he then addmited he has been using for 2 weeks. I had also noticed he was secretly puking when he thought he weren't home so he was trying to quit again, cold turkey so he wouldn't have to admit his problem to us. Now he is on the suboxone program. We have been married for one year, known each other all our lives. Only 27 years old. I don't know what to do. Can he get over this? All I read about online are horror stories from wives of addicts. Are there any successful stories? Do I leave? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO Do 😔
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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The success stories I know of tend to happen when both partners are working their own programs. Have you gotten any type of support for yourself? This is a lot of stress for any relationship, but especially being a newlywed with the honeymoon barely over. There are meetings you can attend- Naranon is for friends and families of addicts. Al Anon (which I attend) can also offer support if a Naranon meeting isn't available in your area. There is also a group run through churches called Celebrate Recovery that has programs for families of addicts. And if you're not comfortable in group settings, individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in addiction can be very helpful. The important thing is to take care of yourself first.
You don't have to decide anything right this minute. Marriage and divorce are big life-changing steps and I can't tell you what's best for your life. I would recommend being vigilant about birth control. Sorry if that's too personal, but any decision you make will be further complicated by adding children to the mix and it doesn't sound like your husband is in a position to be a supportive partner right now.
I'm glad you found us. Thanks for reaching out. Keep reading and posting. There is a lot of good information here. This link might be a good place to start.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oved-ones.html
You don't have to decide anything right this minute. Marriage and divorce are big life-changing steps and I can't tell you what's best for your life. I would recommend being vigilant about birth control. Sorry if that's too personal, but any decision you make will be further complicated by adding children to the mix and it doesn't sound like your husband is in a position to be a supportive partner right now.
I'm glad you found us. Thanks for reaching out. Keep reading and posting. There is a lot of good information here. This link might be a good place to start.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oved-ones.html
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Pillow - There are a lot of parallels in our stories. I am a 27 year old wife of a heroin addict. He, like many, started with pills, and eventually progressed to IV heroin... All of this was unbeknownst to me until money kept going missing.... he was gone all the time... came across syringe caps, etc. I understand the heartbreak and detriment you must have felt when you found out. I understand the anger, betrayal, hurt, sadness, grief, fear etc that goes along with it.
Fast forward, my husband has been to suboxone treatment, relapsed, gotten arrested for possession, gone to rehab, relapsed, gone to detox, relapsed, and is now on methadone treatment. This has now been his longest stint of sobriety (about 2 months). You've heard many stories like this, I know. I tell you this not to discourage you. I actually am going to tell you I am thankful for this struggle I have gone through. There were many, many, many days and nights where I would not have said that. But, truly, I have been able to grow exponentially through all of this. How? Well, not to shove religion in your face, but I am a Christian and a Christ follower. He has changed my life entirely, and having Him in control is the only way I could have made it. However, I also surrounded myself with people "like me" and people who care. There are no Nar-Anon meetings near me (for friends/family of drug addicts) so I went to Alanon instead. The community is extremely necessary. You need to be surrounded by others who get it, who have been there, and who can be with you every step. It is crucial.
I wanted to give a brief background of mine and my husband's experience, too, to let you know that recovery is (most of the time) a roller coaster and a bumpy ride. For those who work hard for it, it becomes solid ground in the end, but leading up to that point can hurt. THIS is why community for yourself is very important. You will not be able to control his outcome, only he can do that. You can, however, control your outcome and your resulting happiness. Don't be afraid, go to a meeting, ask your church for help, find a counselor. Isolation is what hurts. Community leads to healing and growth.
Keep coming back here, we get it, we will laugh and cry with you. Whatever you need that we can help with, we are here! I love SR
Fast forward, my husband has been to suboxone treatment, relapsed, gotten arrested for possession, gone to rehab, relapsed, gone to detox, relapsed, and is now on methadone treatment. This has now been his longest stint of sobriety (about 2 months). You've heard many stories like this, I know. I tell you this not to discourage you. I actually am going to tell you I am thankful for this struggle I have gone through. There were many, many, many days and nights where I would not have said that. But, truly, I have been able to grow exponentially through all of this. How? Well, not to shove religion in your face, but I am a Christian and a Christ follower. He has changed my life entirely, and having Him in control is the only way I could have made it. However, I also surrounded myself with people "like me" and people who care. There are no Nar-Anon meetings near me (for friends/family of drug addicts) so I went to Alanon instead. The community is extremely necessary. You need to be surrounded by others who get it, who have been there, and who can be with you every step. It is crucial.
I wanted to give a brief background of mine and my husband's experience, too, to let you know that recovery is (most of the time) a roller coaster and a bumpy ride. For those who work hard for it, it becomes solid ground in the end, but leading up to that point can hurt. THIS is why community for yourself is very important. You will not be able to control his outcome, only he can do that. You can, however, control your outcome and your resulting happiness. Don't be afraid, go to a meeting, ask your church for help, find a counselor. Isolation is what hurts. Community leads to healing and growth.
Keep coming back here, we get it, we will laugh and cry with you. Whatever you need that we can help with, we are here! I love SR
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My son just celebrated 6 years clean from opiates. He still uses a small dosage of suboxone and sees an addiction doctor for that monthly. It works for him.
I'm glad I'm his mom. I wouldn't want to be a girlfriend or wife to someone in the situation. It is a long, long road and it isn't easy.
I wish you the best of luck and echo the comments to find a program for yourself. I went to NarAnon and AlAnon weekly for a very long time as well as read on Sober Recovery daily.
I'm glad I'm his mom. I wouldn't want to be a girlfriend or wife to someone in the situation. It is a long, long road and it isn't easy.
I wish you the best of luck and echo the comments to find a program for yourself. I went to NarAnon and AlAnon weekly for a very long time as well as read on Sober Recovery daily.
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. I appreciate your time and insight.
He's now 7 days sober (he says). He even started working again! I will be at surprise home drug testing on Thursday.
But honestly I am so tired. I have a counselling appointment coming up and hopefully that will help me. I have not been to any anon appointments, I've tried to make myself go bit I just can't do it. It baffles my mind but I just can't make myself go yet. However, I finally told my dad and he has been so supportive.. I am thankful for my parents and the support they continue to show me. I also try to talk to God and pray as often as I can.. It really helps centre my feelings. BUT..
I'm so scared of the future. What if he gets clean but 10 years down the road he relapses? These thoughts just poison my mind all the time. What if he dies?! I know I can't control the future and I can only hope for the best.. But I'm going to spend the next few months really figuring out if this life is for me.. I don't think I can continue to be the wife of an addict .. Sounds selfish but I will probably lose my mind more than I already have.
I read the stories from wives and mothers and I have so so so so much respect for you women. You are so strong, I wish I could be half the women you are.
I am going to see a psychic today.. I know..it sounds so stupid but I am between a rock and a hard place.. Just need someone to tell me something! 🙈
He's now 7 days sober (he says). He even started working again! I will be at surprise home drug testing on Thursday.
But honestly I am so tired. I have a counselling appointment coming up and hopefully that will help me. I have not been to any anon appointments, I've tried to make myself go bit I just can't do it. It baffles my mind but I just can't make myself go yet. However, I finally told my dad and he has been so supportive.. I am thankful for my parents and the support they continue to show me. I also try to talk to God and pray as often as I can.. It really helps centre my feelings. BUT..
I'm so scared of the future. What if he gets clean but 10 years down the road he relapses? These thoughts just poison my mind all the time. What if he dies?! I know I can't control the future and I can only hope for the best.. But I'm going to spend the next few months really figuring out if this life is for me.. I don't think I can continue to be the wife of an addict .. Sounds selfish but I will probably lose my mind more than I already have.
I read the stories from wives and mothers and I have so so so so much respect for you women. You are so strong, I wish I could be half the women you are.
I am going to see a psychic today.. I know..it sounds so stupid but I am between a rock and a hard place.. Just need someone to tell me something! 🙈
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Whenever I have felt a bit overwhelmed by things in life I try to bring it back into perspective by setting or re-setting goals. Think of where you WANT to be and/or NEED to be. And then, think of what steps you can take right NOW to get there. Try not to future trip as that can stir up more fear and hinder you from taking ACTION. Really: He's going to do what he's going to do and you cannot control what he does.
You DO have a certain amount of control over what YOU do and in a sense, all you really have is yourself. I'm not saying that to make you feel isolated, anti-social or that it's not okay to need others, but really and truly it's yourSELF that needs your focus and attention the most right now. You can depend on others, yes, but only to a certain extent and the rest is up to you.
You DO have a certain amount of control over what YOU do and in a sense, all you really have is yourself. I'm not saying that to make you feel isolated, anti-social or that it's not okay to need others, but really and truly it's yourSELF that needs your focus and attention the most right now. You can depend on others, yes, but only to a certain extent and the rest is up to you.
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I will be at surprise home drug testing on Thursday.
Do you have a boundary you're willing to enforce if he tests positive? And if he's taking suboxone, then does the test differentiate between that and other drugs he might be using? Lots of people here have tried the route of testing loved ones, it usually just leads to a lot of fighting, aggravation and wasted time and energy. You're putting yourself in the position of being his nurse, warden, babysitter, whatever. It seems like a resentment waiting to happen on both your parts.
I'm so scared of the future. What if he gets clean but 10 years down the road he relapses? These thoughts just poison my mind all the time. What if he dies?! I know I can't control the future and I can only hope for the best.. But I'm going to spend the next few months really figuring out if this life is for me.. I don't think I can continue to be the wife of an addict .. Sounds selfish but I will probably lose my mind more than I already have.
This is where a face to face support group with other family members who have an addicted loved one can really be helpful. You don't have to face this alone. And it's a lot cheaper than a visit to a psychic, lol. I'm glad you have some support from your family. Take care and keep posting.
Do you have a boundary you're willing to enforce if he tests positive? And if he's taking suboxone, then does the test differentiate between that and other drugs he might be using? Lots of people here have tried the route of testing loved ones, it usually just leads to a lot of fighting, aggravation and wasted time and energy. You're putting yourself in the position of being his nurse, warden, babysitter, whatever. It seems like a resentment waiting to happen on both your parts.
I'm so scared of the future. What if he gets clean but 10 years down the road he relapses? These thoughts just poison my mind all the time. What if he dies?! I know I can't control the future and I can only hope for the best.. But I'm going to spend the next few months really figuring out if this life is for me.. I don't think I can continue to be the wife of an addict .. Sounds selfish but I will probably lose my mind more than I already have.
This is where a face to face support group with other family members who have an addicted loved one can really be helpful. You don't have to face this alone. And it's a lot cheaper than a visit to a psychic, lol. I'm glad you have some support from your family. Take care and keep posting.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Hugs to you - you are going through some hard stuff.
It is possible to be a wife of an addict if you learn to be happy regardless of him being sober or not. Firm boundaries, separating while he is getting his stuff together is something that appears to be working for some.
In my case - I was no longer willing to tolerate a risk of XAH driving DS12 under influence. It was just like something snapped and I no longer wanted to deal with him.
Only you can know what your rock bottom is. Dont settle for less than you deserve
It is possible to be a wife of an addict if you learn to be happy regardless of him being sober or not. Firm boundaries, separating while he is getting his stuff together is something that appears to be working for some.
In my case - I was no longer willing to tolerate a risk of XAH driving DS12 under influence. It was just like something snapped and I no longer wanted to deal with him.
Only you can know what your rock bottom is. Dont settle for less than you deserve
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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You are all so amazing and supportive. Thank you again.
I can't deal with him. I just found out he's been lying since he got out of rehab. He started using a week later, no sober time. When I asked him for the truth in the nicest manner, he completely turned into a rude jerk.
He has been in the most foul mood last night and this morning. I can't baby him anymore, I refuse. He can make his own choices. I will give him the test and if he doesn't take it, that's proof enough for me.
I honestly don't think we will make it. I need to focus on my life and my happiness. I can't be wrapped up in his addiction. I don't think I can be with him while knowing he's an active addict that doesn't want to change. I try to listen and help, he pretends he cares and sweet talks me into thinking he's changing or wants to change. Clearly he's not ready to get clean. He doesn't think he has a problem. I'm pretty sure his parents and I are his only problem right now lol.
However, his parents love him so much and will do anything to try to stop him from using.. They do things differently in their culture so it's hard to get the message across that we can't help him unless he wants to change.
I did end up going to the psychic lol it was an awesome experience and I think her and I will be good friends lol
I apologize for rambling. Thank you again for listening and giving your advice. I honestly love reading the posts.
I can't deal with him. I just found out he's been lying since he got out of rehab. He started using a week later, no sober time. When I asked him for the truth in the nicest manner, he completely turned into a rude jerk.
He has been in the most foul mood last night and this morning. I can't baby him anymore, I refuse. He can make his own choices. I will give him the test and if he doesn't take it, that's proof enough for me.
I honestly don't think we will make it. I need to focus on my life and my happiness. I can't be wrapped up in his addiction. I don't think I can be with him while knowing he's an active addict that doesn't want to change. I try to listen and help, he pretends he cares and sweet talks me into thinking he's changing or wants to change. Clearly he's not ready to get clean. He doesn't think he has a problem. I'm pretty sure his parents and I are his only problem right now lol.
However, his parents love him so much and will do anything to try to stop him from using.. They do things differently in their culture so it's hard to get the message across that we can't help him unless he wants to change.
I did end up going to the psychic lol it was an awesome experience and I think her and I will be good friends lol
I apologize for rambling. Thank you again for listening and giving your advice. I honestly love reading the posts.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Please don't apologize for 'rambling'. I really do believe it is so helpful to write about what you're going through....!!
It must be not just hard, but heartbreaking to realize the person you are newly wedded to is a drug addict. Talk about reality crashing down on you in a big way. I just think that would be so hard.
Well, being newly weds is usually a significant adjustment anyways, especially if you didn't live together first. Little things get on your nerves and stuff, but this is a big deal.
I'm not going to try and persuade you to get out of the relationship, only you can decide if that's right for you. But, just remember to be true to yourself. In many cases, the presence or absence of peace will be your indicator.
It must be not just hard, but heartbreaking to realize the person you are newly wedded to is a drug addict. Talk about reality crashing down on you in a big way. I just think that would be so hard.
Well, being newly weds is usually a significant adjustment anyways, especially if you didn't live together first. Little things get on your nerves and stuff, but this is a big deal.
I'm not going to try and persuade you to get out of the relationship, only you can decide if that's right for you. But, just remember to be true to yourself. In many cases, the presence or absence of peace will be your indicator.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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I am so sorry for what you are going through! I left my husband after being married for a short time...year and a half. I tried to do the drug tests and "monitor him" but it just made me feel like I was constantly running after him and trying to control the situation. In reality he was going to do whatever he wanted whenever. I decided to proceed with a divorce and although the transition was hard, now I'm off and running and never looking back! Stay strong...you know what you deserve and your worth.
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Hi
So he is on the suboxone program, "slipped" once but decided to tell me about it as opposed to lying and then me finding out when the Dr tested him. Since his slip he is one week sober from opiates. I drug tested him yesterday and it was clean. He will have a test this week to refill his subx.. He says it will be clean.
His moods are better and he seems like he is being honest with me. He says he doesnt have major cravings (probably because he's so busy at work?) and he has not gone to a meeting (I don't think he believes the meetings or steps help him).. He also has not seen a therapist/counsellor. I'm not sure if that's normal.. But he seems to be focused on working and trying to build my trust back.. Not sure about focusing in his recovery. (then again.. Who knows)
Ive taken 10 steps back. I don't ask many questions, don't police him and frankly act like I don't care. I've stated that I just want honesty and he seems to agree. I saw a therapist/counsellor/psychiatrist (not sure) and she was nice. Didn't really do much for me but I'll be seeing her again next month.
Tonight he fell asleep early and I started reading SR and now I'm sad. Every time my niave little head thinks we will be ok.. I read a dozen stories that state otherwise. Then I start over analyzing and thinking of my future. I have not come across a single happy or successful heroin recovery story.. Maybe I just can't find them?
Feeling sad and defeated even when things are going well. It's probably too good to be true. 😔
So he is on the suboxone program, "slipped" once but decided to tell me about it as opposed to lying and then me finding out when the Dr tested him. Since his slip he is one week sober from opiates. I drug tested him yesterday and it was clean. He will have a test this week to refill his subx.. He says it will be clean.
His moods are better and he seems like he is being honest with me. He says he doesnt have major cravings (probably because he's so busy at work?) and he has not gone to a meeting (I don't think he believes the meetings or steps help him).. He also has not seen a therapist/counsellor. I'm not sure if that's normal.. But he seems to be focused on working and trying to build my trust back.. Not sure about focusing in his recovery. (then again.. Who knows)
Ive taken 10 steps back. I don't ask many questions, don't police him and frankly act like I don't care. I've stated that I just want honesty and he seems to agree. I saw a therapist/counsellor/psychiatrist (not sure) and she was nice. Didn't really do much for me but I'll be seeing her again next month.
Tonight he fell asleep early and I started reading SR and now I'm sad. Every time my niave little head thinks we will be ok.. I read a dozen stories that state otherwise. Then I start over analyzing and thinking of my future. I have not come across a single happy or successful heroin recovery story.. Maybe I just can't find them?
Feeling sad and defeated even when things are going well. It's probably too good to be true. 😔
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
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Pillow,
So sorry for what you are going through.
It's rough and NO, we are not always strong! Though my situation is so different than yours........sometimes I think if I had a bottle of pills here I would take them and make this all go away...................
So sorry for what you are going through.
It's rough and NO, we are not always strong! Though my situation is so different than yours........sometimes I think if I had a bottle of pills here I would take them and make this all go away...................
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Originally Posted by Plink 
Pillow,
So sorry for what you are going through.
It's rough and NO, we are not always strong! Though my situation is so different than yours........sometimes I think if I had a bottle of pills here I would take them and make this all go away...................
So sorry for what you are going through.
It's rough and NO, we are not always strong! Though my situation is so different than yours........sometimes I think if I had a bottle of pills here I would take them and make this all go away...................
This is exactly how I feel as well. But I can't. I won't. I cannot leave my parents childless and I will not allow HIS addiction to take MY life. That's what keeps me going! Be strong.
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Originally Posted by bubbles88
Pillow, just wanted to say hi and send some support. I'm not a newlywed, but dealing with a similar situation with my H.
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If it helps at all, I've met quite a number of successfully recovering heroin addicts. I don't think the intent here is to discourage you or give you no hope. Rather, to perhaps let you in on what could possibly be in store for you as a co-dependent.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
If it helps at all, I've met quite a number of successfully recovering heroin addicts. I don't think the intent here is to discourage you or give you no hope. Rather, to perhaps let you in on what could possibly be in store for you as a co-dependent.
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