Letting go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Letting go
letting go of trying to get my daughters father to see that me and her are important.
letting go of trying to get him to see that where he is at in life is not healthy and its too risky. He shouldn't be relapsing, when he is a father. He should be getting real help and making a sustainable lifestyle for our daughter.
letting go of caring about him because he clearly does not care about me.
why is letting go so incredibly hard? :'(
letting go of trying to get him to see that where he is at in life is not healthy and its too risky. He shouldn't be relapsing, when he is a father. He should be getting real help and making a sustainable lifestyle for our daughter.
letting go of caring about him because he clearly does not care about me.
why is letting go so incredibly hard? :'(
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Letting go of someone we love is one of the hardest things we will ever do. It is also one of the most loving.
I have this poem in my "treasures" and thought you might enjoy it.
Letting Go
~Unknown
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realisation I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,
To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.
I have this poem in my "treasures" and thought you might enjoy it.
Letting Go
~Unknown
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realisation I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,
To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Thank you guys for the kind words and I absolutely love that poem.
It's so hard to step down. I just have a feeling when I let go, he wont be able to have any ground at all. Letting go makes me feel so guilty, even though he doesn't even clearly want me to hold on. Its really sad and complex. But I am ready to let go, even if that means he completely falls off. It's not my problem, and it impacts my daily life worrying about him.
Its finally time to let go :'(
It's so hard to step down. I just have a feeling when I let go, he wont be able to have any ground at all. Letting go makes me feel so guilty, even though he doesn't even clearly want me to hold on. Its really sad and complex. But I am ready to let go, even if that means he completely falls off. It's not my problem, and it impacts my daily life worrying about him.
Its finally time to let go :'(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
He came for a visit this past weekend, and he had track marks on his arms. They were bad. Bruises, at least 5 on one arm. I took a picture of him and our daughter, and you could see a track mark.
He said that hes done using this time. That I should have faith in him and support him. He said his plan of action is to go to two meetings a week. He said that I am crazy for how I reacted.
It's time to let go. :'(
He said that hes done using this time. That I should have faith in him and support him. He said his plan of action is to go to two meetings a week. He said that I am crazy for how I reacted.
It's time to let go. :'(
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
QTIP = Quit Taking It Personally
He doesn’t drug at you or to you or because of you…………he does it because that’s what addicts do.
Just like they lie, steel and manipulate. They twist reality to fit their need – which is to use again. Of course he’s going to minimize his behavior and drug use………….because that’s what addicts do.
It’s not a choice between loving someone and using drugs, it’s just not that simple. And if it were a choice between drugs and having a loving, caring family well………..none of us would be here on these forms or attending meetings, etc. Love cannot and will not stop addiction.
So when you go to that kind of thinking, that if he loved you and his child enough he’d just stop shooting drugs…………that’s not a reality.
Letting go of the insanity of drug addiction and being all consumed with it and him, is not good for you or your child. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is a good way to begin your own recovery.
He doesn’t drug at you or to you or because of you…………he does it because that’s what addicts do.
Just like they lie, steel and manipulate. They twist reality to fit their need – which is to use again. Of course he’s going to minimize his behavior and drug use………….because that’s what addicts do.
It’s not a choice between loving someone and using drugs, it’s just not that simple. And if it were a choice between drugs and having a loving, caring family well………..none of us would be here on these forms or attending meetings, etc. Love cannot and will not stop addiction.
So when you go to that kind of thinking, that if he loved you and his child enough he’d just stop shooting drugs…………that’s not a reality.
Letting go of the insanity of drug addiction and being all consumed with it and him, is not good for you or your child. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is a good way to begin your own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Thank you for the words.
I have started to set my own boundaries. He lives about an hour away, and typically I have reached out to HIM to set up an arrangement to see our daughter. Or to check on him, make sure he is still planning on sending child support money. In any case, my point is, usually I reach out to him first.
But I feel as though, I should no longer do that. It has really been difficult for me to refrain contact with him, esp with the anxiety I get and worry. However, I need to stick with refraining from contact and see just how serious he is about sobriety and getting better to be a real father. Not reaching out to him has been such a struggle though, not even looking at his facebook. I have become so codependent on him as well through the last 10 years, that I feel like a rug is being pulled from under me. Without hearing his voice, being a new mom, living an hour away, him relapsing, my anxiety, worry, depression has just went overboard.
But I have made the decision to start taking my life back.
I have started to set my own boundaries. He lives about an hour away, and typically I have reached out to HIM to set up an arrangement to see our daughter. Or to check on him, make sure he is still planning on sending child support money. In any case, my point is, usually I reach out to him first.
But I feel as though, I should no longer do that. It has really been difficult for me to refrain contact with him, esp with the anxiety I get and worry. However, I need to stick with refraining from contact and see just how serious he is about sobriety and getting better to be a real father. Not reaching out to him has been such a struggle though, not even looking at his facebook. I have become so codependent on him as well through the last 10 years, that I feel like a rug is being pulled from under me. Without hearing his voice, being a new mom, living an hour away, him relapsing, my anxiety, worry, depression has just went overboard.
But I have made the decision to start taking my life back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think that is a great idea that you stop reaching out to him. I also might suggest that you don’t push for him to have a relationship with the baby. Most children do not need an active addict in their lives, no matter how much we tell ourselves they do!!!
Recovery is a very slow and long process, waiting around for results to happen often keeps that anxiety at the surface.
Reality is, even if he does stop drugging now today, it will be a long time, maybe a year or more before he’s truly clear headed and able to function on a normal level.
Based on what you have shared, I would suggest you focus on you, your child and the possibility of that child support stopping soon, and what might your plans be in that event?
Recovery is a very slow and long process, waiting around for results to happen often keeps that anxiety at the surface.
Reality is, even if he does stop drugging now today, it will be a long time, maybe a year or more before he’s truly clear headed and able to function on a normal level.
Based on what you have shared, I would suggest you focus on you, your child and the possibility of that child support stopping soon, and what might your plans be in that event?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Honestly, I make enough money to support our child without his help. I work full time and make nearly 16$ / hour and my childcare is through family and they only charge 50-60$ a week. I don't absolutely even need his money at this point. Its just support paid so he is presenting some type of responsibility. Our daughter lives with me, in my apartment, just me, full time.
I was, up until I found out, and his relapse got to this point allowing our daughter to go with him on weekends. Obviously, at this point she will no longer be doing that.
So his plan of action is to go to meetings and remain sober. He is at 7 days sober now....ugh! I guess some progress is better than none.
MY plan of action is just as you said-
I need to refrain from pushing the relationship between them together.
Refrain from making contact with him.
He was coming to my apartment for the night and spending time with our daughter (I didn't mind in a way because I could still keep an eye on the situation) however, loving him as much as I do, and then him here for the night on my couch is also at the same time heart breaking for me. Making it impossible to let go. So I am considering also, not allowing him to see her at my home either and setting up a public arrangement for a few hours, supervised by me or someone I know and trust. I haven't decided on that as of yet.
I was, up until I found out, and his relapse got to this point allowing our daughter to go with him on weekends. Obviously, at this point she will no longer be doing that.
So his plan of action is to go to meetings and remain sober. He is at 7 days sober now....ugh! I guess some progress is better than none.
MY plan of action is just as you said-
I need to refrain from pushing the relationship between them together.
Refrain from making contact with him.
He was coming to my apartment for the night and spending time with our daughter (I didn't mind in a way because I could still keep an eye on the situation) however, loving him as much as I do, and then him here for the night on my couch is also at the same time heart breaking for me. Making it impossible to let go. So I am considering also, not allowing him to see her at my home either and setting up a public arrangement for a few hours, supervised by me or someone I know and trust. I haven't decided on that as of yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
It's just emotionally, a chaotic struggle for me. Seeing the track marks, as many as he had. I didn't comprehend he was at this point. How he is treating me is completely disgusting. Everything about this situation is just so disappointing, heart breaking, and I have no control. I don't want him to die, even if he spits venom at me and calls me every name in the book. He is still my daughters father and I do not want him dead. I have just become so codependent on him, our history is long and goes to so many depths of love. It really honestly shocks me we are even at this point. We are at each others throats, I am going crazy. Something has got to give. And I think that something is my care for his well being and relationship. This is destroying me. The hardest thing I have ever done.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You don't have to do everything at once, you don't have to "snap out of it" in a day. It takes time to process your feelings, and they will vary from anger and frustration to sadness and fear to feeling the peace of living away from the chaos. It takes time.
And you don't have to do it alone. You can come here and talk through it, you can find live meetings and connect with real life people who share your pain, and you can get counseling to help you through the tough days.
It won't be easy but it won't be any harder than it is when you live with active addiction.
Hugs and Hugs
And you don't have to do it alone. You can come here and talk through it, you can find live meetings and connect with real life people who share your pain, and you can get counseling to help you through the tough days.
It won't be easy but it won't be any harder than it is when you live with active addiction.
Hugs and Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Thank you for letting me know just to take it slow. It does truly feel so overwhelming. On top of my disappointment that I set this up for her life to have for a father, he used to my best friend. We were inseparable for close to 8 years. We lived together wherever we went, we worked at the same jobs, he even used to bring me on dates. We shared a bond that was incredible, and we always remained friends.
That's why I thought when I got pregnant that he would remain that way. He was an addict before I got pregnant, however he was nearly a year clean and sober living. Going to the gym, working a job that was going well, we were living together as roommates again...but one thing led to another and I got pregnant. We were both really excited and thought who better to share this experience with than our best friend.
A year and a half later, and here I am having to reach out for a strangers voice because I am too ashamed to speak with friends or family in person about where I am at. It has been a struggle to even remain his friend. Then after I fell in love with him, things just got worse and worse. Spun out of control and this is where I am. I just want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :'(
That's why I thought when I got pregnant that he would remain that way. He was an addict before I got pregnant, however he was nearly a year clean and sober living. Going to the gym, working a job that was going well, we were living together as roommates again...but one thing led to another and I got pregnant. We were both really excited and thought who better to share this experience with than our best friend.
A year and a half later, and here I am having to reach out for a strangers voice because I am too ashamed to speak with friends or family in person about where I am at. It has been a struggle to even remain his friend. Then after I fell in love with him, things just got worse and worse. Spun out of control and this is where I am. I just want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :'(
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
why is letting go so incredibly hard? :'(
When we think about the people we love in our lives, we often can't imagine a life without them. But what happens when you introduce drug addiction into this picture? What happens when the person we love is playing by one set of rules while we're playing by another? The sad truth is love is no match for drug addiction. We can love someone until the end of the world, and it won't make a difference if that person is in active drug addiction. They're incapable of absorbing that love and support. They are playing by a different set of rules that you are.
When confronted with the reality that we may have to separate ourselves from such a person, it's supposed to be difficult. It's supposed to hurt. And yet, what choice have they left us? If we stay attached to the addict, they'll pull us down with them. If we detach from the addict, we grieve and we mourn the absence of someone we love from our lives...but we reclaim our own lives in the process.
Sometimes one price to pay is more palatable than another price.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :'(
You are “getting it” seeing things you were unable to see before. Understanding things you didn’t understand before. Reaching out for support instead of keeping this toxic secret all to yourself. And in time you will feel at ease in sharing your story with your family and friends.
And of course you still have feelings for him but you are not naïve anymore. And just because we can’t have someone in our lives on a regular basis doesn’t mean we don’t love them, it means we are beginning to love and value ourselves more.
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