Myturn

I just found this forum today and have been reading a few stories that have made me feel better, then worse, and finally better again. However, I am still laying here, constantly thinking, making myself anxious and unable to sleep. I'm hoping for some advice or.. I don't know. Maybe I just need to let this out where it will be understood, hopefully.

My boyfriend of almost 5 years is a crack addict (I've always used the word crackhead which seems offensive now). I cannot get into our full relationship as that will take much longer. Some important details about my boyfriend is that he was once a drug dealer (mainly dealing crack). He was in prison for some time during our relationship and his addiction started about 1-2 months after his release from prison in the apartment I shared with an ex "client" of his turned "friend" of mine/ours. Said roommate was clean when we got the apartment but then started smoking and ended up being the person to get my boyfriend addicted. His inability to say no helped but why would anyone ask a person to smoke crack? I don't understand why somebody who knows the horrendous "side effects" of that drug would introduce it to a young man fresh out of prison. It's sickening. I hate this drug and my boyfriend loves it. How will this work?

I'm far from perfect myself... Shortly after I turned 21, I had a some what near death experience, met said boyfriend and kind of lost my mind. My mother is an alcoholic, my parents had a very nasty divorce when I was in my late teens. Completely out of character for me to live the life I did up until he left me for prison. I have since found my brain but will never forget how crack effects a person. I have seen all of the horrible things it does. I have helped an addict get their fix. I'm not proud of it but I know the life and I can't imagine him doing those things... but he did.

He's been on the road to recovery for 3-4 months. He was using for about 14-15 months with 8 of those months being very heavy use... As in him in a dope hole with a pipe to his mouth helping other users get high so he could hide his addiction from friends/family. Worst time of my life and I am truly happy it is over with and proud of the changes he has made for himself.

The kicker is... He didn't tell me it was crack until a couple of days ago. He told me, a family member, and a couple of friends that he has a powder cocaine addiction. No addiction is pretty but I think crack is one of the worst. I always knew it was crack but wanted to believe so badly it was coke. I convinced myself he was telling the truth about that. I was wrong... Right? I don't know anymore.

He has relapsed a few times, the most recent was a couple days ago. I knew it was happening as it happened. I knew his intentions when he got in the car that afternoon. I worry about his future with this drug but at the same time I feel like he has the strength to pull through. He has finally told me the truth and it does feel good. He has been more open with me in the last couple days than he has in the last year. We have even joked about the addiction in some ways. He feels better now and wants to gain control back of his life.

So... Why do I lay awake now with this anxious feeling in me? It wasn't like this when it was "just" a coke addiction. I felt relief when he first told me - almost vindicated. I was right this whole time.. I wasn't the crazy one making things up.. I knew he was smoking... I've seen him use coke and walk away from it. I've even used coke with him on numerous occasions. It wasn't coke and I knew it the whole time so why does him telling me the truth make me feel this way?

I hate the pictures going through my head of him sitting in a nasty efficiency apartment on a nasty couch with a pipe to his mouth all night. I cry when I think about him on our couch all night, paranoid, hit after hit, while I'm asleep in bed. How could this happen to him? It hurts so much more because it's crack. I need to understand why.

zoso77

Myturn...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm glad you took the step to post. Let's cut to the chase.

When young women such as yourself come to us in such a predicament, the most important question they should ask themselves is, Is this how I really want to live my life? In your case, you're 21 years old with a lot of years ahead of you. The probability that your ABF is going to embrace recovery is, statistically speaking, quite low.

One lesson we all learn, regardless of age, is a tough one: just because we love someone doesn't mean we should be with them. If you read the stories written by our resident wives and girlfriends about their husbands and boyfriends, they seldom have happy endings. These members have had to make the painful decision to leave the ones they love because it was too painful and too costly to stay.

So what I encourage you to do is educate yourself as to what you're up against. The more you know, the better able you'll be to make the best decision for yourself. And be mindful that what's best is not necessarily coterminous with what you want or what feels good.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

atalose

Often living in denial only makes finding the truth that much harder. The truth is now staring you in the face even though deep down you already knew.

Maybe the denial and false hope that it was “only cocaine” made the situation more hopeful to you for him to overcome.

Like Zoso said, educate yourself with FACTS about addiction, crack addiction, addict behaviors and not false hopes and never the addicts false words.

Actions mean everything words mean nothing.

AnvilheadII

crack doesn't just let people go. people may cycle thru heavier use and not so heavy, but until the addict makes DRASTIC changes in all areas of their lives, crack will win.

he used just a couple days ago. he's not getting BETTER. he's still using. it didn't happen TO him, like getting hit by a meteor, he intentionally time and again, picked up the pipe, and got high.

you are going to have to ask yourself some tough questions....because you are in a very tough spot. we are going to set aside the "but i love him" argument for now.

this is YOUR life. is THIS how you really want to be living it? with someone off at the crack house or on your couch, freaking peaking and tweeking? do you want drug use IN your home? by anyone? do you want all the sick vile creepy things that go hand in hand with crack use? cuz it is NOT going away....he is not making TREMENDOUS progress......

i was a crackhead, been clean for over 8 years now. so i know the lay of the land. and i know what it takes to quit and then STAY QUIT. and your BF is still deep in it's grip.

he's not exactly a role model for citizen of the year, with a prison record behind him, and a crack pipe in front of him.

he has to make choices. but so do you .

Myturn

I've read these replies a couple of times today. Each time I think of what to write and it always comes off as defending him which I cannot do (I will defend his progress from bad boy drug dealer to hard working man with a bright future, if not for the addiction). My post was more about me though, and how to calm down my racing thoughts. I know my original post went into venting a lot and maybe things got a little misconstrued.

For what it's worth, I am not 21. I will be 26 by the end of the year. I know I'm still young but the many, many things I learned between 21 and 25 will last my lifetime. One thing I have not mastered is my own anxiety and negative, racing thoughts.

He might not be 100% in recovery mode (he's not in any program but he's cut down his usage a lot (it's been about once a month since April of this year which is why I say relapse now when he does use) and he does want to get better) but he's come a long way and now that he has finally been honest with me I feel he will continue to get better. Or maybe he won't. Either way, I will be okay.

An addiction is an addiction. Whether it is to crack, powder, or even gambling... It is not good. The addiction takes over and nothing else matters. I am firmly aware of this. I learned it the hard way. The pain of watching my boyfriend lose himself to this addiction about ruined me. I had to pick up the pieces of my life and fix it.

I'm still working on myself. I have a lot to fix. I've thankfully learned about codependency recently and the definition is all me. Alcoholic mother, broken family and now dating a crack head. I'm still learning and all of your replies helped me realize, once again, I might still lose him to this and honestly, that's okay. I don't want to be with the person he was last year and I can't watch him lose himself again. If it ever comes back to that I know I have plenty of places to go before my life goes to hell again. The hardest thing for me to learn was that I cannot stop him from using and once that drug takes control I might as well not even exist to him.

I might not ever get the images of him smoking crack out of my head as long as we are together. But maybe there's something that can help me? I didn't sit around and think of him snorting the powder up his nose. This stigma I have against crack might end this relationship but I wanted to at least try and see if there was any advice for me.

Sara21

Hi Myturn,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you attended any meetings or received any type of counseling? The chaos that addiction brings into our lives can be very overwhelming. When my ex husband was using, I reached out for support (meetings, counseling, posting here on SR, etc). Addiction is a family disease. The addict becomes so sick, that by extension, those around them become sick too. I was going through anxiety, depression, guilt, etc. His addiction was driving me nuts.

Just like the addict has their recovery to work on, we also have to work on our own recovery too. If anyone knows what you're going through, it's the people on this forum. Their answers may be a little blunt sometimes, but believe me, they know what they are talking about and they are thinking about you own well being. Coming here was a huge wake up call for me and a much needed reality check. There were times when I wanted to defend my ex, but what he was doing was indefensible. Using was using, whether it was once a week or once a month. I figured anyone who was using drugs (and disrespecting me in the process) was not someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Hechosedrugs

Crack really is one helluva drug. Most who try it don't come back, or at least that's my understanding. I've never looked up the stats. I came back from it, though. I did it for about 3 months 11 years ago. I was in the military and quickly saw the grip it was gaining on me. I told my First Sergeant and asked if I could go to rehab. He told me if I really had a problem I would be refusing to go to rehab! I knew I wouldn't last another day. As I was leaving his office, a Sergeant told me to tie my hair up. I was so furious with the military- I'd simply had it. So I said, "NO!" She chased after me, and I ran up to my room in the barracks and closed the door. She and some other sergeants who'd followed her kept banging on my door. I took a sip of Nyquil and poured the rest down the drain. When they busted the door down I told them I'd drank the whole bottle and they needed to take me to the hospital or I'd die. I was put in a mental health unit, which doubled as rehab. It saved my life.

Weird story, I know, but when we really want help we'll do anything to get it. I doubt if I had continued using for even another month that I would have ever come out of it. But it has to be the user's choice. No one can do it for us.

Anyway, I'm glad that you're here. Please do read the postings on here. One thing you'll notice is that when we're sick (reverting back to codependency) we're often silent. I always know when a codependent has gone back to enabling their spouse/whatever because they fall off the face of the earth for a while. That's what I did when I went back to my addict husband. I stopped posting, stopped going to meetings. It's the same thing addicts do. But keep coming back. It works if you work it!

atalose

I think it comes down to your own perception of what you’ve envisioned a crack addict to be. It’s like people who associate alcoholism with someone living under a bridge in dirty clothes and drinking out of a brown paper bag.

It’s really not the drugs that make a drug addict. It’s the need to escape reality.

whyme1975

I know those sick anxious feelings so very well. That is the feeling of you being just as sick as he is. My husband took me down the rabbit hole several times before I said enough, and called the police on him and the court forced him into rehab. I'm so sorry to tell you that there is no cutting back on crack. Its not a drug you can use in moderation when you are listening to music with your buddies. It's the drug you hide in the closet to do because you're afraid you'll have to share. The drug you would steal and lie for. I was so emotionally and eventually physically sick from my husbands addiction that the only thing I could do to save myself is to call the police. The courts took it from there. He's has been sober for 2 years now (at least he says) but sometimes when he behavior goes irrational, I still get that sick feeling. Now, married with children, there is no easy way out. I wish I'd gotten out then.

WeakGirl

Welcome to the forum but I'm sorry you need to be here.

I understand why you want to defend him - you love him. That's something most of us understand all too well. That's why we're here.

You'll find replies are often terribly blunt. Here's something you should know - most people here are not saying that your boyfriend is "bad." But we can tell you the patterns of addiction. Addiction is addiction and it has some all too predictable patterns, despite how good the person in its grips might be.

That's why others have been quick to caution you and I will, too. Your chosen mate is your life partner. Your partner in life. Just as in business, your partner will have a lot of influence on the path you follow.

NarAnon's first step might be the most painful - We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Has life become unmanageable?

As far as the hang-up about crack, I don't think that's necessarily a stigma. Crack is different in some ways than other drugs. I've known casual cocaine users. You've been one, right? I've never met a casual crack user, but they might exist. That's just my experience.

Truth is, it doesn't matter why it bothers you that it's crack. It is NATURAL to be bothered by crack. It is self-defense, survival instinct, to be bothered by crack. You don't need to make peace with crack. I urge you NOT to try to do that. Being bothered by crack is a good thing.

All of that said, I'm sorry that someone you love is in crack's powerful grip. My brother is addicted to meth and I often ask myself "Why meth?" It's a pretty awful drug, too.

Wishing you peace!

Myturn

Thanks for the replies!

Yes, my life did become unmanageable for a long time (any amount of time going through that torture is a long time). I sit back and think of those days and wonder what I was thinking. I let him take everything from me. He almost destroyed my relationship with my family. That was the last straw for me.. Vehicles and credit can be fixed but I have nothing if I don't have my family.

I'm not exactly sure what being powerless over the addict means though. I would honestly like some explanation on this. I'm taking it as I had no power over him which is how my life became unmanageable. I guess accepting that if I choose to stay with this man, I run the risk of losing control over my own life again? Or at least having to start over parts of my life because I've decided that if I see warning signs of him going down that path again, I'm leaving. I know I can "decide" that now and change my mind later but I have to believe I have the strength to do what's right for me. I'm getting too old and time isn't slowing down for me.



Yes, I went through a phase of occasional cocaine use. It made me sick one night and I haven't touched it since. I do, however, smoke weed. Neither of those drugs could make me do what crack has made my boyfriend (and so many others do) so I completely understand that crack is different, I understand it too well. I know people that had different results with cocaine and weed. Ive seen plenty of younger people throw away years of their life because all they want to do is smoke weed and sit at home. I've seen cocaine addicts lose everything and still go around and beg, borrow, or steal. Addiction is bad whichever drug it is. But crack is on a different level (imo it's on the heroin and meth level, if I'm allowed to put them on levels). Weed and cocaine didn't make my boyfriend do what crack did. Crack can turn a wonderful person into an unrecognizable mess with just one hit. I've been told it's high is quick and powerful and you will always chase after the first one. I've heard and seen everything there is to know about this drug. There is not one redeeming quality whatsoever.

As much as I might want to desensitize myself to crack I don't think I will ever be able to. Thank you for making me feel okay about my feelings toward this drug.

Thankfully, I have also seen people recover from this drug and live very fulfilling lives. His mother and my father are two good examples of former (recovering? Even though it's been over a decade for one and two decades for the other) crack addicts. It gives me hope. Recovery is possible.

I don't believe my boyfriend is currently hindering me. He has a full time job (really a good career if he does things right) and a part time job. He came to me last week after spending $20 on crack while having $200 cash in his pocket he easily could have used. I was hoping he would confess. I knew he was high.. It's not a hard high to hide if you know the drug. It was the first time he confessed without me pulling it out of him. It was also the time he chose to confess his addiction was to crack. I watched him break his pipe and destroy his brillo (not saying he can't go buy another). My problem, and why I posted this, was because I felt I shouldn't hold that it's crack against him. I was willing to live with a cocaine addict but not a crack addict. Every person that replied to me has helped in some way and I really appreciate it.