Back in contact with ex...having a bad day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Back in contact with ex...having a bad day
Hi SR...I'm having a crap day today. Just need to vent/ask for advice or just any words of wisdom.
I was supposed to be going on a trip to Europe last week, but I got appendicitis 3 days before I was due to fly out and had to cancel the whole thing. I've just been in bed for the last week. Before the trip, I was finally starting to feel like I was in control - I had been NC with my ex, he had contacted me multiple times asking me to see him, and I stayed strong and said no every time. This holiday was supposed to be my big "escape", where I didn't have to think about my ex at all, it was all going to be so far away from me!
While I was in hospital he texted me, and I told him where I was. He was immediately so worried, and started telling me he loves me and wished he was there to make me feel better. I was in a tonne of pain and was really drugged up - feeling so vulnerable, so I just messaged him back "I love you too"...now the damage has been done
I was in hospital for 3 days and he messaged me the whole time and we spoke on the phone several times. I was really scared of having surgery because I've never had an operation before. He was comforting me. Then, he ignored me for most of the second day, and while I was drugged up on painkillers he called me at midnight and apologised - said his phone was flat and that he loved me and hoped I was alright. I was really out of it and believed him. The next day while I was waiting to go into surgery we spoke and he told me he'd used the night before. I felt betrayed and hurt, I couldn't believe he would do that while I was in that state. I told him not to speak to me anymore and that I didn't want him in my life if he was still using. Then he started sending angry texts, which I didn't reply to or look at, but when I did look he'd said "You're a joke. I f***ing hate you. No wonder I never told you when I used anything. Have fun in hospital" ... and I just cried and felt horrible.
I used some of the money I got back from travel insurance to buy a concert ticket, which my friend is going to. He's a mutual friend of me and my ex. He told me the other day that my ex and a group of people are going too, and that they're all going to be on drugs. So I now have to see my ex again with the added bonus of him being high. It's in two weeks, the thought of that is making me anxious too...
I'm so angry at myself for speaking to him. And I'm angry at him for making me feel so much worse when I was already in pain. Why did I even have to worry about what he was doing, when I should have been focusing on myself? He told me he loves me and said all the right things while I was feeling vulnerable, and now I feel like a wound has just been opened up and my progress has unravelled. I'm feeling heartsick, hurt and hopeless. I’m back to loving him because I let myself believe that he really loves me. But why would he? He doesn’t love me, he loves drugs. Drugs are always going to be more important than me. I don’t feel like I’m important to him at all. I’m not a priority in his life. I cried over him yesterday for the first time in weeks, besides when I was in hospital. Nothing went to plan, and now he has power over me again. We're back to not talking but I'm feeling so down and powerless. I guess I need someone to remind me that I'm in control of me, and nobody else. Addiction sucks!
I was supposed to be going on a trip to Europe last week, but I got appendicitis 3 days before I was due to fly out and had to cancel the whole thing. I've just been in bed for the last week. Before the trip, I was finally starting to feel like I was in control - I had been NC with my ex, he had contacted me multiple times asking me to see him, and I stayed strong and said no every time. This holiday was supposed to be my big "escape", where I didn't have to think about my ex at all, it was all going to be so far away from me!
While I was in hospital he texted me, and I told him where I was. He was immediately so worried, and started telling me he loves me and wished he was there to make me feel better. I was in a tonne of pain and was really drugged up - feeling so vulnerable, so I just messaged him back "I love you too"...now the damage has been done
I was in hospital for 3 days and he messaged me the whole time and we spoke on the phone several times. I was really scared of having surgery because I've never had an operation before. He was comforting me. Then, he ignored me for most of the second day, and while I was drugged up on painkillers he called me at midnight and apologised - said his phone was flat and that he loved me and hoped I was alright. I was really out of it and believed him. The next day while I was waiting to go into surgery we spoke and he told me he'd used the night before. I felt betrayed and hurt, I couldn't believe he would do that while I was in that state. I told him not to speak to me anymore and that I didn't want him in my life if he was still using. Then he started sending angry texts, which I didn't reply to or look at, but when I did look he'd said "You're a joke. I f***ing hate you. No wonder I never told you when I used anything. Have fun in hospital" ... and I just cried and felt horrible.
I used some of the money I got back from travel insurance to buy a concert ticket, which my friend is going to. He's a mutual friend of me and my ex. He told me the other day that my ex and a group of people are going too, and that they're all going to be on drugs. So I now have to see my ex again with the added bonus of him being high. It's in two weeks, the thought of that is making me anxious too...
I'm so angry at myself for speaking to him. And I'm angry at him for making me feel so much worse when I was already in pain. Why did I even have to worry about what he was doing, when I should have been focusing on myself? He told me he loves me and said all the right things while I was feeling vulnerable, and now I feel like a wound has just been opened up and my progress has unravelled. I'm feeling heartsick, hurt and hopeless. I’m back to loving him because I let myself believe that he really loves me. But why would he? He doesn’t love me, he loves drugs. Drugs are always going to be more important than me. I don’t feel like I’m important to him at all. I’m not a priority in his life. I cried over him yesterday for the first time in weeks, besides when I was in hospital. Nothing went to plan, and now he has power over me again. We're back to not talking but I'm feeling so down and powerless. I guess I need someone to remind me that I'm in control of me, and nobody else. Addiction sucks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Wow Sunny, life sure has thrown some curve balls at you. . . . hmm . . . make that super duper corkscrew balls. Just wow.
Another perspective here: you let him in when you were down and out, in pain, on drugs and scared. . . I think 99.99999% of us would have caved too. Please don't beat yourself up; what you did is entirely understandable. It just sucks because of the further pain - argh.
Also you are entirely right about him loving drugs more than you: a very unhappy truth that you seem to have courageously faced.
From this one post you seem to be a really amazing person. Please take care of this hurting, sick and wonderful person (that means you) with extra kindness. Treat her with gentleness.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. This is a huge blow but you are a fabulous woman who can get past this!
Another perspective here: you let him in when you were down and out, in pain, on drugs and scared. . . I think 99.99999% of us would have caved too. Please don't beat yourself up; what you did is entirely understandable. It just sucks because of the further pain - argh.
Also you are entirely right about him loving drugs more than you: a very unhappy truth that you seem to have courageously faced.
From this one post you seem to be a really amazing person. Please take care of this hurting, sick and wonderful person (that means you) with extra kindness. Treat her with gentleness.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. This is a huge blow but you are a fabulous woman who can get past this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, i see a couple things....you say you were NC but he was still able to contact you. if you BLOCK his number, then he can't have easy access to you. look up the TrueMessenger and TrueCaller apps, they allow you to block ANY number or text.
you also said you were "back into loving him" after some contact, because he SAID or TEXTED the words I Love You. but does LOVE really work like that? with an on and off switch? sometimes we are in LOVE with the idea of LOVE, not so much the person.
he's still doing what addicts do. that has not changed. he didn't get high BECAUSE you were about to have surgery.....he just.........got high.
and as for the concert......if it were ME, i'd skip it. gift or sell your ticket and keep your life "ex" free.
i hope you recover well from your surgery. take it easy.
you also said you were "back into loving him" after some contact, because he SAID or TEXTED the words I Love You. but does LOVE really work like that? with an on and off switch? sometimes we are in LOVE with the idea of LOVE, not so much the person.
he's still doing what addicts do. that has not changed. he didn't get high BECAUSE you were about to have surgery.....he just.........got high.
and as for the concert......if it were ME, i'd skip it. gift or sell your ticket and keep your life "ex" free.
i hope you recover well from your surgery. take it easy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Thank you so much Bekindalways. I really needed to hear everything you have said, I haven't even thought of it like that really. I will try to go easy on myself! You always have such kind & wise things to say to people on here in need of help, thank you xx
Anvilhead, you are so right. Love doesn't work like that. I know - I need to pay attention to what he's actually doing, not just what he's saying! They're just empty words. I guess it's not really a switch, I am always loving him somewhere deep down, but that's not the real him/the person he is now. I'm in love with the person he was years ago, before his addiction, and I guess that's just a fantasy now. I know him getting high had nothing to do with me, it just stung that he did it in that way! Wish he never contacted me. I will look into those number blocking apps, thank you.
OldTomato - thanks so much, I'm getting better every day! Selling the ticket is a good, sensible idea. It's a concert for one of my favourite artists though, sort of a once in a blue moon opportunity kind of a thing. I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't go. I'm trying to think of a good alternative to having to see him at all - even if I just go by myself and not with my friend! I'd hate to let him ruin one more thing I enjoy lol
Anvilhead, you are so right. Love doesn't work like that. I know - I need to pay attention to what he's actually doing, not just what he's saying! They're just empty words. I guess it's not really a switch, I am always loving him somewhere deep down, but that's not the real him/the person he is now. I'm in love with the person he was years ago, before his addiction, and I guess that's just a fantasy now. I know him getting high had nothing to do with me, it just stung that he did it in that way! Wish he never contacted me. I will look into those number blocking apps, thank you.
OldTomato - thanks so much, I'm getting better every day! Selling the ticket is a good, sensible idea. It's a concert for one of my favourite artists though, sort of a once in a blue moon opportunity kind of a thing. I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't go. I'm trying to think of a good alternative to having to see him at all - even if I just go by myself and not with my friend! I'd hate to let him ruin one more thing I enjoy lol
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
First off, I hope you are feeling better physically. That stinks that you had to miss your trip. I am very sorry.
My thought is that your addiction to him, and the affirmation he was giving you, is just like a drug. You had gone off it, but got weak, and then relapsed. Just like an addict. The reality is, your qualifier can be an addiction. And the only way to keep from relapsing, even during the hard times, is to completely abstain. That is the only way.
You have definitely not unraveled your progress. You had a set back. It does not remove all you have learned and know. Just like any other addiction, you hop right back on the wagon so to speak. Go completely NO CONTACT. None. Not even if someone dies. None. That is the only way. I say this gently b/c I know you are hurting and that it's hard.
Tight hugs. We are here for you.
My thought is that your addiction to him, and the affirmation he was giving you, is just like a drug. You had gone off it, but got weak, and then relapsed. Just like an addict. The reality is, your qualifier can be an addiction. And the only way to keep from relapsing, even during the hard times, is to completely abstain. That is the only way.
You have definitely not unraveled your progress. You had a set back. It does not remove all you have learned and know. Just like any other addiction, you hop right back on the wagon so to speak. Go completely NO CONTACT. None. Not even if someone dies. None. That is the only way. I say this gently b/c I know you are hurting and that it's hard.
Tight hugs. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’d skip the concert and go back to no contact – the right way and block him from contacting you.
Actions – not word – how come he didn’t come see you at the hospital, be by your side and comfort you in your time of need?
Reality vs fantasy……………
Actions – not word – how come he didn’t come see you at the hospital, be by your side and comfort you in your time of need?
Reality vs fantasy……………
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: England
Posts: 2,675
I see where you're coming from. If you see him there and it makes things worse it really won't be worth it. But if going on your own is an option and the likelihood of you seeing him is slim then go have fun! (I don't know which artist it is but if it's going to be busy then it shouldn't be a problem.)
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