hope778

My AH is in the process of getting his life back on track. Got a job, meetings, seeing a Dr, etc. I am detached. I feel very, very detached. Far gone. Many days we don't see each other due to our schedules. We text a few times. Many days I don't feel much of anything. Not just toward him, but in general. My days have to be focused on getting everything done that needs to be done and taking care of our child. I am too busy to "feel."

Will it ever be the same? Will the love ever return? Will I always have this immense, protective guard up? Will I always have that voice telling me to never enjoy things too much because this will likely backfire? Addiction is much stronger than me... So how can I ever feel at peace/comfortable again in our marriage? How could we remain married for years and years (if he remains sober) while remaining detached in order to protect myself from potential hurt?

Mountainmanbob

It took time for my wife to build back her trust in me after I sobered up. Didn't blame her for holding back for I had been a real drunk bugger. We went to counseling and today we both have 100 % trust in each other.
8 years sober Mountainman

hope778

That is beautiful to hear. I hope my story can mirror yours one day. I absolutely want (and need) to do some form of marriage counseling. I feel like I need to stand aside, though, right now while he is in early recovery. I understand that his recovery needs to be his #1 focus for any of this to work. When would you suggest marriage counseling might be the next step to take?

dandylion

hope.....I know that your question is directed, primarily, toward mountainmanbob. (He has such a good story to tell)....

I am going to add my 2cents here....and, say---that if he seems to be progressing in his recovery....wait at least one year before considering marriage counseling.....
That is not just my idea....it seems to be the advice based on the empirical observations of the millions of those who have walked before us......

During that time....I think it is also good advice to have a year of individual therapy of your own....getting your own "stuff" together...lol....we ALL have stuff!

Just a side note: Marriage counseling doesn't, in and of itself, "fix" a marriage.
The "fixing", if it occurs, happens between the couple, themselves. The therapist is just there to guide, as much as they can.....two people who really want to be together, and , are willing to do what it takes........

lol.....my 2cents on the matter....

dandylion

JOIE12

We trust them not to hurt us. We believe in them because that's what great relationships are made of. Both of those things are wounded with addiction (lies, used, not valued). It takes a lot of time to heal but first, perhaps you should try some counseling or soul searching to find where your heart is at. There is no failure if things don't work out. And no guarantee of happiness if you find the strength to try again. I wish you peace with your decision. It's not an easy road. Hugs to you, Joie

hope778

Dandylion - Add as many cents as you'd like They're very much so appreciated. 1 year makes sense. I do need therapy myself. I really do. I can't afford it right now. So I think I'm going to get back into Alanon (No Naranon meetings near me). It helped when I was going. Right now I'm in a small group at my church, but I really need to be around people who just "get" it. I think I might swap the small group for Alanon. I remember one word of advice when I was going was to not make any drastic decisions until after one year - This was when he was about to come home from rehab. Like you said!

hope778

Thank you, Joie - That's just it. I don't know if I can find the strength to try again. I feel spent. Stretched so thin. Plus he'll (likely) never understand or be able to acknowledge the emotional trauma he's put me through, so I feel like that may always linger. Here I am rambling again. Thank you so much for your words

dandylion

hope778.....you can find free counseling from the local dv (domestic abuse) organizations. You qualifify if it was emotional abuse..just as much as physical abuse. This stuff leaves wounds on the inside....and it needs special type of help from those who know what they are doing.......
Do not do without the help you need! It is available at little or no cost.....

There are also great self-help books.....and, you can get them free from the library or on amazon.com....usually, very cheap, if you go for the used copies (like I do)....lol....

I think that o ne of the biggest problems that people make is not to get enough professional help.......

dandylion

StormiNormi

My husband and I run a small group for our church. There are approximately 12-16 members on a weekly basis. All but two are also either AA or AlAnon. We get 'it' together. As a Christian, I find AA too watered down for me (although I do understand why that needs to be)


Perhaps phone some of your local churches to find a similar group in your community.

JOIE12

Please continue seeking a way to sort this all out. Dandylion offers info for options. Only you are able to decide if you wish to work on a relationship but it would come after he has been clean for a year. Thru some really sad experiences, I can see now when things are just broken and I need to focus on the help to take care of myself.

I'm sorry that you are going thru this but I do understand how you feel. I wish you strength and good things.
Hugs, Joie

Ann

I also feel that if you get some good support for your issues, you will find the clarity to find your own way again.

Time will tell you more but right now feeling numb stalls your own recovery.

Healing takes years, trust takes a long time and work too for both of you.

Sometimes the damage can be repaired, sometimes it is so broken that the pieces won't fit anymore.

Giving yourself time to heal while he grows in his recovery too is a darn good start.

Hugs

hope778

I had no idea this was an option. I am going to look into it. Thank you! I also have been looking for a reason to get a library card to our new library right down the road. Think you just gave me a reason. Thank you.

hope778

I just started the small group about a month ago, and in their defense I have not built up enough courage to share this part of my life yet. It's one of those scenarios where some of them seem to have it all together (ignorant of me to think that, I know) so I'm scared to even bring it up. That's my fault, and something I need to do. I can't expect results and help if I don't ask for it, right?

I actually was introduced to Alanon by someone in my church. I reached out to my church about what I am going through, and they had this lady contact me. We met, and she lead me to my first Alanon meeting. She was a great contact for me, and the peace I felt at Alanon has been unmatched so far. She is a great Christian leader and friend, and also has personal experience with loving addicts/alcoholics. So I feel if I can get back in contact with her and back into Alanon I can have a good Christian support system. Just a thought.

hope778

Thank you, Joie, for your encouragement. I think part of my problem is focusing on the many tasks of each day and finding no time to work on myself by reading, talking to friends/family, counseling, etc. I am going to try to refocus back on that. I've been distracted by the negative feelings/impacts that have come as a result of mine and my husband's struggles... That obviously will lead me nowhere good.

hope778

You all have encouraged me to keep trying, so I will. Thank you. I'm going to look into counseling options. Even if it's just one night per week. I plan start reading literature to help also.

This is the hard one. Trust. I'm not sure how to regain trust in him if I'm fighting the idea of believing what he tells me, believing he is where he says he is, believing he's staying the course, etc. Fighting this comes from me trying to prevent myself from being hurt again. I guess I can't really protect myself from that, even if I think I can. It will happen if it's going to happen. What I can choose is to believe him, believe he's working on his recovery, and let time tell the tale...

hope778

Well, he relapsed. For a couple of days he says. That is why the trust just won't stick around. Surprisingly (or not surprisingly) I am not as emotionally traumatized this time around. Again, I think I am spent. Maybe I taught myself to expect it. He has an appointment in a couple of days to get back on track. Hates that he did this. Let himself down. Wants to be free from this. I believe him, just can't make it happen myself.

Back to me.. I have already been in contact with a few counseling offices around town and am working to get something set up for myself. Remaining detached as I do not know where our road will lead just yet...

Thank you, everyone.

hopeful4

I am sorry he relapsed, but really glad to hear you are looking for ways to stay detatched and have support for you! That's so important.

And remember, here at SR we are here for you always!

For myself, I believe that there were times my X did truly hate what he had done. Thing is, he kept doing it. It was too much for me. But...it took a long, long time to get there. Remember, you don't have to decide to do anything for today except the best you can, for YOU!

Hugs.

Hechosedrugs

I hate to say I saw this coming- it seems recovery is all too often the exception, not the rule. I didn't want to hurt you with a negative warning, but now I'm wondering if I should have. It sounds like you've detached enough to the point where you were expecting this, anyway, so I suppose it wasn't necessary. This is the point I was at a while back. I'd detached long ago and was no longer surprised by my STBX's relapses, betrayals, and what have you. Then I came to the realization that detachment wasn't enough, that I had to disengage. The trust was broken long ago, and he's been broken for even longer. I couldn't see myself spending another moment in his insanity.

I can't tell by your post if you're "discovering" he's using or if he's being honest with you about it. If it's the latter, then that is, at least, something. My STBX (and many others like him) will never admit to using, even when a positive drug test is staring back at them. Admitting the problem is half the battle (or I suppose 1/12).

Anyway, best of luck to you. You deserve happiness.

hope778

This is a great reminder, thank you. I suppose I'll know when enough is enough as far as what I can and can't handle. I may be getting close to that point as much as I hate to say it. I believe he hates his addiction as much as I do, but again I can do nothing about it. Thank you for responding.

hope778

Thank you! Yes, I learned long ago to not get my hopes up, because relapse is bound to happen. I hate to sound negative too, but just being realistic. I once was very naive and just knew he'd beat the odds, because he's my husband and our life wasn't going to be affected by addiction like others... I've come to learn otherwise since then. I was brought back down to earth real quick.

He told me when he relapsed this time. Says he hid it from everyone, and hurt himself more than anyone because he wants this sobriety. I hope he wants it bad enough. For now, I will focus on what I can control, and that is treatment, healing, and growth for myself. I hope he follows suit, but I must never forget that I cannot cause that to happen.

Thank you so much!