sunny053

Last week I went no-contact with my addict ex. It was hard, but I felt like it was the only way to actually move on. In the days that followed I started to get my sanity back. I felt less isolated, I started to stop blaming myself for everything that happened, and I was even going out and seeing friends. It was the first time I have genuinely felt ok and at peace with everything.

Then he rang me on Sunday night. I was extremely wary and was going to keep the conversation short, but he was in such a horrible state. He said he'd just gotten an email saying he had failed his uni course. This is a course he's spent $5000 on and basically completely stopped going to classes or submitting assignments because of his drug use. I can't say I was surprised - it was a long time coming, I'm not really sure why he was surprised either. But it's like everything had just hit him, all of the bad decisions he had made and everything he'd lost. It was even more sad because he'd just started to get clean...hadn't used in over 3 weeks, was getting counselling and medication. He cried and said the worst thing he had ruined was our relationship, and he couldn't believe he lost me. He said he just wanted to be with me more than anything, get back together, get completely clean, fix up his life and just be with me. I was too scared to hang up the phone because he said he was genuinely worried he might kill himself.

I was crying because I didn't want to let myself get hurt. I said to him...I can't trust you or do that, I'm too scared you don't mean it and you're going to hurt me. But he sounded so sure, and I opened my heart up again and let him back into it.

We started talking again normally for the next 2 days. He managed to get an extension on his assignments and I spent all Monday helping him with them - we got them all done and handed in. Then on Tuesday we were chatting on the phone and he said "I love you" and I said "I love you too...so what now? How are we going to be together and make this work?"

And he had absolutely no recollection of saying any of that stuff to me. Turns out he used on Friday night, which carried through to the night he called me. And he doesn't want to be together. I guess now that he's not going to fail uni and I've helped him get through it, he doesn't need me anymore.

Stupid me...feeling broken and back to square one. It seems like a pretty timeless story with addiction...I just want to know if this has happened to anyone else, and how did you get through it? How did you stay strong? I feel even worse than before, because I was starting to make progress and he took that away from me. It feels like I've been re-traumatised with the grief/loss stage of getting over the relationship and I don't feel strong enough to get through this again.

JennaRoseMadre

I'm so sorry. You have such a good heart. I understand about not feeling strong enough to (whatever); I have felt that way myself. I have started seeing a therapist this past spring, and talking to her helps . It's not the same as talking to a friend or relative. The therapist is completely objective and it's more my monologue than a conversation. She participates only to draw out more information from me, not to talk about herself. An hour a week, all about me. Whether I've had a good week or struggled, it's my time. If you have insurance or can afford it, I suggest you give it a try. I see an LCSW (not a psychologist). I find her to be more down to earth and does not act like a know it all doctor. Also I have confided in one very good friend all that's going on in my life, and a lot of what's going on to another good friend. It helps to have at least a couple of people who know what you're facing. They know that if they call me and I don't answer or don't return their call, I'm not being rude. I'm just having a bad couple of days, and I'll get in touch as soon as I'm able. One of them has been sending a text to me every day such "Love you, girlfriend. I'm here whenever you want" or "love you, thinking of you today". Those messages mean a lot to me. So if you have a therapist or good friend or family member you can share with, please do. And on this site people really do care and respond and even though everyone's details are different, everyone does understand and wants to sympathize and give great advice.

sunny053

Thank you Jenna that really means a lot and I really needed to hear that stuff. That's great that you have such supportive friends. I've been seeing a counsellor which has been really helpful. This has just really thrown me. Thanks for the advice

Sunshine1234

Ugh I know the feeling to feel so up and down. I have days where I feel over my husband and ready to move on and I'm so confident in my feelings and then the next day I feel so weak and feeling like I want him back. I guess it's just part of the healing process...try to just take each day at a time. Every morning I wake up and say I can do this and it's going to be a better day. Give your heart time to heal. Great advice to see a therapist...I've started seeing one and it helps to just be able to talk to someone while you sort out your feelings. You may feel like he has put you back to square one but you are probably further along than you realize. When they treat us so poorly they make it easier for us to move on. Hang in there xx

sunny053

Thanks sunshine, best of luck with your husband too. You're right about taking it one day at a time, that's all I'm able to do right now. And I hope I can move on more easily soon, just getting through this stage really sucks. Thanks for the advice

JOIE12

They are addicted to a drug.

We become addicted to them. Codependent and enabling.

They satisfy our craving for the words, temporary 'love' and we 'fix' everything for them. Who's rewarding whom ?

Are you happy in this cycle ?

Brilynn

Oh my gosh I am going through a very similar situation with my ex. You have no idea what comfort it is to me to know that I am not alone. Thank you.

sunny053

I think you've come to a good place Brilynn. I only found SR about a month ago but reading through everyone's stories has seriously helped me to actually understand everything about what addiction and co-dependence is. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a crappy situation! It's really hard but you're definitely not alone in it and talking helps. Feel free to message me if you want to have a chat about it. Otherwise just keep reading through this forum, talking to friends, family, whoever you need! I actually just read your post on the forum and yep, we're in a really similar boat.

I'm taking things a day at a time right now. Just saw a counsellor today for the third time and found it really re-asurring and helpful. You can and will get through this - hugs to you and best of luck.

sunny053

No, I'm not happy in this cycle one bit...I want out! And I'm working through it one day at a time. You are so right in that everything about their words and love is temporary. Thanks for the reassurance.

Brilynn

I just joined earlier today so I am still learning the ropes of using this website. haha But seriously I would love a chat if you want to ever vent. I am curious about more of your background and how you are handling it. How long were you two together before you split? Do you still follow him on social media? ...etc

Also I have a suggestion for you that makes me feel better. When my grandma passed, I was given one of her rings she used to wear for fun. My grandpa left my grandma when my grandma was 21 and pregnant. My grandma basically raised my dad as a young single adult. Every time I get sad about my ex boyfriend I look down at that ring on my hand and feel a sense of strength, because I am reminded that I have the blood of a strong, independent woman in me. I advise finding something like my ring that you can look at to remind you to stay strong when you get sad.

Much love, xoxo
Brilynn

teatreeoil007

Hang in there sunny.. Sending positive vibes your way...xoxo