Needing Strength, please help
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Needing Strength, please help
I'm in tears right now. My son came to me and said his Dad told him the reason why his mom and dad argue is because of him.
What do I do?????
I'm sick to my stomach. I'm scared. Do I tell him to leave? What if he won't leave like before? Should I just present him with divorce papers? Please help me through this.
He withdrew or charged a total of 1,000. In the month of March. Going to a Kava bar. He clearly isn't in recovery anymore nor using H but now Kava which is legal. I don't know what to do. Attorney says I shouldn't leave the home. I need strength right now. Please give me guidance
What do I do?????
I'm sick to my stomach. I'm scared. Do I tell him to leave? What if he won't leave like before? Should I just present him with divorce papers? Please help me through this.
He withdrew or charged a total of 1,000. In the month of March. Going to a Kava bar. He clearly isn't in recovery anymore nor using H but now Kava which is legal. I don't know what to do. Attorney says I shouldn't leave the home. I need strength right now. Please give me guidance
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mama...
Deep breath...I know your adrenaline is off the charts right now, but we need to settle you down a bit. Slow, deep breaths...
All I will tell you is this: you know what is best for you, and what is best for your son. You've spent enough time here to know what it is you're dealing with and what your future would be like if you maintain the status quo. Your AH will not change.
Based on that, follow your inner compass and do what is necessary to protect yourself and your son. No more games. No more bullsh!t. Take decisive action.
As an aside...I think what your AH said to your son is beyond the pale...
Deep breath...I know your adrenaline is off the charts right now, but we need to settle you down a bit. Slow, deep breaths...
All I will tell you is this: you know what is best for you, and what is best for your son. You've spent enough time here to know what it is you're dealing with and what your future would be like if you maintain the status quo. Your AH will not change.
Based on that, follow your inner compass and do what is necessary to protect yourself and your son. No more games. No more bullsh!t. Take decisive action.
As an aside...I think what your AH said to your son is beyond the pale...
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Just spoke to husband he is mad because I questioned him....said I need to give him the benefit of the doubt that he would never say anything like that. Says son is just making things up. Son has told stories before. Son has told me things about his dad because he wants to get his dad in trouble
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz 
Just spoke to husband he is mad because I questioned him....said I need to give him the benefit of the doubt that he would never say anything like that. Says son is just making things up. He has told stories before. Son has told me things about his dad because he wants to get his dad in trouble
In other words, Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?
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My problem is making a decision and sticking to it. I really need to find strength. I wish he would just leave but that would be way too easy. It's going to get ugly and I don't want that for my boys. Can I get a restraining order based on his use of Kava? I don't think so
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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mama,
I'm not an expert on the ins and outs on what constitutes a valid RO. Our other members will have to walk you through that.
On the other hand, I'm pretty good at making decisions and sticking with them. One thing I can tell you, mama, is any decision you make is going to carry a price. That's just how things go. Another thing I can tell you is you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your sons. At this moment, they are depending on you to make those decisions. I know you know what is best for them and for you. You know this in your gut. So all you need to do, mama, is follow through.
How your AH reacts is not your concern. He checked out of your marriage a long time ago. And since this is true, you should not consider yourself shackled to him when he has blatantly and unapologetically compromised the vitality of your union.
We've got your back here, mama. You're not alone, not by a long shot. Do what's best...
I'm not an expert on the ins and outs on what constitutes a valid RO. Our other members will have to walk you through that.
On the other hand, I'm pretty good at making decisions and sticking with them. One thing I can tell you, mama, is any decision you make is going to carry a price. That's just how things go. Another thing I can tell you is you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your sons. At this moment, they are depending on you to make those decisions. I know you know what is best for them and for you. You know this in your gut. So all you need to do, mama, is follow through.
How your AH reacts is not your concern. He checked out of your marriage a long time ago. And since this is true, you should not consider yourself shackled to him when he has blatantly and unapologetically compromised the vitality of your union.
We've got your back here, mama. You're not alone, not by a long shot. Do what's best...
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Feeling a bit calmer now, thank you Zoso. He wants to go to marriage counseling...Ha what a joke. He wants to fix things with us but will never look at himself.... his lying, spending money behind my back.
He didn't speak to me for almost 2 days because he is mad I won't euthanize my dog. Doggy has dementia and I'm trying all options before I put him down.
He didn't speak to me for almost 2 days because he is mad I won't euthanize my dog. Doggy has dementia and I'm trying all options before I put him down.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
Feeling a bit calmer now, thank you Zoso. He wants to go to marriage counseling...Ha what a joke. He wants to fix things with us but will never look at himself.... his lying, spending money behind my back.
He didn't speak to me for almost 2 days because he is mad I won't euthanize my dog. Doggy has dementia and I'm trying all options before I put him down.
He didn't speak to me for almost 2 days because he is mad I won't euthanize my dog. Doggy has dementia and I'm trying all options before I put him down.
If you're in contact with any of our resident ladies, don't hesitate to reach out to them for support. They've been through the wars as well. If they can get through the wars and survive, you can, too.
Keep me posted, mama. Be safe.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
You've got a lot on your plate, mama. Anyone in your shoes would be stressed out.
If you're in contact with any of our resident ladies, don't hesitate to reach out to them for support. They've been through the wars as well. If they can get through the wars and survive, you can, too.
Keep me posted, mama. Be safe.
If you're in contact with any of our resident ladies, don't hesitate to reach out to them for support. They've been through the wars as well. If they can get through the wars and survive, you can, too.
Keep me posted, mama. Be safe.
And sorry for the incredible amount of venting. Lol
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Oh Momma, I hear your stress and anxiety loud and clear.
I know those first steps are super hard, and making decisions is hard. Have you spoken w/an attorney? I know for myself, that alone made me feel much more in charge of my own choices and life. I knew what to expect, which made me feel more in control.
I know you want him to change, but the reality is, he won't. It will always be something. When you parent with someone you do still have to have contact with them. I did a lot of wheeling and dealing in the beginning to get some extra things in place to protect my children. I got him to agree to put those things into the divorce decree. Believe me, he wishes he would not have now, but it's there, thank goodness.
I think it's also important to know you don't have to do anything this very second. Are your kids in counseling? I would make that happen, pronto. And for yourself too. Detatch, focus on you, what you need to get through the day.
Many, many hugs to you my friend.
I know those first steps are super hard, and making decisions is hard. Have you spoken w/an attorney? I know for myself, that alone made me feel much more in charge of my own choices and life. I knew what to expect, which made me feel more in control.
I know you want him to change, but the reality is, he won't. It will always be something. When you parent with someone you do still have to have contact with them. I did a lot of wheeling and dealing in the beginning to get some extra things in place to protect my children. I got him to agree to put those things into the divorce decree. Believe me, he wishes he would not have now, but it's there, thank goodness.
I think it's also important to know you don't have to do anything this very second. Are your kids in counseling? I would make that happen, pronto. And for yourself too. Detatch, focus on you, what you need to get through the day.
Many, many hugs to you my friend.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Oh Momma, I hear your stress and anxiety loud and clear.
I know those first steps are super hard, and making decisions is hard. Have you spoken w/an attorney? I know for myself, that alone made me feel much more in charge of my own choices and life. I knew what to expect, which made me feel more in control.
I know you want him to change, but the reality is, he won't. It will always be something. When you parent with someone you do still have to have contact with them. I did a lot of wheeling and dealing in the beginning to get some extra things in place to protect my children. I got him to agree to put those things into the divorce decree. Believe me, he wishes he would not have now, but it's there, thank goodness.
I think it's also important to know you don't have to do anything this very second. Are your kids in counseling? I would make that happen, pronto. And for yourself too. Detatch, focus on you, what you need to get through the day.
Many, many hugs to you my friend.
I know those first steps are super hard, and making decisions is hard. Have you spoken w/an attorney? I know for myself, that alone made me feel much more in charge of my own choices and life. I knew what to expect, which made me feel more in control.
I know you want him to change, but the reality is, he won't. It will always be something. When you parent with someone you do still have to have contact with them. I did a lot of wheeling and dealing in the beginning to get some extra things in place to protect my children. I got him to agree to put those things into the divorce decree. Believe me, he wishes he would not have now, but it's there, thank goodness.
I think it's also important to know you don't have to do anything this very second. Are your kids in counseling? I would make that happen, pronto. And for yourself too. Detatch, focus on you, what you need to get through the day.
Many, many hugs to you my friend.
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Location: W Washington
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do me a favor....when your child comes to you with some "secret" or something about dad, keep it between you two. by you going BACK to the source and confronting AH, that puts a target on your kid. he needs to know he can tell you ANYTHING and you will keep it SACRED. he already feels like he's the problem.....and he's thrown into between the adults.
if you need to find strength, then look no further than your children. do what is best FOR THEM. for their safety, security and happiness. it shouldn't be too tough a call to make. NOW is the time for action. but taken with careful steps. try not to engage with the AH, and dear god don't tell him you went to file divorce papers. OR that you are considering counseling for the KIDS. you need a cool level head.
if you need to find strength, then look no further than your children. do what is best FOR THEM. for their safety, security and happiness. it shouldn't be too tough a call to make. NOW is the time for action. but taken with careful steps. try not to engage with the AH, and dear god don't tell him you went to file divorce papers. OR that you are considering counseling for the KIDS. you need a cool level head.
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Good for you. A plan is good. I second what Anvil said. I have learned the hard way. My X has said all sorts of lies about what my kids have said or not said.
I hate to say this, but how much is the home worth to you? How much equity is in it? Is it worth all the trauma of staying?
I look at how much I ended up paying, as I was so desperate to keep my house. In the end, I think I wish I would have just went with selling it and starting fresh.
It's different circumstance by circumstance of course. I certainly would be keeping track of the financial abuse. $1000 per month on this? Wow. It's so nuts the stuff they make legal. I am glad you are finding a counselor. That's important. Try one out, and if you don't like him or her, try out another. Counseling has been a God send for my girls.
You can only do so much. Many hugs!
I hate to say this, but how much is the home worth to you? How much equity is in it? Is it worth all the trauma of staying?
I look at how much I ended up paying, as I was so desperate to keep my house. In the end, I think I wish I would have just went with selling it and starting fresh.
It's different circumstance by circumstance of course. I certainly would be keeping track of the financial abuse. $1000 per month on this? Wow. It's so nuts the stuff they make legal. I am glad you are finding a counselor. That's important. Try one out, and if you don't like him or her, try out another. Counseling has been a God send for my girls.
You can only do so much. Many hugs!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
do me a favor....when your child comes to you with some "secret" or something about dad, keep it between you two. by you going BACK to the source and confronting AH, that puts a target on your kid. he needs to know he can tell you ANYTHING and you will keep it SACRED. he already feels like he's the problem.....and he's thrown into between the adults.
if you need to find strength, then look no further than your children. do what is best FOR THEM. for their safety, security and happiness. it shouldn't be too tough a call to make. NOW is the time for action. but taken with careful steps. try not to engage with the AH, and dear god don't tell him you went to file divorce papers. OR that you are considering counseling for the KIDS. you need a cool level head.
if you need to find strength, then look no further than your children. do what is best FOR THEM. for their safety, security and happiness. it shouldn't be too tough a call to make. NOW is the time for action. but taken with careful steps. try not to engage with the AH, and dear god don't tell him you went to file divorce papers. OR that you are considering counseling for the KIDS. you need a cool level head.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Good for you. A plan is good. I second what Anvil said. I have learned the hard way. My X has said all sorts of lies about what my kids have said or not said.
I hate to say this, but how much is the home worth to you? How much equity is in it? Is it worth all the trauma of staying?
I look at how much I ended up paying, as I was so desperate to keep my house. In the end, I think I wish I would have just went with selling it and starting fresh.
It's different circumstance by circumstance of course. I certainly would be keeping track of the financial abuse. $1000 per month on this? Wow. It's so nuts the stuff they make legal. I am glad you are finding a counselor. That's important. Try one out, and if you don't like him or her, try out another. Counseling has been a God send for my girls.
You can only do so much. Many hugs!
I hate to say this, but how much is the home worth to you? How much equity is in it? Is it worth all the trauma of staying?
I look at how much I ended up paying, as I was so desperate to keep my house. In the end, I think I wish I would have just went with selling it and starting fresh.
It's different circumstance by circumstance of course. I certainly would be keeping track of the financial abuse. $1000 per month on this? Wow. It's so nuts the stuff they make legal. I am glad you are finding a counselor. That's important. Try one out, and if you don't like him or her, try out another. Counseling has been a God send for my girls.
You can only do so much. Many hugs!
Honestly I really don't want the home...the money from the home is not an issue. It's pulling my children from their home, uprooting them. My attorney said it will not look "good" in court if I leave with my kids and take them away from their home. Says it could ruin my chance of receiving majority of custody of my kids otherwise I'd move out in a heart beat
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In that case, I would follow the orders of the attorney, as hard as that may be. The thing is, your attorney knows the local judges and sees what is typical in your jurisdiction. For that reason, if it's a reputable attorney, I would absolutely follow the direction they give you.
I know when I was in my house w/my X, I had to detatch as much as possible. It was easier in the warm months, lots of outdoor activities. My kids are involved with a lot of stuff, so I made sure we were gone, a lot. It was tiring for me and for the kids, but it was what had to be done during that time to get through and coexist in a chaotic home.
Hugs to you.
I know when I was in my house w/my X, I had to detatch as much as possible. It was easier in the warm months, lots of outdoor activities. My kids are involved with a lot of stuff, so I made sure we were gone, a lot. It was tiring for me and for the kids, but it was what had to be done during that time to get through and coexist in a chaotic home.
Hugs to you.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
In that case, I would follow the orders of the attorney, as hard as that may be. The thing is, your attorney knows the local judges and sees what is typical in your jurisdiction. For that reason, if it's a reputable attorney, I would absolutely follow the direction they give you.
I know when I was in my house w/my X, I had to detatch as much as possible. It was easier in the warm months, lots of outdoor activities. My kids are involved with a lot of stuff, so I made sure we were gone, a lot. It was tiring for me and for the kids, but it was what had to be done during that time to get through and coexist in a chaotic home.
Hugs to you.
I know when I was in my house w/my X, I had to detatch as much as possible. It was easier in the warm months, lots of outdoor activities. My kids are involved with a lot of stuff, so I made sure we were gone, a lot. It was tiring for me and for the kids, but it was what had to be done during that time to get through and coexist in a chaotic home.
Hugs to you.
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prayers hugs and Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and Don't Stop.
love from wisconsin
love from wisconsin
Originally Posted by zoso77
mama...
Deep breath...I know your adrenaline is off the charts right now, but we need to settle you down a bit. Slow, deep breaths...
All I will tell you is this: you know what is best for you, and what is best for your son. You've spent enough time here to know what it is you're dealing with and what your future would be like if you maintain the status quo. Your AH will not change.
Based on that, follow your inner compass and do what is necessary to protect yourself and your son. No more games. No more bullsh!t. Take decisive action.
As an aside...I think what your AH said to your son is beyond the pale...
Deep breath...I know your adrenaline is off the charts right now, but we need to settle you down a bit. Slow, deep breaths...
All I will tell you is this: you know what is best for you, and what is best for your son. You've spent enough time here to know what it is you're dealing with and what your future would be like if you maintain the status quo. Your AH will not change.
Based on that, follow your inner compass and do what is necessary to protect yourself and your son. No more games. No more bullsh!t. Take decisive action.
As an aside...I think what your AH said to your son is beyond the pale...
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