CaringScared

I've never liked this term, but gosh. I'm having a lot of trouble thinking logically about the relationship with my ex.

What does it mean when someone confesses to you, "I didn't mean that (a hurtful comment), I'm just trying to manipulate you" and YOU still feel guilty and like you're not doing right by them?

It messes with my head.

I don't think I've been perfect in every way with him either--and certainly have had trouble with honestly expressing what my fears are and how it feels to be on the receiving end of all of this...

When he was off of crack for three months once (in another state) he started off telling me that when he was on it, he was in a fog. Then I could almost vividly see and hear him starting to romance it. I shrugged it off when some of you told me that the person I loved wasn't going to be there anymore. I love him just as he is now but I SURE DO know what people meant...he has changed in his behaviors, a lot, in every way. His ups and downs can make him pretty mean.

Yet here I sit, inhibited from fully proceeding with my life WHEN the benefits of not being shackled to his situation are palpable to me. I'm going to keep going...I'm starting to believe in codependency.

Chino

I think it means you feel guilty for not doing right by you.

Google "codependency and projection". It's an eye opener.

CaringScared

Interesting.

hopeful4

I think it means you are codependent and need to evaluate what you want, need, and DESERVE from a relationship.

Many hugs.

zoso77

There's a fine line one has to tread when it comes to all sorts of relationships.

I think romantic relationships are a lot of work, and that's because in order for one to be successful, a lot of self monitoring is required. You have to do right by yourself while concurrently doing right by the one you're with. It's a balancing act. If you're doing right by the other person at the expense of yourself, then that's a problem. That's when codependency can blossom.

I find myself these days in a pretty good situation. My girlfriend is exceedingly grateful for what I do for her, and she's also emotionally generous and giving herself. And we've spend a lot of time establishing a level of trust and emotional intimacy that's independent of our sex life. We are what we are as people, warts and all, and we work within those parameters while not trying to change the other.

It look a lot of stumbling and fumbling to get to that place, though. I had to go through nonsense with my AXGF. I had to look at myself, my behavior, and my choices, and that wasn't necessarily easy. But it was necessary for me to do so to get to a better, healthier place. I'm enjoying the benefits of that now.

So if you don't like what you're doing, you can change it. It's not easy. But then again, what is?

AnvilheadII

there are worse things than being codependent! at least it's treatable!!!

Ax Murderer
Serial Killer
Spawn of Satan

teatreeoil007

As anvil wrote, co-dependency is very treatable. You can "unlearn" learned things. I finally came to realize I have been a co-dependent much of my life and even when I first came to realize this about myself, I still struggled in recovering from it. It's still a work in progress. I don't blame myself for this trait, however. I didn't stand a chance really, growing up in an alcoholic family in which the alcoholism was treated in a very dysfunctional way. I watched my mother say many wrong things to my father and watched how she dealt with his drinking. Nag, nag, nag...until the nagging became an ugly, repetitive, fight in front of us kids...it was AWFUL!! And I wouldn't wish it on other children. He DID quit drinking at about the same time she STOPPED nagging....BUT then he became a dry drunk...he had happy, good moments, but still had a lot of sadness inside; wounds that never really healed. He did not get professional help; he didn't take meds. But he should have done both. My mom was depressed at times and she had different ways of dealing with life and grief; hers just wasn't with drinking, it was by being a co-dependent. Don't get me wrong here: both parents: good people. And these issues are things I wasn't allowed to talk about for many years, but can now openly talk about. I tend to be a softy when it comes to people, but I also tend to be an enabler.

CaringScared

I am sorry for the late reply. Thank you all SO, SO much for the wise words.

Zoso, "that's when codependency can blossom"--so well put. I think I have lost all sense of "deserving" in a relationship. I question myself, but not the dynamic that is making me question myself, if that makes any sense.

I think I really have to work on going no contact again.

Anvil, THANK YOU for making me laugh...

teatree, thank you for sharing that. I grew up in an alcoholic household as well. My ex grew up in a household where drugs were thrown into the mix. I think we both have a lot of work to do in terms of figuring out the right way to do life...

Bekindalways

Caringscared, it sounds like you are ahead of the curve in that you are really thinking about what is going on in your relationship.