why do addicts hurt the ones they love
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Healthy people don't allow someone to hurt them over and over, no matter how much we love the person. Once we get healthy we then can love them from a distance but put emotional and/or physical space between us. We're only victims once. Then we become volunteers to the mistreatment and abuse.
"Love never fails. ... And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:8, 13)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
In fact, you both are correct. Christ embodied love, but also had the fortitude to run the moneychangers out of the temple, so in dealing with a loved one who is an addict, one can be strong and loving and offer tough love. But also not allow oneself to be a doormat. Their addiction shouldn't give them a pass to abuse their significant others. If someone doesn't respect you, then walk away, because only those that respect you can love you. The most important thing in any love relationship is mutual respect; if you've lost that, the relationship is in real trouble.
To those who argue that addicts don't respect themselves, maybe so, but again that's also the crux of the problem.
To those who argue that addicts don't respect themselves, maybe so, but again that's also the crux of the problem.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Say the one person in the relationship doesn't respect the other person. So then the other person could eventually stop respecting the one. But I think that as long as you love someone you do respect them, even if they don't respect you, because to do otherwise would be to judge them.
Just thinking this out as I go ...
Just thinking this out as I go ...
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Firesong
S But I think that as long as you love someone you do respect them, even if they don't respect you, because to do otherwise would be to judge them.
Just thinking this out as I go ...
Just thinking this out as I go ...
If the man I love steals a couple hundred dollars from my purse, well, leave another couple hundred around. He needs it more than I do. If he wanders in at 2am, high as a kite? well, cook him dinner and keep him company for the night. Lose my job because all of the chaos in my house affects my work performance? Well, keep him company on the streets.
But God forbid we judge someone....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 11
I can understand the statement "its not personal its addiction" ..... But I just keep thinking how did we get here? there are so many steps to becoming a Heroin addict, Finding it, Mixing it, Getting the tools to administer it, Sticking a needle in your arm..........All those steps, so many chances to think about what they were doing, so many chances to Not start doing it. So I again ask my self How did we get here?
Missy
Missy
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Missy ...
we become ill ourselves while being around addiction and all that it consumes.
We take care of those who should be taking care of themselves.
We let guilt keep us paralyzed ... staying out of what we perceive as obligation.
I stayed in a marriage which was abusive in every way. It was my 'vow'.
I divorced when it reached it's end and was unsafe to a greater degree.
I stayed in a relationship with an H addict. Because I didn't want to see him die. He did.
We cannot tell you to stay, don't stay. Some hold on to the illusion that the worst wont happen. I did. And, hey, sometimes it doesn't but staying with an addict or alcoholic - is a slow death for more than the addicted person. I stayed as long as I could. Longer than anyone should, but it was on my terms and I accept anything that happened. It was no one's fault. My decision was my own choice.
Accountability. My duty and obligation was not to my vow after addiction ruined a marriage/family. Hurting everyone who loved me and cared about me ... was ... selfish. I had no business staying. I had no business robbing them of my time. That's where responsibility came back in. Watching them cry and plead, beg and pray. For me ? why ? because I was as addicted to him as he was to his drug.
I found healthy within the stories here. And assessing my life. Allowing myself to know what I wanted. I pray each day for all people suffering from addiction. I can never forget but I have no place in my life for this thief.
Stay strong my friend,
Hugs to you,
Joie
we become ill ourselves while being around addiction and all that it consumes.
We take care of those who should be taking care of themselves.
We let guilt keep us paralyzed ... staying out of what we perceive as obligation.
I stayed in a marriage which was abusive in every way. It was my 'vow'.
I divorced when it reached it's end and was unsafe to a greater degree.
I stayed in a relationship with an H addict. Because I didn't want to see him die. He did.
We cannot tell you to stay, don't stay. Some hold on to the illusion that the worst wont happen. I did. And, hey, sometimes it doesn't but staying with an addict or alcoholic - is a slow death for more than the addicted person. I stayed as long as I could. Longer than anyone should, but it was on my terms and I accept anything that happened. It was no one's fault. My decision was my own choice.
Accountability. My duty and obligation was not to my vow after addiction ruined a marriage/family. Hurting everyone who loved me and cared about me ... was ... selfish. I had no business staying. I had no business robbing them of my time. That's where responsibility came back in. Watching them cry and plead, beg and pray. For me ? why ? because I was as addicted to him as he was to his drug.
I found healthy within the stories here. And assessing my life. Allowing myself to know what I wanted. I pray each day for all people suffering from addiction. I can never forget but I have no place in my life for this thief.
Stay strong my friend,
Hugs to you,
Joie
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 11
Joie12
Thank you. I couldn't agree more when you say "we become ill ourselves while being around addiction and all that it consumes.".....Finding out that my husband was a Heroin addict was like getting hit by a Mac Truck and after getting up from the impact it started to consume me.... my whole day was spent tracking phone numbers, who is he calling who is calling him where is he going, Searching the house when ever he left it for evidence. I feel like now im getting better as I started to realize that it was destroying me and I had never even touched it. Through the people and stories on this site I find some peace. I too stay, because of the vow, because of family, because of love, and yes because I don't want him to die but I feel now that when I reach the point that I have done all I can do I will be able to walk away because I love him and because I love myself. I feel like I will know the moment when I can take a deep breath in, let out and say ... ok that's enough. At least I hope I will be that strong in that moment or that he will be strong enough to never get us to that moment. But... Thank you.... I will not let addiction ruin me.
Missy
Thank you. I couldn't agree more when you say "we become ill ourselves while being around addiction and all that it consumes.".....Finding out that my husband was a Heroin addict was like getting hit by a Mac Truck and after getting up from the impact it started to consume me.... my whole day was spent tracking phone numbers, who is he calling who is calling him where is he going, Searching the house when ever he left it for evidence. I feel like now im getting better as I started to realize that it was destroying me and I had never even touched it. Through the people and stories on this site I find some peace. I too stay, because of the vow, because of family, because of love, and yes because I don't want him to die but I feel now that when I reach the point that I have done all I can do I will be able to walk away because I love him and because I love myself. I feel like I will know the moment when I can take a deep breath in, let out and say ... ok that's enough. At least I hope I will be that strong in that moment or that he will be strong enough to never get us to that moment. But... Thank you.... I will not let addiction ruin me.
Missy
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Posted by missyt6022:
I feel like now im getting better as I started to realize that it was destroying me and I had never even touched it.
I feel like now im getting better as I started to realize that it was destroying me and I had never even touched it.
Recently I find I am missing my friend less and thinking more about all the bad ways he treated me. Not happy thoughts, but they are toughening me up, and maybe that is a good thing.
These forums have helped, some of the things people here write about.
Not one of my "real-life" friends knows about my friend's addiction. It is good to hear from other people who have been there and experienced it even more than I have.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 11
Firesong,
These forums have become my outlet as well, this addiction of my husbands is not one that I can share with any one in my real world, and I didn't think that there was anyone out there who could possibly understand what was going on in my life cause I honestly thought this didn't happen to normal happy people.... but here I learned that it does and that I am defiantly not alone in my struggles .
These forums have become my outlet as well, this addiction of my husbands is not one that I can share with any one in my real world, and I didn't think that there was anyone out there who could possibly understand what was going on in my life cause I honestly thought this didn't happen to normal happy people.... but here I learned that it does and that I am defiantly not alone in my struggles .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
That's true for parents and blood relatives but it doesn't work that way in romantic relationships. I wish I had a nickel for every time I've seen a woman look at me with a lack of respect in her eyes; I instinctively knew the relationship was dead but would hang on. That has nothing to do with addiction, but relationships in general. I'm here to find solace from a broken relationship with someone who is addicted to painkillers. So, respect was not the issue. But maybe it was; she didn't respect me enough to level with me and communicate. So, it would impossible for her to love me despite her BS to the contrary early on in the relationship. See what I mean?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by cloudyskies
That's true for parents and blood relatives but it doesn't work that way in romantic relationships. I wish I had a nickel for every time I've seen a woman look at me with a lack of respect in her eyes; I instinctively knew the relationship was dead but would hang on. That has nothing to do with addiction, but relationships in general. I'm here to find solace from a broken relationship with someone who is addicted to painkillers. So, respect was not the issue. But maybe it was; she didn't respect me enough to level with me and communicate. So, it would impossible for her to love me despite her BS to the contrary early on in the relationship. See what I mean?
I'm not sure I see what you mean, though. I don't know about romantic relationships with addicts. I do however know about the friendship I had with one, and I know that it can work that way with friends, it can be true for friends as well as for parents and other relatives. I know it from my own experience, and that sometimes a person will tell friends things he cannot tell his parents or any other relative.
I also know that the best romantic relationships start out as friendships and -- hopefully! -- stay that way. I cannot imagine being in love with anyone who was not also my best friend.
And yeah, you are right -- that lack of respect in a person's eyes has nothing to do with addiction but with the idea of relationships in general.
And that is heartbreaking.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Firesong
I am sorry for your experience, cloudyskies.
I'm not sure I see what you mean, though. I don't know about romantic relationships with addicts. I do however know about the friendship I had with one, and I know that it can work that way with friends, it can be true for friends as well as for parents and other relatives. I know it from my own experience, and that sometimes a person will tell friends things he cannot tell his parents or any other relative.
I also know that the best romantic relationships start out as friendships and -- hopefully! -- stay that way. I cannot imagine being in love with anyone who was not also my best friend.
And yeah, you are right -- that lack of respect in a person's eyes has nothing to do with addiction but with the idea of relationships in general.
And that is heartbreaking.
I'm not sure I see what you mean, though. I don't know about romantic relationships with addicts. I do however know about the friendship I had with one, and I know that it can work that way with friends, it can be true for friends as well as for parents and other relatives. I know it from my own experience, and that sometimes a person will tell friends things he cannot tell his parents or any other relative.
I also know that the best romantic relationships start out as friendships and -- hopefully! -- stay that way. I cannot imagine being in love with anyone who was not also my best friend.
And yeah, you are right -- that lack of respect in a person's eyes has nothing to do with addiction but with the idea of relationships in general.
And that is heartbreaking.
The "look" of loss of respect that I mentioned had nothing to do with this broken relationship with my ex-gf addict; that never happened to my knowledge. My point is that the following conversation where she should have leveled with me and told me: "I want you in my life, but I've got a problem that I need to deal with if we're to continue" never happened. It happened in a flippant manner on her part early on, but she didn't continue communicating long enough after she supposedly began withdrawal to keep me in the loop. If she had been honest with me, then maybe there would be hope. But all I got was non-communication and distance.
You all know this only too well apparently. We hear this played out continually every day on this forum. I appreciate your thoughts and support; this is a very useful forum. I sometimes go for days without thinking about it, then some new thread will draw me back here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
Can relate
Originally Posted by Deeplybrkn
I ask myself the same thing every day and I'm so saddened by this and feel so betrayed by the one person who's supposed to be loyal and has devoted his love to me. It kills me that he'll see me cry and plead and he just makes remarks such as "oh, here we go again!" it's terrible being a spouse to an addict! Best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all.. take this from a 67 year old that has been married twice and had 4 gents with problems...
its not that they don't respect you or care for you..
the brain is not working with the nervous system correctly to give the mind the heart and the soul of the person the ability to respond to the event the person or the problem correctly.
1st hubby.. was ok the first 12 years of marriage and 3 children.. then at his work they added a bug killing agent to the hopper cars he was working in.. 1970's no we did not do drugs or pot and he did not drink a lot.. I did because he worked at night and slept during the day.. I had the house and kids and that was it.. he was in and out and sex was the only thing that we connected the dots with.. and then he became King Kong in underwear.. attacked the kids and trashed the house.. beat me up.. our Son became a type 1 diabetic and it was my fault. I did not drive.. almost lost the reason that I had been able to become an adult .. still makes me so sad..
boyfriend 1 after the divorce.. was ok for 1 year and then pot and drink took over his life and made our life hell
boyfriend 2 after 3 years of single life.. pills little yellow pills. and he had a great job a car and an apartment and then he tried to kill me..
from 1989-1992 nothing I was my Own Women.. would stalk my evening prey watch behavior and body language and take them to some place safe.. for a few hours drop them back at the bar and wave good by..
met my Eddie Lee in March of 1992... knew what I was getting into .. just did not know the length of his family DNA for Health Problems.. but everything was so great..
Morphine 2008 long acting to kill the pain the Doctor said .. twice a day.. Ed's amount was huge because of his background in drugs and drinking.. his body screamed more.... I cried in the office Please don't do this.. Sept 2015 they had been taking him off the morphine.. know what people that are on things for a long time think they can control everything.. the sun the moon and the spin of the Earth... and how their body will react to the withdrawl..... want to know the truth.. No they can't.. I have 11 days of hospital rehab with my Eddie Lee not knowing who I am who He is or where he is.. and I have 9 video's of him trying to find the bottom line.. I hold them dear to my heart .. he has no idea I have them.... He saw a Doctor yesterday.. on the fall from a ladder in Sept.. Ed you are as healthy as a Horse and the Doc went over ever test item by item.. Say young man why did they do all of these.. he had no idea... nope none at all....
His temper is becoming worse again.. I am the problem I make him mad.. and then he doses off and comes back to me for a bit.. I caught the twinkle in his great eyes last night at dinner. my Eddie Lee I got to see him for about 3 minutes and then his brain went side ways.. I got him home in time for him to not know what we had been doing...
He loves me I know that .. sometimes I do fear for my being.. I love him very much.. have given 24 years to this relationship.. He is not dying on my watch.. no Sir... but he just is not mentally there all the time.. and I have to know how to read the markers of his body mind and voice.. the pattern of the things he has left in the house during the day.. I do fear for him to drive alone... and Kids and Beans do you know what it is like to tell an Adult Male he can not drive.. oh that is so much fun...... you know that conversation.. and he is off the meds .. does not drink or smoke.. and just is what I have left of my Eddie Lee.... my silly Gear Head Rocker.. so glad every minute that I have just a second to see that twinkle one more time.
sorry all .. but that is how it goes .. and some of you are young Wait until you hit the magic day of over 50..........the David Cassidy interview and videos make me sad.. for I see the problem that could have been corrected or stalled 5 years ago.. but then they do not train you or give you the manual to deal with this as the years float along..... have a friend that I fear will not make it to Summer Fest 50th this year.. for last summer. .I saw the problem of life checking his check book of days.. and I hugged him tight and told his caregiver be good to him .. for his is Dear to so many.. and his days are numbered...
love to you all prayers and care.. read dig and get on google and say what is in your heart . problems with liver and drugs in years of over use.. What does the Brain do after 20 years of pot smoking.. the information is there.. and its called Public information.. please read.. and hug your Eddie Lee tight every night. no matter what.. love a Lady Clown of Time......
its not that they don't respect you or care for you..
the brain is not working with the nervous system correctly to give the mind the heart and the soul of the person the ability to respond to the event the person or the problem correctly.
1st hubby.. was ok the first 12 years of marriage and 3 children.. then at his work they added a bug killing agent to the hopper cars he was working in.. 1970's no we did not do drugs or pot and he did not drink a lot.. I did because he worked at night and slept during the day.. I had the house and kids and that was it.. he was in and out and sex was the only thing that we connected the dots with.. and then he became King Kong in underwear.. attacked the kids and trashed the house.. beat me up.. our Son became a type 1 diabetic and it was my fault. I did not drive.. almost lost the reason that I had been able to become an adult .. still makes me so sad..
boyfriend 1 after the divorce.. was ok for 1 year and then pot and drink took over his life and made our life hell
boyfriend 2 after 3 years of single life.. pills little yellow pills. and he had a great job a car and an apartment and then he tried to kill me..
from 1989-1992 nothing I was my Own Women.. would stalk my evening prey watch behavior and body language and take them to some place safe.. for a few hours drop them back at the bar and wave good by..
met my Eddie Lee in March of 1992... knew what I was getting into .. just did not know the length of his family DNA for Health Problems.. but everything was so great..
Morphine 2008 long acting to kill the pain the Doctor said .. twice a day.. Ed's amount was huge because of his background in drugs and drinking.. his body screamed more.... I cried in the office Please don't do this.. Sept 2015 they had been taking him off the morphine.. know what people that are on things for a long time think they can control everything.. the sun the moon and the spin of the Earth... and how their body will react to the withdrawl..... want to know the truth.. No they can't.. I have 11 days of hospital rehab with my Eddie Lee not knowing who I am who He is or where he is.. and I have 9 video's of him trying to find the bottom line.. I hold them dear to my heart .. he has no idea I have them.... He saw a Doctor yesterday.. on the fall from a ladder in Sept.. Ed you are as healthy as a Horse and the Doc went over ever test item by item.. Say young man why did they do all of these.. he had no idea... nope none at all....
His temper is becoming worse again.. I am the problem I make him mad.. and then he doses off and comes back to me for a bit.. I caught the twinkle in his great eyes last night at dinner. my Eddie Lee I got to see him for about 3 minutes and then his brain went side ways.. I got him home in time for him to not know what we had been doing...
He loves me I know that .. sometimes I do fear for my being.. I love him very much.. have given 24 years to this relationship.. He is not dying on my watch.. no Sir... but he just is not mentally there all the time.. and I have to know how to read the markers of his body mind and voice.. the pattern of the things he has left in the house during the day.. I do fear for him to drive alone... and Kids and Beans do you know what it is like to tell an Adult Male he can not drive.. oh that is so much fun...... you know that conversation.. and he is off the meds .. does not drink or smoke.. and just is what I have left of my Eddie Lee.... my silly Gear Head Rocker.. so glad every minute that I have just a second to see that twinkle one more time.
sorry all .. but that is how it goes .. and some of you are young Wait until you hit the magic day of over 50..........the David Cassidy interview and videos make me sad.. for I see the problem that could have been corrected or stalled 5 years ago.. but then they do not train you or give you the manual to deal with this as the years float along..... have a friend that I fear will not make it to Summer Fest 50th this year.. for last summer. .I saw the problem of life checking his check book of days.. and I hugged him tight and told his caregiver be good to him .. for his is Dear to so many.. and his days are numbered...
love to you all prayers and care.. read dig and get on google and say what is in your heart . problems with liver and drugs in years of over use.. What does the Brain do after 20 years of pot smoking.. the information is there.. and its called Public information.. please read.. and hug your Eddie Lee tight every night. no matter what.. love a Lady Clown of Time......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Missyt6022 you have said so much. love ardy
Originally Posted by Missyt6022
Firesong,
These forums have become my outlet as well, this addiction of my husbands is not one that I can share with any one in my real world, and I didn't think that there was anyone out there who could possibly understand what was going on in my life cause I honestly thought this didn't happen to normal happy people.... but here I learned that it does and that I am defiantly not alone in my struggles .
These forums have become my outlet as well, this addiction of my husbands is not one that I can share with any one in my real world, and I didn't think that there was anyone out there who could possibly understand what was going on in my life cause I honestly thought this didn't happen to normal happy people.... but here I learned that it does and that I am defiantly not alone in my struggles .
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by faithnlove13
Why do addicts put there spouses through hell and hurt the ones that love them the most and dont care if they loose there family?
Amber
Amber
Passion
Recovering addict
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I think addicts want to numb themselves against negative feelings -- it's avoidance. It's rare that an addict is also not someone with other life issues: depression, PTSD, OCD, some personality disorder, something. They are chasing a dopamine high all the time. They feel like they never feel good, so they will do anything to make their brains produce feel-good chemicals. This is why people can be addicted to gambling and sex, because those things create a temporary "high" as well. You can't make them feel good, unless you're in the early stages of the relationship, where everything is awash in a chemical, hormonal "high" (that fresh, falling-in-love feeling). Addicts are really bad at long-term love, when things calm down a bit, you might not have sex as often, you have bills to pay, kids to raise, the dishes need doing, you get older, etc.... This "stability" that they actually need, is what bores them, so then they go off using drugs again (or having an affair), for the high, and they start blaming you for it because you didn't give them enough "love"... and also their avoidant tendencies means they don't take responsibility for their actions. They may want real love, but they are not looking for love (not real love, which is messy, sometimes boring, sometimes difficult, and long), they are looking for a way to experience ecstasy. But because they are also avoidant, they often lie. They lie to others, they lie to themselves. They lie to their doctors, their psychologists, their spouses, and they do say that they love you and want a family and stability, all of those things. It's because they don't want to face the truth, that what they really want in life, is to get high as often as possible. Life is hard, life stinks, life is horrible, so they want to get drunk, baked, high, whatever rocks their boat. This is my understanding of it. This is the way my A operated, the way he tried to destroy himself and me.
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