why do addicts hurt the ones they love
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by faithnlove13 
Why do addicts put there spouses through hell and hurt the ones that love them the most and dont care if they loose there family?
Amber
Amber
Until they dedicate every second of their life to recovery. And you will see it, the recovery, you will definately see it. Until then it's a lonely world for us Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Because they don't care if they hurt themselves. And if they don't care that they hurt themselves, then why would they care about hurting those who love them?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
This is written by an addict and sort of puts this in a bit of perspective.
"No one sets out to be an addict. No one sets out to ruin their life and the lives of all the people around them. No one sets out to see the anguish in the eyes of the people who love them." - from Basketball Junkie by Chris Herren
Keep coming back,
Jim
"No one sets out to be an addict. No one sets out to ruin their life and the lives of all the people around them. No one sets out to see the anguish in the eyes of the people who love them." - from Basketball Junkie by Chris Herren
Keep coming back,
Jim
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Good question Amber. I figure it isn't really the person in the addiction but the addiction itself that hurts us. I like calling it a disease (although I can see the point of people who argue against this) as there doesn't seem to be a better way to understand it.
I live in the mountains and rocks fall off cliffs and kill people; addicts seem kind of like these rocks; they don't think, feel or care they just respond to gravity/drugs and if you are in the way you will be hurt. It isn't really anything personal meaning it doesn't have anything to do with you.
I live in the mountains and rocks fall off cliffs and kill people; addicts seem kind of like these rocks; they don't think, feel or care they just respond to gravity/drugs and if you are in the way you will be hurt. It isn't really anything personal meaning it doesn't have anything to do with you.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
My ex broke up with me when he went back into active addiction. What he kept telling me was that he didn't want anyone to love him, he didn't want to talk to or be around anyone who cared about him because he couldn't be what they expect of him right now and he doesn't want to disappoint anyone. That he feels shame being around those who love him and instead is spending time with people who don't care if he dies today. He begged me to stop being nice to him right now.
They don't want anyone to expect anything from them. They are protecting their addiction.
They don't want anyone to expect anything from them. They are protecting their addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 3
I ask myself the same thing every day and I'm so saddened by this and feel so betrayed by the one person who's supposed to be loyal and has devoted his love to me. It kills me that he'll see me cry and plead and he just makes remarks such as "oh, here we go again!" it's terrible being a spouse to an addict! Best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
It's a very good question. Self-destructive, but also willingly destructive of others. That's the part that's hard to fathom. I keep thinking that if you do something horrible that hurts your family one time, that could be a "mistake," but if you know what you do is hurting others, and you go ahead and indulge yourself over and over again? What is that (besides addiction - and I don't think that explains it all) . . .
And to the person who asked why we keep taking it - it's because we have hope and love these people . . . if they are family, you want to think they will "do the right thing" eventually.
And to the person who asked why we keep taking it - it's because we have hope and love these people . . . if they are family, you want to think they will "do the right thing" eventually.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
I loved a meth addict. I endured mood swings, verbal abuse, long absences That's just part of meth. Meth users believe the drug is making them more sober. When they're high, they are most loving to loved ones and Mr. Responsible at work. When they're coming down, the mood swings come in. The user may pseudo-sleep if at home. Soon they'll go out to do their hobby for a couple hours and meet their dealer.
Users will use anyone to acquire meth and to create a facade that he is not using. My ex left at least five pipes and two packets of meth that I found. He's had it at work. His mom found some last week.
Anyway, I kicked Ex out a month ago. Later, I found some underwear that was drenched in blood. I'm really sure Ex is not gay and this was a LOT of blood. I told a family member about it and she said to tell the mom. Then FM said to wait a minute but I'd been worrying about the guy for three years. I called the mom. and the mom was not in denial. She knew what was going on and was open to rehab. Family member was angry that I had talked to mom before she talked to husband. Mom told her to pick me up for their family meeting and FM refused. I couldn't drive myself because I am medically unable, and she knew it.
She came to see me after the meeting. The family concluded that this blood was hemorrhoids, that he only smoked meth "now and then," and that the meth his mom and I found was like really old, from maybe 2009 or something.
And then we hung out. The FM has really been a friend to me since I started going to hospital in November. She gave me a gift basket that took a lot time and effort to put together.She made me soup when I got home and for a couple days it was the only thing I could eat. We walk on my lunch hour regularly now But had I been at the meeting, I would have three years of info from living with him that no one had. My addict could not credibly say every single thing I said was a lie. My addict, 52, might have with pressure from his whole family consented to a 90-day rehab away from his dealers. His family by the way could pay for it.
Instead, the FM came over later to say that the family believed that there wasn't really a problem. He might SMOKE METH once in a "great while." The meth his mother found last week and the meth I found last year were both really old, like from the 1990s. Oh, and the family knows some methheads and he doesn't look like one. (There's resemblance to 57 year old in the show Addicted.)
The FM and I then hung out for a few hours. The FM is a personal friend who has done a lof for me since I' was hospitalized this fall. We developed a close relationship. We walk two or three times a week on my lunch hour at the park behind my work. By the way, my addict and I work for the same place.
Feeling weird about the FM, I texted my only other friends here, a married couple. This couple used to socialize with the addict and me, but eventually told me they would not get together until I dumped the addict Yesterday, the male friend made it clear that the addict was no longer even someone he would talk to on the beach, not a friend at all. Further, he informed me that he would not tolerate me talking about the addict anymore. Yesterday.. Today, the male friend was livid with me for having incited the family meeting. The addict had called the male friend for the first time in months to inform him of my betrayal which basically involved talking to his mom.
I invited the couple to call my mom if I was ever at the point the addict is even without 25 years of methamphetamine abuse. I provided her phone number. I then said that I recognized I was powerless over the addict and would stay out of his life or the end of it. I gave them the same ultimatum: You can be friends with me or you can be friends with him. It's an either/or, just like you said.
So that is how one addict can screw up everyone's lives while thinking that they aren't "hurting anyone" by doing their substance. Addicts hurt so many lives and I'm just a little tired of hearing about their individual rights to do that. Frankly, I think their names should be made public record. They can clear it up with a 6-month hair test on an unaltered hair. Rehab, if requested, should be provided or subsidized.
Users will use anyone to acquire meth and to create a facade that he is not using. My ex left at least five pipes and two packets of meth that I found. He's had it at work. His mom found some last week.
Anyway, I kicked Ex out a month ago. Later, I found some underwear that was drenched in blood. I'm really sure Ex is not gay and this was a LOT of blood. I told a family member about it and she said to tell the mom. Then FM said to wait a minute but I'd been worrying about the guy for three years. I called the mom. and the mom was not in denial. She knew what was going on and was open to rehab. Family member was angry that I had talked to mom before she talked to husband. Mom told her to pick me up for their family meeting and FM refused. I couldn't drive myself because I am medically unable, and she knew it.
She came to see me after the meeting. The family concluded that this blood was hemorrhoids, that he only smoked meth "now and then," and that the meth his mom and I found was like really old, from maybe 2009 or something.
And then we hung out. The FM has really been a friend to me since I started going to hospital in November. She gave me a gift basket that took a lot time and effort to put together.She made me soup when I got home and for a couple days it was the only thing I could eat. We walk on my lunch hour regularly now But had I been at the meeting, I would have three years of info from living with him that no one had. My addict could not credibly say every single thing I said was a lie. My addict, 52, might have with pressure from his whole family consented to a 90-day rehab away from his dealers. His family by the way could pay for it.
Instead, the FM came over later to say that the family believed that there wasn't really a problem. He might SMOKE METH once in a "great while." The meth his mother found last week and the meth I found last year were both really old, like from the 1990s. Oh, and the family knows some methheads and he doesn't look like one. (There's resemblance to 57 year old in the show Addicted.)
The FM and I then hung out for a few hours. The FM is a personal friend who has done a lof for me since I' was hospitalized this fall. We developed a close relationship. We walk two or three times a week on my lunch hour at the park behind my work. By the way, my addict and I work for the same place.
Feeling weird about the FM, I texted my only other friends here, a married couple. This couple used to socialize with the addict and me, but eventually told me they would not get together until I dumped the addict Yesterday, the male friend made it clear that the addict was no longer even someone he would talk to on the beach, not a friend at all. Further, he informed me that he would not tolerate me talking about the addict anymore. Yesterday.. Today, the male friend was livid with me for having incited the family meeting. The addict had called the male friend for the first time in months to inform him of my betrayal which basically involved talking to his mom.
I invited the couple to call my mom if I was ever at the point the addict is even without 25 years of methamphetamine abuse. I provided her phone number. I then said that I recognized I was powerless over the addict and would stay out of his life or the end of it. I gave them the same ultimatum: You can be friends with me or you can be friends with him. It's an either/or, just like you said.
So that is how one addict can screw up everyone's lives while thinking that they aren't "hurting anyone" by doing their substance. Addicts hurt so many lives and I'm just a little tired of hearing about their individual rights to do that. Frankly, I think their names should be made public record. They can clear it up with a 6-month hair test on an unaltered hair. Rehab, if requested, should be provided or subsidized.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 12
Why do they hurt us? Because we allow them to.
We put ourselves in the line of fire over and over again, hoping that maybe this time we won't burn. When most people would run away, we run toward the problem in hopes of helping them. It's a cycle we have to put a stop to. I'm sorry you're hurting. Just know you're not alone.
We put ourselves in the line of fire over and over again, hoping that maybe this time we won't burn. When most people would run away, we run toward the problem in hopes of helping them. It's a cycle we have to put a stop to. I'm sorry you're hurting. Just know you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
We're as addicted to our addicts as they are to their drugs. And it's on us to detox from them.
This process has been so painful that frankly I'm gonna be bringing up mutual **** tests along with the normal condom chat. You never know.
This process has been so painful that frankly I'm gonna be bringing up mutual **** tests along with the normal condom chat. You never know.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"Hurting people hurt people"
it's not personal, it's addiction.
The best way to help an addict/alcoholic, get healthy for yourself.
when an alcoholic/addict is at their worst, the family needs to be at their healthiest.
^^^^Recovery words given me as I have walked this road with many alcoholic/addicts in my life
PINK HUGS!
it's not personal, it's addiction.
The best way to help an addict/alcoholic, get healthy for yourself.
when an alcoholic/addict is at their worst, the family needs to be at their healthiest.
^^^^Recovery words given me as I have walked this road with many alcoholic/addicts in my life
PINK HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
this says so much.. I miss my hubby the way he was in 1992-2006.. I have a photo of our last Oct 2006... when he was better before the accident and the morphine... he did say once in the last few months.. that his Mom and Dad never cared what he did as long as he did not upset them... so he did whatever he wanted... and then found me and realized he had found someone that did care.. but the morphine won out... he has become very nasty once again.. I know that the change of the season upsets the balance in his brain... I love my hubby.. miss him very much.. once in Jan driving home from work.. I had to pull over and park I was crying so hard.. office stopped and came over to help me... he listened. and just patted me softly... I could almost taste the way we had been before the morphine.... I know in my heart he will never be that way again.. its so hard... for he is my best friend when not nasty... and does care about me. but when the brain takes over for the morphine loss its hell kids and beans just hell.....love you all so much.. so with out this forum I would be in a very dark place. by myself....
Originally Posted by Vandermast
because their brain is hijacked by their illness and they are not who they once were.
recovery fixes that over time...........
peace to you
vandermast
recovery fixes that over time...........
peace to you
vandermast
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by cynical one
The more important question is: Why do the loved ones of addicts repeatedly ALLOW them to hurt us?
And because we don't get what it is like to be an addict. If we aren't, or haven't been, we don't understand what their lives are like.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by Priscilla84
My ex broke up with me when he went back into active addiction. What he kept telling me was that he didn't want anyone to love him, he didn't want to talk to or be around anyone who cared about him because he couldn't be what they expect of him right now and he doesn't want to disappoint anyone. That he feels shame being around those who love him and instead is spending time with people who don't care if he dies today. He begged me to stop being nice to him right now.
They don't want anyone to expect anything from them. They are protecting their addiction.
They don't want anyone to expect anything from them. They are protecting their addiction.
When I did become disappointed in him was after he quit using, started on methadone, found a new therapist, and then didn't need me anymore. I had been looking forward so hopefully for the "someday" when he would get clean, and then when he did he turned into a very angry, ugly, mean person.
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Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by Firesong
Because we love them. And because we love them, we keep looking for the good person that's in there. We keep hoping that good person will come out again and love us.
And because we don't get what it is like to be an addict. If we aren't, or haven't been, we don't understand what their lives are like.
And because we don't get what it is like to be an addict. If we aren't, or haven't been, we don't understand what their lives are like.
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