alterity

Hi seren,

Is that a message to me? My husband has never done any narcotics in his entire life. Not one try, ever, which is one of the reasons I am attracted to him.

I think you might be confusing me with another poster? or confusing my husband with my brother?

I agree that sugar is often a substitute for alcohol, heroin, and stimulants. I don't think my husband realizes that he is addicted to it (sugar, that is) but if he does, I bet he thinks there is no comparison to alcohol or drugs.

alterity

No, I didn't at all. Just pointing out how completely different he and I are in this regard. That also helps explain my frustration with the futility.

JOIE12

Alterity - has he been checked for diabetes ? or thyroid problems ?

alterity

No. He does not have health insurance and does not go to the doctor. He absolutely should get a full CBC ASAP but he won't. Talking to him about it will only be met with resistance, no matter how I frame it. This is just like dealing with an addict.

JOIE12

I'm sorry alterity. I can see now that you are here because you feel completely helpless. But you are not, you can do what is good for you. With your medical issues, you NEED to take care of yourself. I'm not sure where you stand in your relationship but obviously he isn't capable of caring about anyone while he slowly kills himself. And like any addiction, he will drag you along with him so long as you hold on.

We all wish we could 'wake' our loved one up.

His addiction is all too real.
Please look to a better life and let him have his.
Hugs to you
Joie

Seren

Forgive me, alterity, I have been away from SR for many months. I have, I'm sure, not caught up with everyone's stories. I'm sorry about your husband's reluctance to see his doctor or address his health issues. I have known many people who just won't go because they are afraid to hear what the doctor might say. The whole "I don't want to go to the doctor because he will tell me I'm sick" mentality even when the doctor is the person who can help if something is wrong. Not at all logical--yes, just like trying to reason with an addict.

thequest

Shows how just about anything can become addictive and just like bad drinking or drug habit things will have to change.

Change is tough. There are reasons for old sayings like " Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning " when something isn't going well and 'change' in routine is blamed. It's not just drugs because again old sayings like "Old habits die hard" which I heard long before 'addiction or rehab' would be acceptable to speak about casually.

Change is tough, Change is hard but change is also necessary. Change is progress. Change is a new beginning.

And like drugs he'll probably have to be slowly weaned off and given diet alternatives at the same time. But until they really want to change their eating habits like anything else any diet or exercise will wind up being a fad and as soon as it's gone so is the healthier body.

I'd start with some kind of physical therapy or exercise program first. Then modify rather than radically change the diet. Make attainable goals. Keep them coming.

Good Luck , this will be hard but doable.

alterity

Argh! I am starting to feel like this is a much bigger problem than just a sore back or varicose veins or heart disease down the line. From time to time, DH (dearest/darling husband) can be moody, quite irascible in fact. Whatever, everyone has their ups and and downs. But he's started to seem really exhausted and worn out. His caffeine intake has really increased "just to get him through the day." On one hand, I could say that eating better and taking care of himself would increase his energy level and help steady his moods, which is true. On the other hand, I could say that his company's owner, ie his boss, works him (and all the other employees) far too hard and something has to give. I actually just mentioned that to him, but every single time I say something about it, he shoots it down. He himself has said that he wants to ask for the stores to shut for one week to give everyone a break and, at holiday time, he said he was going to ask for a long weekend at the New Year. He never says anything to his boss and instead wants to keep pursuing this "presenteeism", going in to the headquarters on one of the two days his store is closed which is expected of him to drop off the weekly store money but he goes over and beyond, e.g. offering to work at the flagship shop, waiting around long hours to have his boss see him, and tries to spend as much time as he can with boss (a good "friend" of 25 years). I understand he wants to be indispensable, but he already is without all of the extra time. It's a problem of his own doing, and then he complains about it.

Maybe this is a big difference between him and me. I do everything I can to take care of problems at their roots. If a problem persists, despite all effort and hard work, then I might be upset. However, until then, I approach everything as a challenge and I step up to the task. I always find a way to work things out.

I am surprised, to be honest, that he isn't more like this. Perhaps, I had been projecting onto him these attributes, as people do tend to think that others think and behave like ourselves. I am trying to remain compassionate without trying to solve his problems. Being newly married, I am completely unused to knowing what it is like to have someone else's issues truly become my own as he and I are now one under god. I did have a decade long alcoholic boyfriend with whom I bought (and still own) a house with, so I have experience with someone's else financial affairs having a direct impact on my own finances. Back then, I always picked up the slack and took care of him (ExABF) because of our intertwined interests. Now..... I don't want to be like that, having vowed (irony intended) to myself to never have a relationship like that ever again.

What a conundrum! Now, I am ever more obligated to, and want to, help, be there, support, etc my husband, but I cannot fall back into old habits of accepting a lifestyle of servitude and drudgery where my needs fall to the wayside. I spend enough time and energy taking care of the household, cooking every meal of the day (as healthy as he will eat, which isn't saying much) for him (we live above the store he manages), doing all the cleaning/laundry/etc., to the point where I could not physically work full time and do all that I do. That's OK, though, I am not complaining. I actually like the balance that we have right now. I'm just saying that I cannot do any more than I currently do now, especially with new contracts and new work for me coming up.

There is nothing concrete to make me feel this way. It's just a fear based on past experiences. Thanks again, SR, for allowing me to vent!

alterity

Change sure is tough!

On a bright note, he and I are supposed to start a new contract in the spring that will require us to walk house to house campaigning approximately one day per week. There is a chance that the work will get cancelled, but fingers crossed, the work will happen, putting $ in our pockets and getting him some exercise.

Things can get better, somehow. Thanks for the encouragement!

JOIE12

Don't be afraid to feel what you do and to open yourself up to make the changes that you need. Sometimes we create our own comfort zone. Easy to fall back into because that's what we are used to. I realized that I was challenging my codependent tendencies when people around me became uncomfortable with the changes. I no longer fit their mold for me. I didn't say yes to everything and I stopped tolerating their poor behavior in regards to me. I tried to ignore the fact that no one had control over my life but ME. Start one change at a time. They will blossom like flowers and eventually afterwards you will see the new you. She's waiting for you to take care of her ... It's her turn. Hugs to you, joie