hopeful4

When that is what I kept getting, over and over. And when I had to learn about it enough to explain to my children. Through counseling, they have learned to expect nothing as well. It does not condone anything. It means you have to form healthy boundaries and decide for yourself how much YOU will put up with.

It was a realization that boundaries are all about us, not him. What we will and will not put up with, and how much we will let it control our lives. I was married to this man for many years, so it's not like it all happened overnight. It came in stages. Realizing there was a problem took years really.

Vale

THAT (God damn you Cynical!)......................was beyond perfect!!!!!!!!!!

MAYA1

*I* abandoned myself. *I* compromised myself, my values, my morals, my mental/emotional/physical/financial well-being. *I* allowed myself to be treated horribly. I forgave, and I sincerely apologized, and I made a vow to myself to learn from it and never repeat. [/QUOTE]
Thank you. This is absolutely what I needed to hear. I am working on it and I feel like I am starting to feel like my "old" self but wiser. Thank you.

MissUs2015

Good point about our amends to ourselves. We have to do it ourselves.
Could an addict's 9th step amend to us make a difference to our own work? Isn't it just opening up old wounds/hopes even if it does happen (big if)

MissUs2015

Eliciting that reaction might cause pain for the person being apologized to and thus a reasoning for not 9th stepping that person...except for when

The 9th Step can end codependency on both sides, but both need to be willing to go that extra step as above.

story74

I remember getting a "I'm sorry" via text in the very beginning. I remember looking at it and thinking BS. I didn't believe it.

He has never said a true heartfelt face to face sorry. He has never accepted responsibility. He lives in delusion. One time I told him via email he never apologized, and he said he did.

Even if he did say sorry I am not sure it would matter.
What would mean more than anything in the world would be him getting sober, healthy and happy. For him to become the man I know her could be and be a father to my son. That would mean more to me than a sorry.

Let go and focus on you. Easier said than done for sure!

Chino

My daughter has apologized several times, especially after reading or hearing something locally drug related that is God awful. All I can say to her to is that we love her always and are relieved she continues her recovery.

I won't say "it's alright" because it isn't and never will be. The disease itself was addressed very early on, and with strong ongoing support, but every relapse afterwards was a choice.

I've begun suggesting she makes sure to forgive herself, otherwise she's setting herself for failure. I told her we have no need to forgive her as I believe the way the Amish do, "forgiveness is letting go of the right to seek revenge" and I don't want revenge on her; we never did. Regardless, I asked her to consider if she wants revenge on herself

teatreeoil007

Many apologies are hollow.

BDG4488

I got an apology (about 15 months after the break up), but it turned out to be BS. She at least admitted to hiding the fact that she was back on drugs during the last year and a half of the relationship. She claims to be in recovery, but she is still doing drugs--and was actually smug about it. She thinks she only has a problem with alcohol.

I went back and forth as to whether I would respond to the initial amends email. I did finally respond, but her addict behavior was so obvious now that I no longer have feelings for her, that I ended up going no contact again. It was highly annoying.

She didn't admit the drug use until several emails after the amends email. Her amends email spoke of recovery, so it was dishonest. If she ever truly recovers and sends any further communication, even if it's sincere, I will not respond. I don't want any contact with her ever again.

As I learned in this forum, you don't get closure from an addict. I learned finally not to take her self-absorbed, manipulative, dishonest behavior personally. She's an active addict, in all its self-deluded glory, and I want no part of it. Closure comes from within.

sevenofnine

haha. no.
two and a half (sober) years after we divorced, he now insists he doesnt have a problem.
of course, i never apologised for staying with him all those years, enabling.