desperately seeking help!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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desperately seeking help!
Hi all,
I have come here desperately seeking advice, I met my partner who is an addict when he was in recovery. The man I fell in love with was the most kindest, loving man you could of ever met, he told me all about his past but I never held any of that against him as I was more interested in the man that was open and honest with me from the start and where he was going. I fell in love hard! Life was amazing until we moved back to where he was from by this point I was carrying our first child and instantly I seen a change once we were around his old area and family that all have a history of drugs or affected in some way. He started taking benzos behind my back and would blatantly lie even though he was passing out all the time, there was no hiding it. I had no help from his family as they would always cover up from him and lie also for him. This carried on for 6 months until he went off and relapsed on his drug of choice which is crack, he was missing for about a fortnight but would sneak home when I was out each time taking something from the home until there was nothing left to take he eventually ended up in prison. I forgave him only to find out he started on a methadone script! He eventually got out, got weaned off that then started taking subutex which he was on for about a year. Anyway a couple of years passed we had another child, then tragically his brother passed and not long after I noticed those signs that he was on something, he would be passing out on the sofa and would still lie to my face this sent me stir crazy and I would question my sanity constantly, this went on for a year when he just went out one day and disappeared for 3 days, I didn't know whether he was dead or alive only to find out he went back out there on the crack he admitted he was taking the benzos and subutex which he managed to manipulate the doctor again into having them all along and the lies finally got to him, he disappeared a few more times before he finally went away to get help. He came back a different man and was once again the main I fell in love with, honest, open and loving. He started going to meetings and things were looking up until the lead up to Christmas he again disappeared, came back and again on Christmas eve said he was popping to the shops and was off again, this totally devastated me and my children. He showed up a couple of days after, yes I was glad he was alive and not in a cell but also so angry as his attitude was disgusting and I know them tell tell signs he is back on the tablets which he swears he is not! I just don't know what to do anymore, I wish I could run away but I have to be strong for my children. He is telling me he will get back to the meetings but doesn't sound sincere and also I can't see the point when I know he is still lying. I really am at my wits end and look and feel like I'm the one that's strung out on the drugs, pls help I love this man more than anything but just don't know what to do anymore. His mother thinks he is fine at least he is home so what's my problem? She also has a daughter that lives at home and has been on methadone forever as she is a heroin addict but it's hard as when my partner was off on a bender and we would all be going out of our minds I would have his mother saying it wouldn't be so bad if he was on the heroin or tablets, rather than the crack as at least he would be at home!!!! I feel like I'm losing my bloody mind! I apologise for the long essay and what I have wrote may not make sense but I really needed to reach out and get some advice on what to do.*
Apologies if i have posted in the wrong place but am new here, so posted elsewhere also.
Thanks in advance for reading.
I have come here desperately seeking advice, I met my partner who is an addict when he was in recovery. The man I fell in love with was the most kindest, loving man you could of ever met, he told me all about his past but I never held any of that against him as I was more interested in the man that was open and honest with me from the start and where he was going. I fell in love hard! Life was amazing until we moved back to where he was from by this point I was carrying our first child and instantly I seen a change once we were around his old area and family that all have a history of drugs or affected in some way. He started taking benzos behind my back and would blatantly lie even though he was passing out all the time, there was no hiding it. I had no help from his family as they would always cover up from him and lie also for him. This carried on for 6 months until he went off and relapsed on his drug of choice which is crack, he was missing for about a fortnight but would sneak home when I was out each time taking something from the home until there was nothing left to take he eventually ended up in prison. I forgave him only to find out he started on a methadone script! He eventually got out, got weaned off that then started taking subutex which he was on for about a year. Anyway a couple of years passed we had another child, then tragically his brother passed and not long after I noticed those signs that he was on something, he would be passing out on the sofa and would still lie to my face this sent me stir crazy and I would question my sanity constantly, this went on for a year when he just went out one day and disappeared for 3 days, I didn't know whether he was dead or alive only to find out he went back out there on the crack he admitted he was taking the benzos and subutex which he managed to manipulate the doctor again into having them all along and the lies finally got to him, he disappeared a few more times before he finally went away to get help. He came back a different man and was once again the main I fell in love with, honest, open and loving. He started going to meetings and things were looking up until the lead up to Christmas he again disappeared, came back and again on Christmas eve said he was popping to the shops and was off again, this totally devastated me and my children. He showed up a couple of days after, yes I was glad he was alive and not in a cell but also so angry as his attitude was disgusting and I know them tell tell signs he is back on the tablets which he swears he is not! I just don't know what to do anymore, I wish I could run away but I have to be strong for my children. He is telling me he will get back to the meetings but doesn't sound sincere and also I can't see the point when I know he is still lying. I really am at my wits end and look and feel like I'm the one that's strung out on the drugs, pls help I love this man more than anything but just don't know what to do anymore. His mother thinks he is fine at least he is home so what's my problem? She also has a daughter that lives at home and has been on methadone forever as she is a heroin addict but it's hard as when my partner was off on a bender and we would all be going out of our minds I would have his mother saying it wouldn't be so bad if he was on the heroin or tablets, rather than the crack as at least he would be at home!!!! I feel like I'm losing my bloody mind! I apologise for the long essay and what I have wrote may not make sense but I really needed to reach out and get some advice on what to do.*
Apologies if i have posted in the wrong place but am new here, so posted elsewhere also.
Thanks in advance for reading.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
pls help I love this man more than anything
i presume you mean EXCEPT for your children. THEY are what matter now. THEIR safety, THEIR security, THEIR future. they are small vulnerable and completely at the mercy of the decisions their parents make.
HE keeps choosing crack. prison didn't change him, your love didn't change him. having his babies didn't change him. trust me, heroin would NOT be an improvement....that's a statement made by a woman desperate on HOPE.
i presume you mean EXCEPT for your children. THEY are what matter now. THEIR safety, THEIR security, THEIR future. they are small vulnerable and completely at the mercy of the decisions their parents make.
HE keeps choosing crack. prison didn't change him, your love didn't change him. having his babies didn't change him. trust me, heroin would NOT be an improvement....that's a statement made by a woman desperate on HOPE.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
pls help I love this man more than anything
i presume you mean EXCEPT for your children. THEY are what matter now. THEIR safety, THEIR security, THEIR future. they are small vulnerable and completely at the mercy of the decisions their parents make.
HE keeps choosing crack. prison didn't change him, your love didn't change him. having his babies didn't change him. trust me, heroin would NOT be an improvement....that's a statement made by a woman desperate on HOPE.
i presume you mean EXCEPT for your children. THEY are what matter now. THEIR safety, THEIR security, THEIR future. they are small vulnerable and completely at the mercy of the decisions their parents make.
HE keeps choosing crack. prison didn't change him, your love didn't change him. having his babies didn't change him. trust me, heroin would NOT be an improvement....that's a statement made by a woman desperate on HOPE.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
fatherhood is a FULL TIME job, not something you do in between runs, not a part time gig....and not something you walk away from to do go hole up and do crack for days on end. being a parent is an honor and privilege......and should be the paramount driving force of one's life, once one has brought a child into the world.
right now, being the guiding force for the children falls solely to YOU. so do whatever you need to in order to get strong, and find the perspective you need. you can't beat HIS addiction for him. letting him come and go as he pleases, reinforces to him that it's ok to behave that way.
do you have family you can reach out to?
right now, being the guiding force for the children falls solely to YOU. so do whatever you need to in order to get strong, and find the perspective you need. you can't beat HIS addiction for him. letting him come and go as he pleases, reinforces to him that it's ok to behave that way.
do you have family you can reach out to?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
fatherhood is a FULL TIME job, not something you do in between runs, not a part time gig....and not something you walk away from to do go hole up and do crack for days on end. being a parent is an honor and privilege......and should be the paramount driving force of one's life, once one has brought a child into the world.
right now, being the guiding force for the children falls solely to YOU. so do whatever you need to in order to get strong, and find the perspective you need. you can't beat HIS addiction for him. letting him come and go as he pleases, reinforces to him that it's ok to behave that way.
do you have family you can reach out to?
right now, being the guiding force for the children falls solely to YOU. so do whatever you need to in order to get strong, and find the perspective you need. you can't beat HIS addiction for him. letting him come and go as he pleases, reinforces to him that it's ok to behave that way.
do you have family you can reach out to?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Welcome Witsend and I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. Most of us here have been through something similar.
Please read some of the stickies on this forum. Also if you can get to an Alanon meeting you may find it immensely helpful.
Do everything you can to take care of yourself and your children. Sometimes addicts recover but not always. Also recovery has to be their own choice. The more you can disengage from this man and put your energy into yourself and your kids the better. This is indeed difficult to do and the only way that you can significantly change the situation.
Please read some of the stickies on this forum. Also if you can get to an Alanon meeting you may find it immensely helpful.
Do everything you can to take care of yourself and your children. Sometimes addicts recover but not always. Also recovery has to be their own choice. The more you can disengage from this man and put your energy into yourself and your kids the better. This is indeed difficult to do and the only way that you can significantly change the situation.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hope and the idea of "keeping the family together" kept me stuck with my ex for a long time. I had to rethink my idea of what that meant. I wasn't the one abandoning and several times actively endangering the family to drink for days on end. Our happiness and well-being was the last thing on his mind. His top priority was drinking. It still is. After I left he arranged his whole life in order to protect his access to alcohol.
It's a very hurtful realization, but putting your children and yourself first will allow you to make the best decisions possible. My son loves his daddy too, and they are still able to have a relationship of sorts, though my ex just missed an opportunity to see him over Christmas break. But that was his choice.
When I was in your shoes I would have said he was a "good dad" too, but I had my bar set really low for what constituted acceptable behavior back then. Keep your distance from his family. Don't expect support from that corner. I made that mistake when I left.
It's a very hurtful realization, but putting your children and yourself first will allow you to make the best decisions possible. My son loves his daddy too, and they are still able to have a relationship of sorts, though my ex just missed an opportunity to see him over Christmas break. But that was his choice.
When I was in your shoes I would have said he was a "good dad" too, but I had my bar set really low for what constituted acceptable behavior back then. Keep your distance from his family. Don't expect support from that corner. I made that mistake when I left.
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Bekindalways & ladyscribbler thank you very much, I really appreciate your kind words and honesty. I really needed some clarity on all this and I am grateful to god for guiding me to this forum tonight. I feel I have hit my bottom emotionally and I need to also get help. I am going to attend my first al anon meeting on Monday. As much as it breaks my heart and pains me to let go, I do now realise the pain and damage I am also causing by holding on to something way beyond my control.
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Wonderful Witsend for finding a meeting. I so hope you find it helpful. If you don't find this meeting comfortable look for another one. They are all a bit different.
I love that you said .>>>>>" I do now realise the pain and damage I am also causing by holding on to something way beyond my control."
You are really figuring it out. Unfortunately understanding your role in the situation doesn't make it any less painful. I always felt I was doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia and came out the other end a lot more humble than I started - sigh. Keep posting here and may all that is divine love and courage wrap around you.
I love that you said .>>>>>" I do now realise the pain and damage I am also causing by holding on to something way beyond my control."
You are really figuring it out. Unfortunately understanding your role in the situation doesn't make it any less painful. I always felt I was doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia and came out the other end a lot more humble than I started - sigh. Keep posting here and may all that is divine love and courage wrap around you.
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witsend...
Welcome to the Board, and Happy New Year. This is a difficult time of year to be dealing with the sort of things you've described. Fortunately, you've come to a really good place, one where you will learn a lot about both addiction and how we've dealt with a loved one's addiction.
Well, my favorite rule of thumb about addicts is this: if their lips are moving, they're lying. The virtue this rule of thumb is it enables us to simplify our thinking and our response when confronted with (another) relapse. You have no reason to trust him, so don't.
As Anvil pointed out below your original post, your primary concern should be the safety and well being of your children. They need a parent who has their act together. They need you. It does not matter how much you love your partner. So long as he's using and continuing on this path, he's incapable of absorbing it. And he will do and say anything to get what he wants out of you. Don't fall for it. Protect yourself, protect your kids.
Keep us posted, Happy New Year, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board, and Happy New Year. This is a difficult time of year to be dealing with the sort of things you've described. Fortunately, you've come to a really good place, one where you will learn a lot about both addiction and how we've dealt with a loved one's addiction.
He is telling me he will get back to the meetings but doesn't sound sincere and also I can't see the point when I know he is still lying.
As Anvil pointed out below your original post, your primary concern should be the safety and well being of your children. They need a parent who has their act together. They need you. It does not matter how much you love your partner. So long as he's using and continuing on this path, he's incapable of absorbing it. And he will do and say anything to get what he wants out of you. Don't fall for it. Protect yourself, protect your kids.
Keep us posted, Happy New Year, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Glad you found us and the strength to reach out Its good you are going to give al-anon a try. Keep posting and reading here on SR you will learn allot about addiction and addict behaviors, it's amazing how when we first come here with our personal situations that we quickly learn we are not alone and others really do understand what we are going through..
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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witsend, what are your options for supporting the family? If he's disappearing for long periods I assume you don't have a steady income. Do you have family that can help you out if you decide to move back to your own home? It seems that your AP has so much enabling around him that he won't make significant efforts to quit while he's living in his home town. I'm not suggesting you move back with him in tow, but do it for your sake and the children's. At least you will have people to support you, and if your AP does get clean he'll be out of the toxic environment he's in at the moment.
You may have to start facing a sad reality and making plans for yourself and the children.
You may have to start facing a sad reality and making plans for yourself and the children.
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