story74

I haven't posted for awhile.

Nothing has changed with my x addict because he has not chosen recovery.

I have changed. Slowly, very slowly, I have learned to see the gaslighting, the denial and the blame for exactly what it is. I know I can't change him. Does that mean when I'm pushed I don't react...well, I am human. But, I react better than 4 years ago or even 6 months ago. Usually I have to fight even reacting. There is no point. I always tell myself it is a waste of energy. Let it go.

Currently he is trying to tell me one day my son will know the truth and I'm scared. WHAT? This got me upset. Is there a truth I don't know about. How can his truth be different from mine (deep denial). I mean he walked out on his marriage on cocaine, he cheated, he disappeared for years, but now I'm holding my son away from him...I'm the bad guy. He takes no responsibility for his actions. He still lies and he is inconsistent on supervised visits and/or a no call no show, but I am the one hurting my child. I am the one who should be scared because in the future my child will resent me. This is the 2nd time he has threatened to destroy my relationship with my child. And then in the same breath he wants me to dissolve supervised visits. This one got me. Not only do I have to deal with his family during the holidays ( which I find depressing and emotional), but I have to deal with him and his demands. His little temper tantrum because he wanted to show off in front of his mom and see his son alone. He is driven by his ego.

So, I'm ignoring him. I'm not even going to respond to his blame, denial and gaslighting, but it hurts. It hurts because once again Im disappointed that he just doesn't see he needs to really recover and get healthy. I'm disappointed because he is vindictive and angry ( although he keeps telling me he is not angry, um ok). And it does scare me that he thinks he will tell my child the "truth" in order to destroy our relationship. That blows my mind. I actually sat down and had a conversation ( child appropriately) with my child about this. I made sure he understood why we have supervised visits and also made sure he knew I have always been honest with him. I even explained how daddy thinks later in life he will resent me and that daddy thinks I'm holding him back from him. My son is intuitive, smart and gets it. It is super complicated because I told him that while daddy says he is not on drugs, his actions don't match his words. So until I feel I can trust him, we have supervised visits. It was a good talk. My addict got what he wanted...he upset me very much.

I just keep trying to do what is best. I've been told I have good judgment, but he can sometimes make me question myself...great gaslighter. It is just sad he won't get healthy. That will always break my heart. He is fighting recovery. He has never admitted having a drug problem. He always says he is fine. Right now he has a job and is faking it pretty well, but I don't buy it. Especially when in 4 months he has seen his son 4 times and been a no call no show 2 times. Oh, but when I reminded him of this and how he needed to be consistent and put his son first he told me that I cancelled 4 of those visits and that I am hurting my son. ( I never cancel, but 2 I had to cancel bc we were moving and he blew up at a visit and shook us up so wee needed some space plus I was moving. Then, we had a camping scheduled and the other he was really sick...which of course he never called to see how he was). See, I feel like I have to defend myself? Really? In the past year I think I have only cancelled visits if our child was sick. I take great care in making sure these visits happen. I have to legally. I went to see my lawyer, and there isn't much I can do. I can court order a hair follicle test, but I think I will wait. I don't have the money. And ultimately, my son wants to see him. The 2 hours supervised visits are perfect for us. We never hear from him otherwise.

It is just frustrating how he is not trying to earn trust or do the right thing, but then demands unsupervised visits. He just doesn't get it. He thinks he can do whatever he wants. I guess he is use to that.
He is also living with someone who is legally not allowed around our son, but has done nothing to change this. I'm pretty sure they do drugs together. This is the person he went away with on a coke binge when he initially left his family. Blows my mind he can't see that he needs to change.

He got me this time! Ugh.
Ignoring him. Venting to you, and moving on.
I really am beginning to hate holidays!

zoso77

This doesn't blow my mind at all. He's an addict. This is what addicts do. And speaking in probabilistic terms, he will never change.

You have been struggling with this for quite some time, and you're right, you've made progress. Is there any legal way for you to completely ice him once and for all?

Priscilla84

He sounds like he is doing what an addict does. But he also sounds like he might just be a natural ass independent of that too. Of course that's just my opinion of someone I've never even met, so take it with a grain of salt.

Trust your son's intuition and ability to see truth and logical reason. I have been told by professionals that kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and they see the truth. If dad hasn't been around and has been chaos and drama when he was around, and mom has always been there doing the heavy lifting, kids tend to not forget that stuff.

saw1978

Zoso is right... he really should be removed all together. That hair follicle test is a good plan to make that happen. I know you said your son wants to see him but there will come a time that he will lie to him to come out on top and those lies will be at your expense. He will make up what ever it takes to hurt you through the one relationship he knows you cherish the most!! (your son) I hope you are able to expose him for who he is before any more damage is done. I am rooting for you and your son! I have 2 sons myself and my RAH has stooped pretty low to try and rise above me. It usually isn't achieved except in their addict minds but it also isn't without damage to the poor kid in the cross fire... I wish for you strength and determination and a beautiful new year!

Stay Strong!
& God Bless!
S.

AnvilheadII

It hurts because once again Im disappointed that he just doesn't see he needs to really recover and get healthy.

Blows my mind he can't see that he needs to change.


i think when you can LET GO of the notion of what HE needs to do, or should do, and all the expectations that go along with that, the hurt you feel from being disappointed AGAIN will vanish.

he doesn't NEED to do anything....he gets to live HIS life exactly as he sees fit, with whomever he wishes and be the world's crappiest father to boot. he's not going to get "better" - everything is fine from where he stands. and that just IS what it IS.

letting him go completely, letting go of the hopes that he'll see the light, come back or even be a half-assed decent father who can visit with his son on a regular basis, will truly FREE YOU.

cynical one

When you are putting the welfare of your child first, never question if you're doing the right, best or fair thing.

Your son sounds like a smart cookie, in the future he will know who consistently took care of him, watched out for him, and loved him unconditionally. Don't let the threats of his version of the "truth" rattle you.

But, until your child is 18, I would document, document, document.

hopepraylove

I agree with Cynical on this one. I hope 2016 brings better experiences and new, fond memories with your child. Hugs.

Hawkeye13

This
Your ex may have money, but you are doing the real work of
raising a healthy, happy child.
It sounds like some pretty obvious transference to me.
He's saying you are doing what he's actually doing. . .crazy,
but it has worked so long so well that it has become a script of choice
for addicts badgering their ex-spouses.
Seriously. . .read more stories on here and you'll see the pattern clearly.
No, you aren't crazy and you're right, he's gaslighting and harrassing
you to get what he wants like spoilt child.

Stick to your guns.
Sadly, chances are he will find he way deeper into addiction again,
and may even find a partner who can "enjoy" it with him.
When that happens, he will be effectively distracted from
trying to hurt you via your son, at least most of the time.

I think his missed and cancelled visits are already a clear indicator
of his true interest in being a father.
I went years not seeing my alcoholic father--he had visitation,
but booze and his re-marriage effectively removed him from
my mother's and my life, except when they both got drunk and
would call each other to scream and blame-shift.
Ah, memories. . .

Hawkeye13

This
Your ex may have money, but you are doing the real work of
raising a healthy, happy child.
It sounds like some pretty obvious transference to me.
He's saying you are doing what he's actually doing. . .crazy,
but it has worked so long so well that it has become a script of choice
for addicts badgering their ex-spouses.
Seriously. . .read more stories on here and you'll see the pattern clearly.
No, you aren't crazy and you're right, he's gaslighting and harrassing
you to get what he wants like spoilt child.

Stick to your guns.
Sadly, chances are he will find he way deeper into addiction again,
and may even find a partner who can "enjoy" it with him.
When that happens, he will be effectively distracted from
trying to hurt you via your son.
I think his missed and cancelled visits are already a clear indicator
of his true interest in being a father.

I went years not seeing my alcoholic father--he had visitation,
but booze and his re-marriage effectively removed him from
my (also alcoholic )mother's and my life, except of course
when one or both got drunk and they
would call each other to scream and blame-shift.

Ah, memories. . .

ladyscribbler

Oh yuck. I'm so sorry you and your son are experiencing this. I'm in a similar situation with my ex and our son. Rather than do any of the court-mandated sobriety monitoring or alcohol treatment, he prefers to badmouth me and blame me for everything (kind of like when we were together, so not too much has changed there, lol).
I think you're handling this really well. I had a similar conversation with my son- talking about the disease of alcoholism, etc. Kids are smart and observant. The truth serves everyone best.
One thing, the court doesn't lay down those types of restrictions without cause. This isn't because "you don't feel you can trust him" to have unsupervised visits. It's because a JUDGE decided it. Everything your ex needs to do is laid down in black and white.
A member on the F&F of Alcoholics side made an excellent point about this very situation. If it were YOU, how would YOU be handling it? Because I personally would have a checklist and be doing everything I needed to make sure every item on that list was done. I would also have a calendar of dates and times when I had scheduled visitation and be counting the days until I got to see my child.
So don't take on any personal responsibility for this. Kids get sick, life happens. You are doing everything you're supposed to be doing.
Sending you and your little guy a big hug. I know how bad this feels. It hurts worse when they're doing it to the kids.

Vale

The nastiest thing I ever said to the addict I crossed paths with was:

"They are your children, not weapons to use on your ex".

It was the nastiest, most cold-hearted, mean, and vicious thing
I've ever said to anyone-----crafted from the heart of a wordsmith
of some minor competence.

It was designed to hurt as deeply as possible, and it did.

I don't regret saying it. The kids are off limits. Addicts get to screw up
their own lives. They DO NOT have the right to screw up the lives of their
children.

Saffy86

story74, thank you so much for your update. I just wanted to say how much it helped me because I am going through EXACTLY the same as what you are with my exAH - having to do supervised visits for our 2 young girls and dealing with his denial, lies, gaslighting, blame, manipulation and constant demands for unsupervised visits (cannot believe how your ex says the same things as mine!!). I cannot believe how far he goes just to hurt me (he even purposely flaunts his 20yr old girlfriend on social media knowing I will see). It's emotional torture and I keep questioning myself when he beats me down, but it helps knowing I'm not the only one and reading all these wonderful replies reminds me that I'm only ever trying to be a good mum to my beautiful girls (despite what he says). Thank you.
Saffy x

story74

Thanks for all support.

So Anvilhead you hit it on the nose! I was sitting on the top of the stairs crying and I realized that deep down inside I thought maybe this time he would listen and come around. I have got to let go. I try to stop myself every time I start looking at him and his life. It doesn't matter.

I am so thankful my son is doing well. I have been very honest with him, and he is in a good place. Thank god.

And of course after all this drama ( I did ignore his email, but did get upset)...guess what? He has enough nerve to cancel his visit this week. I literally laughed. That pretty much says it all doesn't it.

I am looking forward to the day he can't stir me up. Each day, month and year just keeps getting better and better.

Thank you.

And, HAPPY NEW YEAR! May we all have a blessed one!