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OT: Christmas Stories

Old 12-21-2015, 02:18 PM
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OT: Christmas Stories

So I'm dating again.

Yes. Me of all people. The guy who thought a month ago I was damaged goods and perhaps even unlovable is dating. And I feel 18 again instead of feeling 46, but although I feel like 18, there's some pretty serious boundaries that myself and the girl in question have put in place. She's been through the wars, too, as an adult child of two alcoholics. She, too, has made a handful of horrendous choices that came back and bit her in the backside. So the deal that we've cut with each other is we're not going to plunge into anything. We're not going to project into the future. We're not going to make promises to each other. We're simply going to be in the moment, enjoy each others company, and take things as they come.

Part of not plunging into anything is an agreement that we're not going to have sex anytime soon. Which was my idea. I am, in my own way, still quite fragile, and based on multiple conversations we've had, she is, too. And I think the worst thing we can do is plunge into that sexual and emotional intimacy without having any terra firma under our feet.

We're also not spending every minute of every day together. She's become quite independent, and I'm certainly as independent as they come. I'm comfortable enough in my own skin where I don't need to have someone be the absolute center of my universe. There are other things to life than chasing women at my age.

Like, for example, Guys Night Out.

Part of my own work when it comes to dealing with past Christmas trauma has been to replace bad Christmas memories with good ones. And towards that end, my best friend and I have started a tradition: the Friday before Christmas is Guys Night Out at the Capital Grille. This year we had a party of six, and we had an absolute feast. We started with the Grand Plateau -- Maine lobster, crab meat, oysters on the half shell, and shrimp cocktail. Then we purchased a 1.5 liter bottle of a 2013 Caymus Cabernet Sauvignon. My meal was a 10 oz Filet Mignon with a Kona coffee rub topped with shallot butter. For sides, we shared mashed potatoes, Parmesan truffle fries, grilled asparagus, and lobster mac and cheese. We all got dessert; in my case, I got the coconut cream pie and a shot of espresso. This was bookended by a Macallan 12 year old single malt, a Stoli Doli (pineapple infused Stolichnaya served chilled straight in a martini glass) , and an Armagnac. By the time we closed the place, the bill was $1500 with tip.

And worth every penny.


We laughed ourselves silly. The ages of the men at this particular table ranged from 31 (one of my buddies from college) to 57 (one of my best friend's buddies). It was an incredibly festive, incredibly happy evening. Boys will always be boys, and that's the way it ought to be.

I am leaving town on Wednesday to visit my brother in Georgia for Christmas. The last time I was down there, his daughter -- my niece -- was in rehab for alcoholism. It was an incredibly sad, really scary week. But my niece being my niece, she got her one year coin on December 11, and has stayed committed to a program that will lead her into (hopefully) a long recovery. I've seen enough to know that all it takes is one moment of weakness and/or denial for an addict or an alcoholic, and they're off and running again. There's no guarantee that she won't ever drink again. But I'm hopeful because she's always had a pragmatic streak about her, and perhaps crashing and burning once was enough for her.

So I'll be gone for a bit this week. I know some of you are struggling, and I know some of you are hurting, and for good reason. But struggling and hurting doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes all it takes is to let go and allow whatever is supposed to happen with our addicted loved ones to happen. Letting go doesn't necessarily take away our pain. But what it will do is put us on the path towards saving our sanity. And the saner we are, the better off we'll be down the line.

Anyway, this post is long. Merry Christmas to all of you, my SR friends. Be safe, God bless you and your loved ones, and I'll be back here sometime next week.

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Old 12-21-2015, 02:33 PM
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That was a beautiful share. Thanks zoso. Hope you have A Very Merry Christmas.
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Old 12-21-2015, 02:39 PM
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Love the post! Thanks for sharing...I'm happy you are seeing someone; you deserve to have someone special in your life.

I hope you have a merry Christmas!
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Old 12-21-2015, 03:22 PM
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I am so glad to hear this Zoso!

Merry Christmas to you!
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Old 12-21-2015, 03:34 PM
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(((zoso))) I am happy for your niece and happy for you.

Merry Christmas ,
and have a wonderful time, with everything.

chic
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Old 12-21-2015, 05:21 PM
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Have a wonderful holiday.
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Old 12-21-2015, 07:21 PM
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Do you have any idea how healthy and happy your post sounds? I love that you have found love, healthy love and wish you both wonderful adventures and much happiness.

Merry Christmas, Zoso, and best wishes for a joyous and wonderful new year

Hugs and hugs
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Old 12-21-2015, 08:45 PM
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Do you have any idea how healthy and happy your post sounds? I love that you have found love, healthy love and wish you both wonderful adventures and much happiness.
It's something more simple and grounded than "love". And that's connection. She's been through a lot, and she's shared a lot...perhaps too much. Me, I've been through a lot, but I'm taking a more conservative approach. She doesn't need to know everything that has happened with me the past 6 years right now. When the time's right, I'll slowly share.

What I know is I enjoy spending time with her, and I'm getting to know her a bit at a time. And that's a good thing. There's no pressure. There's no plan. It's just being in that moment, and being grateful for those moments with her.

It's a fair amount of work to self monitor...to set boundaries...to keep yourself safe, and in my case, to keep her safe, too. But that's preferable to blindly jumping off a cliff. It's good to be cautious.

But yes, Ann...I'm happy. Imagine that...
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Old 12-22-2015, 11:11 AM
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Have a great trip and a great Christmas. Happy is awesome!

Good thing you are going slow with your friend, since you probably wouldn't be able to afford an expensive present after that dinner.
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Old 12-22-2015, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by greeteachday View Post
Have a great trip and a great Christmas. Happy is awesome!

Good thing you are going slow with your friend, since you probably wouldn't be able to afford an expensive present after that dinner.
I actually took her to the Capital Grille the week before...
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Old 12-23-2015, 06:18 AM
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Thank you Zoso, so much for this uplifting and joyous share!! I'm very happy for you and the resurrection of butterflies!!! What a wonderful thing! Thank you from the bottom of my hear for a dash of envy lol, but a bucket of hope! God bless you and yours this holiday season and congrats to your niece!! Safe travels to you also!

To New Beginning's!!
S.
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Old 12-23-2015, 11:20 AM
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Bottom of my HEART!! ; )
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Old 12-24-2015, 09:03 AM
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Thanks!

Great story! And I would totally date you! Merry Christmas and thanks for your wisdom all year through.
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Old 12-25-2015, 05:52 PM
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Zoso, you deserve someone really great. And you deserve to be happy. I hope this works out the way it is supposed to for both of you!!!!
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Old 01-03-2016, 09:58 AM
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Postscript

So my niece is doing well. But she started seeing someone in the program before she had a year of sobriety under her belt. The guy in question is very nice and (supposedly) has 4 years of sobriety. But I can't help but think he Thirteenth Stepped with my niece, and that worries me.

Still, nothing I can do about it. My niece is 27 years old. And while I question her decision, she's certainly earned the right to make her own decisions...and her own mistakes.

And as for me, my lady friend and I got together the night after my return from Georgia at a lovely restaurant. We realized we missed each other over Christmas, and we realized we wanted to be with each other. This means that I am, at age 46, officially off the market.

It feels great.

Happy New Year, everyone.

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Old 01-03-2016, 10:16 AM
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Congratulations!
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Old 01-03-2016, 11:50 AM
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so happy for you zoso ! We never know the surprises waiting for us when we think we may be out of the game. Happy New Year to you
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