I Wish I Had Someone to Talk With
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
I Wish I Had Someone to Talk With
I wish there were someone I could talk with about my experiences with my recovering-addict-ex-friend. I have friends I can talk to about how I feel, but not about this ex-friend. None of my other friends knows he is an addict, recovering or actively using.
I don't even know, now. We haven't talked in two months, so I guess we aren't even friends anymore and I should just let it go the way he let me and our friendship go, with no regret at all.
I just worry about him. I know people aren't supposed to worry about each other, but I do. I worried about him when he was using, I worried about him when he quit and started on methadone, I worry about him now because the last time we talked he was so weird.
I think that instead of really liking me the way he said he did, he was just using me all along. I stayed with him through two attempts to quit using, with suboxone, I found him a methadone clinic and he started going there, but complained about the staff there.
The last two times we talked he was so angry at me, and accusing me of such weird things, that I got scared and told him not to call me or text me anymore and I said I couldn't help him anymore.
I have felt bad about saying that. Because even though he was so mad, and so weird, I was there to help him, be his friend, and the last thing I said was to please leave me alone. That was right after he told me I needed help -- "Goodbye" -- and not to call his house anymore.
I wish I could let it go, and walk away from the memories, and from keeping on posting on this forum.
I guess I don't belong here anymore because I guess I'm no longer a friend of a substance abuser, just an ex-friend of a hopefully recovering addict who is succeeding at recovery.
I know some people here said it is dangerous being friends with an addict. Maybe now he thinks I am dangerous because I "knew him when" and he doesn't trust me.
I don't even know, now. We haven't talked in two months, so I guess we aren't even friends anymore and I should just let it go the way he let me and our friendship go, with no regret at all.
I just worry about him. I know people aren't supposed to worry about each other, but I do. I worried about him when he was using, I worried about him when he quit and started on methadone, I worry about him now because the last time we talked he was so weird.
I think that instead of really liking me the way he said he did, he was just using me all along. I stayed with him through two attempts to quit using, with suboxone, I found him a methadone clinic and he started going there, but complained about the staff there.
The last two times we talked he was so angry at me, and accusing me of such weird things, that I got scared and told him not to call me or text me anymore and I said I couldn't help him anymore.
I have felt bad about saying that. Because even though he was so mad, and so weird, I was there to help him, be his friend, and the last thing I said was to please leave me alone. That was right after he told me I needed help -- "Goodbye" -- and not to call his house anymore.
I wish I could let it go, and walk away from the memories, and from keeping on posting on this forum.
I guess I don't belong here anymore because I guess I'm no longer a friend of a substance abuser, just an ex-friend of a hopefully recovering addict who is succeeding at recovery.
I know some people here said it is dangerous being friends with an addict. Maybe now he thinks I am dangerous because I "knew him when" and he doesn't trust me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Firesong, these forums are for and about you, us, and not our addicted loved ones, of course you belong here.
Early in my son's addiction I too found it hard to find someone safe to talk to, someone who would just listen and not judge. I found several people like that when I went to my first meetings. They knew how I felt because they had been there and in many cases I could learn from their experience, strength and hope. I DID learn from them and as I learned, I began applying what worked for them to my own life. It helped me regain my balance and sanity.
Maybe take a look around your area and see if there are some Nar-Anon, Al-anon or CoDA meetings, and then go, go to several until you find one that you feel comfortable with. They are similar fellowships and any of them will offer help to you. In my early days and for about 10 years I went to Al-anon and CoDA both and it helped me more than anything else could.
I hope you find your peace with all this. When our addicted loved ones move on or disappear (my son has been missing for about 11 years) we often find that "we" still need help healing and caring for ourselves and also we need help to figure our why we allowed our lives to get so out of control and what we can do to stop that from becoming a lifestyle.
Hugs
Early in my son's addiction I too found it hard to find someone safe to talk to, someone who would just listen and not judge. I found several people like that when I went to my first meetings. They knew how I felt because they had been there and in many cases I could learn from their experience, strength and hope. I DID learn from them and as I learned, I began applying what worked for them to my own life. It helped me regain my balance and sanity.
Maybe take a look around your area and see if there are some Nar-Anon, Al-anon or CoDA meetings, and then go, go to several until you find one that you feel comfortable with. They are similar fellowships and any of them will offer help to you. In my early days and for about 10 years I went to Al-anon and CoDA both and it helped me more than anything else could.
I hope you find your peace with all this. When our addicted loved ones move on or disappear (my son has been missing for about 11 years) we often find that "we" still need help healing and caring for ourselves and also we need help to figure our why we allowed our lives to get so out of control and what we can do to stop that from becoming a lifestyle.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Hey Firesong, please keep coming and posting all you want. You are exactly who this forum is for.
It has been decades since I left my ABF but I still think about him as well as the best way to love an addict. We may no longer be in the physical presence of the addict but many of us carry this person in our hearts for our entire lives (specially if it is your own son like Ann). May the new year bring you healing and at least a bit of joy.
It has been decades since I left my ABF but I still think about him as well as the best way to love an addict. We may no longer be in the physical presence of the addict but many of us carry this person in our hearts for our entire lives (specially if it is your own son like Ann). May the new year bring you healing and at least a bit of joy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
we never stop wondering about someone we care about, but we can keep going forward, giving them the space that they need.
Each person here, keeps this forum going. Please keep sharing, for yourself and for others. Hugs, Joie
Each person here, keeps this forum going. Please keep sharing, for yourself and for others. Hugs, Joie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Hi Firesong. For whatever it may be worth, I think you did the right thing in setting the boundary and telling him you can't help him anymore. You did more than enough, and I hope you don't have any guilt over saying that. The truth is you can't help him. No one could unless he truly wants the help. Your help would only hurt you more and not do a lick of good for him.
One thing I always remind myself is that it's useless to analyze their behavior and try to figure out what they are thinking and what this or that means. They themselves don't know, so how could we possibly?? When I start to go down that path I tell myself "stop! You can't make sense of a scrambled egg brain."
You'll be on a roller coaster of emotions. You will feel okay one moment and awful the next. Try to remind yourself that those okay moments will be back again. Post here as much as you need. Do what you need to do to find some peace.
One thing I always remind myself is that it's useless to analyze their behavior and try to figure out what they are thinking and what this or that means. They themselves don't know, so how could we possibly?? When I start to go down that path I tell myself "stop! You can't make sense of a scrambled egg brain."
You'll be on a roller coaster of emotions. You will feel okay one moment and awful the next. Try to remind yourself that those okay moments will be back again. Post here as much as you need. Do what you need to do to find some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
He was so nice to me at first. We would run errands together, hang out together watching TV, talking about anything and everything. We talked about everything but sex, never had sex, he wanted us to be platonic. I had no problem with that, wasn't brought up to have sex with friends, but hey, a "relationship" would have been OK, I just didn't want to mess up my heart and he said he didn't want to risk losing my friendship.
Then he started being not so nice. Finding fault. Criticizing, When he tried going cold turkey detox at home he'd tell me to hide his keys, his wallet, then when he got so miserable and I could see it wasn't working and his "vacation" time was running out, he'd go back and score again. And then the next tim he told me to do the same thing, and I did, and it didn't work, and then the next time he decided not to even try and he blew up at me for the two previous times. It was like he'd get mad about something I did, or said, but he wouldn't let me know till months later and then he'd blow up at me like he'd been storing all that anger for weeks.
Then when he finally got onto the methadone treatment and we went to the mountains for a real vacation he was in a bad mood the whole time, when he wasn't actually criticizing me he would just sit around and not talk, not do anything. He was like a different person, because we used to talk a lot, about all kinds of things. I don't know why he even invited me to go with him, he obviously didn't enjoy my company at all.
I shouldn't miss him. I shouldn't care how he's doing. I should hate him as much as he obviously hates me.
But that's not how I am. I don't make friends easily and when I do, they are FRIENDS. I care about them. And he seemed to care about me. He would get so hurt when his other friends dumped him, and so sad when he would hear about a former friend dying. He seemed to miss those friends so I figured he valued his friends.
I guess he never really considered me a friend after all, even though he used to hug me hello and goodbye and occasionally say I love you.
I just don't get it. How such a good friendship, especially one that was "just" a friendship and not a "relationship," could turn into such a nightmare and I have no chance to make amends or ask forgiveness.
Then he started being not so nice. Finding fault. Criticizing, When he tried going cold turkey detox at home he'd tell me to hide his keys, his wallet, then when he got so miserable and I could see it wasn't working and his "vacation" time was running out, he'd go back and score again. And then the next tim he told me to do the same thing, and I did, and it didn't work, and then the next time he decided not to even try and he blew up at me for the two previous times. It was like he'd get mad about something I did, or said, but he wouldn't let me know till months later and then he'd blow up at me like he'd been storing all that anger for weeks.
Then when he finally got onto the methadone treatment and we went to the mountains for a real vacation he was in a bad mood the whole time, when he wasn't actually criticizing me he would just sit around and not talk, not do anything. He was like a different person, because we used to talk a lot, about all kinds of things. I don't know why he even invited me to go with him, he obviously didn't enjoy my company at all.
I shouldn't miss him. I shouldn't care how he's doing. I should hate him as much as he obviously hates me.
But that's not how I am. I don't make friends easily and when I do, they are FRIENDS. I care about them. And he seemed to care about me. He would get so hurt when his other friends dumped him, and so sad when he would hear about a former friend dying. He seemed to miss those friends so I figured he valued his friends.
I guess he never really considered me a friend after all, even though he used to hug me hello and goodbye and occasionally say I love you.
I just don't get it. How such a good friendship, especially one that was "just" a friendship and not a "relationship," could turn into such a nightmare and I have no chance to make amends or ask forgiveness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Priscilla84, I just read your post. I guess you were posting yours while I was writing mine. 
I really think I really meant it when I told him I couldn't help him anymore. I did say it out of hurt feelings, but before that I had thought long and hard about how I would respond if he ever told me he was using again and needed me to stay with him through home detox. I'm not a doctor, I don't know what to really do, other than stuff I've read and things we had talked about. And I really didn't want to put myself through that again. I was scared for him and I knew I couldn't really help him other than be there and make sure he stayed hydrated and ate when he could.
I am definitely feeling that roller coaster! I'm either crying, or worrying, or just plain missing him (we just "clicked," you know? we were buddies, and we had each other's backs, too). Then when i start feeling better I feel like I shouldn't feel better when I don't know how he is. Like I shouldn't stop caring.
I have been taking care of myself and getting some peace this holiday. I haven't even left my apartment in 3 days! It's been great, I haven't had to deal with traffic, weird neighbors, rude drivers, or trying to do business with anyone on the phone. It's just been me and the cat and the Christmas tree and reading (chick lit, Bible, humor), and watching Christmas movies on TV.
I really think I really meant it when I told him I couldn't help him anymore. I did say it out of hurt feelings, but before that I had thought long and hard about how I would respond if he ever told me he was using again and needed me to stay with him through home detox. I'm not a doctor, I don't know what to really do, other than stuff I've read and things we had talked about. And I really didn't want to put myself through that again. I was scared for him and I knew I couldn't really help him other than be there and make sure he stayed hydrated and ate when he could.
I am definitely feeling that roller coaster! I'm either crying, or worrying, or just plain missing him (we just "clicked," you know? we were buddies, and we had each other's backs, too). Then when i start feeling better I feel like I shouldn't feel better when I don't know how he is. Like I shouldn't stop caring.
I have been taking care of myself and getting some peace this holiday. I haven't even left my apartment in 3 days! It's been great, I haven't had to deal with traffic, weird neighbors, rude drivers, or trying to do business with anyone on the phone. It's just been me and the cat and the Christmas tree and reading (chick lit, Bible, humor), and watching Christmas movies on TV.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
They are all nice in the beginning. And many times they are nice people and they are being genuine with you. None of us recognize our loved one when they start using again.
I wouldn't bother to assume he hates you or has forgotten about you or doesn't value your friendship, or anything else along those lines. There is no way to know, and it's just as likely to not be true as it is to be true. Drug use changes them- personality and priorities. There is no use in trying to figure out how they feel or in taking it personally. There is only value in looking at their actions now and realizing that the person they are now is not someone you want in your life at this time.
I know the roller coaster well. I am still on it myself. My relationship also ended two months ago. It's hard and no one here would deny that. It's why we are here. Do whatever you need to do to feel okay, and yeah those Christmas movies helped me a lot too, haha. Also playing games on my phone or an iPad that require some concentration. I like Word Brain and 7 Little Words. Crossword puzzles are good too. When I was in school I loved doing math homework when I was depressed, and I HATE math normally. Concentrating on figuring out something like that can give your mind a break.
I wouldn't bother to assume he hates you or has forgotten about you or doesn't value your friendship, or anything else along those lines. There is no way to know, and it's just as likely to not be true as it is to be true. Drug use changes them- personality and priorities. There is no use in trying to figure out how they feel or in taking it personally. There is only value in looking at their actions now and realizing that the person they are now is not someone you want in your life at this time.
I know the roller coaster well. I am still on it myself. My relationship also ended two months ago. It's hard and no one here would deny that. It's why we are here. Do whatever you need to do to feel okay, and yeah those Christmas movies helped me a lot too, haha. Also playing games on my phone or an iPad that require some concentration. I like Word Brain and 7 Little Words. Crossword puzzles are good too. When I was in school I loved doing math homework when I was depressed, and I HATE math normally. Concentrating on figuring out something like that can give your mind a break.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Firesong you are absolutely doing the right thing by setting a boundary and taking care of yourself.
You so spoke the truth when you said, "I can't help you anymore." Even if you wanted to help him, it just isn't possible. Unfortunately the pain in these situations is beyond intense. It will eventually stop hurting so much but grieving takes time. Continue to take care of yourself: eat healthy, stay hydrated, and get a bit of exercise if you can.
May 2016 hold healing, hope and many new joys for you.
You so spoke the truth when you said, "I can't help you anymore." Even if you wanted to help him, it just isn't possible. Unfortunately the pain in these situations is beyond intense. It will eventually stop hurting so much but grieving takes time. Continue to take care of yourself: eat healthy, stay hydrated, and get a bit of exercise if you can.
May 2016 hold healing, hope and many new joys for you.
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