Saffy86

Would denial really be strong enough that they would do a £600 hair strand test going back 6 months to prove that they are clean from both drugs and alcohol? Even though he has previously admitted using and drinking back in August and I've had a witness who saw him drinking just last week!? Not to mention his admission on an email in October that he "struggles with addiction". It seems he has definitely done the test (he sent me photos of the samples and forms he filled in). He is desperate for unsupervised time with his children but I am so frightened of being manipulated by him and putting them at risk he is gaslighting (calling me a monster and evil for not letting him take the girls and saying they are suffering because of me and by saying he is questioning my own parenting because I suffer with anxiety due to his treatment of me) and he is now threatening court action and says he will soon be "taking the girls" from me whether I like it or not.
Saffy x

ladyscribbler

My ex tried all kinds of intimidation tactics to get unsupervised visits with our son. He ended up with a court order full of restrictions and criteria he has to meet in order to get any type of visitation.
Sending photos of samples and forms is hardly proof of him having actually submitted them and paid to take the test. It sounds more like he is trying to scare you into giving him his way.
Sorry I don't know your whole story. Is there already a court order in place regarding visitation? Do you have a lawyer (solicitor I guess, since it looks like you're in the UK)?
Can you limit contact and have him communicate only through your solicitors? That helped me to eliminate a lot of my ex's worst nonsense, once he realized that he would have to pay money to harass me and try to start crap like what your ex is doing.

Saffy86

Thank you, ladyscribbler. My gut is telling me that he is simply raising the bar with the manipulation etc, but it's so hard not to question myself..... Especially with his constant bullying there is no court order in place - we tried "mediation" in October but he was ordered to take the hair tests and he then cancelled the next session, sent an email to a therapist admitting his addiction and asking for help then pretended he wanted to get back with me (and dumped his girlfriend). Now I have heard he is still in contact with her (she's a drinker and user too from what I've heard) and he's swung back to bullying me and threatening court and seemingly taking the tests he wanted to avoid in the first place.
Sadly I have no solicitor - I have been turned down for legal aid as I do not have enough proof of his emotional abuse and that he's a risk to the children (despite him attracting attention of health visitors due to hospitalisation from Tramadol overdose). I am a single mum to 2 small children and am relying on benefits at present as I am unable work until the youngest starts nursery, even then it will have to be term time only work and I haven't much hope of affording a solicitor. I have no help with childcare from family members.
Saffy x

ladyscribbler

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I was lucky to get help from Legal Aid here in the States. I don't know what I would have done without that help, especially since my ex found the money (probably from his wife) to hire an expensive lawyer. He lost anyway, but it was still an awful experience. Especially that in-between time before there was a court order in place but after mediation failed. He really ramped up his crazymaking and manipulation during that time. One big thing that helped me was keeping a journal. I had documentation of five years of his drinking and dangerous behavior, specific incidents with dates. It really helped me a lot in the final court fight. I also set a boundary that I wouldn't talk to him/email/text/interact with him if he had been drinking, which was pretty much always, though I did set up a weekly phone call with our son on Sundays. We live quite a distance apart, so it wasn't a matter of him dropping by for visits, and that way I had proof that I wasn't trying to prevent him having a relationship with our son.
It's a hard road when you're protecting your children from addiction, but for me it was worth the fight. We're here for you. Sending lots of hugs and strength your way.

Saffy86

Thank you so much - just knowing that you guys are here and that I'm not the only one actually helps a lot. My AH comes from an extremely wealthy family (I am talking £millions) and he has access to very good solicitors. Like you, I have documented everything and have compiled a file of evidence against him, should he start court proceedings. I just have to hope that even with the best solicitors, surely any judge in the land will see that he's not fit to be a good father to our children. I have so much evidence against him, all I can try to do is protect my girls.
Saffy x

Saffy86

He has been emailing me today saying that of course the tests he has taken will show SOME alcohol and to expect none would be unrealistic and unfair. He said the test will prove he's drinking responsibly, it will prove he's not abusing drugs or alcohol. But he told me previously he wasn't drinking at all!?

Hawkeye13

He's full of crap--drinking is drinking
Alcoholics really can't drink "responsibly" because if we could we would.

Have you checked with your local Women's shelter / advocate to see if you can
get some legal help there?

If I were you, I would simply say you are sticking to the mediation conditions with no exceptions.

ladyscribbler

It's like they all have the same script. My ex said the exact same thing. In mediation (August) he "hadn't had a drink in a year" and his wife didn't allow alcohol in the house and she'd never seen him drunk.
But then at the trial (November) their whole story changed. He had magically learned to moderate his drinking and he and his wife both said under oath that he drinks "1 or 2 beers once a month" and so doesn't need any type of supervision or alcohol monitoring during his visits.
Ignore this crap. If he wants to spend a load of his own money to demonstrate that he's still drinking (because really, that's what he's doing), I say let him.

AnvilheadII

oh what a load of crap! a TEST that PROVES that one is drinking responsibly????

he has admitted he IS drinking. so NOTHING has changed. if spending time with his children were THAT important, he would not touch a drop....

don't buy it. don't waiver. and don't let his **** poor attempts at manipulation and mind games get to you. HE's the one that's f'd up, not you.

Saffy86

Thank you guys, the gaslighting and manipulation and lies are so hard to deal with, I end up questioning myself every time!! You have helped me to remember to stay strong and not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. It's so bizarre how his behaviour goes round and round in circles - he threatens, gaslights, then acts like a victim and says he's trying to help me!? Then back again. If I could go no contact I would do it in a heartbeat (having children with him means I can't completely, though I ignore as much as I can!).
Saffy x