Needabreak

You have reason to be weirded out. I think everyone who has read your posts agrees.

Fabat50

What are your concerns about naming the institution? No one here knows or can identify you or your husband....

NoelleR

Although I agree with you regarding this particular 'center,' I disagree with: "...a rehab that puts pictures of patients on its website IS NOT a legitimate rehab..."

I know a number of folks who have gone through treatment at Betty Ford and Hazelden (when they were two separate centers and now since they've been merged). I would consider these to be legitimate rehabs, and the pictures of patients on their websites are real, not models or actors. ...and most treatment center websites include testimonials, also by patients and not actors.

(o:

hopepraylove

Wow, we have such a similar story. My ex was an IV H user and relapsed on narcotic pain killers too...he is also a Vet with PTSD...Just wanted to say I'll be keeping you in my prayers. This will be a challenging and difficult time, but there is a ton of support in these forums.

Hugs.

Fabat50

But in their case it was real people who have ALREADY been through rehab and successfully completed the programme and with their express permission. They don't just take a bunch of people going through treatment and then take a picture of them outside!! There are all kinds of laws governing image rights and privacy!! It is too weird for words.

Vale

With all due respect, I have a lot of experience with things martial and this does not pass the smell test of ANYTHING having to do with the VA. Anything having to do with a publicly funded organization like the VA has an open, transparent structure. These are public monies and I can assure you with 100% certainty that every penny is accounted for ........or someone (with something to lose) is going to get a career ending haircut.

Sorry for the acidic tone. But as fewer and fewer of us have any real experience in things martial---these "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" BS 'secrecy' stories proliferate.

Believe you me. Every unit has a Commanding Officer and/or Principal. If so much as a single weapon serial number cannot be accounted for----their career is OVER. Intentional impropriety can easily earn one a decade or two at hard labor in Leavenworth.

Bottom line. I smell a rat. I would ask for official verification of affiliation, falsification of which is a federal felony. And before you let yourself get blown off with any "don't you worry a bit, little lady"------realize one thing, these people WORK FOR YOU (as I did when I was in). You hold the HIGHEST rank (civilian).Your legitimate questions about the status of your spouse will be answered quickly and courteously and formally----or heads will roll.

Do you know what strikes terror into the heart of every 4 star General/Admiral or Federal department head? A spouse with the telephone number of her congressman/woman.

nutmeg19

I first contacted the VA while my fiancé was in the hospital (psych ward, due to the PSTD, he was there a week)...they gave me info about this particular rehab and that was where they recommended he go (they have a contract with the rehab and this is where they send men). At first we were told that this was a program WITHIN the VA, but then later I found out that it's not linked WITH the VA, but just a rehab with a contract with the VA, a place the VA recommends for military men who are addicted and dealing with PTSD.

Since my fiancé and I aren't legally married yet, I don't know how much pull I really have here, with the VA or military in general.

jjj111

Nutmeg, how are things going in your life? You've mentioned in other posts that you are struggling to find a job, buy a car, and get out of an unpleasant living situation where you and your daughter are living with your mentally unstable mother. I can understand why the contact policy of this place is unsettling, but he has chosen to be there and could presumably leave if he doesn't like it. It doesn't sound like there's much you can do to get him out, especially because you two aren't married. Maybe the best thing you can do to improve the situation is to focus on getting yourself into a healthier space?

nutmeg19

He's staying THERE because he feels like he has to. Because of his breakdown and relapse and the fact that his three children were with him when he had a breakdown (my daughter was not), there are CPS cases for me and the bio mother of his kids. He doesn't want to leave a program (even to go to another) if doing so will jeopardize the cases. My case was closed very quickly and the case for his ex was never opened (at least, CPS has no record of her case ever being open now, which is strange, but that's what they are telling me and his ex), but he doesn't know any of this because he is in rehab. If he knew that it was okay for him to leave there to go to another facility, I know he would. He didn't want to stay at this facility, he said this when they told us how long the no-contact policy was, but they wouldn't allow us to talk about it when we tried, they took him away right then. So he won't leave if he thinks it will screw up any CPS cases (which, like I said, he doesn't know now that all of that is already done and closed). That's what is mainly holding him there.

And I am NOT at all saying I just want him to leave and never go to any rehab. I'm just saying that this has turned out to be a nightmare and he CAN get help somewhere else, there are other facilities way better suited to a man with a family.

As for my life, I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to make my life better. I have been searching for a job for 2 months (I was a stay-home mom for 10+ years with no college before this, so it's been kind of insane...I am applying at ALL kinds of jobs. I'm a great employee, I work hard, I am easily trained on the job, but I can't even get an interview. It's been REALLY rough)...since I have no car, that also throws a wrench into things, slightly. And as for the living situation, if I had ANYWHERE else to go, I would. Believe me. I am NOT bound to my parents house. I do NOT want to be here. It's better than living on the streets or in a homeless shelter, for now. But I am looking into sober living homes to see if I can go that route. Again, though, it's all about trying to align my living situation with a job and transportation and my daughter (she has sensory issues, so that's another issue we deal with).

Trust me, I am a STRONG woman. I don't sit down, I fight. I have fought all my life, I'm used to it. But I feel like I have been kicked repeatedly by life this year...my entire life crumbled all in one big swoop of a week.

Fabat50

I agree with JJJ111.... this is not about him, it is about you. You know in your heart that there is something not right with the situation. I have read all 4 of your previous threads and they all say the same thing. And all the lovely members here keep saying it does not sound at best "right" and worst it sounds unhealthy and "dangerous". I personally ask myself if your partner is not actually deliberately deceiving you some how and hiding something but that is a personal view. So the way I see it either:

1 You go to the police, communicate the name of the place, go and knock on the door and demand to speak to your partner or do anything that will give you the CONCRETE answers you are seeking regarding his whereabouts, treatment plan and well being once and for all. or

2 You concentrate 100 percent on you, your child, your health, your well being ... forget about all the doubts about your partner etc... and if this is, in the unlikely case, legit then hopefully he will come back to you safe and sound and well AND you will be in a happier place too. And if he doesn't come back you will be even stronger than you are now to deal with it.

In your shoes I would DEMAND clarification from those involved, and the police if necessary. Once you know what is really going on you can then work on your life.

My words may sound harsh. But I feel for you truly I do. However it seems like you don't want to listen to what people here are telling you. You continue to post on several threads , going round in circles, looking for reassurance that you are not going to get.

You ARE a strong woman. You ARE a fighter. You have an obligation to your daughter. Take things in hand once and for all.

Good luck and God bless you and your family.

nutmeg19

It's a legit place. I've been there and have spoken with others who were there. The VA has a contract with this place. I'm just saying that I don't believe this place is right for him, for his situation, and I don't trust a place that isn't fully honest from the get-go, especially with a man's soon-to-be wife (who he has given permission with them to speak with). I do call for updates, but the updates are limited to once a month now and they say basically the same things.

This is just a REALLY strict place. The way they run it is really strange to me, because I don't trust anything that seems like they are brainwashing or trying to seclude someone from their family, etc. But again, I only came here and posted this to hear from ANYONE else who has been in my position...a spouse of a person who is in a facility such as this. I wasn't really here asking what I should do or to gain sympathy...I just want to talk to people who are like me, who understand...because it's hard to listen to anyone who doesn't have a REAL idea of what it's like to have a spouse away for a year with no contact.

I think I already know what I'm going to do. I can work on myself and my life, as I do every day...I mean, that's the easiest part, I guess...I HAVE to get up and live every day, so I just do what I need to do. What else IS there to do? I live a life with my daughter, I talk to my stepkids, I look for a job. I am constantly pushing to move forward. I may not look like I'm going anywhere right NOW, but soon I will have a job somewhere and that will be one less thing for me to worry about. My life is the least of my worries right now....it's the easiest part because I HAVE to do it.

Fabat50

You look like you are doing a GREAT job, in terribly difficult circumstances. I am not judging you at all. If I keep posting it is because I empathise with you and I am worried about your situation.

But as you say yourself, you would like to speak to a spouse who has experienced what you are going through. Yet no one has stepped forward to say that they have been through that. Which is what is worrying people here... it sounds so odd. No one has been refused contact with a spouse in rehab for 3/6/12 months. I myself live in Europe so it is perhaps not the same as in the states. But I do work in the medical field and I can tell you categorically that here 3/4 weeks is the very longest time patients go without speaking, even if it is only by phone after that time, to their children and family. And that after the first month family counselling is a must.

All I am trying to say is believe in yourself as a woman and a mother first and foremost.

cynical one

You keep saying this. You are NOT going to find a single person whose loved one has been in a "facility" that doesn't allow contact for this amount of time. As far as everyone with decades of experience is concerned, legitimate facilities like this DO NOT EXIST in civilized countries. Even a lock-down facility in a solitary prison complex allows contact.

I'm not sure if you're being naïve or deceptive, but I cannot see anyone not contacting every authority available demanding to know he is alive and well. His getting treatment for addiction would be at the very absolute bottom of my list of priorities.

hopepraylove

I think your comment is a bit harsh. She is only reiterating that she is looking to find someone who can relate to her experience. Saying she is being naive or deceptive is a bold statement.

Nutmeg, perhaps you can elaborate a bit more on the extent of research you've done on the particular facility? Have you tried contacting his psychiatrist from the VA? That assisted me greatly when I was weighing out options with my ex fiance. Hugs X

Needabreak

I don't think it's harsh. Direct maybe (which can ruffle some codependent feathers), but not harsh. The op has asked this question about 10 times, and EVERY poster who has responded has stated that there's something fishy about either the rehab or the story. Reputable rehabs DO NOT keep addicts separated from the outside world for over a year.

Fabat50

I do not agree that Cynical one is being harsh. OP has started 4 threads on this subject and not one single person has been able to relate to her experience. So what Cynical (and myself) are trying to say is that if 50 + people have said we believe something irregular/illegal/ dangerous is happening then maybe the OP should start to take that on board rather than keep seeking for that "mystical" person who has had a loved one go into rehab for a 12 month no contact with the family programme even in an outright emergency. Come on you guys, get real. Something is going on, and we need to encourage OP to face the reality.

hopepraylove

IMO there are ways to be direct without name calling. People come to these forums for advice, not to be berated. But, we can just agree to disagree and keep the focus on the OP.

Fabat50

Yes but how can we keep the focus on the OP if everyone here is saying exactly the same thing?! There is no name calling. People are trying to be helpful and by being helpful they need to speak honestly. I personally think that the OP needs to hear some straight talk. "Poor you" is not going to help her. And we are all here to help each other at the end of the day? Aren't we?

zoso77

I'd like to know how allowing such a picture to be posted on a website is consistent with HIPPA privacy guidelines.

hopepraylove

Nutmeg,

You can private message me and I can help put you in contact with the head psychiatrist of the WLA VA. He may be able to explain the circumstances of this facility in detail with you...I also have a few contacts at Vet friendly rehabs in the Los angeles area. I hope you can find some peace.