Spouse in long-term rehab, please help me...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Southwest U.S.
Posts: 4
Just a thought from rehab . . .
I am on the site for myself, but I also happen to work at a rehab. When people are a "great asset to the program," they often get out early, start volunteering at our facility and may even be asked to join our staff eventually. We don't punish such people by making them stay longer! If they are doing that well, they may not need to stay the whole time. Sure, we would all like to keep the guys that are doing great and providing leadership and stability for the program but that is not ethical or fair beyond the point where it is actually necessary for the addict.
The program can be "legit" as you say, but maybe just not for someone at his level of functioning and addiction. Volunteering and community service are great ways to boost recovery, but they don't necessarily address PTSD. Maybe you could ask a professional (his counselor, psychiatrist, physician) to call them and ask them to outline specifically how they treat PTSD since they have not been forthcoming with you.
Good luck to you!
The program can be "legit" as you say, but maybe just not for someone at his level of functioning and addiction. Volunteering and community service are great ways to boost recovery, but they don't necessarily address PTSD. Maybe you could ask a professional (his counselor, psychiatrist, physician) to call them and ask them to outline specifically how they treat PTSD since they have not been forthcoming with you.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by JOIE12 
nutmeg, is it possible that he didn't add you to have medical information regarding his treatment ?
Take good care of yourself Nutmeg.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: houston tx
Posts: 2
my wife started a 60 day inpatient rehab last week. there was no black out period. we speak daily. yesterday was my first visitation with her. Is it always so awful? she looked at her watch constantly, never asked how I was or said she was happy I came. more interested in giving me the tour and introducing me around. I felt like i was at a museum with a docent not with my wife. In the three months before she left I think she started an affair with an ex. Massive/frequent lying. They are in contact while she's in rehab. I'm worried that I'm being made a fool taking care of our life while she's gone and moving heaven and earth ( traveling cross country weekly) to visit her for 3 hours each Sunday while she is preparing an exit strategy. Can anyone relate? share? at what point in rehab does it dawn on them they need to be honest
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by onhold
my wife started a 60 day inpatient rehab last week. there was no black out period. we speak daily. yesterday was my first visitation with her. Is it always so awful? she looked at her watch constantly, never asked how I was or said she was happy I came. more interested in giving me the tour and introducing me around. I felt like i was at a museum with a docent not with my wife. In the three months before she left I think she started an affair with an ex. Massive/frequent lying. They are in contact while she's in rehab. I'm worried that I'm being made a fool taking care of our life while she's gone and moving heaven and earth ( traveling cross country weekly) to visit her for 3 hours each Sunday while she is preparing an exit strategy. Can anyone relate? share? at what point in rehab does it dawn on them they need to be honest
But, given how much you already know about this "other man" and the fact that you already know she's been in contact with him while she's been in rehab... surely you can ask her calmly and directly, "Are you have an affair with "X"? Who knows how she will react or whether she will tell you the truth even. But, there are certain ways to tell whether or not someone is lying. You may want to read up on it.
In the meantime: You've got to focus on your own well being and health. The fact is, you do not know HOW your marriage is going to turn out! Her sobriety may or may not STICK and she will continue to have an AFFAIR with alcohol. She may or may not pursue or allow herself to get more involved with someone else. You sure don't have much control over that while she's in rehab. In my opinion there is always a REASON people have affairs.
My main point of encouragement is to put yourself first right now. Sure it's hard what you're going through and some things hurt, but there are many things you can do for yourself to help yourself feel better. And every single good thing you do for yourself has lasting benefit!
take care...
Blessed Be...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Sorry things are tough for you at the moment Onhold.
It would probably a good idea for you to start your own new thread with your questions; as your expériences and questions are different to those of the OP and you should get more replies that way. Good luck to you.
It would probably a good idea for you to start your own new thread with your questions; as your expériences and questions are different to those of the OP and you should get more replies that way. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
I'm sorry, but I have to speak my mind on this. I'm somewhat appalled at the way some of you are speaking to Nutmeg. She is overwhelmed and merely looking for some support. So what if she "chooses to ignore" the advice that some people have given her? This is an impossible sitiation, and she seems to be doing the BEST she can. Where is your compassion? It's so easy to say "well if I were you, I would have done X, Y, and Z by now." But no one truly knows what they would do until they are actually in that situation themselves. To say things like that is pretty judgmental and condescending. This poor woman is dealing with a huge unexpected change and loss in her life, and she has no idea what to do. What she really needs most right now is some support.
Nutmeg, I hope you continue to post. I'm sure there are many other people on here who you are helping by doing so. You can feel free to message me anytime, as well. As my prior post indicates, I can relate somewhat, to what you are going through. It was, hands down, the hardest and most painful thing I have ever dealt with in my life (and I have dealt with a lot). Trying to stay strong and keep going to work every day, focus on my very demanding job, help keep his family from freaking out, changing my whole schedule around at the last minute when he didn't come home on the date that was agreed upon, no phone call telling us why or when... It was downright horrible. And what I went through was only a fraction of the time that you're looking at!
And the worst part of it all was not getting to talk to him at all about what was going on. Hear for myself how he was doing or what his future plans and goals were. I lived in a state of limbo that entire time. I had no idea if he would still want to continue the relationship when he was released. And yes, it is definitely a good thing to use the time to "focus on myself and what I wanted," as others have stated here that you should do. But that was hard to do, since I already knew what I wanted, but had no idea what he wanted, since he was not allowed to contact anyone at all. His family and I were promised regular communications, visitations, and family counseling, none of which ended up happening. I sought counseling on my own after 3 weeks of him being gone, because I thought I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. If I had known up front that there would be none of the things that were promised, I could have dealt with that accordingly, and sought help for myself much earlier than I did. It seems extremely unfair that his family and I were all tossed aside and kept in limbo like that, and ultimately lied to.
I couldn't agree with you more, that it seems more harmful and detrimental to keep someone in rehab with absolutely zero contact with their outside world. As you said, they need to learn to deal with life and every day triggers. And what better way to do that, than deal with a real life problem while they're actually in the safety of the rehab, away from their substances, with professional help all around them 24/7? Instead of having them live in a plastic bubble, and then forced to deal with a million issues all at once when they are released. It makes NO sense to me. It's no wonder that so many relapses happen within the first 30 days of leaving rehab! To me, that speaks volumes to the fact that something is very wrong with that "system."
As an example, my ex was behind in his car payment when he left for rehab. He called the lender the day before he left for rehab, deferred one payment to the end of the loan, and agreed to make another payment on a specific date 5 weeks later... He figured by then, he would have been released and returned to work, and the date he told the lender was the date he would receive his paycheck. The lender told him that was fine, but if he didn't make the payment on that specific date, they would repossess the car. When he wasn't relased on the date that he had been promised from the start, and wasn't allowed to make any phone calls at all (he had to basically beg and threaten just to make that one call to his boss, so he'd have a job to return to!), guess what? The car got repossessed. His first day home from rehab, he came home to learn that the car had been repossessed 4 days earlier. If the rehab had simply let him make a phone call, to either the lender and attempt to extend the payment date, or to someone in his family who could have easily made that one payment for him in that situation, he wouldn't have had to go through that. Now he has a repossession on his credit, owes the lender thousands of dollars which they are taking him to court for, and he has no car to get to work or visit his daughter. Someone explain to me how this is helpful for a recovering addict! And it all could have been avoided if they had allowed him to make ONE phone call!! Worst rehab I ever heard of in my life.
Stay strong, Nutmeg. These are not easy decisions you are facing. You should not act on any of them until you feel certain that you are doing the right thing (for yourself first, and your man second), and you are prepared to handle the potential consequences of your actions, whatever those might be. Of course you love your man, and you want what's best for him and his sobriety. But you are important, too. If you feel the need to show up unannounced to get some answers, you should do it... And if the rehab place labels you as a "troublemaker," SO WHAT. This is your life, too... Not just your man's. He is surrounded with help and support. You have very little. It's time to put yourself and your daughter first, so you can reclaim your life in one way or another. And if you're not ready to take that step yet, that's ok too. Take whatever amount of time you need. "Never base your life decisions on advice from people who don't have to live with the results." Sending you much love and support.
Nutmeg, I hope you continue to post. I'm sure there are many other people on here who you are helping by doing so. You can feel free to message me anytime, as well. As my prior post indicates, I can relate somewhat, to what you are going through. It was, hands down, the hardest and most painful thing I have ever dealt with in my life (and I have dealt with a lot). Trying to stay strong and keep going to work every day, focus on my very demanding job, help keep his family from freaking out, changing my whole schedule around at the last minute when he didn't come home on the date that was agreed upon, no phone call telling us why or when... It was downright horrible. And what I went through was only a fraction of the time that you're looking at!
And the worst part of it all was not getting to talk to him at all about what was going on. Hear for myself how he was doing or what his future plans and goals were. I lived in a state of limbo that entire time. I had no idea if he would still want to continue the relationship when he was released. And yes, it is definitely a good thing to use the time to "focus on myself and what I wanted," as others have stated here that you should do. But that was hard to do, since I already knew what I wanted, but had no idea what he wanted, since he was not allowed to contact anyone at all. His family and I were promised regular communications, visitations, and family counseling, none of which ended up happening. I sought counseling on my own after 3 weeks of him being gone, because I thought I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. If I had known up front that there would be none of the things that were promised, I could have dealt with that accordingly, and sought help for myself much earlier than I did. It seems extremely unfair that his family and I were all tossed aside and kept in limbo like that, and ultimately lied to.
I couldn't agree with you more, that it seems more harmful and detrimental to keep someone in rehab with absolutely zero contact with their outside world. As you said, they need to learn to deal with life and every day triggers. And what better way to do that, than deal with a real life problem while they're actually in the safety of the rehab, away from their substances, with professional help all around them 24/7? Instead of having them live in a plastic bubble, and then forced to deal with a million issues all at once when they are released. It makes NO sense to me. It's no wonder that so many relapses happen within the first 30 days of leaving rehab! To me, that speaks volumes to the fact that something is very wrong with that "system."
As an example, my ex was behind in his car payment when he left for rehab. He called the lender the day before he left for rehab, deferred one payment to the end of the loan, and agreed to make another payment on a specific date 5 weeks later... He figured by then, he would have been released and returned to work, and the date he told the lender was the date he would receive his paycheck. The lender told him that was fine, but if he didn't make the payment on that specific date, they would repossess the car. When he wasn't relased on the date that he had been promised from the start, and wasn't allowed to make any phone calls at all (he had to basically beg and threaten just to make that one call to his boss, so he'd have a job to return to!), guess what? The car got repossessed. His first day home from rehab, he came home to learn that the car had been repossessed 4 days earlier. If the rehab had simply let him make a phone call, to either the lender and attempt to extend the payment date, or to someone in his family who could have easily made that one payment for him in that situation, he wouldn't have had to go through that. Now he has a repossession on his credit, owes the lender thousands of dollars which they are taking him to court for, and he has no car to get to work or visit his daughter. Someone explain to me how this is helpful for a recovering addict! And it all could have been avoided if they had allowed him to make ONE phone call!! Worst rehab I ever heard of in my life.
Stay strong, Nutmeg. These are not easy decisions you are facing. You should not act on any of them until you feel certain that you are doing the right thing (for yourself first, and your man second), and you are prepared to handle the potential consequences of your actions, whatever those might be. Of course you love your man, and you want what's best for him and his sobriety. But you are important, too. If you feel the need to show up unannounced to get some answers, you should do it... And if the rehab place labels you as a "troublemaker," SO WHAT. This is your life, too... Not just your man's. He is surrounded with help and support. You have very little. It's time to put yourself and your daughter first, so you can reclaim your life in one way or another. And if you're not ready to take that step yet, that's ok too. Take whatever amount of time you need. "Never base your life decisions on advice from people who don't have to live with the results." Sending you much love and support.
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