Damaged2

RE: Counseling

We've taken our son to a couple of counselors in the past, but there wasn't a good connection (and neither of them were specifically trained in addictions). So we had our first appointment with an addictions specialist yesterday afternoon and I think it went as well as can be expected. The counselor seemed to know what he was doing and called out our son on his BS, but did it in a way that wasn't offensive or combative.

We set up a 2nd appointment; HOWEVER, as soon as we left the office and got in the elevator, our son exploded! He said he was never going back, that he hated counseling, hated sitting there talking, and couldn't believe someone got paid to just sit there and listen (that part was kind of funny to me).

We got to the car without too much of a public scene but I could see in the rearview mirror that he was about to lose it (like get out of the car and run - and we were pretty far from home). So we asked him to at least think about it for a couple of days before he made a final decision.

The thing is, I am adamant that he/we go to counseling. It's a deal breaker for me. I cannot live with now two explosively angry men (boys??) in my life and if we keep doing the same thing, we're only going to keep getting the same results.

So I ask those of you who might have been in this situation - how do you get a minor child (who's bigger than you are) to go to counseling?

Thank you,
Damaged2

Anaya

I think he'll have to agree to go/can't be forced.

Have you and your husband decided about NarAnon?

Keeping fingers crossed for you and your family.

JimC60

"Our counseling appointment is today - I hope this guy is ready for us!"

How did that work out, was it a productive meeting?

Wishing you all the best.

Jim

Edit: Whoops! failed to notice there was another page before posting.

Damaged2

Yes - or at least I have. I found a meeting on Mondays so I'm going next week. There are only 3 in our area (lots of Alanon, but less options for NarAnon). I'm also going to encourage our 17-year-old daughter to attend. I think she could really benefit. Her father is an alcoholic (albeit very high-functioning) and now we're finally admitting to our son's problems. Meanwhile, she is playing the dutiful daughter role and doing everything "perfectly". [sigh]

Anaya - Thank you so much for reaching out and asking the question and just caring. This little post means more than you can know.

hopeful4

Oh man. I understand somewhat. Although the qualifier in my life was my X who is an alcoholic who abuses Rx drugs also, he did the same when he went to an addictions counselor. Just blew his top when we got out to the car. It was b/c a third party who he could not fight was making him face his issues and he could not stand it. He still cannot.

The addictions counselor told me that regardless of the age, you cannot force someone to participate in counseling. However, you can form your own boundaries and stick to them. For myself, that meant me continuing to go to a counselor who helps families with addiction so that no matter what happened, I knew I would be ok. It also meant forming some boundaries for myself. That I would not participate in the crazy behavior that comes with addiction, the fights and disputes. That I would not contribute any of our family money towards anything that supports that addiction in any way. That sort of thing. The counselor helped me do that.

I hope you do continue to go and get support from people who are walking your walk and can help you understand.

Many hugs to you!

9111111

I'm just think-typing here, so please ignore if my toughts don't relate...

What if you son's primary diagnosis isn't addiction but bi-polar or anxiety and pot is his "security blanket"? Wouldn't taking him to an addiction counsellor then be like taking him somewhere, where his blanket would be removed and leaving him "naked" / alone and unprotected with the emotions that he still experiences, but can not self-medicate anymore?

I read somewhere that many mental health issues start in young adulthood and kind of mix and mingle with the emotional confusion that comes with puberty...Maybe talking to a mental health specialist who focuses on teens might help? My heart goes out to you - it's not an easy situation you're in and I applaud you for supporting your son

Hawkeye13

I know growing up with an alcoholic parent was an extremely negative influence
on my own subsequent alcohol abuse and serious anger issues.

As long as you have another active addict in the house,
it seems somewhat unfair and hypocritical for your husband to be using
while telling your son he cannot--

This seems to be an elephant in the room--I don't mean this as hurtful,
but perhaps your son in enacting the underlying tension, pain, and anger
in the family of your husband's addiction and its negative impact on the family?

Anaya

Very good and very well said.

I agree with you, hopeful4 (as I already noted in a previous post on this thread) they can't be forced. The times my son was forced into treatment as a teen - there were extreme, circumstances i.e., one time he was suicidal and was admitted inpatient involuntarily for mental health treatment for a few days and then afterwards to outpatient counseling for ? weeks to follow; another was when his behavior became so extreme as related to drugs and mental health, juvenile court directed he participate as an inpatient in dual diagnosis treatment as part of a program here in our area (county and mental health coop). I don't know if he would say it helped him, since he was forced. It did give husband and me peace of mind at that time.

Anaya

I hope the support helps you and your daughter.

My daughter was already out of the home (in college then got her own place after graduating) during the years my son was living at home, on drugs, and breaking all the rules. She still suffered, though, hearing secondhand what was going on at home and also maybe because of the fact that a huge amount of energy and attention was focused on him at that time.

Though I haven't been to NarAnon for awhile, I truly am glad I had attended and feel I benefitted from the meetings. I had gone to three different locations during the time I attended. The other folks at these meetings could not have been more supportive and welcoming.

Keep in touch and know we're here to support you.

AWorriedFather

I completely agree. Ask your son to take a step back and reflect on his life. His life sucks right now, right? But why? It's likely because he has been suffering from two problems, -a preexisting anxiety problem, and now a drug problem. The two problems play off each other. The drugs give him temporary relief, it feels good, it seems like a solution, or at least, not a significant problem. But the reality is that the drugs are stock piling his anxiety and making his original problem worse. His mind floods, rushes, and scatters more each time the drugs wear off. He starts needing drugs every day just to stay normal, then several times a day, then constantly. Its a downward spiral that demands more and more, and/or stronger drugs just to cope. Furthermore, street drugs are expensive and are not consistently made or available, making managing his problems more difficult.

Let him know you and professionals can help him. A healthy permanent fix is to learn about this negative trend and stop it. Prescription drugs may be part of the solution. At least prescription drugs are precisely made, are available, are cheaper, and possibly he can wane off prescription drugs after the flood dam is emptied and after he learns coping skills.

Damaged2

His answer to this question would be that his life sucks because of us (his parents).

After his 2nd counseling appointment (which took all I had to get him there) he told me that the counselor opened his eyes to what bad parents we are.

He says that we have treated him poorly his whole life - and treated his sister much better.

Everyone on this thread has such good advice and thoughts. I can't help thinking that Hawkeye13 is right - the elephant in the room is my husband's addiction that has never really been addressed. He doesn't drink much anymore (once in a while if we go out to dinner, etc.), but now he is like a "dry drunk" with the behaviors.

But I don't know what to do about that. My logical brain says to just deal with it, but the rest of me that lives with these people knows opening that can of worms is going to be very, very messy.

How do I even approach this with my husband???? He's barely hanging on as it is (because of our son). If I even hint that he is to blame, I'm not sure what will happen.

And let's say that he agrees. Then what???

Damaged2

Hawkeye13 - You are absolutely right. But I don't know what to do about it.

Damaged2

This is a good point and others have brought this up to me as well. My answer is: I don't know. I'm pretty sure we can rule out bipolar, but anxiety, depression, and/or ADD are all viable. The counselor he's seeing now asked if anyone in our son's life had expressed concern about these symptoms (like teachers, for example) and no one ever has.

When he was in 3rd grade he started getting into a lot of trouble. We spoke with his teachers, the school social worker, etc. From our son's perspective, he was being targeted. The principal said that he thought there was something "organically" wrong. In all honesty, I was so insulted by this that I stopped listening.

We took him out of that school and he was in a special gifted/talented class in a different school for 2 years. He blossomed there! And his teachers adored him and said that he was a leader in the classroom. He was even on student council. But that program ended after 5th grade.

He then went to a gifted middle school, but the problems started again. And he started hanging out with some really rough kids. We switched schools again mid-year, then a new school for 7th and 8th. Problems continued and that's when using pot started. A new school again in 9th grade where he's been since and where things have just gotten worse (addiction, failing, really negative peers).

This has caused a lot of discord between my husband and I. Husband points to all of this as evidence that the problem is our son. I tend to look at it as a gifted "different" kid who has trouble fitting into the mold of public school (we can't afford a private school). Husband thinks I'm too weak and that I "put my head in the sand". I sometimes think husband is an a$$hole.

ardy

Hi all.. funny we went to a French Movie last night.. from the 1990's .. that was all about sex drugs and music.. the movie did a jump every 2 years on the lives of 5 young people that wanted to be DJ's and mix music.. they all had a coke habit... the sad part is that when the movie ended and everyone was leaving.. the conversation's were.. What the Hey was that all about ... really why did they make this movie...Not one person realized this was showing the problems of dreams and being young and drugs drink and sad life style.. one young man that wanted to do a comic book after 8 years took his own life.. one huge point I got out of the film.. All of the kids were living off of Money from Dead family.. they never realy had to work to make a buck.. just put it up their nose and then wondered why their lives were so terrible..... sad just sad... hugs and so many prayers on your son... life today is so much harder then in the 1960's to try and figure it all out.. love ardy

hopeful4

Maybe it's a mixture of both. I have one in private and one in public schools. Private is a daughter age 9. She is hyped up quite a bit and has problems focusing. She is smart, but has dyslexia, so she struggles with some things. Her being in a private school means her class size is small, so she gets lots of one on one that she needs.

Fast forward to my other daughter who is in public. Super smart straight A student. She requested to move out of private and into public in the 7th grade, and it's been a great move for her. Because she had been with the same kids since pre-k, there was some bullying and this was causing huge issues. My thing here is to say if you are a bit different, fitting in at a small private school can be a nightmare.

I would say he does not need a counselor. He needs a psychiatrist who is familiar with addiction secondary. That way, he can be diagnosed with any issue he may have, and they will know if the addiction is primary or secondary.

Some universities will also do evaluations if your child may have any sort of mental disorders. We did that for my DD when she was in Kindergarten at a university about 3 hours away. It was wonderful, and the great part is, they leave your case open there until they are 21 years old, so if you need help in the future, you can always come back to it.

There are resources. Communication with him is key. Be open yourself to hear that he may have issues that have to be addressed mentally. That is perfectly OK, don't see it as a social stigma, it's not.

As far as your husband, I would say if he has dry drunk behavior it is definitely affecting your entire family. Possibly individual counseling and possibly counseling with him would help you both learn to cope and get through this difficult time.

Many hugs to you. Stay strong and keep coming back to SR, you are not alone!

AWorriedFather

I recommend that you keep his foot in the door by keeping an open mind, asking your husband to attend IC as part of supporting him, and suggest to your son that he continues attending IC to learn more about the severity of this problem and how to cope.

JimC60

Worried father,

What is IC? Individual counseling maybe?

Thanks,

Jim

Damaged2

I haven't posted in a while. My son attempted suicide on 10/10 so we've been dealing with that. I'm very tired today....and also sick (seem to have caught a nasty cold). Dealing with things one at a time. My family and my husband's family have been incredibly supportive - my sister-in-law bought all 4 of us plane tickets to visit her out of state for Thanksgiving! Looking forward to being away for a bit.

Son is now on antidepressants, as well as sleeping medication. Still (willingly now) seeing an addictions counselor. We have a safety plan set up with his school. School has a drug and alcohol support group that he attends (run by the district social worker, but student-led). The school admin has been incredibly helpful - we live in a very small town.

Son seems to be doing okay but now he won't talk to me. Nothing except good-bye, hello, good night, ok. This makes me very sad, but he does seem to be doing better - not explosive at all anymore, willingly going to school, and (as far as I can tell) following our rules.

The school is going to do UAs so he's presumably clean.

One day at a time.

Damaged2

Yes - I had to ask the same question

racingthoughts

Hi Damaged, I just read through your posts.

I just turned 22, and have been fighting my marijuana addiction for a little over the past year. Before that, I was completely submerged in the pot culture for 5-6 years. I'm glad your son seems to be somewhat on the right track again.

I'll just share some of what I remember from when I was 16. I loved weed and thought it was God's magic plant. Anyone against it was just an idiot brainwashed by the government and religion in my eyes. I was definitely psychologically addicted to it at this point, and I would have defended my usage probably to similar lengths that your son has had it come to that.

It's got to be tough doing what you're doing in Colorado.

Try your best not to feel guilty. You didn't cause this. Your son giving you the cold shoulder is his addicted brain sulking. I really hopes he comes around to see what it's doing to him, because that's what it's going to take for him to stay clean for good. There will come a time where all you'll be able to do is not enable him anymore.

I wish your family the best.