Is it ever better to just cut them out?
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Is it ever better to just cut them out?
Looking for opinions.
I'm finding it incredibly difficult to totally cut my ABF out of the picture. I've "broken up with him" since his recent relapse last month, but have been in touch with him up until last week...I've asked him not to call me, but that he can text me. (I told him that I could not guarantee him a response)
We are best friends. We lived together, have shared so many difficult and rewarding experiences together. We made a life together.
He reached out to me today, and I am having a difficult time deciding if I should respond or not. I feel like a short, compassionate text message would be OK. But, I'm worried that it will not go as smoothly as I am planning.
At the moment, he is sober. Living in another state with his mom. I'm not sure if he's working a program or not. I just genuinely feel that "ignoring" someone when they send a sincere/kind message is...well...mean.
And while I type this, I think of all the awful/mean things he has done. But, it's not in my nature to be unkind.
His text said: "Not speaking to you this week has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I hope you're well."
Any suggestions for a response?
I'm finding it incredibly difficult to totally cut my ABF out of the picture. I've "broken up with him" since his recent relapse last month, but have been in touch with him up until last week...I've asked him not to call me, but that he can text me. (I told him that I could not guarantee him a response)
We are best friends. We lived together, have shared so many difficult and rewarding experiences together. We made a life together.
He reached out to me today, and I am having a difficult time deciding if I should respond or not. I feel like a short, compassionate text message would be OK. But, I'm worried that it will not go as smoothly as I am planning.
At the moment, he is sober. Living in another state with his mom. I'm not sure if he's working a program or not. I just genuinely feel that "ignoring" someone when they send a sincere/kind message is...well...mean.
And while I type this, I think of all the awful/mean things he has done. But, it's not in my nature to be unkind.
His text said: "Not speaking to you this week has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I hope you're well."
Any suggestions for a response?
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
If you're not ready to go no contact: "Hope you're well too".
He immediately wrote back:
"I am. I just left my doctors office. Are you doing okay? I really miss you."
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
You're giving him mixed signals.
If you want to stay in contact do so, but now you're going in to it with your eyes open knowing you're going to keep getting hurt.
If you tell him you want No Contact, then the onus is on you to make sure he cannot contact you, that means blocking emails, calls, texts, social media, etc.
This in-between place is playing the go away come back game where everyone stays hurt and confused and nobody heals.
If you want to stay in contact do so, but now you're going in to it with your eyes open knowing you're going to keep getting hurt.
If you tell him you want No Contact, then the onus is on you to make sure he cannot contact you, that means blocking emails, calls, texts, social media, etc.
This in-between place is playing the go away come back game where everyone stays hurt and confused and nobody heals.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by cynical one
This in-between place is playing the go away come back game where everyone stays hurt and confused and nobody heals.
I also stayed in touch via text with my XABF for a number of months after the *final* breakup. Like you, I couldn't stand leaving him hanging when he would text "I love and miss you" and the like. I thought I was being compassionate, and supportive, and somehow honoring our history together as a couple.
The truth was, I really couldn't face my own sorrow at the end of the relationship. My X was not in recovery (though he pretended to be). I simply couldn't stand giving up hope completely, it was too lonely and heart breaking.
In hindsight, all I did was prolong the torture and postpone my healing and truly moving on. It wasn't until I threw myself into other, neglected areas of my life and recovered old interests and friends, that I finally had the courage to cut the cord completely.
Life, MY life, the only life I have to live, has been immeasurably enriched since that moment. There is a world of wonder and beauty out there, when you step off the alcoholic/addicted partner/ex-partner merry-go-round. I highly encourage you to reach for it.
Good luck.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Is it better to cut them out?
Well, that depends. And to answer that, I'm going to be very clear in how I phrase this.
If having him in your life, even electronically, is having a negative effect on your mental and emotional well being such that you feel dangerously compromised, then the answer to that question is yes.
That does not mean you will enjoy removing him from your life. That does not mean that if you remove him, you will not mourn.
What it does mean is sometimes life throws decisions at us that aren't fair...meaning a choice between something awful and something worse than awful. It is what it is.
Only you can be the judge as to what's best for you.
Well, that depends. And to answer that, I'm going to be very clear in how I phrase this.
If having him in your life, even electronically, is having a negative effect on your mental and emotional well being such that you feel dangerously compromised, then the answer to that question is yes.
That does not mean you will enjoy removing him from your life. That does not mean that if you remove him, you will not mourn.
What it does mean is sometimes life throws decisions at us that aren't fair...meaning a choice between something awful and something worse than awful. It is what it is.
Only you can be the judge as to what's best for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
You're giving him mixed signals.
agreed. you asked him for space, no contact, for a specified period of time for a specified reason. this is time YOU need to protect. if it is YOUR boundary, then it does not crumble the first time the other broaches it in some way.
when the addict quits drugs, they don't rely upon the dealer NOT to sell to them or contact them. the dope man makes a lousy sponsor. they cut off any and all means of contact. and if somehow the dealer still gets thru, they refuse the contact and move on.
if your ABF is really SERIOUS about recovery then quitting and staying quit would rank as the HARDEST thing he's ever done.....because it will take all his energy and effort.
agreed. you asked him for space, no contact, for a specified period of time for a specified reason. this is time YOU need to protect. if it is YOUR boundary, then it does not crumble the first time the other broaches it in some way.
when the addict quits drugs, they don't rely upon the dealer NOT to sell to them or contact them. the dope man makes a lousy sponsor. they cut off any and all means of contact. and if somehow the dealer still gets thru, they refuse the contact and move on.
if your ABF is really SERIOUS about recovery then quitting and staying quit would rank as the HARDEST thing he's ever done.....because it will take all his energy and effort.
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Originally Posted by cynical one
You're giving him mixed signals.
If you want to stay in contact do so, but now you're going in to it with your eyes open knowing you're going to keep getting hurt.
If you tell him you want No Contact, then the onus is on you to make sure he cannot contact you, that means blocking emails, calls, texts, social media, etc.
This in-between place is playing the go away come back game where everyone stays hurt and confused and nobody heals.
If you want to stay in contact do so, but now you're going in to it with your eyes open knowing you're going to keep getting hurt.
If you tell him you want No Contact, then the onus is on you to make sure he cannot contact you, that means blocking emails, calls, texts, social media, etc.
This in-between place is playing the go away come back game where everyone stays hurt and confused and nobody heals.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by spiderqueen
^^^^^^ SO TRUE^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I also stayed in touch via text with my XABF for a number of months after the *final* breakup. Like you, I couldn't stand leaving him hanging when he would text "I love and miss you" and the like. I thought I was being compassionate, and supportive, and somehow honoring our history together as a couple.
The truth was, I really couldn't face my own sorrow at the end of the relationship. My X was not in recovery (though he pretended to be). I simply couldn't stand giving up hope completely, it was too lonely and heart breaking.
In hindsight, all I did was prolong the torture and postpone my healing and truly moving on. It wasn't until I threw myself into other, neglected areas of my life and recovered old interests and friends, that I finally had the courage to cut the cord completely.
Life, MY life, the only life I have to live, has been immeasurably enriched since that moment. There is a world of wonder and beauty out there, when you step off the alcoholic/addicted partner/ex-partner merry-go-round. I highly encourage you to reach for it.
Good luck.
I also stayed in touch via text with my XABF for a number of months after the *final* breakup. Like you, I couldn't stand leaving him hanging when he would text "I love and miss you" and the like. I thought I was being compassionate, and supportive, and somehow honoring our history together as a couple.
The truth was, I really couldn't face my own sorrow at the end of the relationship. My X was not in recovery (though he pretended to be). I simply couldn't stand giving up hope completely, it was too lonely and heart breaking.
In hindsight, all I did was prolong the torture and postpone my healing and truly moving on. It wasn't until I threw myself into other, neglected areas of my life and recovered old interests and friends, that I finally had the courage to cut the cord completely.
Life, MY life, the only life I have to live, has been immeasurably enriched since that moment. There is a world of wonder and beauty out there, when you step off the alcoholic/addicted partner/ex-partner merry-go-round. I highly encourage you to reach for it.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by zoso77
Is it better to cut them out?
Well, that depends. And to answer that, I'm going to be very clear in how I phrase this.
If having him in your life, even electronically, is having a negative effect on your mental and emotional well being such that you feel dangerously compromised, then the answer to that question is yes.
That does not mean you will enjoy removing him from your life. That does not mean that if you remove him, you will not mourn.
What it does mean is sometimes life throws decisions at us that aren't fair...meaning a choice between something awful and something worse than awful. It is what it is.
Only you can be the judge as to what's best for you.
Well, that depends. And to answer that, I'm going to be very clear in how I phrase this.
If having him in your life, even electronically, is having a negative effect on your mental and emotional well being such that you feel dangerously compromised, then the answer to that question is yes.
That does not mean you will enjoy removing him from your life. That does not mean that if you remove him, you will not mourn.
What it does mean is sometimes life throws decisions at us that aren't fair...meaning a choice between something awful and something worse than awful. It is what it is.
Only you can be the judge as to what's best for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
think about ALL the energy you have spent in the past few hours, all the second guessing and angst, trying to decide to reply to a TEXT. you don't think this relationship and situation are having a negative effect upon you?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
But---I do not think it's entirely necessary to cut him out completely.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
No contact (NC) has distinct advantages over limited contact (LC).
NC is binary; its yes/no. Up/down....no middle ground
NC shuts the door and locks it. LC is just a ploy for attention.
(I really, really, really mean it this time!!!! (If they really meant it
they would have pulled the trigger by now......not talked some more).
LC invites the town drama wannabes into the fold, eager to display
their talent at caterwauling.
NC means changing your number.NC means allowing them no
avenue to "explain".NC means not allowing that 2mm gap in your
armor to show----not enough to get their screwdriver/crowbar into.
NC is estrangement, LC is an invitation.
Maybe I got a lot of hateful calls/emails/messages. I don't know.
They went to the ether. Or maybe my old phone # went to a Spanish
speaker. NC is a statement. A powerful one. LC is a negotiating ploy
with a used car dealer that KNOWS you need his crappy ride because
you have no other options for getting to work tomorrow.
A person fighting LC says "Go ahead with your impotent tirades
---- I OWN YOU".
Don't be owned. It's NOT easy. I got owned for almost a year.
(to my enduring shame)
NC is binary; its yes/no. Up/down....no middle ground
NC shuts the door and locks it. LC is just a ploy for attention.
(I really, really, really mean it this time!!!! (If they really meant it
they would have pulled the trigger by now......not talked some more).
LC invites the town drama wannabes into the fold, eager to display
their talent at caterwauling.
NC means changing your number.NC means allowing them no
avenue to "explain".NC means not allowing that 2mm gap in your
armor to show----not enough to get their screwdriver/crowbar into.
NC is estrangement, LC is an invitation.
Maybe I got a lot of hateful calls/emails/messages. I don't know.
They went to the ether. Or maybe my old phone # went to a Spanish
speaker. NC is a statement. A powerful one. LC is a negotiating ploy
with a used car dealer that KNOWS you need his crappy ride because
you have no other options for getting to work tomorrow.
A person fighting LC says "Go ahead with your impotent tirades
---- I OWN YOU".
Don't be owned. It's NOT easy. I got owned for almost a year.
(to my enduring shame)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I never cut my ABF out of my life. I never went NC. I think I was still waiting for some way to come to terms that he could not be drug free. That he was sorry for all of the things that he did to me. That prince charming was going to appear one day and everything would be idyllic.
Well, yes I waited. I said good bye. He died within 2 hours after I left. There was no waiting. There was no apology. There was no happy ever after.
And I have some anger. Yes, at him but more at myself because I let someone do those things to me. That is my regret. And it will last a lifetime.
Don't pit your hopes on someone who is altered by a substance. They are not in their right mind and never will be. Changed forever by the drug that passed thru their brain.
I may not be welcomed with a comment that states that most (opiate) addicts never recover, but that is what I found. And exercise to keep one tethered to your life, will create pain, heartache, financial strife, poor family life, sadness, doubt, wasted energy, poor health, angst, a need to monitor every little thing and most importantly - regret. It's an awful thing to live with. Don't enable your own addiction to him. Drama is a very real thing and social media makes it so easy to cut thru a weak boundary.
This is all within your power. Either you want him and everything that comes with addiction and lies or you want to end that and start rebuilding without him NOW. Today.
I wish you peace with your decision. Nothing will bring my ABF back but more important - I have to live with regret. Not for his death but for my life. He truly died the first time he picked up.
Well, yes I waited. I said good bye. He died within 2 hours after I left. There was no waiting. There was no apology. There was no happy ever after.
And I have some anger. Yes, at him but more at myself because I let someone do those things to me. That is my regret. And it will last a lifetime.
Don't pit your hopes on someone who is altered by a substance. They are not in their right mind and never will be. Changed forever by the drug that passed thru their brain.
I may not be welcomed with a comment that states that most (opiate) addicts never recover, but that is what I found. And exercise to keep one tethered to your life, will create pain, heartache, financial strife, poor family life, sadness, doubt, wasted energy, poor health, angst, a need to monitor every little thing and most importantly - regret. It's an awful thing to live with. Don't enable your own addiction to him. Drama is a very real thing and social media makes it so easy to cut thru a weak boundary.
This is all within your power. Either you want him and everything that comes with addiction and lies or you want to end that and start rebuilding without him NOW. Today.
I wish you peace with your decision. Nothing will bring my ABF back but more important - I have to live with regret. Not for his death but for my life. He truly died the first time he picked up.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
My son's girlfriend left him a while back. She went completely no contact. Blocked everything. I am so grateful to her. He struggled for a little while (homeless) but it is what finally shook him up enough that he is working his program of sobriety.
Sometimes the loss of those people with the greatest emotional collateral can be the wake up call for an addict.
I am not suggesting that you should do anything......except open your thoughts a bit to understand that sometimes that which we think or feel is the cruelest thing to do....can actually be the kindest. Addiction is a baffling and cunning disease and cannot be conquered with traditional thinking on the part of the addict or their loved ones.
Take care of you.
Sometimes the loss of those people with the greatest emotional collateral can be the wake up call for an addict.
I am not suggesting that you should do anything......except open your thoughts a bit to understand that sometimes that which we think or feel is the cruelest thing to do....can actually be the kindest. Addiction is a baffling and cunning disease and cannot be conquered with traditional thinking on the part of the addict or their loved ones.
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Saying he was coming back from the doctors is his way of saying he is getting help. But, is he really? Dealing with the who knows and ups and downs of addiction is not fun. I would walk away. Especially if there are no kids involved. Trust me, it just isn't worth it. And, you can't save him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by JOIE12
I never cut my ABF out of my life. I never went NC. I think I was still waiting for some way to come to terms that he could not be drug free. That he was sorry for all of the things that he did to me. That prince charming was going to appear one day and everything would be idyllic.
Well, yes I waited. I said good bye. He died within 2 hours after I left. There was no waiting. There was no apology. There was no happy ever after.
And I have some anger. Yes, at him but more at myself because I let someone do those things to me. That is my regret. And it will last a lifetime.
Don't pit your hopes on someone who is altered by a substance. They are not in their right mind and never will be. Changed forever by the drug that passed thru their brain.
I may not be welcomed with a comment that states that most (opiate) addicts never recover, but that is what I found. And exercise to keep one tethered to your life, will create pain, heartache, financial strife, poor family life, sadness, doubt, wasted energy, poor health, angst, a need to monitor every little thing and most importantly - regret. It's an awful thing to live with. Don't enable your own addiction to him. Drama is a very real thing and social media makes it so easy to cut thru a weak boundary.
This is all within your power. Either you want him and everything that comes with addiction and lies or you want to end that and start rebuilding without him NOW. Today.
I wish you peace with your decision. Nothing will bring my ABF back but more important - I have to live with regret. Not for his death but for my life. He truly died the first time he picked up.
Well, yes I waited. I said good bye. He died within 2 hours after I left. There was no waiting. There was no apology. There was no happy ever after.
And I have some anger. Yes, at him but more at myself because I let someone do those things to me. That is my regret. And it will last a lifetime.
Don't pit your hopes on someone who is altered by a substance. They are not in their right mind and never will be. Changed forever by the drug that passed thru their brain.
I may not be welcomed with a comment that states that most (opiate) addicts never recover, but that is what I found. And exercise to keep one tethered to your life, will create pain, heartache, financial strife, poor family life, sadness, doubt, wasted energy, poor health, angst, a need to monitor every little thing and most importantly - regret. It's an awful thing to live with. Don't enable your own addiction to him. Drama is a very real thing and social media makes it so easy to cut thru a weak boundary.
This is all within your power. Either you want him and everything that comes with addiction and lies or you want to end that and start rebuilding without him NOW. Today.
I wish you peace with your decision. Nothing will bring my ABF back but more important - I have to live with regret. Not for his death but for my life. He truly died the first time he picked up.
I have read good, and I have read better----here on SR.
But I have never read perfect.......not before today.
Thank You for that Joie.
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