Nervous and trying hard not to project
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Thanks to everyone who replied. This is a good place to be while waiting for a live meeting with my Nar-Anon home group - by the time we see them, ADD will be at the detox facility.
Talked with ADD again last night, just getting some things arranged for the time she will be in detox / rehab.
She did not sound much better but at least she is thinking ahead a little bit.
One day at a time,
Jim
Talked with ADD again last night, just getting some things arranged for the time she will be in detox / rehab.
She did not sound much better but at least she is thinking ahead a little bit.
One day at a time,
Jim
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Jim
I'll be praying for you and your daughter. My heart breaks for you. It's positive she came out and told you about her relapse. Hoping she is able to resolve the issues that may have triggered her relapse. I know you will be pained with worry but if it helps, she has made her own plan for recovery. Another positive. Take good care
I'll be praying for you and your daughter. My heart breaks for you. It's positive she came out and told you about her relapse. Hoping she is able to resolve the issues that may have triggered her relapse. I know you will be pained with worry but if it helps, she has made her own plan for recovery. Another positive. Take good care
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: irvington, ny
Posts: 30
Jim
I have been following your posts, my daughter lives in Delray as well, alcohol has been her DOC but it is irrelevant
As many others have said, relapses are common and part of the recovery process. As painful as they are, they make the recovery process more real. I have learned that what matters most is what people do after they relapse
It seems to me that your daughter has a very solid commitment to recovery: she is holding herself accountable, she is back on track , she shared her relapse with her parents, rather than sitting on the shame. That is huge!
I admire her , and you too!
I have been following your posts, my daughter lives in Delray as well, alcohol has been her DOC but it is irrelevant
As many others have said, relapses are common and part of the recovery process. As painful as they are, they make the recovery process more real. I have learned that what matters most is what people do after they relapse
It seems to me that your daughter has a very solid commitment to recovery: she is holding herself accountable, she is back on track , she shared her relapse with her parents, rather than sitting on the shame. That is huge!
I admire her , and you too!
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Location: Wilmington, DE
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When DD turned 21 we gave her a diamond ring which we had custom made using "family diamonds" - the stone from her grandmother's engagement ring, service award tie tack stones from grandfathers, a few small diamonds from service awards from both Mom and myself, etc.
We found out that she had pawned her ring to buy drugs. Yesterday, we sent ADD money to get her diamond ring out of a pawn shop - she went and got it today along with her NA sponsor, the sponsor has kept the ring for her.
I sent a text message today asking this simple question - "How are you doing today?"
This was her reply:
"I'm alive, that's what matters, I physically feel OK. I got another Suboxone so I took that. Mentally I feel like sh!t. I hate myself and everything about me. I feel like I ruined my life again and I want to be sober. I wish I had never messed up and now I'm back in the cycle because I woke up the stupid monster. I hate that I am an addict and I can't just be a normal person. I wish I could have just made a mistake and I could have stopped. I just can't, I tried so hard not to use again after the first time but I literally couldn't stop."
Addiction is a hell of a disease for everyone involved.
DD goes to detox on Monday in Ft. Lauderdale, then on to a rehab in West Palm Beach -- she is so ashamed she does not want to go anywhere in Delray Beach because she is afraid she will see someone she knows from the rooms.
I think she feels just like Macklemore describes in "Starting Over" - if you have never heard it, just get passed the language and listen really carefully starting at 2:00. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_so1g1qMDg
Macklemore was addicted to “lean”, a street concoction made from codiene cough syrup mixed with soda, traditionally consumed from a Styrofoam cup. Macklemore was clean for about 3 years and during that time sang openly about his addiction and recovery. Many young addicts including my DD found strength and encouragement in their recoveries from his song “Otherside”. After about 3 years clean, Macklemore relapsed and then sang about his shame in relapse. I think my DD is feeling the same way right now.
Getting by one day at a time, thanks for letting me share,
Jim
We found out that she had pawned her ring to buy drugs. Yesterday, we sent ADD money to get her diamond ring out of a pawn shop - she went and got it today along with her NA sponsor, the sponsor has kept the ring for her.
I sent a text message today asking this simple question - "How are you doing today?"
This was her reply:
"I'm alive, that's what matters, I physically feel OK. I got another Suboxone so I took that. Mentally I feel like sh!t. I hate myself and everything about me. I feel like I ruined my life again and I want to be sober. I wish I had never messed up and now I'm back in the cycle because I woke up the stupid monster. I hate that I am an addict and I can't just be a normal person. I wish I could have just made a mistake and I could have stopped. I just can't, I tried so hard not to use again after the first time but I literally couldn't stop."
Addiction is a hell of a disease for everyone involved.
DD goes to detox on Monday in Ft. Lauderdale, then on to a rehab in West Palm Beach -- she is so ashamed she does not want to go anywhere in Delray Beach because she is afraid she will see someone she knows from the rooms.
I think she feels just like Macklemore describes in "Starting Over" - if you have never heard it, just get passed the language and listen really carefully starting at 2:00. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_so1g1qMDg
Macklemore was addicted to “lean”, a street concoction made from codiene cough syrup mixed with soda, traditionally consumed from a Styrofoam cup. Macklemore was clean for about 3 years and during that time sang openly about his addiction and recovery. Many young addicts including my DD found strength and encouragement in their recoveries from his song “Otherside”. After about 3 years clean, Macklemore relapsed and then sang about his shame in relapse. I think my DD is feeling the same way right now.
Getting by one day at a time, thanks for letting me share,
Jim
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Jim, as she struggles she learns and hopefully the memory of how much better life was clean will inspire her to go back to healthy ways.
Just as they must remain diligent, we parents can never get too comfortable in our child's sobriety either, that's the shame of it all. It's just hard to put the past behind us and move forward with hope and optimism.
But forward we go, walking together, and today we walk with you, Jim. I brought my camera, sometimes we get to see that life can be beautiful even after all our struggles.
Hugs
Just as they must remain diligent, we parents can never get too comfortable in our child's sobriety either, that's the shame of it all. It's just hard to put the past behind us and move forward with hope and optimism.
But forward we go, walking together, and today we walk with you, Jim. I brought my camera, sometimes we get to see that life can be beautiful even after all our struggles.
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: irvington, ny
Posts: 30
Hi Jim
very very sorry, it sucks, and yet we can not take your pain away.
Relapses are awful, but the shame that comes with them destroys the spirit. I hope your daughter will accept and forgive herself for being human, and goes back to Delray, when she is ready: she will find plenty of acceptance and love there. Courage, she has a lot of, although she may not be aware if it yet
A big hug to all of you
very very sorry, it sucks, and yet we can not take your pain away.
Relapses are awful, but the shame that comes with them destroys the spirit. I hope your daughter will accept and forgive herself for being human, and goes back to Delray, when she is ready: she will find plenty of acceptance and love there. Courage, she has a lot of, although she may not be aware if it yet
A big hug to all of you
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Thinking of you, Jim, and sorry to read about the relapse. I think her boss understands addiction, clearly, and it seems more and more places are starting to understand that relapses happen. This disease is with a person forever.
Your daughter seems to be in a good place, and from what you have shared, it seems likely that her guilt/shame will be channeled into resolve for more sobriety. So glad you are going to meetings. They are invaluable, aren't they?!
Our meeting began 18 months ago, and we are busting at the seams as well. And I know what you mean about the people there being more family than family--we really are a family--formed through similar pain & struggle & compassion.
Take care, and enjoy the day you have!
Your daughter seems to be in a good place, and from what you have shared, it seems likely that her guilt/shame will be channeled into resolve for more sobriety. So glad you are going to meetings. They are invaluable, aren't they?!
Our meeting began 18 months ago, and we are busting at the seams as well. And I know what you mean about the people there being more family than family--we really are a family--formed through similar pain & struggle & compassion.
Take care, and enjoy the day you have!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
"Our meeting began 18 months ago, and we are busting at the seams as well. And I know what you mean about the people there being more family than family--we really are a family--formed through similar pain & struggle & compassion."
I have shared this comment before about Nar-Anon meetings, both here and at our homegroup - "Having a lot of people at your meeting is happy and sad - happy that they found us and sad that they needed to."
Nosey question......where are you?
"Take care, and enjoy the day you have!"
My day was made at about 10:30 this morning...............I posted this over in the Newcomers section also.
A few weeks ago DW and I organized an event at our church. We brought in a wonderful keynote speaker on the topic of heroin abuse and representatives from rehabs, IOPs, halfway houses, NA, Naranon, counseling services, etc.
About 80 people showed up to hear the presentation. We were somewhat dissappointed in the turn out although all of our exhibitors claimed this was a good crowd.
This morning at church a lady button-holed me and thanked me profusely for bringing this presentation to our church -- Why??
This lady had attended our event with her teenaged grand daughter - when they got home to the GD's house, they sat in the driveway for 45 minutes talking about what they had seen and learned -- Grandmom told me, "You may not think you accomplished anything, but I want you to know, you may have changed the course of one life."
God that made me feel good! Mission accomplished.
Jim
I have shared this comment before about Nar-Anon meetings, both here and at our homegroup - "Having a lot of people at your meeting is happy and sad - happy that they found us and sad that they needed to."
Nosey question......where are you?
"Take care, and enjoy the day you have!"
My day was made at about 10:30 this morning...............I posted this over in the Newcomers section also.
A few weeks ago DW and I organized an event at our church. We brought in a wonderful keynote speaker on the topic of heroin abuse and representatives from rehabs, IOPs, halfway houses, NA, Naranon, counseling services, etc.
About 80 people showed up to hear the presentation. We were somewhat dissappointed in the turn out although all of our exhibitors claimed this was a good crowd.
This morning at church a lady button-holed me and thanked me profusely for bringing this presentation to our church -- Why??
This lady had attended our event with her teenaged grand daughter - when they got home to the GD's house, they sat in the driveway for 45 minutes talking about what they had seen and learned -- Grandmom told me, "You may not think you accomplished anything, but I want you to know, you may have changed the course of one life."
God that made me feel good! Mission accomplished.
Jim
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
DD was supposed to be picked up this morning at 10:30 by a representative from the Ft. Lauderdale detox, I texted her at about 10:15 wishing her well as she continues her journey – I did not get a reply, but did not really expect one. She called at about 12:30 and said the detox pick up had been delayed, but that she was now in the car and on her way.
I wished her well, told her I loved her and we hung up – why did I do that? What a fool…that was the last call I will have with her without a timer running for about a month while she is in detox and then rehab – both of which will have very restricted phone calls, something along the lines of 10 minutes per week.
I called DW and told her that DD was on her way and could still use her phone; she said she would call ASAP.
So that’s where we are. One day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
I wished her well, told her I loved her and we hung up – why did I do that? What a fool…that was the last call I will have with her without a timer running for about a month while she is in detox and then rehab – both of which will have very restricted phone calls, something along the lines of 10 minutes per week.
I called DW and told her that DD was on her way and could still use her phone; she said she would call ASAP.
So that’s where we are. One day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
All you can do is tell her that you love her, and thankfully she's now in a safe place detoxing. We all know how you feel in some capacity- but what a great, positive step that she is in detox now. Do something really nice for yourselves, or hell, just enjoy a deep inhale and exhale.
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Posts: 393
Update
RADD = K
K got transported and checked into her rehab on Friday in West Palm Beach and now is in total "blackout" for a week.
During the check-in process DW got a call from the rehab admissions person. She needed some information which K does not know off of the top of her head. Dw filled in the missing blanks.
After the true business of the call was handled, she revealed that she and K are "sponsee sisters", a term we had never heard -- it means that the admissions person and K share the same NA sponsor. She told DW, "I'm on Team K!" and assured DW that she would be watching out for K during her stay. That makes us feel extra good about where she is.
K is clean, safe and with people that care about her well being and recovery - can't ask for anything more.
DW and I are well supported by our Nar-Anon home group and are also doing fine.
It all goes back to that whole "recovery community" concept which I have posted about before - the huge body of mostly anonymous people who are all pulling for the addict and their family's recoveries - one just has to let them know you need a little pulling and they will always be there for you.
Thanks for pulling, and thanks for letting me share,
Jim
K got transported and checked into her rehab on Friday in West Palm Beach and now is in total "blackout" for a week.
During the check-in process DW got a call from the rehab admissions person. She needed some information which K does not know off of the top of her head. Dw filled in the missing blanks.
After the true business of the call was handled, she revealed that she and K are "sponsee sisters", a term we had never heard -- it means that the admissions person and K share the same NA sponsor. She told DW, "I'm on Team K!" and assured DW that she would be watching out for K during her stay. That makes us feel extra good about where she is.
K is clean, safe and with people that care about her well being and recovery - can't ask for anything more.
DW and I are well supported by our Nar-Anon home group and are also doing fine.
It all goes back to that whole "recovery community" concept which I have posted about before - the huge body of mostly anonymous people who are all pulling for the addict and their family's recoveries - one just has to let them know you need a little pulling and they will always be there for you.
Thanks for pulling, and thanks for letting me share,
Jim
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Update and SHTF
RADD = K
All,
I promised an update to several in PMs and hope you all find this.
Monday 11/2: K checked into detox in Ft. Lauderdale.
Friday 11/6: K checked into a rehab in West Palm Beach with plans to stay for 2 weeks. K does OK there and she has a wonderful counselor who contacts us regularly. K is doing well but has some issues which will need further attention after she leaves, she has finally recognized this, she has heard it before.
Friday 11/20: K decides to stay one additional week at rehab - we take this as a positive sign.
Friday 11/27: During her last week she has also decided to take the oral version of Vivitrol at least for a while after she leaves. K's NA sponsor picks her up from the rehab and takes her back to her apartment in Delray Beach.
K makes it through the weekend with her room mate / boyfriend who has also completed an IOP program while K was in rehab. She claims she has drug tested him and that he is clean - she has laid down the law - "you pee dirty and you are out of here". He agrees.
Monday 11/30: K starts her IOP # 1. She is pretty quiet about what is happening both at the IOP and at home, but I sense that not all is well.
Friday 12/4: K calls and seems to be in better spirits and tells us that she quit going to IOP #1. She was not pleased with the group / program / whatever and quit. Uh, oh, this don't sound good......
..........but her sponsor and a woman who is the Women's Director at the SL house where she started in Delray have somehow wrangled her a full scholarship to a "women only IOP" group - she has been there for a day or two and really likes it.
Tuesday 12/8: K calls - furious, distraught, crying, unintelligible babbling until she got settled down.
It seems that ABF ( notice the lack of an "R") went into her purse while she was asleep and had made off with all of her credit cards and her debit card. He has proceeded to drain (overdraw actually) her bank account and she's not exactly sure what went on with the credit cards. Then the cards were returned to her purse before she woke up. K made this discovery via an app on her phone, when she tried to use her debit card - it was refused and a text came in via the app that said the account was overdrawn.
K confronted ABF who admitted that he did this. K told ABF he had to leave immediately, and she left. K talked with her sponsor for a while and then returned to the apartment. ABF was gone along with most of his stuff and all of the food which was in the apartment.
Today 12/9: The bank of Mom & Dad has transferred some money into K's account. The PIN number has been changed on K's debit card, and the credit card charge records are being investigated. The locks were changed on her apartment this morning........and maybe, just maybe, K's sponsor is getting some sleep. K was due at IOP at noon.
So all in all this whole situation really sucks for everyone involved - BF is back in active addiction, K is having to cope with her new recovery plus put up with all of the BS we all hear about in Nar-Anon meetings, K's sponsor is not getting much rest with all of the drama swirling around her.
K's sponsor should be elevated to sainthood, without her presence, help and counsel, I don't know where K would be with her recovery.
Out of everyone involved, Mom and Dad are probably doing the best. We are maintaining our sanity thanks to our program and the support we find with our home group and here on the boards. Thankfully, my meeting starts in 4-1/2 hours, and I admit, I am grateful that I don't have to wait much longer than that.
Addiction is a hell of a disease.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
All,
I promised an update to several in PMs and hope you all find this.
Monday 11/2: K checked into detox in Ft. Lauderdale.
Friday 11/6: K checked into a rehab in West Palm Beach with plans to stay for 2 weeks. K does OK there and she has a wonderful counselor who contacts us regularly. K is doing well but has some issues which will need further attention after she leaves, she has finally recognized this, she has heard it before.
Friday 11/20: K decides to stay one additional week at rehab - we take this as a positive sign.
Friday 11/27: During her last week she has also decided to take the oral version of Vivitrol at least for a while after she leaves. K's NA sponsor picks her up from the rehab and takes her back to her apartment in Delray Beach.
K makes it through the weekend with her room mate / boyfriend who has also completed an IOP program while K was in rehab. She claims she has drug tested him and that he is clean - she has laid down the law - "you pee dirty and you are out of here". He agrees.
Monday 11/30: K starts her IOP # 1. She is pretty quiet about what is happening both at the IOP and at home, but I sense that not all is well.
Friday 12/4: K calls and seems to be in better spirits and tells us that she quit going to IOP #1. She was not pleased with the group / program / whatever and quit. Uh, oh, this don't sound good......
..........but her sponsor and a woman who is the Women's Director at the SL house where she started in Delray have somehow wrangled her a full scholarship to a "women only IOP" group - she has been there for a day or two and really likes it.
Tuesday 12/8: K calls - furious, distraught, crying, unintelligible babbling until she got settled down.
It seems that ABF ( notice the lack of an "R") went into her purse while she was asleep and had made off with all of her credit cards and her debit card. He has proceeded to drain (overdraw actually) her bank account and she's not exactly sure what went on with the credit cards. Then the cards were returned to her purse before she woke up. K made this discovery via an app on her phone, when she tried to use her debit card - it was refused and a text came in via the app that said the account was overdrawn.
K confronted ABF who admitted that he did this. K told ABF he had to leave immediately, and she left. K talked with her sponsor for a while and then returned to the apartment. ABF was gone along with most of his stuff and all of the food which was in the apartment.
Today 12/9: The bank of Mom & Dad has transferred some money into K's account. The PIN number has been changed on K's debit card, and the credit card charge records are being investigated. The locks were changed on her apartment this morning........and maybe, just maybe, K's sponsor is getting some sleep. K was due at IOP at noon.
So all in all this whole situation really sucks for everyone involved - BF is back in active addiction, K is having to cope with her new recovery plus put up with all of the BS we all hear about in Nar-Anon meetings, K's sponsor is not getting much rest with all of the drama swirling around her.
K's sponsor should be elevated to sainthood, without her presence, help and counsel, I don't know where K would be with her recovery.
Out of everyone involved, Mom and Dad are probably doing the best. We are maintaining our sanity thanks to our program and the support we find with our home group and here on the boards. Thankfully, my meeting starts in 4-1/2 hours, and I admit, I am grateful that I don't have to wait much longer than that.
Addiction is a hell of a disease.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I hope you got everything you needed from your meeting, Jim. I remember well during the crazy time, counting the hours until my home group to just have a chance to soak in the peace and support.
I'm really sorry about what is going on with your daughter, but it sounds like she is making some good decisions. It's hard enough to struggle through early recovery, but having two newly clean folks in the household and a relationship too - it just doesn't seem to sound like a recipe for success. As upset as she is now, sounds like giving him the boot is the best thing for both of them.
So much of what you write about brings me right back to when my daughter was struggling to stay clean - even, I suspect, the same rehab in West Palm .(counselor wasn't T was it?) My greatest wish for you, other than your daughter's continued recovery journey, is that you find peace and serenity in each day.
I'm really sorry about what is going on with your daughter, but it sounds like she is making some good decisions. It's hard enough to struggle through early recovery, but having two newly clean folks in the household and a relationship too - it just doesn't seem to sound like a recipe for success. As upset as she is now, sounds like giving him the boot is the best thing for both of them.
So much of what you write about brings me right back to when my daughter was struggling to stay clean - even, I suspect, the same rehab in West Palm .(counselor wasn't T was it?) My greatest wish for you, other than your daughter's continued recovery journey, is that you find peace and serenity in each day.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Meeting last night
GED,
"I hope you got everything you needed from your meeting, Jim. I remember well during the crazy time, counting the hours until my home group to just have a chance to soak in the peace and support."
I got exactly what I needed last night - I snuggled right up to that campfire and soaked up the warmth from my group.
More than K's trials, which she seems to be handling pretty well, we shared more about her NA sponsor's relentless support and encouragement through all of this. Others from my home group chimed in as they shared with stories of gratitude for the loving help of their addict's sponsors, so K's experience does not sound like it is unusual.
I feel sure there is a special place in Heaven for NA and AA sponsors - they are infinitely more than just guides for the Steps.
Before K relapsed, she had 2 sponsees of her own. Upon her relapse she obviously lost them and she feels terrible about that - she has let them down. I think K is being taught the NA sponsor model right now and I hope she remembers this experience well when she has her own sponsees again in a year or so.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
"I hope you got everything you needed from your meeting, Jim. I remember well during the crazy time, counting the hours until my home group to just have a chance to soak in the peace and support."
I got exactly what I needed last night - I snuggled right up to that campfire and soaked up the warmth from my group.
More than K's trials, which she seems to be handling pretty well, we shared more about her NA sponsor's relentless support and encouragement through all of this. Others from my home group chimed in as they shared with stories of gratitude for the loving help of their addict's sponsors, so K's experience does not sound like it is unusual.
I feel sure there is a special place in Heaven for NA and AA sponsors - they are infinitely more than just guides for the Steps.
Before K relapsed, she had 2 sponsees of her own. Upon her relapse she obviously lost them and she feels terrible about that - she has let them down. I think K is being taught the NA sponsor model right now and I hope she remembers this experience well when she has her own sponsees again in a year or so.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I feel sure there is a special place in Heaven for NA and AA sponsors - they are infinitely more than just guides for the Steps.
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