Not again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 20
Not again?
Oh geez . I wasn't committed to anyone for 7/8 yrs after my last relationships. I am now 40 and my last relationship was with an addict. We were together for 9 years I have finally committed again and been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs. I have caught him using cocaine and definitely drinks far to much when he drinks . He lies. He is very fit we hike and do lots of healthy things together. He drinks to much and continues to lie and do cocaine. I found some in his pocket tonight. Again. I can't believe I am going through this again. So different because he is SO healthy lots of the time but so the same when he starts using, lying and calling me names. I am painfully scared to lose him. This Sucks and I don't know what to do
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
So different because he is SO healthy lots of the time but so the same when he starts using, lying and calling me names. I am painfully scared to lose him.
This might be a good time for you to take some space and time for just yourself, to decide what drew you to this and why you would want to stay with anyone who mistreats you....and yes, verbal abuse is serious mistreatment no matter how many times they apologize.
Have you tried any meetings? Many of us found our balance and our answers there and it might help you too, to realize that you are worth so much better than any of this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I am painfully scared to lose him.
i guess you'll have to take a good hard assessment of the above statement and ask WHY you are so afraid to let this one go. face that fear squarely and find your strength.
this isn't going to get better. abuse is abuse is abuse, regardless of what initiates it. he's drinking too much, using coke, lying. and there's probably more to the story. those are FACTS.
you deserve an addiction free life. a drug free life. this person is bringing those things into your home. destroying your peace.
i guess you'll have to take a good hard assessment of the above statement and ask WHY you are so afraid to let this one go. face that fear squarely and find your strength.
this isn't going to get better. abuse is abuse is abuse, regardless of what initiates it. he's drinking too much, using coke, lying. and there's probably more to the story. those are FACTS.
you deserve an addiction free life. a drug free life. this person is bringing those things into your home. destroying your peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 20
We live together. I got really good at being alone all those years and just dating around looking for the right one. We have started going to occasional counseling to figure out why he chooses to inapropiately text other women . He chose to go not me . He says he wants to fix this so can have marriage and children. I have yet to bring up the drinking and occasional drug use but obviously its time. I have gone to nar-anon meetings and read codependent no more, which I highly recommend to anyone. I truly dont understand why I live on hope. Hope of this ending. Hope of honesty. Time and time again I am proven wrong. The positives used to way out the negatives but drugs are just inexcusable in my world. Yet, he is laying next to me still . 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 20
Something to add. Clearly, I'm a not peach everyday. He says I know how to push his buttons and I bring up issues when we are drinking and its the wrong time. Thats when the fighting gets really bad and vulgar and name calling starts.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
"using, lying, calling you names and inappropriately texting other women"
.....and, you have only been together for `18mos.
You have given years of your life to this kind of treatment (abuse, actually).
Do you really want more of this in your life?
If you stay, this is what you are going to get...only worse.
StrongWoman...there is no man on this earth who is worth putting up with this kind of treatment.
You say that you don't know what to do---I will give you a suggestion that is what has saved so many of the thousands of women on this forum...
Get to a naranon or alanon meeting ASAP..and keep going...
Get yourself a personal counselor...couples counseling is worthless in this kind of setting....
Re-read "Co-depedent No More".....
Keep reading and posting here.....(read all the stickies at the top of main page"...
Above All--do not get pregnant by this man!
(if you want to know what real hell is--have children with an addict)...
You have spent years looking for the "right one".....don't settle for the wrong one....
You will probably have to devote a couple of years to getting straight within yourself before you will attract and be attracted to a healthy person.....
I know that these words sound blunt and hard. But, hon, right now, you deserve someone to tell you the truth and not some honey-coated pablum......
.....and, you have only been together for `18mos.
You have given years of your life to this kind of treatment (abuse, actually).
Do you really want more of this in your life?
If you stay, this is what you are going to get...only worse.
StrongWoman...there is no man on this earth who is worth putting up with this kind of treatment.
You say that you don't know what to do---I will give you a suggestion that is what has saved so many of the thousands of women on this forum...
Get to a naranon or alanon meeting ASAP..and keep going...
Get yourself a personal counselor...couples counseling is worthless in this kind of setting....
Re-read "Co-depedent No More".....
Keep reading and posting here.....(read all the stickies at the top of main page"...
Above All--do not get pregnant by this man!
(if you want to know what real hell is--have children with an addict)...
You have spent years looking for the "right one".....don't settle for the wrong one....
You will probably have to devote a couple of years to getting straight within yourself before you will attract and be attracted to a healthy person.....
I know that these words sound blunt and hard. But, hon, right now, you deserve someone to tell you the truth and not some honey-coated pablum......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 20
Thank you. I want hard honest advice. That is why I'm here. I want to point out that we are usually very healthy . Working out together w friends or just us several times a week, campers and outdoor adventurists. Eating healthy etc. No one is perfect and clearly we all have issues. I waiting a long time to pick a person again and when I'm in, I give it my all. But all this other stuff is crap. Ugh so torn on figuring out my issues in this and what is appropriate to continue to work through.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Strongwoman...I hear that you are torn...that is what the groups, and the counselor, and the reading (studying) are for...to help you get clarity....
I also hear about the good times that you have had together. That is true of virtually every relationship---there are few people who enter into a relationship without some good times that motivate them....
But, I will challenge you by saying that it isn't enough! If it were, you wouldn't be on a forum, talking about using, lying, name calling and messing with other women (inappropriate texting).
It sounds to me like, in some respects, that he is your "dream guy"...a sort of trophy man...lol.... I get what that is like....
Let me offer you another thought....those good times that you mention, are not free!!! In a healthy relationship....there are those kinds of good times, for sure...BUT, they are not sandwiched in between abusive episodes of treatment.
a healthy relationship has trust and respect at the baseline. The essential foundation of any relationship...from friendship, on....
A man who has respect does not call his mate names. There are millions of men in this world who live a healthy lifestyle and do adventurous things who do not use and lie and name call.
Outdoor Campers---there are so many of them that a whole industry worth billions of dollars is built around them.
Yes, all couples may have some conflicts, at some points, in their relationships...but, using, lying, flirting and name calling is not the norm for healthy relationships.
LOL...I suspect that you may have a very high tolerance for bad behaviors...(Co-dependent?).
It is totally o.k. to have zero tolerance for this level of bad behavior....
I also hear about the good times that you have had together. That is true of virtually every relationship---there are few people who enter into a relationship without some good times that motivate them....
But, I will challenge you by saying that it isn't enough! If it were, you wouldn't be on a forum, talking about using, lying, name calling and messing with other women (inappropriate texting).
It sounds to me like, in some respects, that he is your "dream guy"...a sort of trophy man...lol.... I get what that is like....
Let me offer you another thought....those good times that you mention, are not free!!! In a healthy relationship....there are those kinds of good times, for sure...BUT, they are not sandwiched in between abusive episodes of treatment.
a healthy relationship has trust and respect at the baseline. The essential foundation of any relationship...from friendship, on....
A man who has respect does not call his mate names. There are millions of men in this world who live a healthy lifestyle and do adventurous things who do not use and lie and name call.
Outdoor Campers---there are so many of them that a whole industry worth billions of dollars is built around them.
Yes, all couples may have some conflicts, at some points, in their relationships...but, using, lying, flirting and name calling is not the norm for healthy relationships.
LOL...I suspect that you may have a very high tolerance for bad behaviors...(Co-dependent?).
It is totally o.k. to have zero tolerance for this level of bad behavior....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
StrongWoman....LOL! Makes sense.....lol......
I'll tell you a secret...I was an RN for several years...went back to school, and, have been a Physician Assistant for many years. Went back to school to study psychology......Classic caregiver....
I have often joked that I wouldn't last as a bartender for four hours...I would be fired as soon as some disrespectful drunk mouthed off!
I have a very high tolerance for bad behavior from those who are sick or injured...and I have worked in some very high stress situations..where people are depressed, angry, blaming, frightened, etc....and I have learned that it is never personal.
That tolerance does not seem to carry over into my personal, intimate relationships, though....
My first husband, and father of my three children was a control freak...with narcissistic leanings. I divorced him. I was young (in my twenties)...and, I learn ed a life long lesson from that relationship. I must say that he never called me a name and didn't raise his voice..but, he still tried to steal my soul.
I cam into this world with my soul, only (we all do)...we come naked with only our soul. And, I will leave this world with only my soul.....we don't have anything else....it is the only thing that nobody can take from us.....
don't ever give up a piece of your soul to anybody. When someone abuses you, by word or deed....they are assaulting you at a soul level. If you doubt that..just think of how deep the pain goes when they do that...
I'll tell you a secret...I was an RN for several years...went back to school, and, have been a Physician Assistant for many years. Went back to school to study psychology......Classic caregiver....
I have often joked that I wouldn't last as a bartender for four hours...I would be fired as soon as some disrespectful drunk mouthed off!
I have a very high tolerance for bad behavior from those who are sick or injured...and I have worked in some very high stress situations..where people are depressed, angry, blaming, frightened, etc....and I have learned that it is never personal.
That tolerance does not seem to carry over into my personal, intimate relationships, though....
My first husband, and father of my three children was a control freak...with narcissistic leanings. I divorced him. I was young (in my twenties)...and, I learn ed a life long lesson from that relationship. I must say that he never called me a name and didn't raise his voice..but, he still tried to steal my soul.
I cam into this world with my soul, only (we all do)...we come naked with only our soul. And, I will leave this world with only my soul.....we don't have anything else....it is the only thing that nobody can take from us.....
don't ever give up a piece of your soul to anybody. When someone abuses you, by word or deed....they are assaulting you at a soul level. If you doubt that..just think of how deep the pain goes when they do that...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I have yet to bring up the drinking and occasional drug use but obviously its time.
if we are bringing it home, have it on our person, we've moved beyond OCCASIONAL drug use. occasional is that one time out with buddies someone offered us A line, and that was three years ago.
if i understand, you drink WITH him, and after a time things get heated and turn nasty and abusive. i would recommend you give your own behavior there some consideration....we can't have it both ways....we can't have them be our drinking buddies all the while knowing that sooner or later they are going to turn on us. and that we too might turn a bit. we cannot do a thing about THEIR behavior, but we can tend to our own side of the street.
the other concern is you deciding to join him in drug use.
an entirely different issue is his inappropriate texting of other women. that's called cheating...........there is NO reason for him to do that, except that he craves the attention and is not committed to you. no matter what he SAYS, or how much kale he eats, or how quickly he can set up a tent........he demonstrates a set of actions that prove he isn't worthy of your time, energy and concern.
its ok to admit, ok, that didn't work out so well. it's ok to not stick it out til the bitter end. and it is IMPERATIVE that you begin to value yourself and your precious worth and not let ANYONE treat you without respect and dignity. this is YOUR life. and drunken nasty coke snortin' chick textin' dude fails the test...........
if we are bringing it home, have it on our person, we've moved beyond OCCASIONAL drug use. occasional is that one time out with buddies someone offered us A line, and that was three years ago.
if i understand, you drink WITH him, and after a time things get heated and turn nasty and abusive. i would recommend you give your own behavior there some consideration....we can't have it both ways....we can't have them be our drinking buddies all the while knowing that sooner or later they are going to turn on us. and that we too might turn a bit. we cannot do a thing about THEIR behavior, but we can tend to our own side of the street.
the other concern is you deciding to join him in drug use.
an entirely different issue is his inappropriate texting of other women. that's called cheating...........there is NO reason for him to do that, except that he craves the attention and is not committed to you. no matter what he SAYS, or how much kale he eats, or how quickly he can set up a tent........he demonstrates a set of actions that prove he isn't worthy of your time, energy and concern.
its ok to admit, ok, that didn't work out so well. it's ok to not stick it out til the bitter end. and it is IMPERATIVE that you begin to value yourself and your precious worth and not let ANYONE treat you without respect and dignity. this is YOUR life. and drunken nasty coke snortin' chick textin' dude fails the test...........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Strongwoman 
I have a very high tolerance for bad behaviors. I'm even a bartender that wants to be a nurse. Classic care giver that gets pooped on literally and figuratively.
no one exhibits bad behavior around me unless I allow it.
a high tolerance for bad behavior is not an acceptable excuse to allow it to happen around me or to me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Strong-gal:
I totally get being in love and I'm guessing your man is attractive, charming, etc, etc and...:..he's fit. That's part of the attraction. I knew quite a few fit people and college athletes who were attractive, etc-fun to work out with, etc. In fact....one of my best fitness pals was dating a college baseball player; they lived together...they broke up because "He did too much coke." Just the way it turned out. Sad, but she just got to the point where [as much as she loved him], she just couldn't deal with the coke and how the coke affected him (and their relationship) anymore. He wasn't pleasant to be around at times, to put it lightly. I also had another friend that broke up with her boyfriend because.....(?)"He did too much coke".
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there. We get it.
I totally get being in love and I'm guessing your man is attractive, charming, etc, etc and...:..he's fit. That's part of the attraction. I knew quite a few fit people and college athletes who were attractive, etc-fun to work out with, etc. In fact....one of my best fitness pals was dating a college baseball player; they lived together...they broke up because "He did too much coke." Just the way it turned out. Sad, but she just got to the point where [as much as she loved him], she just couldn't deal with the coke and how the coke affected him (and their relationship) anymore. He wasn't pleasant to be around at times, to put it lightly. I also had another friend that broke up with her boyfriend because.....(?)"He did too much coke".
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there. We get it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
This Sucks and I don't know what to do
I am painfully scared to lose him
So rather me tell you what I think you should do, I'll leave you with this: doing the right thing often means we have to suffer. But the payoff is a long term payoff: when we make the best decisions for ourselves, that gives us confidence going forward that we can make the best decisions regardless of how tough those decisions are.
Keep us posted.
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