HoneyBadger1

I have finally gone completely NC with my AH. Hardest thing I have ever done. I love him and want him to seek help. I tried everything to get him to get that help, and as is usually the case, to no avail. I got physically sick from the stress, lost my job, got down to 100 pounds and finally hit my own bottom. I didn't go completely NC until I knew I could handle it, which took me months. But I did it and I know in my heart it was not only the right thing for me, but the kindest and most loving thing I can do for him.

But it hurts. God does it hurt. And I miss him. I'm trying to focus on the fact that the things I miss about him, about us, haven't been around for a very long time. But it is hard to stop speaking to the person you have had almost constant contact with for 6 years. Especially when you became isolated as a consequence of their addiction.

I am 8 weeks away from being homeless (as an attorney!!) because I cannot find employment. And despite the fact that I made damn good money, it was all taken by my AH, without my knowledge and consent. I was left with nothing, but I only blame myself for not keeping a better eye on things. Although quite frankly, I don't know how I could have done better given the circumstances.

The insanity that revolved around my life eventually seeped into my workplace, with my husband stalking me and showing up every few hours looking for money and refusing to leave without seeing me. Even dragging me out of Board Meetings for "emergencies." As understanding as my boss was, he couldn't have the distraction around, even though I had already moved out and was seeking a protective order when they let me go. It was just too little, too late on my part. But when you are in the middle of it all, it's so hard to pull yourself out while trying to be a mom, attorney, breadwinner, etc. Nobody that hasn't lived through it understands. And because we live in a relatively small area where everyone knows us, my reputation has been dragged down with his. Thus, there have been no job offers, only a few interviews, and my unemployment has now run out.

The easiest thing to do would be to move back in with him and at least know my daughter and I will have a roof over our heads. But I can't do that, and I know it.

So I really just want reassurance that I have done the right thing, because I am lonely, I miss him and most of all I am scared s***less that I'm going to be living in my car soon. I am amazed that I have been able to hold it together as well as I have, but after the hell I have been through, I can't look back.

Any advice? Thoughts? Words of encouragement? I'm having a rare weak moment and I'm not afraid to admit it.

HB

atalose

When you find yourself wanting to reach out to him remind yourself that we can’t get our needs met by the most dysfunctional person in our lives. Remind yourself that you are today in this situation because of the person you are feeling the need to contact. Remind yourself that the person you used to know will not be the person answering that phone today.

We can’t live in what was we need to live in what is right here and now.

Maybe you need to seek employment further out from your area. Maybe you need to seek employment that is something other than a law firm right now. Local, county and state Prosecutor’s Office’s, corporations.

What about family? Do you have any in the immediate area?

Have you thought about attending al-anon?

Charioteer

Don't do it! It is so damn hard to stay away, but this person is toxic. He has brought you pain and suffering, cost you your job and your house, and nothing good can come from being in contact with him. You cannot depend on him for anything, because he will only take from you and you have nothing left to give. He cannot provide for you. You're better off seeking government assistance or something... it shouldn't be too tough to find some sort of single mothers assistance group or shelter or something.

You are doing the right thing. It friggin' sucks, and it's going to hurt like hell for a very long time but you are.

I'm currently struggling to stay away from my AW, and one thing that has helped was to take a 3x5 index card and write five things she did that completely made me miserable. Any time I feel weak, I pull it out and read through them. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does.

Stay strong!

HoneyBadger1

Thank you so much for responding atalose...just needed to hear what I already know.

I attend al-anon at least 3 times a week, it's the only thing that's keeping my head above water. But I still have moments. I guess it takes a long time to undo the years of insanity. And generally I don't dwell on the past. I think it is my financial situation that is driving the sadness today.

My job search area is relatively limited, as my daughter's father will not allow me to leave the state (he is not my current husband - he's my ex). I was inside counsel for a corporation, so I have been very liberal in the jobs I have applied for. My husband was the mayor of the city we resided in, and unfortunately for me, the name is not a common one and everyone knows what a mess he has become. I am actually an employment attorney, so I am pretty good at looking for work. I am willing to take pretty much any job if one were to be offered, but I'm not even getting any return phone calls. I'm not saying these things so anyone will feel badly for me - they are simply my reality. I need to figure out how to support myself and my daughter asap.

I'm honestly proud of myself that I haven't given up. It would be so easy to go back as a short-term solution. But I know the devastation it would bring long-term and I'm finally able to focus on that.

HoneyBadger1

And I just want to say thank you to all that are here and take the time to write back and give support. I've been reading here for years, but only finally felt like I could start participating. I think I felt like once I wrote it all down, it would be real. Strange the things we do to try to deny our reality.

I am incredibly grateful that all of you are here and willing to help. I don't have family and friends so you guys are it for me!