Hpath

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 in a half years. Drugs have always been in the picture, for him and me too. Pain pills, marijuana, psychedelics, everything pretty much. It wasn't until last year that he tried heroin for the first time (snorting). It was off and on for several months but pretty soon one time turned into two, two into five, and now I have just lost count. I even ended up doing it a few times. This summer he went completely overboard, using pretty much everyday and sometimes shooting up.

Aside from the heroin, he is a great person and treats me fantastically. Never lies, never cheats or steals from me, and is always nice. We hardly fight, but when we do its always about heroin. I am just worried that soon his addiction will be out of control and I will just be stuck in a relationship with a stereotypical junkie. That is not the life I want to live, I still see heroin in a very bad light, however I am deeply in love with him and leaving would pain me more than staying. So I'm not asking whether to leave or not, but I need tips on how to not necessarily be okay with his addiction, but how to not let it upset me as much. Hes always been very independant, and just because I want him to stop isnt going to be enough to make him stop. Any hopes of him stopping would be a decision he has to make on his own. He tells me I just need to accept his "sickness" as he calls it, but I don't know how. Its possible to be with an addict and still have a happy, healthy, relationship right? Or will all my fears soon become real?

mnh1982

"It's possible to be with an addict and still have a happy, healthy relationship right?"

No.

Just...no.

Your fighting about "heroin" is not about "heroin". It's about who he is when he's on it, and how that makes you react. It's about money. It's about his choosing to be a person you cannot safely nor happily live with. It's about his taking advantage of your obvious willingness to stick around, even though he refuses to take steps to take care of himself. It's about how he cannot love nor take care of you if he can't do those things for himself.

No.

Get out now before you are too invested, financially, emotionally and otherwise, to tell your elbow from your you know what in this situation.

Trust me.

blackandblue

All I can say is read all of my old posts, take care of yourself, and being with a heroin addict off and on for 5 years almost killed me. Many blessings while you figure out what is best for you.

Vale

Hpath,

I see this is your first post. You honor us by asking our advice. Rest
assured you will get a lot of it. Try not to take any of this personally.
This is an anonymous place and no one knows who you are.....nor
can they find out.

My words to you, our fellow sojourner on this dark path----are not
about you, your life, your boyfriend, or what you should do.
That is your business----and none of ours.

No. My words to you are simply this: Heroin is an incredibly powerful
thing. Notice I didn't say good or bad, I said powerful. When the value
judgments start up, to whit:

1) dump him now
2) run like hell
3) never look back

All these things would be at home in any domestic abuse/ marital spat/
post affair website.But it would be extremely inaccurate to categorize heroin
with anything in normal human experience. Fear it as you fear
no other thing in this world---for heroin deserves such respect.



You are always welcome here, no matter the outcome.

Ann

Sad to say, you're already there. Heroin is bigger than you, than me, than all of us here put together. You cannot save him but you can save yourself, please at least find support and make a plan for a life without active addiction.

Wishing you the best, glad you joined us.

Hugs

Melissa0067

Hpath,

I'm going to go in a different direction with my response to you. The thing that jumped out the most to me from your post was that you already like to party and use a little bit. That you tried the heroin with him in a couple of times. If for nothing else but your own sake, I would say to leave for that reason. If I were you I would count myself lucky that those couple of times didn't turn into full-blown heroin addiction for you and escape it before that happens. It seems to me that you would be predisposed to that.

I hope you make the decision that is best for you. Just as you cannot make him stop doing the drugs, we cannot make you leave him. Try to look at the big picture and fast forward your life and what it will be like in five years. I wish you the best of luck.

Hpath

Thank you guys so much. You're telling me everything I know deep down, that the best option is to leave. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm sure I feel exactly like any other addict feels, I have realized there is a problem but doesn't want to do anything about it. I have a small glimmer of hope that maybe things will get better, but I know how unlikely that is. I'm sure I'm making things worse on myself but thats why I came here to find the insight I haven't found anywhere else. Thanks again

ladyscribbler

During this time that you're waiting, please be extra super vigilant about birth control. Not to get too personal, but having children with an addict adds new depths to an already bad situation.
Take care.

doggonecarl

One day, if he stays an addict, it be easier. However, at that point you might be regretting the years you stayed.

zoso77

Hpath,

Welcome to the Board. I'm thankful that you've found us and that our members have given you such a warm welcome.

I found this passage interesting:

So pain pills, marijuana, and psychedelics have led to heroin. By any reasonable measure, he's already out of control and you're already stuck in a relationship with a "junkie". And as soon as it becomes apparent to him that you're trying to get between him and heroin, he will not treat you fantastically. He will rip your heart out and tell you that it's your own fault. Don't believe that? Spend some time reading the posts of other women who have dealt with a husband or a boyfriend using heroin, and you will see that I speak the truth.

As far as leaving him causing more pain than staying, there's a small bit of truth in that because when we remove someone from our lives that we love, it's always going to suck.

However, that premise falls apart upon deeper examination. Should you choose to stay with him, the pain you will experience will be on a daily and perhaps even hourly basis as you watch someone self destruct and you experience what will eventually evolve into verbal abuse. Should you choose to leave, you mourn and grieve the loss of that person and the relationship, but you buy yourself space and time to heal. Based on that, what's worse?

We can't make decisions for you, Hpath. All we can do is share with you our experiences and what we've often learned the hard way. And based on what you learn here, you have to make the best decisions for you, being mindful that what's best isn't necessarily what you want.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Falseclaimsact

I don't know how I would react to my boyfriend point blank telling me he has no plans to stop using.

I see this as an open door for you. An exit door. There is no way you can accept using.


*had to add, it is fine to go at your own speed, you say you're not ready yet, I can definitely relate to that, it's a process

AnvilheadII

while it SEEMS that HIS drug problem is the problem, i'd like to gently suggest that you look at your OWN drug use.....up to and including DOING HEROIN. you two are not that different....

using drugs with an addict that you wish would not do drugs is counterproductive, hypocritical and enabling. and it's all too easy, ALL TO EASY, to pass that point of no return - and once you ARE addicted, it changes EVERYTHING, and none of the normal rules apply.

JimC60

Hpath,

Glad you found your way here.

"He tells me I just need to accept his "sickness" as he calls it, but I don't know how."

........and you should not spend any time trying to learn!

Addiction is a disease, and IF he was trying to recover, I would tell you that you should do everything you could to understand the disease -- but never to accept it.

Find a Nar-Anon meeting and start attending (an Al-Anon meeting will do as a substitute)-- you will get good advice from others who have already "been-there-and-done-that". Take care of yourself and let him plunge ahead on his journey without you.

As someone else said, until you can make the jump to separation from him - be hyper vigilant about birth control. There are several people in my Nar-Anon group who are dealing with the extra-special problems which crop up when children are involved - you don't want to be one of them.

One day at a time,

Jim

CodeJob

Welcome to the boards HPath,

Pick up Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Watch the movie. Think through how hard it seems now to change your life course and relationship. It only gets harder as you get sucked in further.

tartel

Dear Hpath,

I know that you have come here looking for some insight into your life, and sometimes you will hear things you don't want to. I can see you want some hope for your relationship, and want someone to validate your decision to stay with your boyfriend. And so, any advice to the contrary might lead you to reject them - 'they don't know what my boyfriend is like - he is different'. 'we already have so much going for us - they don't understand'.

Everyone here is here because they have loved an addict. They collective experience and advice, spanning years, months, decades of their lives is the best resource you have here - and what I realised, very quickly, is that addiction is not a discerning monster. It eats at everyone the same way. Whether the addicts started early on the street, or if they were educated, well-off people with jobs, once they become an addict, then the paths they take is always the same. The details differ, of course, but the pattern is always, always the same.

What I am trying to say is, Hpath, please don't disregard the advice you got here. My ex was like your boyfriend. He loved drugs. He liked it all. At first it was weed and alcohol, but it soon became heroin. And then it was acid to 'rewire his brain' from addiction. And ecstasy. And anything else he could get his hands on. From what it looks like based on what you have said, I don't think your boyfriend has any intention to accept himself as an addict and get help. My ex still hasn't gotten help - and it has been two decades since he's been a heroin addict. See, getting help requires humility and a genuine dislike for lifestyle they lead. Getting help requires letting go of the 'glamour' of drugs, and quite often, it is all they know. My ex - still thinks he can medicate himself, or fix things up with trial and error. He dismisses rehab. He doesn't believe in abstinence. It just leads to a cycle of endless relapses. And so,

No, absolutely you cannot have a relationship that is either of those things. The relationship you have will be of him using you, dragging you into situations you don't want to be in, and of you losing all respect for yourself. I don't want to sound patronising. But because here, and because you have asked for advice, I want you to be aware of what a fine, fine line you are treading right now. Staying with an addict means things can - no, they will - will go so, so wrong Hpath. Please take heed of what everyone has said.

x

Vale

Best wishes for a good outcome, Hpath.

Mountainmanbob

In the world of Recovery most would tell you -- no.

But, what seems to be most important is for you to be totally clean and sober.

It's usually best if we work on self and then see how all the rest turns out.

A sober mind and body helps us in a great way in making good moral decisions.

Wish you well,
MM

Ileana

Aside from the heroin, he is a great person and treats me fantastically.

[COLOR="That statement is sort of like saying "my car is fantastic except for the tires, breaks, and engine". He may be a great guy but the fact is you're dating heroin, your boyfriend ran off the day he shot that crap in his arm. And he may not have stolen from you yet, but heroin will. Heroin will steal from everyone.[/COLOR]

JOIE12

my deceased ABF was a great person too. Tormented. No amount of help could allow him to see that we all needed him. The world needed him. But Heroin - won. Saving myself was important to my recovery as I was addicted to the behaviors that an addict brings to the table. Love, words, promises, drama, co dependent satisfaction .... my problem was destructive too.

My main concern is for you. Working on your own decisions to occasionally use. Perhaps finding help for yourself with allow you to see whether you wish to continue down this lonely ugly path with your BF or search for a drug free life that could be so much more

I never expected my ABF to die. He didn't either but that night that I had decided to build a new life - saved me. Literally.

maia1234

"Trying to talk with someone who is in love with an addict, is often like trying to talk with the addict, himself. They just aren't ready to listen."


Hugs my friend!!! We are always here for you if you need us!! Take care of U!!!