nytepassion

You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am an addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.

The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF.

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it if you are blocking the entrance.

I know you love me and you only want what's best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.

Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.

Passion
Recovering addict

Sister3

That is so very powerful, its very similar to what my sister said to me 4yrs ago. Thanks for sharing, made me cry...👼

JOIE12

thank you for posting. I know this is in other forums but perhaps it could be here in the top stickies ?

MsPINKAcres

thanks Nyte!

so true for those fighting this disease -

Ilovemysonjj

Perfectly stated! The hardest thing a codependent can do is let go.

Vale

In all likelihood, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

(And "soapbox/bloviating/entirely too self satisfied" Vale
has done some REALLY hard sh!t.)

Anyone who successfully navigates this terribly difficult
navigation problem deserves (and more importantly
GETS) my deepest and most profound respects---no matter
their station in life or circumstance.

Lovenjoy

thank you.... needed to hear this. very hard to get out of your child's way when in fear for their life but it is his fight and he can't win it with me in his way.

hard to do and good to see it put so clearly.

thank you.....

NMwife

Wow. It truly has been the hardest thing for ME to realize there's nothing I can do for my husband. I can only hope these might be the thoughts he has when he uses. I hope I'm still here when he's ready to ask for help. I feel like I'm dying inside.

Ann

As the founder of SR and a recovering addict himself, Jon used to remind me that I might just love my son right into the grave. Those words stung but they are probably the wisest and most eye-opening words I ever heard.

I had to love my son enough to let go, or we both would go down together. Today my morning prayer gives my son's care to God, that He can do for my son what I cannot. And each morning I let go again.

Thanks for this thread, Passion, hugs to you and your little ones.

tartel

nytepassion, thank you for this. this rings so true. i wish my exAh's parents could see this.

hopeful4

Absolutely a perfect post. Thank you for sharing this.

nytepassion

Hugs to you too Ann
You've always been my fav

<3 Passion

Vale

>>>>>>>>>Hugs to you too Ann
You've always been my fav<<<<<<<<

(Mine, too!)