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Old 07-19-2015, 09:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Lost, alone, confused


I've been in a relationship with a girl for about 7 months now. She and I have grown a lot together, taught each other a lot of things and fallen hard for each other.

We met in our neighborhood and immediately hit it off. She made it clear to me at the beginning that she was a stripper, and though that has been tough for me, it is now something I don't feel jealous about. I do think, however, that it doesn't help her and is not the empowering career I once thought it was.

A few months back she was taking oxy every day for about a month. It came to a head when she started lying to me about being high and eventually lashed out at me in public. It was awful. I spoke to her sister, we talked to her and she got clean from the oxy. Here's my dilemma: if I hadn't made a fuss, would it have even come to a head?

Let me elaborate. She has a very troubled past. Abuse, absent father, mentally unstable mother (who put her on prescription meds at the age of 12). She ran away from her mother and ended up living with her father. He's a junky, heroin and meth. He made her go out and get him drugs, whilst taking a lot herself. She was snorting meth until it ruined her nasal passages, then she drank it until she started vomiting blood. Never heroin though, he wouldn't let her. Eventually he sold her off to a photographer friend, who took pictures of her naked.

Sooner or later she got wise, took off and began taking care of herself. The stripping makes sense. She's been made to feel her only worth in life is her body, and her means of coping are substances. She goes through a drug of choice until she either gets bored or it brings her down (suicidal, out of it, losing control). Then she switches to something else. Some are less harmful than others.

The latest thing is Xanax, which she claims to take as she wants to quit drinking. She drinks at work because it helps her talk to clients. Initially she only took it at work, but now it's every day. She says that she was drinking the moment she woke up, which frightened her and she felt it was beginning to be a problem.

Well, now she wakes up, munches on half a bar of Xanax, goes back to sleep, wakes up and does more Xanax, then gets ready and goes to work. Where she takes more Xanax. A few days ago she snorted heroin with the girl that sold her the Xanax, two days in a row. Then the Xanax became something to "cope with the withdrawals of heroin."

In two weeks I'm supposed to take her back home with me. My mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and wants to meet her before she goes through chemo. I'm worried about the withdrawals. I'm also breaking apart as it has all slowly dawned on me that she has a problem.

She maintains that she's fine, that this is just who she is, she goes through cycles and she can manage herself. Trouble is, she is really depressed, and I think it has to do with her lifestyle. The other day she was out of it and told me she wished I was into heroin so we could just do it together and I wouldn't have a problem with it. She said she doesn't understand why it isn't socially acceptable. I had to point out to her what her father put her through, and what that in turn has led to.

I too have been depressed, particularly when I found out about my mother. I was drinking a lot and she was there for me, no judgement, and helped me see that I was destroying myself without being aggressive.

I'm reaching out because I am lost, alone and confused. Every day I feel physically beaten and mentally drained. I'm quick to anger with her and I'm not providing her with the support she needs, like she did with me. I'm not expecting answers, but I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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Old 07-19-2015, 10:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome oddbob

The feeling that you have is your mind and your body in conflict.

opiates and heroin don't let people go. Please learn everything here that you can and read the stickies at the top of this forum.

Addicts always need someone that they draw strength and resources from. They lie and manipulate their loved ones. All of us believed that love could save our loved one from the path chosen. But if love could do that, then none of us would be here.

It will rob you (as her loved one) of everything that you have. Money, security, cars, homes, 401k, non paying bills, retirement funds, happiness, trust, food, health and most importantly - your sanity. I lived on crackers for about 4 months (and water) thinking I could save him. At the end of a 3 year 160k addiction. And not one person told me how foolish I was. They didn't want to state the obvious.

Please read about codependency (sticky at top of forum and book CODEPENDENCY NO MORE by Melody Beatty). You will begin to open your eyes.

Addicts were like this before we met them. They will be like this after you are gone. Or one of you will die trying. Opiates changes the wiring in the brain. The chemical reward system. I remember in the beginning - reading - "the person that began using was gone, never to return" and I fought that idea. He was still in there but essentially 'gone'. We spend so much time missing that person and hoping they come back. It's futile.

Also search out an Alanon or Naranon meeting in your area. It will help you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru this. Stripping and drugs/alcohol go hand in hand. One enables the other. Vicious cycle.

You can private message me if you wish. Best to you - please take care of yourself. Hugs, Joie
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Old 07-19-2015, 03:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Please take a good read around here, trying to be "the one" to save an addict is a dangerous and troubling place to be because we can't. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here, it's up to them to change and if she doesn't think she has a problem then she isn't likely to change any time soon.

It's your choice to make when you're ready, to continue a life that will break your heart or to stop while you can. Reading Codependent No More is a great suggestion , many of us learned so much from that book, and if there are any Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings in your area, maybe give them a try and see if they don't help you as much as they have helped so many of us.

If I may suggest one thing, please do not take her to meet your mother if she has cancer and is taking chemo, she probably has other medication to help her through the pain and I promise you that your girlfriend will steal these medications and swear she didn't and leave your mother in pain. Most active addicts would do just that.

Like I said, please take a read around and learn from those who have been where you are.
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Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
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Old 07-19-2015, 09:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It is as if we are in a burning vehicle----

We are conscious and ambulatory, but they are not.

Survival is but a cold equation----a function of time.

What we want is to help them, get them out,
rescue them before they burn to death. We
want (arguably more than life itself) is an
option that is simply and dispassionately not
available to us------for both of us
to survive.

But fire and fuel and time do not care
what we want. The hardest truth I learned
from this is that when we cannot save
everyone----then humanity demands that
we save everyone it IS possible to save.......
and that includes us.

I made the choice. I stand by it. It was that or
lose everything dear and necessary. I trust her
soul forgives me. I did my best.

To be perfectly arrogant, I have bested every
dragon (and every challenge) that this world
has ever thrown at me.

Addiction bested me. Backed into a corner,
I grasped at the only weapon I had left,
a weapon completely unfamiliar and
unknown to me :

humility.

Save yourself.
You are worth it.
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Old 07-20-2015, 02:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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She maintains that she's fine, that this is just who she is, she goes through cycles and she can manage herself. Trouble is, she is really depressed, and I think it has to do with her lifestyle. The other day she was out of it and told me she wished I was into heroin so we could just do it together and I wouldn't have a problem with it. She said she doesn't understand why it isn't socially acceptable. I had to point out to her what her father put her through, and what that in turn has led to.

DANGER DANGER. do not fall for this....do not let her talk you into doing drugs WITH her.

her entire world revolves around drugs. and yeah it IS that bad, way worse than you want to admit. she ALREADY ruined her nasal passages with meth, has vomited blood with alcohol, snorts xanax with those "ruined" nasal passages and is doing heroin. i am 100% sure there is ALOT more that you don't know about.

you can't fix her. she came to you already broken. AND ITS NOT YOUR JOB. sure she had a bad past, but that is NOT AN EXCUSE. you told us all about HER History, HER life, even what you think SHE thinks but hardly a word about yourself.

short seven months.....have you seen enough yet? it will NOT get better......just way more worse than you can even imagine. i would suggest NOT taking her off to see your very sick mother. you need to focus on your parent, not whether your g/f is going thru withdrawals OR stealing your mother's meds. she isn't the kinda gal we bring home to meet the folks..........
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Old 07-20-2015, 06:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Anvil!
Are you suggesting they steal meds from SICK
people!?!?!? REALLY?
Cancer equals oxy lying around. If you want to
see what 10000 messages in your inbox looks like,
put a CL ad out there offering a cleanup job for
the place of a recently departed cancer patient!

I made THAT mistake...........once.

Listen to Anvil. I write that so much I just need to
shorten it to "LTA".

Jokes aside, do not even CONSIDER doing H with
her/---it is a one way trip to hell.
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Old 07-21-2015, 11:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
[I]
you can't fix her. she came to you already broken. AND ITS NOT YOUR JOB. sure she had a bad past, but that is NOT AN EXCUSE. you told us all about HER History, HER life, even what you think SHE thinks but hardly a word about yourself.

short seven months.....have you seen enough yet? it will NOT get better......just way more worse than you can even imagine. i would suggest NOT taking her off to see your very sick mother. you need to focus on your parent, not whether your g/f is going thru withdrawals OR stealing your mother's meds. she isn't the kinda gal we bring home to meet the folks..........
My goodness this sounds familiar.
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Old 07-21-2015, 12:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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it sucks to hear, but you're standing in a burning building & you can only save one of you. do it --- there's fresh air outside.
addiction this engrained has no boundaries. when it comes down to it, she's worried about her survivial - not yours. there is probably much you don't know but what you DO know is enough. trust that life will bring you someone capable of loving you the way you love her when the time is right...

best of luck!!
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Old 07-21-2015, 12:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I agree, do not bring her to meet your sick mother. You can't save her from herself only she can do that.

Maybe time away from witnessing her chaos will help you understand that this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. 7 months and you fell hard for her and got sucked in with her childhood gone wrong story.

When we witness and feel RED FLAGS while dating someone, that's the time to slow it down, step away so that we can view the big picture of it all.

Try and focus on your mom and being there for her. With you or without you present in her life she has and will do drugs and that's a fact you can't change.
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your responses. As many of you have mentioned it is worse than I thought. There's been more heroin than I was previously aware of. Tomorrow I'll be meeting with those closest to her and we're going to figure out staging an intervention. If you have any guidance or advice to share we would greatly appreciate it. I would go into more detail RE developments, but I'm exhausted. Good night.
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Old 07-22-2015, 09:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I personally have never been involved with an intervention but I have heard many stories of interventions gone wrong at my al-anon meetings and also reading here.

When you say those closest to her will be participating – do you mean her friends who she does drugs with? Co-workers where she is a stripper? I know the A in my life’s closest friends were those that enabled him to continue doing the self-destruction of his choice. And the ones who were not drug users he was no longer close with and I know there would be no way any of them would have had any kind of impact on him choosing recovery from an intervention. Addicts usually do not hang out with non-addicts for very long.

Do you have facilities lined up so if she does happen to say she wants help –off she can go right away as in immediately after this intervention? Many will talk a good game then fall off again while waiting for a bed to open up or a facility that will take them? Does she have insurance that will pay for this? If not, what is that plan?

The one mistake I seem to see over and over again with having an intervention is not really having a clear plan other then everyone stating how they feel and the addict responding sure, yes, ok and then walking away right back to what they did yesterday.
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Old 07-22-2015, 10:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you for your reply. I've shared it with her close circle, as well as a few of the stickies posted in this forum.

Her immediate circle does involve one stripper, but she wants out, is not an addict and has a good heart. Others involved include her sister, her oldest friend and another dear friend, all of which are eager to support and not enable.

They have hope, as do I to a degree, however they haven't seen the lies and had so many promises broken, and the research I've conducted has been very bleak. Still hanging on to hope though.
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Old 07-22-2015, 01:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi OddBob,

I had a horrible abusive childhood and got out of the house asap but got a job as a waitress and house painting and put myself through college. Life is a series of choices that determine our destiny and while your girlfriend has told you a sad tale of woe as to why she has been using drugs heavily for many years and continues to use drugs it has been her choice to do so.

I have helped staged some interventions with families and strongly suggest that you hire a professional to talk with all of you privately to discuss the situation. While interventions can be successful IF the addict is ready to break up with drugs and alcohol for good - this does not describe your girlfriend at all. She sounds like she has zero desire to alter her lifestyle but instead, hopes to bring you around to agreeing to getting high with her!

My XA got several girls before me strung out on crack cocaine so they could help finance his drug habit. He was known as a predator at AA and NA meetings who 13 stepped women away from recovery. Of course I didn't know this for a long time and only found out his true history after we had split up!

Back to interventions... it is very important that there is unity and clear plan for plan A and plan B... acceptance and recovery or continued addiction. Addicts do not hear or process information very well when it threatens their addictions so framing statements and boundaries should be done carefully.

It is important that any boundaries set are followed through for your own peace and serenity. Normally interventions are a plea that the addict get help immediately or ties are severed until they get into recovery. Don't be surprised if your girlfriend refuses to seek help and finding a bed for her without her doing an intake interview is not easy. No one wants to deal with an addict that isn't ready to quit...its like putting lipstick on a pig as it just makes the pig really, really mad and doesn't do that much for their looks either.

Good luck
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Old 07-22-2015, 02:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Just a thought, OddBob, but perhaps you should spend more time thinking about and defining YOUR boundaries regarding the impact that her addictions & related behavior have on your well-being and health. If she gets clean and stays clean, perhaps you can work out a healthy relationship, but that is a long time from today.

It may be wiser to spend your energy on your mother and her needs right now, and get a bit of space from your AGF. The last thing I would do is bring her somewhere right now. Imagine your mom seeing addiction, withdrawals, related behavior issues, etc. during what is supposed to be a friendly visit for her sake. Maybe spend a moment imagining the best and worst case scenarios for the trip and make your plans carefully, with you and your mom's best interests in mind. Two weeks is a long time with an active addict--anything can happen between now and then and it is best not to make plans with someone in active addiction.

My heart goes out to you--I hope you find some peace and clarity.
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