I'm sure plenty of others have posted something like this before.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I'm sure plenty of others have posted something like this before.
But, when did you give yourself permission to "move on"? I suppose this could be taken to mean exclusively in the case that your addict was a significant other, but it also refers to just the overall act of emotionally separating yourself from that relationship. (All legality aside of course-divorce and all that.)
When did you first achieve success in refusing to let your addict make you feel guilty?
If the relationship was in fact a romantic one, when did you allow yourself to contemplate dating, or seeing a new interest?
When did you realise you were no longer letting your sense of pity, sympathy or loyalty to your addict get the better of you?
What was the catalyst that allowed you to think of yourself as a solo artist rather than part of a couple or team?
I am currently separated from my exAH, who has also walked out on us and is not reachable. He responds to nothing I attempt to get through to him, including texts and calls about whether or not he is sober and wants to see our 6mo old son.
I realised a few days ago that while I'm still sad and grieving the loss of the person I THOUGHT I married, I have no feelings toward him. By which I mean, I am no longer concerned about his wellbeing, nor desperate to know that he's "OK". Nor do I still hold out any sort of hope or belief that he will clean up his act and come home to 'fix' our marriage.
Maybe it's just pure anger at his complete lack of regard or caring for our baby that's causing this. I can't help but view it as a benefit, even though it saddens me...
When did you first achieve success in refusing to let your addict make you feel guilty?
If the relationship was in fact a romantic one, when did you allow yourself to contemplate dating, or seeing a new interest?
When did you realise you were no longer letting your sense of pity, sympathy or loyalty to your addict get the better of you?
What was the catalyst that allowed you to think of yourself as a solo artist rather than part of a couple or team?
I am currently separated from my exAH, who has also walked out on us and is not reachable. He responds to nothing I attempt to get through to him, including texts and calls about whether or not he is sober and wants to see our 6mo old son.
I realised a few days ago that while I'm still sad and grieving the loss of the person I THOUGHT I married, I have no feelings toward him. By which I mean, I am no longer concerned about his wellbeing, nor desperate to know that he's "OK". Nor do I still hold out any sort of hope or belief that he will clean up his act and come home to 'fix' our marriage.
Maybe it's just pure anger at his complete lack of regard or caring for our baby that's causing this. I can't help but view it as a benefit, even though it saddens me...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I wrote a letter to her....and left it unsent.
In it (paraphrasing from memory)
I told her that insulating her from the catastrophic consequences of her
decisions would no longer be in consonance with the respect and high
regard I held her in. That is how you treat non sentient beings
or objects, livestock, etc.
To disrespect the choices of a fully formed personality is not helpful
in the least----it is merely a vehicle to try and control them/steer them
toward the choice YOU deem correct.
When I came to SR, I got pissed. "Yeah, let go, live my life---let her
live hers.....how the hell is THAT going to help her regain her life from
the junkies nightmare it has become?"
As wise as it was, this advice was premature (for me). I had to listen to
many stories----and have mine listened to ----before the 3 minute egg timer
went off in my head.
In the end, we each must decide in our own secret hearts----whether we
deserve dignity, respect, and consideration-----or if we are unworthy, and
deserve harmful and hurtful mistreatment.
The day I decided I would NOT allow myself to be treated that way was
the day the 'rescue' spell broke and the beauty of reality reasserted itself.
In it (paraphrasing from memory)
I told her that insulating her from the catastrophic consequences of her
decisions would no longer be in consonance with the respect and high
regard I held her in. That is how you treat non sentient beings
or objects, livestock, etc.
To disrespect the choices of a fully formed personality is not helpful
in the least----it is merely a vehicle to try and control them/steer them
toward the choice YOU deem correct.
When I came to SR, I got pissed. "Yeah, let go, live my life---let her
live hers.....how the hell is THAT going to help her regain her life from
the junkies nightmare it has become?"
As wise as it was, this advice was premature (for me). I had to listen to
many stories----and have mine listened to ----before the 3 minute egg timer
went off in my head.
In the end, we each must decide in our own secret hearts----whether we
deserve dignity, respect, and consideration-----or if we are unworthy, and
deserve harmful and hurtful mistreatment.
The day I decided I would NOT allow myself to be treated that way was
the day the 'rescue' spell broke and the beauty of reality reasserted itself.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
But, when did you give yourself permission to "move on"?
Door slammed. Lock enabled. Threw key away. Welded door shut.
D O N E
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
In the end, we each must decide in our own secret hearts----whether we deserve dignity, respect, and consideration-----or if we are unworthy, and
deserve harmful and hurtful mistreatment.
deserve harmful and hurtful mistreatment.
this is what brought me back to taking care of myself, after I grieved , and after the anger, this settled in and I could move forward.
Each person is different, and your 'bottom' so to speak, is yours to decide. Stand up for what you deserve, when you are ready. Life is too short to miss out on any happiness we can find.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Houston, tx
Posts: 32
The last straw for me, was when I found out that he had been lying about smoking pot for the last year. And then being told that drug use and drug abuse are two different things. My ex's drug of choice were opiates. I dealt with all the craziness, "babysat" him while he withdrew off of opiates plenty of times, worried when he disappeared on me. But that was when it was done it my head. Hearing that he never wanted to live his life free of artificial highs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
4 years ago, I was exactly where you are now. My heart goes out to you.
It was painful, and still is, but not like it was. Not nearly.
How did I get through it? I spent a lot of time with my feelings. I let myself feel. Bikram yoga helped me through. It touches on emotions I never knew I had. He disappeared for almost 2 years, and the no contact helped. Oh, and this site has really made things clear. There are so many people with the same or near the same stories. Sometimes I wouldn't understand what people were trying to say, and then boom I would just get it and heal a bit more. Each day I heal.
I don't have the answers of when, but I do know you need to be aware of your feelings and educate yourself. Doing that helped me grow each day. The hardest part is to try to focus on YOU and stop worrying about him...very hard...at least for me. I do know that everytime he disappointed me, I distanced myself further away. Just within the past month something just clicked. I felt no longer in love with him, at all. I no longer wanted him back. Gross, I know. But, I am being honest here. I loved this man. He broke my heart. It was very hard.
I also have started to realize what I want in a man, and it is not someone who does or could do drugs, would abandon their child or cheat. The crazy part is I am JUST NOW (4 years later) not wanting him back. I am JUST NOW feeling like I don't love him anymore and would be happy to date a good man. I started to realize that I wanted him because I wanted a family. It wasn't him that I wanted. In fact, he is so immature and childish and is pretty much pretending to be an adult. I need a man. I want someone I can trust. Someone who can pay the bills. Someone who is loyal and has ethics and morals. Someone who is not an addict. I don't have the energy to wipe anyone's butt anymore.
iot just the emotional, but It has also taken this long to get out of financial ruin that he left me in. I am slowly seeing the light.
My self esteem grew. My friends are amazing. My child is beautiful. I love my job. I actually am enjoying being a single mother. You will grow. Stop reaching out to him. People always told me to change my number, but I couldn't legally. I do everything legally because I don't want to loose what I have. Let him go. Oh, I know, those words are sooooo much easier said. He isn't worth it. His addiction is a huge problem that cannot be fixed with love. He has to fix it, and who knows if he ever will. Nothing you can do and not your problem anymore. You and your children need healthy. Sending many blessings your way!
It was painful, and still is, but not like it was. Not nearly.
How did I get through it? I spent a lot of time with my feelings. I let myself feel. Bikram yoga helped me through. It touches on emotions I never knew I had. He disappeared for almost 2 years, and the no contact helped. Oh, and this site has really made things clear. There are so many people with the same or near the same stories. Sometimes I wouldn't understand what people were trying to say, and then boom I would just get it and heal a bit more. Each day I heal.
I don't have the answers of when, but I do know you need to be aware of your feelings and educate yourself. Doing that helped me grow each day. The hardest part is to try to focus on YOU and stop worrying about him...very hard...at least for me. I do know that everytime he disappointed me, I distanced myself further away. Just within the past month something just clicked. I felt no longer in love with him, at all. I no longer wanted him back. Gross, I know. But, I am being honest here. I loved this man. He broke my heart. It was very hard.
I also have started to realize what I want in a man, and it is not someone who does or could do drugs, would abandon their child or cheat. The crazy part is I am JUST NOW (4 years later) not wanting him back. I am JUST NOW feeling like I don't love him anymore and would be happy to date a good man. I started to realize that I wanted him because I wanted a family. It wasn't him that I wanted. In fact, he is so immature and childish and is pretty much pretending to be an adult. I need a man. I want someone I can trust. Someone who can pay the bills. Someone who is loyal and has ethics and morals. Someone who is not an addict. I don't have the energy to wipe anyone's butt anymore.
iot just the emotional, but It has also taken this long to get out of financial ruin that he left me in. I am slowly seeing the light.
My self esteem grew. My friends are amazing. My child is beautiful. I love my job. I actually am enjoying being a single mother. You will grow. Stop reaching out to him. People always told me to change my number, but I couldn't legally. I do everything legally because I don't want to loose what I have. Let him go. Oh, I know, those words are sooooo much easier said. He isn't worth it. His addiction is a huge problem that cannot be fixed with love. He has to fix it, and who knows if he ever will. Nothing you can do and not your problem anymore. You and your children need healthy. Sending many blessings your way!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I let go when I'd been here, long enough, to realize that what I wanted in life was important. When I realized that, no matter how much recovery he had, I wouldn't trust him. I would always be walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm an RA, so it's not like I don't believe recovery is possible. I just had to focus on actions, not words, and believe that I was worthy of a good life.
We are here for you, many have been through the same thing and come out on the other side.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm an RA, so it's not like I don't believe recovery is possible. I just had to focus on actions, not words, and believe that I was worthy of a good life.
We are here for you, many have been through the same thing and come out on the other side.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Yesssss, ermagerd.
Yepper.
No longer feel in love with him. Am no longer attracted to him. Would rather leave the situation with some shred of compassion toward him left-NOT so that I can continue to care about him, but so I don't betray myself or my child with too much anger.
His actions speak far, far louder than all his empty words and that is a lesson he is going to have to learn the hard way; he seems to really believe that he ought to BE believed and is believable. Unfortunately for him I've finally decided to quit waiting around for his actions to match his supposedly "good word".
As far as keeping in touch with him, I find it to be a purely logistical move at this point. By NOT changing my number, continuing to attempt to let him see the baby, etc, I can establish a firm and indisputable record of his complete lack of response. He doesn't answer my calls/texts, and he certainly doesn't call or text ME to ask after his child. It all just makes him look like the deadbeat dad that he is, which in turn makes things easier for me in court.
Yepper.
No longer feel in love with him. Am no longer attracted to him. Would rather leave the situation with some shred of compassion toward him left-NOT so that I can continue to care about him, but so I don't betray myself or my child with too much anger.
His actions speak far, far louder than all his empty words and that is a lesson he is going to have to learn the hard way; he seems to really believe that he ought to BE believed and is believable. Unfortunately for him I've finally decided to quit waiting around for his actions to match his supposedly "good word".
As far as keeping in touch with him, I find it to be a purely logistical move at this point. By NOT changing my number, continuing to attempt to let him see the baby, etc, I can establish a firm and indisputable record of his complete lack of response. He doesn't answer my calls/texts, and he certainly doesn't call or text ME to ask after his child. It all just makes him look like the deadbeat dad that he is, which in turn makes things easier for me in court.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Story74 wrote:
>>>>>I don't have the energy to wipe anyone's butt anymore. <<<<<<<
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAT was funny! I guess we stop when we decide that we are no longer
willing to be used as toilet paper.
>>>>>I don't have the energy to wipe anyone's butt anymore. <<<<<<<
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAT was funny! I guess we stop when we decide that we are no longer
willing to be used as toilet paper.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
i watched my soon to be ex husband destroying everything - our finances, my attitude & every freaking day of my life towards the end, my energy to parent, his truck in an accident, my house when he'd lose his temper, my relationships with other people when i'd just stop focusing on anyone but him........ & it was kind of a lightbulb moment. "I dont have to do this anymore," after one particularly bad fight that my then 3 year old witnessed...
I was packed and out of the house in 10 days. and when i left he destroyed the only things that were left standing & I thank god that he turned the heat up so high that i had no choice but to get the hell out before the rest fell down.
I have some serious bitterness & anger over feeling like my child has gotten "ripped off" but I know that one strong, healthy parent is better than 2 sick ones... I have learned to love being a single mom. Twice the work, twice the reward...
I was packed and out of the house in 10 days. and when i left he destroyed the only things that were left standing & I thank god that he turned the heat up so high that i had no choice but to get the hell out before the rest fell down.
I have some serious bitterness & anger over feeling like my child has gotten "ripped off" but I know that one strong, healthy parent is better than 2 sick ones... I have learned to love being a single mom. Twice the work, twice the reward...
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