CarmenLove

I just spoke with his Mum, and she is in total denial.

I have never experienced this before. She asked me what evidence I had of his using, and I told her, but I could tell she wasn't listening to a word I was saying.

Then she basically said that it was sad we had separated but that he just needed to be strong and carry on...

She then proceeded to say I should go to the Dr because I was obviously upset!

I am speechless.

Why is this happening?

What chance does he ever have with this kind of denial going on?

Not everything can be solved by going to the Doctor.

Why am I being treated like the crazy one when it was him in hospital coming off heroin just a few months ago. Why don't they believe me?

I feel totally in shock right now.

I now understand just how powerless I am.

And they are right. I am feeling crazy.

But that doesn't mean he isn't using!

Oh gosh please help me understand this. I'm not sure I can cope with this.

dandylion

Carmen....you seem to understand it pretty well, to me. You know he is using. You can see that she is in deep denial.

Isn't it more of coming to accept these realities.

You don't need the agreement of others for you to have validity.

dandylion

CarmenLove

I've just never experienced it like that before. It was surreal.

It's as though it's all happening in my head and no-one else can see it. I'm full of adrenaline right now. I'm literally trembling. Is this what they mean when they say codependents are addicted to the drama?

It's obvious to me there is a part of me that still holds out hope that he could get well, that maybe me leaving would be the thing to trigger that.

But speaking to his mum tonight it feels like everyone is just smoothing over the top of everything again.

I know he may not get well. I guess it just feels like me leaving didn't even occur. The whole thing is just nicely swept under the table and everyone carries on as normal.

Ann

I agree, trust what you know. It doesn't matter if anyone else believes it or not, you know and he knows and that's that.

You can't fix his mother, you can't fix him. You can't reason with the insanity of addiction. Time for you to take very good care of you.

Accept it for what it is and start healing, you deserve happiness and a life that is free of addiction.

Hugs

CarmenLove

I'm having trouble right now.

I had these fantasies of us all doing an intervention, and him getting clean and us being together again (I know selfish reasons).

I'm finding it hard to trust in a higher power right now. I can't see how a HP can let this happen. But then I don't know everything.

OK I just know I'm finding it much harder than I thought!

zoso77

Her denial is her problem, not yours.

Think of it this way, Carmen. Your personal journey, as you go through this, is determined solely by your choices and your decisions. The same truism holds for her. She can't impact you anymore than you can impact her.

If I were you, I'd wish her the best and keep the focus on you. Where it belongs.

story74

My MIL told me that he told her he was sober and she didn't think he was on drugs. This was after he abandoned my son and I and left me ( a stay at home mom) with no money and for another woman. I was speechless. Needless to say because of her denial, we now have a relationship that cannot be repaired.

CarmenLove

OK so I see that I am trying to control everything.

That is about all I see now.

Vale

Dear Carmen,

It doesn't make sense, it cannot make sense, and it never will make sense.
Making your peace with that----is very hard and arduous WORK.

We DO get addicted to the drama. I would run across town to hero out for
an addict that could no more appreciate my efforts than she could demonstrate
competence in differential equations.

I've got 3 smart dogs. Very smart....(for dogs). But, try as patiently and
long as I care to---they will never learn English (or Spanish, or Basque for that
matter).

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was pull away and make my
peace with the fact that I was powerless.

I have done some amazing things in this world---and it just didn't sit well.
For the first time in my life----I didn't get what I wanted.

Life was not impressed with my accomplishments. Life just is what it is.

Ann

Carmen, have you tried any meetings? Many of us found our balance by attending Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA and you may find some help there too. Check your area and give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs

CarmenLove

Ann,

Yes I have already looked up meetings in the area. So after Easter I will go. I don't have transport as he has our car for his work. However my mum is going to add me to her insurance. I think the next one is on Wednesday.

Destroyed

I can totally understand what you are saying. At this very moment, my addicted wife's side of what was once our family will not even speak to me. I have given a lot to these people in money, support, and any other thing I could. However, according to my addict wife I am playing the victim roll and trying to manipulate everyone into feeling sorry for me. This is even after she committed adultery while I was overseas. My step kids have turned there backs on me and I have been burned down for everything she has done.

If it is any consolation people do see through the addict's lies and deceit eventually, it takes time. All I do now is look at myself in the mirror and know I did my best, but of course we all think we could have done more.

I was not really a fan of the ALANON meetings because I never felt like it helped my personal situation but for some people it may help a lot. I am a reader and would highly suggest the book by Meleody Beattie called Codependant No More and another book I read called Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself by Candace Plattor.

I wish you the best of luck, it will get better once you commit to your course of action.

JOIE12

When you stop being the caretaker ... people push you to the side like yesterdays trash. The responsibility now falls on their shoulders. It hurts but you will get past it.

biminiblue

The Higher Power thing...

We are created with free will. I/he can choose to do the right thing or the wrong thing. The Higher Power is within. For many years I was runnin' and gunnin' - with no thought to who was in my way. It was My Way or the highway.

Now that I've turned to the higher part of myself, I have better relationships and a better life. I don't try to run everything - that was exhausting and didn't work. I'm no longer in charge. I could have continued down that path of destruction. We all have to make that choice and we all have to live with the consequences.

I can do the next right thing and good things follow. I can do the wrong things and drama appears around every corner.

Letting go will give you peace.

CarmenLove

Thanks All.

I am turning the focus on Me.

Vale

You will find, Carmen, that turning the focus on you.....is the only thing
that works.

CarmenLove

Just venting some more...

This is an entry from my journal this morning. Believe it or not between feeling and processing this emotional stuff I am actually managing to get some work done on my business:

Yesterday his family told me they don't want any further contact with me. In not so many words they told me I need to go and sort MY life out and stop interfering with theirs.

In many ways they are right.

However I can't believe that they don't believe me that he is using!

It's insane. After everything that has happened.

They've actually chosen to believe that I am paranoid, unstable and crazy over acknowledging even the slightest possibility that their son - the person who has struggled with addiction most of his life, has been a heroin addict and lied repeatedly and relapsed less than 6 months ago - could be using again.

How is this possible?

----------------------------------

I know ya'll here will tell me not to try to make sense of it, and I get that - it's not possible to make sense of it, it will drive me insane to try to do so. However whenever it creeps into my thoughts my mind immediately starts attempting to figure it out, seeking to make sense of it all, to organise the chaos.

It cannot be done.

So I refocus myself over and over.

I choose to let go with love.

Today I feel better than yesterday, and there is some kind of relief now that there is no contact with them in some kind of way, as though an unspoken responsibility has been lifted.

I think that they all think I had a duty to take care of my husband, and maybe under some circumstances they are right. However no one ever told me this was what I was signing up for when I said my marriage vows, and I am making the choice not to accept this responsibility for his life (which is his).

The good things about this are it's helping me to get over my need to be liked and approved of. That's a roughy for me, however there was no chance of that happening here, not with the choices I have made. And I am not willing to sacrifice my life just in order to be liked and approved of.

Feeling the anger now.

And most of all just like ' HOW CAN THEY BELIEVE THIS BS ????? '

Humph.

Nevermind. Doesn't matter how / why. They do.

And that is OK too. Think I'm getting there with this. Maybe.

CarmenLove

Do you know they actually think I need to see a Doctor (for my paranoia and craziness for thinking he could possibly be using again).

Whaaaaa ??????!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad I live now and not in the times when women could be locked up in asylums if their husbands said they were crazy. Think there is an ancient fear here about that.

Destroyed

Most import thing to think about it to NEVER forget that an addict is a master manipulator. I have watched my wife stick pills in her mouth and when I confronted her she almost had ME convinced I was imagining things. Just think about what they can do to convince family and friends that the other person (you) is crazy without anyone to refute what the addict is saying.

I have lost my step kids and friensd because of some of the things my wife has said about me. However, I keep in mind if they truly cared about me they would talk to me instead of about me. You keep focusing on yourself and writing in your journey. I would also put some thought into therapy/meetings dealing with codependency.

CodeJob

Carmen, I believe you will be OK.

Time and time again I see posts here that family closes in on the addict and pushes out the spouse who has been worn down or beaten or cheated on. Here on SR, we get you.

The last time I was with my in- laws, they were talking about the other A son. More than one person said, No wonder why he drinks... And I knew I was the end of that sentence in relation to RAH back in the day. It hurt to realize they didn't really learn much about addiction when I pulled the covers off what was going on 2 years ago, but oh well. That isn't my problem.

Focus on you sweet pea. I found meditation, running and spinning very helpful to offset my whirling mind.