I'm in shock
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sweetie, families bury themselves deep into denial many times. It's a survival tool. It's easier for them to say you need help than the realization that their own son is hooked on H. Don't take it so personally because it's truly not about you.
I know it hurts, but what they are saying is right. They are making their choice of what they believe and want to do right now. Fine. Let them. Just don't let them come running to you later on when they have the big epiphany that you were right.
It's time. Cut loose of them and just work on you. Let it all go because you cannot change it, at all. There will be relief when you do truly let go because you will feel that weight that is holding you down lift off of your shoulders, because truly, it's not yours to carry.
Hugs to you. XXX
I know it hurts, but what they are saying is right. They are making their choice of what they believe and want to do right now. Fine. Let them. Just don't let them come running to you later on when they have the big epiphany that you were right.
It's time. Cut loose of them and just work on you. Let it all go because you cannot change it, at all. There will be relief when you do truly let go because you will feel that weight that is holding you down lift off of your shoulders, because truly, it's not yours to carry.
Hugs to you. XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Thank everyone for the supportive messages.
I' feeling really twisted up inside right now. It feels very uncomfortable. I just want to DO SOMETHING to get the feel in out of me. What am I resisting?
I'm still so emotionally up and down, feeling this and then that.
Feeling just as 'crazy' as they all think I am, but that is OK with me.
I'll do some ironing I think.
I' feeling really twisted up inside right now. It feels very uncomfortable. I just want to DO SOMETHING to get the feel in out of me. What am I resisting?
I'm still so emotionally up and down, feeling this and then that.
Feeling just as 'crazy' as they all think I am, but that is OK with me.
I'll do some ironing I think.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Sweetie, families bury themselves deep into denial many times. It's a survival tool. It's easier for them to say you need help than the realization that their own son is hooked on H. Don't take it so personally because it's truly not about you.
I know it hurts, but what they are saying is right. They are making their choice of what they believe and want to do right now. Fine. Let them. Just don't let them come running to you later on when they have the big epiphany that you were right.
It's time. Cut loose of them and just work on you. Let it all go because you cannot change it, at all. There will be relief when you do truly let go because you will feel that weight that is holding you down lift off of your shoulders, because truly, it's not yours to carry.
Hugs to you. XXX
I know it hurts, but what they are saying is right. They are making their choice of what they believe and want to do right now. Fine. Let them. Just don't let them come running to you later on when they have the big epiphany that you were right.
It's time. Cut loose of them and just work on you. Let it all go because you cannot change it, at all. There will be relief when you do truly let go because you will feel that weight that is holding you down lift off of your shoulders, because truly, it's not yours to carry.
Hugs to you. XXX
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You know, that is when I knew officially it was over. When I did really wonder if I was going crazy! You are not, it's just extreme stress, I promise.
Be kind to yourself, stay busy. It's going to be ok!
Be kind to yourself, stay busy. It's going to be ok!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
My ILs are the exact same way. It's easier for them to put the blame on anyone BUT AH because then they have to confront the fact that he truly is stuck in his addiction & is not the person they want him to be. And...they would also be faced with the role they've all played in enabling him, which they do not want to do. It's easier for them to say things like "AH NEVER drank before he met you, but you drink wine so he started back up again because of you." (Um, suurreeee...there were ZERO hidden bottles of booze in his pigsty of a room at your house, ILs. You keep telling yourselves that. Whatever helps you sleep at night.)
They also can't face the fact that he is just not capable at this point of being proactive & managing his own treatment, counseling & schedule. They maintain that "before he met me" he was doing "awesome", going to counseling, sticking with his Suboxone program, excelling at his job, etc. WEll, yes. He was. But he also didn't have a driver's license or a car before he met me...therefore, he didn't have a choice as to whether or not he was responsible for all those things.
I've found that enabling family members will ALWAYS make the fault someone else's, because they just don't want to admit that AH is his own biggest problem & worst enemy. At this point, I just ignore it as best I can.
And, the crazy-making is also known as gaslighting, and it is what addicts & their ilk do very, very best.
The day I ceased to feel crazy was the day I threw AH out of the house. I hope you find the strength to stick with your decision too! It's not easy but in the end it is better for you!
They also can't face the fact that he is just not capable at this point of being proactive & managing his own treatment, counseling & schedule. They maintain that "before he met me" he was doing "awesome", going to counseling, sticking with his Suboxone program, excelling at his job, etc. WEll, yes. He was. But he also didn't have a driver's license or a car before he met me...therefore, he didn't have a choice as to whether or not he was responsible for all those things.
I've found that enabling family members will ALWAYS make the fault someone else's, because they just don't want to admit that AH is his own biggest problem & worst enemy. At this point, I just ignore it as best I can.
And, the crazy-making is also known as gaslighting, and it is what addicts & their ilk do very, very best.
The day I ceased to feel crazy was the day I threw AH out of the house. I hope you find the strength to stick with your decision too! It's not easy but in the end it is better for you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
If you choose to live in lies, then gaslighting and denial are
not optional----they are as essential as oxygen.
(with the exception that you CAN do without oxygen for
very short periods.......not so the other two)
not optional----they are as essential as oxygen.
(with the exception that you CAN do without oxygen for
very short periods.......not so the other two)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
You pulled the covers off something they desperately wanted
to keep hidden....OF COURSE they are going to attack you.
If you keep the elephant under a tarp......you can always
stretch the BS lie that it is just an 8000# lump in the carpet.
to keep hidden....OF COURSE they are going to attack you.
If you keep the elephant under a tarp......you can always
stretch the BS lie that it is just an 8000# lump in the carpet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
My soon to be ex-wife has burned me down, discredited me, and told flat out lies about me to protect her secrets. I was once accused of letting her go hungry and not giving her money to live and eat. She has destroyed my reputation with family and friends to cover up the addiction. A close friend, recovering addict, told me that eventually everyone will see through the smoke screen and know the truth. It hurts that people will talk about you and think horrible things about you but in the end the truth will always come out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
The dream of Intervention.
Every day I watch Intervention. I dreamed that maybe if I just said something, or maybe if I showed her the meth I found, that she would put her ample power and resources toward insisting on rehab.
I thought about going to his mom right after I found the meth. He "checks in" with her and Dad daily. if there's anyone who could force a bottom, it is his family of origin. I'm just another girlfriend.
My addict blew up my phone with 14 voicemails in 10 minutes when I texted him that I might tell Mom. Upon further review, I decided not to -- not because it wasn't true, but because it would end the way it did for you.
Later on, I mentioned to my addict a meeting that welcomes all anons. He went with me. Of course, he informed Mom that he was off to support me with my addiction. When he learned that my program was for friends and family of drug addicts, he was furious. He is especially angry that the vernacular to refer to our ALOs is "my addict." He doesn't have an addiction--he's only used marijuana and meth for 30 years. He's a good boy. His mother would never come. I accept I can't make her. It is very sad.
I thought about going to his mom right after I found the meth. He "checks in" with her and Dad daily. if there's anyone who could force a bottom, it is his family of origin. I'm just another girlfriend.
My addict blew up my phone with 14 voicemails in 10 minutes when I texted him that I might tell Mom. Upon further review, I decided not to -- not because it wasn't true, but because it would end the way it did for you.
Later on, I mentioned to my addict a meeting that welcomes all anons. He went with me. Of course, he informed Mom that he was off to support me with my addiction. When he learned that my program was for friends and family of drug addicts, he was furious. He is especially angry that the vernacular to refer to our ALOs is "my addict." He doesn't have an addiction--he's only used marijuana and meth for 30 years. He's a good boy. His mother would never come. I accept I can't make her. It is very sad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
CarmenLove - I know it has been posted here several times but I will post it again...you are NOT crazy. Being with someone while in active addiction.....and all they will put you through...and how they turn things around on you...can make you feel crazy. But, you are the sane one, no doubt about that.
Please take comfort that we all support you here on SR. We have lived through this, in our own ways. Denial by the addict and denial by the family. Denial is a self protective mechanism. I know even for me and many of us, we went through periods of denial as the truth was too painful to believe, especially about someone we love so much. And if the addict gaslights us, which many do, we do end up doubting ourselves, thinking we do feel like we are crazy. But again...we are NOT crazy. You are not crazy.
It is just a matter of time before his family will see through the lies, until the truth will present itself, as it always does. You have done your part. I know it is painful to be made out to be the crazy one. I am sure my ex is bashing me to everyone in his little circle now. But I tell you, after what I went through, what we are subjected to when being with someone in active addition...the lies, stealing, cheating, betrayal, watching them practically kill themselves...on a constant basis...THAT is NOT normal. Most people do not deal with such chaos on a regular basis.
Please hang in there and post as often as you like. We are here for you and we understand what you are going through. Please stay strong. Hugs to you!
Please take comfort that we all support you here on SR. We have lived through this, in our own ways. Denial by the addict and denial by the family. Denial is a self protective mechanism. I know even for me and many of us, we went through periods of denial as the truth was too painful to believe, especially about someone we love so much. And if the addict gaslights us, which many do, we do end up doubting ourselves, thinking we do feel like we are crazy. But again...we are NOT crazy. You are not crazy.
It is just a matter of time before his family will see through the lies, until the truth will present itself, as it always does. You have done your part. I know it is painful to be made out to be the crazy one. I am sure my ex is bashing me to everyone in his little circle now. But I tell you, after what I went through, what we are subjected to when being with someone in active addition...the lies, stealing, cheating, betrayal, watching them practically kill themselves...on a constant basis...THAT is NOT normal. Most people do not deal with such chaos on a regular basis.
Please hang in there and post as often as you like. We are here for you and we understand what you are going through. Please stay strong. Hugs to you!
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