kylad09

My AB went to rehab for 5 weeks and he's out and trying to get into a sober living program. He's trying to keep clean which is really good, but since he's been back he's been very distant towards me and acts like he doesn't care. I moved out to live with my folks for a while to give him his space and i never hear from him. He doesn't answer my calls and will text me maybe twice a day and i tried to talk to him about what he wants for the future. He changed his picture on facebook back to the one he had before we were together and changed his relationship status to single, but says it's nothing. But it's obviously not nothing.. he's been saying all this will fade out and it will be good again, but not if he wants to be single! what should I do??? I'm 6 months pregnant with him so it's harder for me to just let go. I don't know what to do anymore.

Latte

He is probably trying to concentrate on staying clean. It isn't that he doesn't care, it's just really hard to get clean and my experience is that for the first year at least, things change a lot. You may not like him when he's clean. My bet is that no matter what-if he stays clean, whatever happens-whether you stay together or not, he will be a better person and he will be able to be a parent and help you raise that child. If he does not concentrate on staying clean, it could all be for naught.

I would look in to Al Anon for yourself. This isn't some kind of punishment-it will help you to deal and this disease makes everyone in the family sick, this will give you a chance to get well too. These wonderful people will help you learn how to set boundaries with him-and anyone else. It's a set of tools. I was surprised at how much it helped me to learn how to live my life in a way that was healthy. I learned to put names to how I was feeling and that was ok. I still struggle today, but it's getting better.

Welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here. I am sure others will be along to help you also.

zoso77

Take a step back for a moment.

While he is putting space between you two, he is also putting space between himself and the mother of his unborn child. Addicts are not responsible parents, and even if he's honestly seeking recovery, he's not going to have the bandwidth to be a father. That's the cold, hard truth.

I would assume he's not going to be there. It pains for to say that. But from how you've described him since joining us, there is nothing in his makeup that suggests he's good for you. All you can do, kylad, is protect yourself and protect your baby.

Please keep us posted. And be safe.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR! Glad you are here.

One thing that helps me stay focused is determining what is in my hula hoop. My kid and me.

Your hula hoop is you and baby. Assess who is going to truly help you. If you don't have a good strong family and friends, join a community and build one.

ladyscribbler

Do you have support for yourself? The next few months are going to be hectic and tiring with appointments, preparing for baby and everything else. Taking care of you and getting enough rest is very important. It's not healthy for you to have to worry about where he's going and what he's doing.
I agree with Zoso. Sadly, he is not going to be a reliable source of support for you right now. That may change some time in the future, but someone who has only been clean a few weeks doesn't have what it takes to be present and responsible as a partner for you and a parent to a newborn. Even sober, it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do before he's ready to step up.
Since you're not near family and friends, it's important for you to work on building yourself a support network. Have you been to any Naranon or Alanon meetings?

kylad09

Latte, i don't how he is supposed to help me raise our child if he's never around or communicating with me.. he has better days, but he still doesn't show interest to actually be around.

ladyscribbler

I had to accept that I couldn't MAKE my ex do anything, including be a good father or a positive presence in our son's life.
His primary relationship is with alcohol. It takes precedence over everything else in his life, including parenting.
I had to let go of my hope that he was going to clean up his act and step up for our son. It's sad, but that's the reality of having a child with an alcoholic or addict.

Lily1918

This is true for recovery as well. Even when an addict starts to work a program, the primary relationship is with the program instead of the drug.

I would not list him at all on the birth certificate. I would leave it blank. Then he would have to pay for a paternity test to get visitation and really put forth an effort. I am on the other side and put my EXAB #1 on my kids birth certificates. It has been a nightmare.

It'sthe only way I can think of to hold him accountable and at the same time make sure the court fees fall on him, not you.

Single means single. He has chosen a "soft breakup" to avoid what he considers drama and to string you along in case he changes his mind.

kylad09

If he doesn't change his ways or show up to the birth, which is a scheduled c-section (no good excuse not to be there), then I'm definitely not going to put him on the birth certificate! That's a great idea.

ejgiardino

My partner of 21 years started taking adderall for a sleep disorder and later to boost his sense of well-being while starting cymbals. Unknown to me, the doctor took him off adderall many weeks ago and he is still taking it, obviously finding it somewhere that needed no prescription. His beloved father just died and he is in real trouble emotionally and can only get the things done he needs to do (he is an only son with a demented Mom...must to do to take care of her and the paper work of his father's estate, parents' apt., etc + he lost his job on Jan 30 - I think because of the effects of adderall. How do I approach this matter? He has been lying to me and screwing himself and us up royally. After 21 years and the death of his father, I cannot walk away without making an effort to get him back on his feet...where to start ?? He is in much denial about the effects adderall is having on him...Help

CarmenLove

Hi ejgiardino,

I think if you post this on a new thread you will get more response.

Sorry you are going through this.

chicory

Kylad, I am sorry that you are going through this, being pregnant should be a happy time. I hope you can make some good friends and find support for times when you need some help. He probably isn't giving much thought at all, if any, to what it means for you to be pregnant and planning for a new little life.

I am not sure, but if his name is on the birth certificate, he will be liable for child support. If not, you would have to make the efforts to prove it, before getting him to help financially, should he not want to.

some moms leave the father blank, because then they can get government assistance.
You may want to think about all this before deciding what to do.

I hope you can let go of his problems for a while, and focus on what you need... he doesn't seem able or willing to do that , as a father, and actions speak louder than words.

Take good care of yourself.
hugs
chicory