depression

Old 04-13-2015, 02:28 PM
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depression

How do you cope loosing your husband to addiction?

It has been 4 years, and I feel stronger everyday. thankfully, he disappeared for a year and a half. That no contact time really helped me cope and heal.

He is currently back and attending supervised visits somewhat regularly. More regular than ever before. Recently, missed one because he was "sick" , and of course gave me short notice. He mentioned at the last visit that he was out sick from work due to the "flu". I have known him for 15 years...I have never known him to be sick so often. Red flags were all over the place....I immediately think...STILL USING!

I think about how he is probably pretending to be sober.

I think about how he is trying so hard to not have supervised visjts , and how pissed he is going to be when I don't give him what he wants.

I think about how he is still hanging out with the same losers.

I think about how much I want a family. How much he hurt me. How I have to tolerate a person who after 15 years destroyed me, my son and everything I knew.

I think about how I lost my best friend. How I still, 4 years later, feel so alone.

Of course I wonder how he feels. Which I also know is such a waste of energy.

I think how crazy it is that I still miss a man who cheated and abandoned his family.

I am still healing. After 4 years. Still have moments of sadness. Currently, I'm just tired of thinking. I want this pain to go away and never come back. It has to at some point right?

I actually thought I would never get over him. I had to set a strong boundry after his last cancelation. He, of course, tried to bully me. I held my own. It amazed me at how free I felt. I stood up to him and felt so good. I consider myself pretty strong, so I was surprised. This was the very first moment I felt I didn't love him anymore. That made me sad. It really is over. We aren't getting back together. Just typing those words makes my gut cringe a bit. I think I am currently sad because my hope for a family didn't happen. I wanted a family. I never saw myself raising my son alone, our family destroyed by addiction. It is me and my little guy. Just us. I'm slowly accepting. That acceptance is hard. I am grieving what was, what could have been. I have to allow myself to grieve. To continue to heal. Maybe one day I will find a man who will truly love me and treat me right.

Just a little sad today. I just can't wait until I don't care about him at all.

Also, as a total addict I can feel his anger towards me. He is stand offish. I get so upset...how dare he be mad at me. How dare he not apologize. How dare he not thank me for raising his child. How dare he not try to get his family back...this just makes me sad. But, at the same time...I get it. Whatever he thinks, feels, says or does doesn't matter. If he is sober or not....it doesn't matter. I need good people around me and my child. Kind, caring, trusting and just nice.

I have found a whole new world without him. I have found my independence. I have stopped living in his shadow. I have found friends that are so beautiful and kind. Really kind. I really believe in you attract what you feel. I started my life over the day he left me, and I like it. So, I do have happiness and I am so proud of where I am at.

I think I might finally be ready to date. I never thought I would say that, but I think I'm ready!

Emotions come and go, and I know I will get through this sadness. It does get better and better, but it is still there. This isn't what I wanted. I hate dealing with it. I will just try to deal with it with grace and love...even though I times not only do I feel sad, but tired and sometimes a bit angry.
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Old 04-13-2015, 03:54 PM
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Ann
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Story, you've come a long way and it's good to hear how strong you are today.

Happiness and new beginnings await you, once you have made your peace with the past.

Hugs
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Old 04-14-2015, 10:06 AM
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You do deserve so much more than what he was willing to give you.

Hugs to you today.

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Old 04-15-2015, 06:49 AM
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Story, its funny, but sometimes I do not know how I feel until I write it all down. You are working through things, and its good to hear you sounding positive, although it still hurts to let go of expectations.

You are doing well, making new and good friends,, thats super. It may be only you and your son, but believe me, that is all you need sometimes

hugs.
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