hopeful4

Joie, this just breaks my heart. He did not kill himself to save you. Thing is, it is a choice he made. You had no control of his choices. It's awful that he made that choice, but he did.

You are in my heart, I am so very sorry. XXX

susan55

So sorry...

JOIE12

His death wasn't intentional. We aren't sure what caused his death but most likely a pulmonary embolism. No one knows what is in each batch. All the substances that enter the blood stream that cannot be absorbed.

for anyone who believes in this sort of thing .... the morning after 1 month since his death, I heard him just as I woke - he said "I made it Joie...I made it"

He was so afraid of going to hell. I hope he did make it. It would make the pain so much easier to bear.

Ilovemysonjj

I believe Joie, God bless you and your dear husband.

ladybug152

I'm so very sorry honey!

JOIE12

it's been nearly 3 months and the cloud is beginning to lift.

I was mourning long before the death of my ABF.
Each day carried this fear.

I am healing - slowly ... and sometimes with anger and resentment. Two emotions that are wasted energy but with this disease, I must face my codependent issue. Everything has a purpose.

I miss him every day in so many different ways ... everything reminds me of him and most of the time it feels like he is still right here. I have not let him go yet but I can feel it coming ... he deserves it. I don't want to be angry anymore.

hopeful4

Tight hugs to you XXX

JOIE12

8 months later, it is finally starting to set in. I cried yesterday. A painful cry. The kind that allows you to realize that he's not coming back. That any questions will never be answered. Life will go on with faith but without him. I've heard of too many who have died since he did. Prayers for everyone affected by drug addiction and alcoholism. I love everyone here. In this month of November, I am grateful for the people who reach out to others every day, thru their own experiences and find gifts in return. Hugs to everyone on SR. Joie

tartel

lots of love to you joie

Jorgenss

Sending much love to you today!

Ann

Joie, the God of my understanding is a loving, forgiving God who loves all His children, especially those who are sick or wounded even by addiction. I believe he made it, I know in my heart it is so.

Prayers out for your healing and peace, thank you for all you share here, from your heart to ours.

Love and Hugs

Anaya

Praying for you as well. Your posts -- the wisdom you share and support you offer here at SR -- are much appreciated.

Take care.

Bird615

Thank you for sharing your experience. My heart goes out to you. I had to leave my alcoholic boyfriend when I finally accepted that he didn't want to give up his lifestyle. He died about 15 months later.

I'm married to someone else now, but I still miss that sweet, loving guy that got lost in this addiction.

I pray for your peace, healing and comfort. It helps me to know that no one is really "gone". I've seen and heard of too many things now to believe that death is the end.

irisgardens

Joie, have just checked in after months away and know that you are loved. Your wisdom and just plain beautiful self help light up this space...in the midst of the darkness that is grieving.

I, too, believe he made it and that he loved you very much because you never stop being a loving person.

Arms around you and I am grateful for you on this Thanksgiving day.

JOIE12

thank you for your kind words Irisgargens <3

JOIE12

One year came and went.

I envisioned it differently. I thought angels would sing and I would be able to say goodbye, like floating and peace and forgiveness.

I feel anger.
All of the unanswered questions will always be ... just that.
Addiction is selfish.

I pray I will forgive and learn to stop wishing for answers.

I asked him to stay with me for just a little while longer. I'm not there yet.

Thanks to everyone here at FFSA. It's been quite a ride !
Hugs to all of you and wishes for peace in our lives.
Joie

CodeJob

Hugs and peace Joie12.

Hawkeye13

It's odd Joie, today. March 13th, is my mother's birthday and she also died from complications
from her addictions to alcohol and cigarettes.

I've been thinking about the unresolved issues between us and have found myself
talking to her in my mind, sometimes out loud these past few weeks.

It's been over five years since she died, and though I've made great progress,
I still have flashes or anger, tears, and hurt. But it is getting better.

I think there is no milestone for when grief or anger is resolved when one we love dies of their addiction.
The first year anniversary of death hurts, and hurt can be angering. It is for me too.

All the things that could have been had they chosen differently--but they didn't.
You just find ways to love them in memory, and to love yourself in the moment right now.

greeteachday

In many ways I thought the first year was the most difficult - so many firsts to get through, such raw grief, but at the same time, I think it takes awhile to really feel all the different emotions, so I've felt quite a few sucker punches... To this day...I just have learned to deal with it a little better as time passes.

I believe you are where you need to be. I hope that acknowledging and experiencing the anger and accepting that there will always be unanswered questions will help you to get to a more peaceful place. Hugs to you, Joie.

Ann

Joie, my compassion and prayers go out for you today.